Author: Crying Raven
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Summary: The truth is right here...
E-mail: hogwartshalls@hotmail.com
Homepage: http://www.oocities.org/hogwartshalls
Ff.n page: Crying Raven
Nat: Hey! I'm so happy you could join us!
Nick (Carter) and Dexter (Holland): *chained up to the wall*
Nick: *blinks*
Hermione: *stares at Nick and Dexter*
Dexter: Please... save us...
McGonagall: *gets a dirty look in her eyes*
Nick: Huh? *blinks*
Snape: *glares at Harry*
Harry: I didn't do anything!
Snape: 10 points off Gryffindor!
Ron: What?!
Snape: 10 points more!
Hermione: Professor McGonagall, we didn't do anything! He can't take points off for nothing!!
McGonagall: *busy*
Dexter: Get her off me! We agreed no sharing! Nat!!
Nat: Uh... sure. McGonagall, leave him alone or I'll have to hurt you... or something.
McGonagall: Oh well... *sighs*
Snape: *still glaring suspiciously at Harry*
Harry: *looking rather uncomfortable*
Nat: So... why are you guys here?
Ron: We're here to... well, come clean.
Nat: Oh, cool. Well, make yourself at home... start with cleaning my kitchen...
All: *blinks*
Nat: *sighs* Fine. Who's gonna start confessing then?
All: *looks around quietly*
Nat: Oh come on. Someone?
All: *quiet*
Nat: Unless you start confessing I'll...
Voldemort, Draco, Lupin and Sirius: *apparates*
Nat: Yay, more people in my already crowded room *gives everyone pissed looks*
Voldemort: *gives equal pissed look back*
Nat: Is that pink eye?
Voldemort: *calls her a not so nice name*
Nat: *snorts* If you guys don't start confessing, of if you call me that again, I'll delete you all.
Voldemort: You can't do that, I'm more powerful than you *evil cackle*
Nat: It's a fanfic, I'm the author *evil grin*
Voldemort: Uh oh... *looks around worried*
*silence*
Nat: Oh, if that's how you guys want it...
McGonagall: *gets deleted*
Dexter: Oh thank god.
Nick: Can we leave now?
Nat: Um... no. Confessions, anyone?
Ron: *raises hand*
Nat: Yay!
Ron: I'm gay.
All: *blinks*
Hermione: Ron, we already knew that.
Ron: And I'm in love with Goyle.
Draco: But Goyle is in love with Snape.
Snape: 10 points off Gryffindor!
Sirius: Why?
Snape: Cause I felt like it. I like to take points of Gryffindor, bully Longbottom and the rest of the students that aren't Slytherin and practice ballet in my dungeon in my pink tutu.
Nat: Uh... well, we're getting somewhere... *slightly disturbed by the thought of Snape in a pink tutu*
Lupin: I'm not really a werewolf. I'm an animagus and I just say I'm a werewolf for the attention and so that nobody will suspect anything when I kill people in my wolf shape. The only reason Snape played along was cause I gave him a blowjob every now and then.
Hermione: I have a huge crush on Filch.
Harry: I walked in on moaning Myrtle and Peeves two weeks ago and I've had nightmares ever since.
Ron: I was wondering why you were waking up screaming...
Hermione: *nods* Me too...
Lupin: What were you doing in the boy's dormitory?
Hermione: Screwing Dean and Seamus in Neville's bed while he was with Ginny and Cho getting stoned.
Snape: *very upset* 50 points off Gryffindor! How dare you get stoned without me?!
Ron: My sister?
Hermione: Yeah, she's a worse slut than I am, which says a lot.
Nat: I thought you were a calm bookworm.
Hermione: And you said you would never do drugs.
Nat: *shrugs*
Hermione: I've done all guys and half of the girls at Hogwarts. That's the only reason my grades are good.
Sirius: I really blew up that street of muggles and tried to kill Pettigrew but he got away.
Voldemort: I'm really in love with Lucius Malfoy. The only reason he was in my inner circle before was cause he was really good in bed. We might even elope some day.
Draco: *stares at Voldemort*
Voldemort: What?
Nick: Huh? *looks at Dex, hoping he'll explain*
Dexter: Ugh... *shakes head*
Lupin: I had an affair with Percy when I worked at Hogwarts. Dumbledore found out, that's why I really had to quit, but only cause he was in love with Percy.
Ron: *gets pale* P... Percy?
Lupin: He's very flexible... *grins* I believe that it might be in the genes. Fred and George were...
Dexter: I don't want to know! I just want my wedding ring back from that psycho redhead and go home and never see any of you again!!
Nat: You just earned yourself another month with the crackbuddies.
Dexter: *groans* *sighs* It could have been worse... I could have got a year... or life.
Snape: Back to the confessions please. I have an affair with professor Trelawney, but I'm cheating on her with professor Sprout.
Draco: I'm in love with Lee Jordan and I asked him to the Yule ball but he said no.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *snickers*
Draco: Hey! I was heartbroken! And then Pansy took advantage of me!!! *runs away crying*
All: *shrugs*
Sirius: I really was James and Lily's secret keeper. Peter is completely innocent.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *stares at him*
Snape: I knew all along.
Lupin: Me too. And I'm a Death Eater as well as Sirius.
Voldemort: I had an affair with Lily.
Snape: Me and Lucius were a couple when we were in school, until he dumped me for Voldemort.
Voldemort: I dumped Lily for Lucius but cheated on him with Dumbledore all along.
Snape: I slept with Dumbledore and Voldemort to get revenge on Lucius.
