Author: Topaz
Genre: Humor
Rating: PG
Summary: "Bless me, Snape, for I have sinned..."
E-mail: saffron13@somethingorother.com
Homepage: http://topazmisty.homestead.com/index.html
Ff.n page: Topaz
Hermione: But I'm Atheist!
Dean: I'm Jewish!
Crabbe: Me and Goyle are Buddhist!
Dumbledore: Too bad. We'll be starting off the day with confessions - you go into the confession booth and confess your sins to the Hogwarts priest. Miss Granger, you first.
Hermione enters a small, dark, room.
Priest: You're supposed to say 'Bless me, Father, for I have sinned'.
Hermione: I know that voice! You're Snape!
Snape: So?
Hermione: You're evil! How can you be a priest?
Snape: Uh... the Church is corrupt?
Hermione: Obviously. I'm leaving.
Snape: Hey! You can't leave! You have to confess your sins!
Hermione: How would you define the word 'sin'?
Snape: Um... when you do something bad?
Hermione: Ah, but how can we, mere mortals, tell if something is bad or good? What if you steal someone's candy and it ends up saving their life? Is that bad or good? How to define 'bad'?
Snape: Next!
Hermione is taken away by the guards, and Harry is dragged in.
Harry: Bless me, Professor, for I have sinned.
Snape: Oooh... How?
Harry: I forgot to clean Hedwig's cage last Saturday...
Snape: That's boring. Tell me something interesting!
Harry: You don't sound very priestly.
Snape: Tell me something I don't know, kid.
Harry: Um... two plus two is four?
Snape: Har har, very funny. I mean, that is just hysterical. I'm rolling on the floor with laughter. My ribs are cracked. You're killing me, Potter, you're killing me. You've got to be the funniest guy I've ever met.
Harry: *scowls* Fine, be that way. I won't tell you my biggest sin.
Snape: Oooh, what? I'm sorry, just tell me!
Harry: No.
Snape: Please?
Harry: No.
Snape: I'll give you candy...
Harry: 100 points for Gryffindor, and you've got yourself a deal.
Snape: Deal *they somehow shake hands through the wall*
Harry: I tricked my Potions professor into believing I actually had an interesting sin to tell him!
Snape: Really? Wow! *thinks about it* HEY! POTTER!!!
Harry: Heh heh.
Harry is taken away by the guards and Ron Weasley is dragged in.
Ron: Bless me, Mother, for I have sinned.
Snape: (In king's voice from Monthy Python & HG) Father. I'm Father.
Ron: You're not my father! Are you?
Snape: Damn right I'm not! Ew!
Ron: Then why did you say you were my father?
Snape: *in deep voice* Ron, I am your father!
Ron: But you said -
Snape: I was quoting, dunderhead. Haven't you ever seen Star Wars?
Ron: ?
Snape: *sighs* Never mind. Anyway, 'Fahter' is the proper term when addressing me.
Ron: You're not an envelope!
Snape: *is confused beyond belief*
Ron: How can I address you if you're not an envelope?
Snape: *fumes* Stupid fool! 'Address' means talk to!
Ron: I don't talk to envelopes!
Snape: GAHHHHH!
Ron is taken away by the guards, and Draco Malfoy is brought in.
Snape: *takes several deep breaths*
Draco: Are you constipated?
Snape: *tries to throttle Draco but cannot because he's behind a wall* No, you moron! I'm just on the verge of having a heart attack from stress!
Draco: Oh. Bless me, Father, for I'm pretty sure I sinned.
Snape: Just pretty sure?
Draco: Well, I must have sinned sometime this week, but... (Westley voice) nothing comes to mind.
Snape: Stop quoting Princess Bride or (Prince Humperdinck voice) I shall be very put out. Tell me your sins.
Draco: I threw pebble at Crookshanks.
Snape: That's boring! Tell me something interesting!
Draco: I didn't sent the child support money to Parvati.
Snape: You - never mind, I don't want to know.
Draco: That's right, you don't.
Snape: So... anymore sins?
Draco: *thinks* Nope.
Snape: Your father is one of Voldemort's biggest supporters, you're a Slytherin and a future Death Eater, and your biggest sin is not paying child support?!
Draco: Child support is a serious matter, Snape. I'm shocked at you.
