Author: Crying Raven
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Summary: Three little voices starts talking to me in my head. Guess which...
E-mail: hogwartshalls@hotmail.com
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Ff.n page: Crying Raven
Me: Can we talk about something else than uh... puppies this time? I don't really feel I get anything out of it.
Psychologist: Um... sure. How about... *lacking ideas* eh... *looks at sheet* Do you... hear voices?
Me: Why does everyone ask me that?
Psychologist: Everyone?
Me: Yeah! Just because I say it as a joke doesn't mean that I actually hear them...
Psychologist: Joke? *blank look*
Voice 1: Maybe you should talk about something else.
Me: Huh?
Voice 2: *annoyed* Like what?
Voice 1: I don't know, something nice?
Voice 3: Puppies. Puppies are nice... Talk about them.
Me: *blinks*
Psychologist: Could you be more precise?
Me: Uh, what?
Psychologist: On who asks you if you hear voices?
Voice 2: Everyone.
Voice 1: She said more precise.
Voice 2: That was precise.
Voice 3: I still think they should talk about puppies. Or sex. Sex is fine too.
Voice 1: *sighs* Sirius...
Sirius (Voice 3): What?
Voice 2: I hate to say this, because then I'll be agreeing with one of you, but sex would be interesting.
Voice 1: Look, you don't have to lead her mind there again, it's bad enough that you do it otherwise. She's talking with her psychologist right now after all...
Me: *blinks* Uh...
Voice 1: Great, you've confused her now.
Voice 2: *sarcastic* That was a hard one.
Me: *blinks*
Psychologist: Um... Nathalie?
Me: Uh, yes?
Psychologist: Exactly who asks you if you hear voices?
Me: Everyone.
Voice 2: We went through this one time already.
Voice 1: But she didn't answer the question.
Voice 2: She did. She said everyone.
Voice 1: And the psychologist asked her to be more precise.
Voice 2: Everyone is very precise in this case.
Sirius: I still think that we should lead this to sex.
Voice 1: No, Sirius, we shouldn't.
Sirius: Don't be such a bore Remus.
Remus (Voice 1): I just think that we should leave this girl alone and...
Voice 2: She's a fanfiction author, she deserves every punishment there is.
Remus: She's not that bad.
Voice 2: She is.
Remus: No, she isn't. She could have been worse.
Voice 2: The Mary Sues are just waiting to be written down on paper.
Remus: That's a lie, Severus, and you know it.
Severus (Voice 2): Still.
Sirius: I'm voting for sex.
Remus: What is with you, Sirius?
Sirius: I was in Azkaban for over a decade, guess how many times I had sex during that time.
Severus: Depends, did your cellmate fancy you?
Sirius: Shut up, Snape.
Remus: Really, stop it both of you.
Me: *blinks*
Psychologist: *looks confused at her patient*
Me: Eh, what was the question again?
Psychologist: Exactly who is asking you if you hear voices?
Me: Psychologists, school nurses, teachers, friends, my mom... everyone.
Severus: I'm impressed, she actually succeeded in forming an answer.
Remus: Don't be so harsh on her.
Severus: She deserves it.
Remus: No, she doesn't. She's just an innocent...
Severus: Bah!
Remus: ... teenager with a vivid imagination.
Sirius: Oh yes, and I so agree on the vivid imagination part.
Remus: Stop it Sirius.
Sirius: How long was it since you got laid anyway?
Severus: Oh god...
Remus: Sirius...
Sirius: I haven't for ages, I got a right to be horny.
Severus: Then don't come near me.
Sirius: You don't have to worry.
Remus: Let's just forget all about that, okay?
Severus: No, let's mess her up even more.
Remus: She doesn't deserve that.
Severus: She does. She's a fanfiction author, if we can't kill them then let's at least take out our right to drive them insane and get them locked up. That will stop them from writing any more stories.
Sirius: Yeah.
Remus: You're on his side?
Sirius: You know I'm kinky and all Remus...
Remus: Ever since fourth year, yes.
