Author: Crying Raven
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Based on my theories. Be afraid.
E-mail: hogwartshalls@hotmail.com
Homepage: http://www.oocities.org/hogwartshalls
Ff.n page: Crying Raven
Nat: *looks at Alice* I read this article, where they compared Harry Potter with the Bible.
Alice: Uh huh.
Nat: So Harry is gay.
Nick Carter (of BSB), Art Alexakis (of Everclear) and Dexter Holland (of the Offspring): *confused*
Alice: Uh... why?
Nat: Well, they compared Harry with Jesus, Dumbledore with God and Voldemort with the devil.
Alice: And how does this make Harry gay?
Nat: Cause Jesus is gay.
Nick: *tries to figure out why*
Dexter: *looks at Art*
Art: *looks at Dexter*
Nick: *still thinking*
Alice: I'm sure you got a point.
Nat: Well, for living in that time - ever since around 4 AD - Jesus had a huge respect for women.
Alice: *nods*
Nick: *brain goes into overload*
Nat: And for that time... well that was very rare. He never had any children, he was tortured to death. I'm saying that it might not be for being the leader of a new religion but because he was homosexual. They were very homophobic back then.
Alice: Okay.
Nat: Then, being the follower of a whole new religion, I can guarantee that he had plenty of female followers. And out of that I can easily assume that at least some of them would sleep with him just for doing so.
Alice: Talking from experience?
Nat: Hrm... *avoids looking at either Nick nor Dexter* Let's not go there.
Nick: *brain breaks down* *faints*
All: *looks at Nick*
Alice: Uh... *looks at Nat* Okay, I see your point.
Dexter: *takes out a needle* *looks at Nick*
Nick: *unconscious*
Dexter: *grins*
Nat: So since Jesus is gay...
Alice: ... and Harry is Jesus...
Nat and Alice: ... Harry Potter is gay.
Art: *watches as Dexter injects some amphetamine in Nick's arm* Hehe...
Dexter: *grins*
Nat and Alice: *looks at them* *shrugs*
Alice: Let's let him have his fun.
Nat: *nods*
Alice: So, since Harry is gay... do you think Rowling knows?
Nat: Maybe we should tell her?
Alice: Maybe we should tell the Harry Potter fans who believe they'll marry him?
Nat: Eh... he's a fictional character.
Alice: Yeah, but there are those who actually believes that they will.
Nat: Oh dear, and I who thought the teenyboppers going "I love Justin and I'll marry him someday" were bad.
Alice: Yeah.
Nat: That would be a weird wedding.
Alice: Very.
Art and Dexter: *starts talking about supersperm again (long and neopets connected story)*
Nat: *clears throat* What's-her-name is walking down the aisle...
Alice: Let's call her... um... Angel.
Nat: Okay. Delusional Angel is walking down the aisle in her white, long, ugly wedding dress.
*this appears in a bubble above their heads*
Alice: *nods*
Nick: *starting to wake up*
Nat: Everyone is there. And Ron is best man.
Alice: Uh... isn't he fictional too?
Nat: Yes, very.
All (minus Nick, he's too stoned): *watches the bubble*
Nat: But he's there anyway. So are Hermione, Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall and all the others, as well as delusional Angel's family - who she gets along with sooooooo great - and all her friends.
Alice: Draco too.
Nat: Yes, Draco too. And Snape. They are sitting next to each other. Crabbe and Goyle had to sit next to each other for a change.
In the bubble: *Crabbe gets up and sits down next to Goyle, and Snape sits down next to Draco*
Alice: There, they've been done as they've been told. Continue.
Nat: Okay. And everyone is crying cause they are so happy.
Alice: *looks up at the bubble* Wait. Isn't delusional Angel very popular?
Nat: Yes, she is. And she's extremely pretty.
In the bubble: *dozens of people hurries in as the room grows bigger to fill them all*
Nat: There. As I was saying everyone was crying cause they were just so happy for Harry and delusional Angel. Everyone.
Alice: Wait, even Draco and Snape?
Nat: Yes.
In the bubble: *Draco and Snape gives Nat and Alice pissed looks*
Alice: That's just wrong.
Draco and Snape: *nods*
Nat: I know, but...
Alice: Right! She's delusional.
Nat: Exactly.
Alice: *to Draco and Snape* Sorry, you too have to be happy for them.
Draco: *mutters something under his breath* *fakes a smile* There?
Alice: Better. You too Snape.
Snape: Ugh. *makes a HUGE effort into smiling (it comes off as an odd smirk)* *sighs*
Nat: Uh... that will do. I guess.
Alice: I think they can do better.
Art: I doubt it.
Dexter: Yeah, I mean now you're just torturing them.
Alice: I have an idea *looks up at Draco and Snape* Picture this, Harry is getting expelled and thanks to you!
Draco and Snape: *smiles widely*
Nat: Ahhh! I knew they could do it!