Nick: Me and Brian are really having an affair, behind LeighAnne's back.
Kevin: *apparates* *smacks Nick over the head* That... is... Brian... and... me. He's... my... cousin... I've... known... him... all... my... life. *disapparates*
All (minus Nick, who is sobbing): *blinks*
Harry: I'm really in love with McGonagall.
Dexter: I kind of like Nat's twisted kinky ideas and I really enjoy getting stoned with her and the crackbuddies.
Nat: I'm not stupid enough to confess anything in this fic.
All: *disappointed*
Voldemort: But we're all confessing out deepest darkest secrets, why can't you join us?
Nat: Uh... I'm the author, I will edit this and any confession I make will be erased.
All: *give Nat pleading looks*
Nat: Oh, alright! I [this have been edited away for everyone's sake]. There! Happy?
All: *nods*
Ron: I wear women's underwear.
Sirius: I slept with Lily, James never found out *evil grin* I am really Harry's father.
Harry, Ron and Hermione: *gasps*
Harry: But... but...
Sirius: I got pissed at James one night cause he didn't say 'Bless you' when I sneezed, and that's why I told Voldemort about them.
Ron: That can't be!
Voldemort: No, really, that's why he became a Death Eater in the first place.
Ron: Not that! Everyone says how alike Harry and James are. Sirius can't be Harry's father!
Hermione: Oh Ron, how stupid can you be? Haven't you read "Hogwarts, A History"?
Ron: No, have you?
Hermione: No, but that's not the point. There is a potion that can change a newborn baby's genes. Gee, Ron, how stupid can you be?
Sirius: We used that potion.
Snape: I made it.
Harry: *very, very pale* You... you're my father? You killed my mom??
Voldemort: Actually, I did that. That part is true. I would have succeeded in killing you if it hadn't been for James grabbing my ass right then *shakes head*
Hermione: I thought you killed him first.
Voldemort: I would never be able to kill James *sighs* I had a huge crush on him back then. If it hadn't been for that incident I probably still would have. When I turned into practically nothing Sirius had the kindness of killing James off with my wand. Revenge is sweet, even if you can't do it yourself.
Sirius: *smiles proudly* Then I blew up the house, but you survived. I was about to finish you off when Hagrid came so I had to act sad *rolls eyes*
Ron: I've been sleeping with Hagrid ever since 3rd year.
Hermione: Me too. After all, he was a teacher and I needed an A.
Lupin: I've slept with all my students, but Dumbledore only found out about Percy *evil grin*
Harry: I never slept with you...
Ron: Me either *pouts*
Lupin: Well I had to make you believe I was a good guy, not a child molester. I knew Hermione wouldn't tell anyone of course...
Hermione: *smiles happily*
Snape: Filtwick and McGonagall have been doing naughty things in the owlery for god knows how long.
Voldemort: I'm really Draco's father. Lucius slept with Remus, so I slept with his wife.
Lupin: Sirius, James, Peter and I only created the Marauders Map so we'd know where it would be safe to have our orgies...
Sirius: *grins* James and me had sex under the invisible cloak in our 7th year. It hasn't been washed since...
Hermione: I was wondering what that stuff on it was...
Harry: You stole my cloak?!
Hermione: Well you wouldn't let me borrow it.
Harry: Cause I knew what you were going to do.
Hermione: What's so wrong about giving a teacher a blowjob during breakfast?
Snape: That was you?
Ron: Actually, that was me...
Harry: You said you were going to Hogsmeade!
Ron: In the morning? Why would I do that?
Hermione: Seriously Harry, you're slower than Ron.
Harry: I am not!!
Ron: *snickers*
Harry: Shut up!
Voldemort: Oh dear...
Snape: That's 100 points off Gryffindor!
Harry: Oh, fuck you *disapparates*
Hermione: Wait!
Ron: Damn, now how are we going to make fun of him?
Snape: When you find him you can tell him that I've taken another 200 points off Gryffindor and that he got detention for a month.
Hermione and Ron: *disapparates*
Sirius: Right. Since everyone of importance seems to be leaving...
Voldemort: *gives Sirius pissed look*
Sirius: ... you'll have to excuse me, there's a hot poodle down the street... *disapparates*
Voldemort: *looks at the watch* Oh dear, looks as if I'm late for the meeting with Dumbledore and the other Death Eaters. Nagini will be so upset with me *shudders* *disapparates*
Lupin and Snape: *disapparates*
Nat: Looks as if we're the only one left then *looks at Nick and Dex*
Nick: *confused*
Dexter: You wouldn't mind letting us go, would you?
Draco: *runs into the room* I'm really planning to kill Father, Potter and You-Know-Who and take over the world myself! *notices that the others have already left* Oh...
Nat: *evil grin* Draco...
Draco: Yes?
Dexter: Uh oh... *looks at Nick* Looks as if we're becoming three...
Nick: Huh? *confused* I don't get it.
Dexter: *sighs* At least this one got a brain...
Nat: Have you ever considered... handcuffs?
Draco: What is that?
Nat: *very pleased* Let me demonstrate...
Lucius: *appears* Draco.
Draco: Father?
Nat: Hey... *even more evil grin* Lucius! You two wouldn't mind... uh... being part of an experiment of mine, would you?
Lucius: *ignores Nat* Meeting.
Draco: But she was just going to...
Lucius: Now.
Draco: Yes Father.
Lucius and Draco: *disapparates*
Nat: *curses under her breath*
Dexter: *realizes he's stuck with Nick* Ugh...
Nick: Huh?
