Name: Mistake Author: Crying Raven Genre: Slash (General) Rating: PG Summary: Sirius/Harry slash. The pairing is impossible, but that just made it more interesting to picture. This was just something that came to me *shrugs* E-mail: hogwartshalls@hotmail.com Homepage: http://www.oocities.org/hogwartshalls Ff.n page: Crying Raven

Mistake

I can feel that he's surprised, maybe angry too, by the way he's tensing. Though I don't let go of his shoulders, and I don't open my eyes, too afraid that when I open them it's all a dream. But I can't stand like this forever, though that's what it seems like. A second that lasts forever. I slowly open them and look at him. Now I wish he'd been mad. I wish he'd punch me or something. Just something. By the look of it he's scared, scared and surprised. Don't be scared James, don't be... He's not James. Why can't I seem to remember that? This is James' child, his son. Harry. My godson. And I kissed him. I can't believe I kissed him. And now he's staring at me, not sure what to do, what to say. He just wants to be somewhere else. And I just want him to be his father. I want to be 16 again, I want James to be alive, to be there with me. It's him I want to kiss again, not his son. Some wishes come true, but these aren't of that kind. We're both painfully aware of that. "Harry, I..." And words fail me, now that I need them desperately. Now that I need to explain, to apologize, to take back what I just did. Now that he needs to hear those words so badly. I can see how he's searching for a reason in my eyes. I hope he finds one, cause I can't explain. I slowly remove my hands from his shoulders. 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. It's just...' No words come from my lips. Not a sound. Shocked by my own actions I take a step back, I stumble a bit. I shouldn't be so close to him, not close at all. He's better off without me if I act like this. Just look what I did. All the trust he ever had for me is gone; I can see it in his eyes. He got his mother's eyes. Good. As long as I can see those green eyes I'll know he's not, and will never be, James. No matter how much I want him to be. Still I don't want him to look at me. I know you want answers, Harry, answers that can assure you that that didn't just happen. That James and Lily knew what they were doing when they made me your godfather. But those are answers I don't have. Even if I did, I wouldn't be sure if I could share them with you. The only thing I know is that James and me, we were lovers before Lily came into the picture, and when you walked into the room you looked so much like him that... That I was 16 again. "I'm sorry..." I can't explain it to you, and I hope you'll never understand the pain, the loneliness. I hope you'll never fully understand. "Why...?" Your voice trembles and you avoid looking me in the eyes. God, I'm sorry, Harry, I'm so sorry. Why? Why. Such a simple question. Don't ask for answers that you don't want to hear, one day someone might have them. Today isn't one of those days though. I shake my head and leave the room. Leaving you confused and worried. I can't explain, cause I don't want you to understand.