Snape: Come on! There must be something!
Draco: Well, I told Lavender Brown that her mother was pregnant and she believed me.
Snape: Awesome! Really?
Draco: Yeah... I also told her the father was you...
Snape: *tries to throttle Draco again, but again cannot*
The guards take Draco away and Neville Longbottom is brought in.
Snape: Not you!
Neville: B-bless me, F-father, for I have... I have... I have...
Snape: Sinned?
Neville: Yeah, sinned.
Snape: *dully* What did you do?
Neville: Um... I melted my cauldron in Potions class.
Snape: Damn right you did. And I had to clean up the mess!
Neville: I thought Filch was the janitor.
Snape: He was busy doing nasty things with his cat, Mrs. Norris.
Neville: *is scarred for life*
Snape: I'm so evil.
Neville, who is still traumatized, is taken away, and Parvati Patil is dragged in.
Parvati: My hairdo! It's ruined!
Snape: The horror of it all!
Parvati: I know! Oh, were you being sarcastic?
Snape: *groans*
Parvati: Well, bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Snape: What did you do?
Parvati: I told Draco that my baby was his.
Snape: *bursts into laughter*
Parvati: Well, Ron can't afford child support.
Snape: You- never mind, I don't want to know.
Parvati: That's right. You don't.
Snape: Ever heard about something called 'birth control'?
Parvati: Lavender's new parfume fits into that category. It smells like manure.
Snape thinks about this for several minutes, but can't figure out what she's talking about.
Parvati: You know, the perfume smells really bad so no one will do it with her?
Snape: *gasps* You said the 'd' word!
Parvati: ?
Snape: D-d-do it! This is a children's fan fic!
Parvati: Not anymore, it ain't.
Parvati is dragged away by the guards, and Voldemort is taken in.
Voldemort: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Snape: VOLDEMORT? What are you doing here?
Voldemort: I wanted to cleanse my soul of sin.
Snape: As if that could happen. So, what did you do?
Voldemort: *thinks for a while* I can't think of anything.
Snape: You're the Dark Lord, the most powerful evil wizard to ever walk the earth, and you CAN'T THINK OF ANY SINS?
Voldemort: Well, I'm under a lot of stress in this position, it's hard for me to-
Snape: Come on, you can think of something!
Voldemort: Um... I neglected to feed my pet bunny yesterday. His name is Commander Bun-Bun. He's very sweet.
Snape: *groans* This is pointless.
Voldemort: Well, he was hungry! I gave him an extra helping of lettuce today to make up for it.
Snape: This is futile.
Voldemort is taken away, and God is brought in.
God: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
Snape: What did you - OH MY GAWD!
God: Your God?
Snape: It's an expression, fool.
God: Oh.
Snape: You're God! Why are you confessing your sins to an evil Potions professor, who is, by the way, Neo-Pagan, not Christian?
God: I got bored up in Heaven. It's a boring place. All the interesting people go to Hell.
Snape: I feel your pain, man.
God: Thanks.
Snape: No prob. So, what are your sins?
God: *grins maliciously* I screwed up the American election -
Snape: Oh, that mess? I voted for Bush.
God: You're not American.
Snape: So?
God: *rolls eyes* Anyway, I started the war in Israel, I created standarized tests, I created high schools, homework, and made the prices for gas and oil go up, converted to Atheism...
Snape: You converted to Atheism?
God: Yeah. I don't believe in God.
Snape: You don't believe - never mind, I don't want to know.
God: That's right. You don't.
Snape: This is insane. God is atheist, I'm a priest, Voldemort's pet rabbit is named Commander Bun-Bun... what's the world coming to?
God: Ask the Republican party.
Snape: Why?
God: Cause I said so.
Snape: That's a great reason.
God: Isn't it?
Snape: I never thought God would be sarcastic. Come to think of it, I never thought God would be atheist. Come to think of it -
God: Calm down, buddy. You'll give yourself an ulcer.
Snape: *takes several deep breaths* Okay, I'm calm.
God: You know, Parvati's baby wasn't Ron or Draco's.
Snape: It wasn't?
God: No. It's Cho Chang's.
Snape: It's - *faints*
God: Heh heh. I'm so evil.
THE END