Nick: *mumbles something that doesn't make any sense*
Art and Dexter: *looks at him, amused*
Nat and Alice: *completely ignores Nick*
Alice: Go on now, Angel is getting bored.
Nat: Right. So since EVERYONE are so happy for Harry and Angel they are smiling and crying happy tears and wishes that they'll find their soul mates just like Harry and Angel did.
Dexter: I feel sick.
Art: You're not the only one.
Nick: *gurgles something*
Alice: Sure, whatever you say Nick.
Nat: *looks worried at Nick* *decides that he'll be alright, after all if Alice, Art, Dexter and her could survive the drugs, Nick probably would too* *clears throat* And then delusional Amy...
Alice: Angel.
Nat: Oh. Sorry. And delusional Angel walks up to the priest and turns to Harry...
Dexter: Wait!
Nat: What?
Dexter: Rowling! She's there too, right? Cause otherwise it's just not right. It's her characters and all.
Art: Angel's delusional, remember?
Dexter: Oh. Right.
Alice: Exactly. Rowling doesn't exist, cause the characters are real.
Nat: *nods* And she turns around to... Okay, this is just too much. I feel really sick now.
Alice: *pets Nat on the back* It's okay.
Nat: *shakes head* I can't believe there are these kind of people *sigh*
Nick: *gurgles*
Alice: Yeah Nick, of course.
Nat: *looks at Alice* What?
Alice: *shrugs*
Nat: Hmm... As she turns around...
Dexter: I thought it was too much for you.
Art: Yeah?
Nat: I got an idea.
Dexter: Uh... you? An idea?
Nat: Be quiet, or I'll never give you your wedding ring back.
Dexter: Sorry.
Alice: Okay, if you're up for it... *points at the bubble* They are getting impatient now...
Nat: Alright, alright. And as delusional Angel turns to look at her future husband she sees...
Alice: Britney Spears?
Art: A monster?
Dexter: I believe those are the same thing...
Nat: A...
*scary music*
Nat: BOOK!
Delusional Angel: *starts crying hysterically when she sees that Harry isn't there* Where did he go?
Nat: *smacks forehead* He was never there, idiot! He's a book character.
Delusional Angel: No he's not! I was going to marry him and we'd be happy and he'd learn me all about magic, and when I'm old enough I'll attend to Hogwarts too! And when I graduate I'll be the best in the class and we'll have tons of children and we'll live happily ever after!
Alice: Eh... she really is delusional.
Art: *nods*
Dexter: *busy watching Nick mumbling*
Nat: Anyway, Angel, even if Harry was real you wouldn't marry him.
Delusional Angel: I would too!
Nat: He's gay. He wouldn't sleep with you, and then you probably won't have any kids...
Delusional Angel: No he's not! And just so you know it we'll have plenty of kids, and they'll all go to Hogwarts!!!!!
Alice: I believe the main reason why Harry won't ever have kids is cause, one, he's a fictional character, and two, he's gay. Ron got a way better luck than you do.
Delusional Angel: *starts crying hysterically and runs away*
Art: *takes a needle and pops the bubble* That was just tragic.
Dexter: *shakes head* Very.
Nick: *gurgles something in agreement*
Nat: *pets Nick on the head* There, there... you'll be fine when it's worn off.
Alice: So... got anymore theories on this?
Nat: Yupp. I got theories on pretty much everything.
Alice: Do you want to tell us them?
Nat: Um... okay. God, she's black.
Alice: So this would completely change Dumbledore then.
Nat: Exactly. Anyway, Voldemort - the Devil - is male.
Alice: *gasps* You're not changing him?
Nat: No, not really. But I believe this is hell.
Alice: Aside from school?
Nat: Yes. That's just one of the torture chambers. You see I think, at least for the moment, that everyone once lived in heaven or whatever. Everything was perfect and there wasn't a problem in the world.
Alice: You're sounding like delusional Angel.
Nat: Anyway, we got bored of all the perfection, god knows I would, and we wanted to go somewhere else. So we went to this place - Earth, hell, whatever - and the only reason we are here is to live lives anything but perfect.
Alice: And this means?
Nat: That the meaning of life is pain and suffering.
Art: I believe it's drugs.
Dexter: Me too.
Nat: Well it's not. The meaning of life is being as far from perfect and happiness as possible, to later enjoy all the wonderful things more than we did before we came here. Cause anything can get boring, even perfection. So, we're here to suffer, and that's the only reason.
Nick: *mumbles something*
Dexter: *thinks* I'm still going for the drugs.
Art: *nods*
Alice: Um... sure Nat, that makes sense *cough*
Nat: It does.
Alice: *sarcastic* Yeah.
Nat: It does.
Alice: Whatever you say.
Nat: Okay, fine. But you have go agree on one thing.
Alice: And what is that?
Nat: That Harry really is gay.
Alice: *thinks* Yeah, okay, I agree. He is gay.
Dexter: Sure, why not?
Art: Sounds reasonable.
Nick: *mumbles something*
Nat: Thank you.