Sirius: Well, slash is one thing, but she made me kiss Harry!
Severus: I feel sick.
Remus: Still, she's only...
Severus: An evil, twisted and mentally unstable teenager who needs to be locked up somewhere.
Me: Err...
Psychologist: *looking around the room, not really thinking at all*
Remus: You are being very unfair now, both of you.
Severus: No, we're not, we're telling you the truth.
Remus: There are worse.
Sirius: Like who?
Remus: Like... the ones who write Mary Sues, and are serious about it.
Severus: And those stories where I rape someone.
Sirius: Eh?
Remus: Oh yes, and I just wish they'd stop making me the victim.
Severus: Stop that right now, Black!
Sirius: Gee, sorry...
Remus: He was only looking at you.
Severus: *snorts*
Remus: ANYWAY, now that we've established that those authors have a bit of a bad wiring, let's move on.
Sirius: To sex.
Remus: Eh, no.
Psychologist: And do you hear voices?
Me: Well, no, not...
Severus: Sure you do.
Remus: No she doesn't, not normally. It's just cause we're talking to her now that she is.
Sirius: Are you sure?
Remus: Stop it, Sirius, she doesn't need you making her confused.
Sirius: Am I really? How do you know that?
Remus: Stop it. She doesn't hear voices.
Severus: Then what do you call us?
Me: Please be quiet so I can answer this question properly.
Psychologist: ????
Sirius: She's talking to us.
Severus: We're all amazed.
Remus: Cut it out.
Me: Please stop talking!
Severus: But you do hear voices.
Me: No I don't. I think.
Psychologist: ????????
Remus: Of course she doesn't.
Me: Thank you.
Sirius: Are you sure?
Me: Uh... I don't know, you're making it so much harder for me.
Severus: So you do hear voices.
Remus: She doesn't.
Sirius: You never know...
Me: ACK! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!!!
Psychologist: Errr...
Remus: Just talk about something else, alright?
Me: Um, okay.
Psychologist: Who are you talking to?
Me: The uh...
Severus: Voices in your head?
Remus: She doesn't hear voices, other than us this time.
Sirius: How do you really know that?
Me: No one.
Sirius: I feel insulted.
Severus: Good.
Sirius: She just said that we didn't exist, you too you know.
Severus: Well you should be used to that treatment, shouldn't you Black?
Remus: Guys, stop it.
Me: *blinks*
Remus: It's alright, you go on.
Me: Okay...
Psychologist: Then why are you talking like that?
Severus: Because she was hearing voices in her head.
Remus: Stop it, Severus.
Sirius: Maybe she did, maybe she didn't...
Me: You are confusing me now.
Remus: Sorry.
Severus: Sorry my ass.
Sirius: You never know...
Psychologist: Eh... okay, maybe we should move on?
Remus: Yes, that would be good.
Severus: I can't see why we should do that.
Sirius: I still think we should talk about sex.
Remus: Please, Sirius, just stop it...
Sirius: Why?
Remus: Because you are freaking her out.
Severus: Why? She's used to hearing voices.
Sirius: Maybe she is, maybe she isn't.
Me: Please shut up.
Psychologist: Um...
Sirius: Should we be quiet?
Severus: No.
Remus: Yes.
Me: Yes. The answer is yes, do like the latest voice told you.
Remus: Thank you.
Me: You are welcome.
Severus: You know he's just saying those things to make you feel better.
Me: He is?
Remus: I'm not.
Sirius: You can't really be sure, can you?
Me: Eh...
Psychologist: *watches her patient, worried*
Severus: You really do hear voices. And yes, you are insane.
Me: But...
Severus: Don't object!
Me: Why not?
Severus: Because I said so.
Me: But that nice voice said that I was right.
Psychologist: *looks suspiciously at her*
Severys: Maybe, but Remus is an idiot anyway. And don't even bother listening to Black. I'm the only one you really can trust.
Remus: Stop it, Severus.
Me: Eh... are you sure about that?
Severus: Of course I am.
Sirius: You can't really be sure.
Me: You guys are scaring me.
Severus: Good.
Remus: No, that's not good. We'll leave now.
Me: Thank you.
Sirius: Or will we?
Severus: No we won't. We'll drive you insane and get you locked up before we leave.
Me: Didn't you say I was insane already?
Severus: ...
Sirius: Are you sure?
Remus: Stop it. Let's just leave, okay?
Severus: No we won't.
Sirius: Maybe, maybe not...
Me: SHUT UP ALREADY!!!!
Psychologist: *in the phone*
Severus: She's calling to get you locked in. Kill her.
Remus: WHAT?!
Sirius: Maybe you should, but that could be a bad idea too...
Severus: She'll get you locked in, kill her!
Remus: Don't do it!
Severus: Do it!
Remus: Don't!
Me: You're like an angel and a devil, you know that, right?
Remus: Thank you.
Severus: Thank you.
Sirius: Then what am I?
Me: Uh... annoying?
Severus: Exactly, leave Black, you're not wanted.
Remus: I don't think any of us are wanted.
Sirius: You never know...
Psychologist: *hangs up* Nathalie...
Me: Yes?
Severus: Kill her.
Remus: No!
Severus: Kill her!
Me: *tries to ignore them*
Psychologist: I'm going to let you meat some people... they are very nice.
Me: Uh, why?
Severus: She's going to get you locked in.
Remus: No she won't, they are just going to help you, that's all.
Sirius: Actually, I agree with Snape on this one.
Severus: Didn't you leave?
Sirius: Does it look like I left?
Severus: Unfortunately, no.
Remus: Guys, don't fight. Just... don't, okay?
Severus: *snorts*
Sirius: You never know...
Me: STOP IT!!!!!! Shut up! All three of you, just shut up!!!!!
Remus, Severus and Sirius: *quiet*
Psychologist: Um... are you alright?
Severus: I say she's insane.
Sirius: I think she's PMS-ing.
Remus: There's nothing wrong with her. We're just annoying her, let's leave.
Severus: Not until she is locked in somewhere where she can't write.
Sirius: That won't take too long...
Remus: She's perfectly sane, let's leave.
Severus: As if.
Me: Please be quiet, please. I can't take it!
Severus: That's cause you are crazy. Normal people don't hear voices.
Me: But I'm not normal.
Severus: My point exactly.
Me: But I don't want to be normal either.
Severus: Err...
Sirius: Are you sure?
Me: Very.
Remus: Good for you!
Me: Thanks.
Some guys in white uniforms: *walks in*
Severus: If she's sane and all, then why are those men here?
Sirius: Uh... you can't really be sure about that. They could be here for various reasons...
Severus: No they can't. Kill her! She's getting you locked in!!!
Me: *gets dragged away by the men in white*
Severus: Now she's going to where she belongs.
Sirius: And where is that exactly? Does anyone know that?
Remus: No.
Severus: Sure we do. The nut house.
Me: *screams and starts trying to fight her way free*
Severus: Good girl.
Remus: Just go with them quietly and they'll realize that you're sane. Don't worry, everything will be fine.
Sirius: Are you sure?
Remus: Shut up, you're starting to piss me off too.
Severus: *cackle devilishly*
Sirius: Sorry Moony.
Remus: Just be quiet Padfoot.
Severus: Oh, wonderful little pet names for the lovers...
Sirius: Yes, and we have one for you too.
Remus: Sirius, don't.
Sirius: Greasy old slime ball, that's you.
Me: *listens to the struggling sounds in her head while being put in a straightjacket*
Remus: STOP IT! No fighting inside someone else's head!
Severus: Piss off, Lupin. And take Black with you.
Sirius: Why don't you leave?
Remus: *pleading tone* Why don't we all leave?
Severus: Hmm... okay, she's off to the mental institution anyway.
Sirius: Are you sure?
Severus and Remus: YES!
Sirius: Alright, sorry.
Remus, Severus and Sirius: *leaves*
Me: *blinks* Wait, where did you go? Hello??? Crap, the nut house is going to become lonely... *sigh*
