The Daily Blather
3/13/02

      I kind of feel like a con today. I've not really covered it yet, but I feel as though I'm doing so much better, even from the time that I originally started putting this site togehter a couple of months ago. When I began this page it was because I was entering into another familiar cycle - a tailspin kinda. And I knew that I needed a doctor's appt. and fast. I've since gotten Paxil. I'd never been on Paxil before. I had always been a prozac baby. The little yellow and green was just fine by me. Paxil though is wonderful, wonderful stuff. I can't say enough good things about it. People always say you shouldn't use medication as a crutch, as though it's comprable to the overuse of painkillers or an addiction to other things...but my sympathies run deep. In one respect, I want to jump in the face of someone who doesn't "get" depression and could ever view medication as anything resembling a prop up...my skin gets hot just thinking about it.  My other allegiance though falls with anyone that has an addiction to 'anything.' I think people become addicted for different reasons, but it's all rooted in some kind of commonality in pain. Pain is somehting I know is a necessary evil, but I have a hard time faulting someone for avoiding it - not in a character builing way- boy this pain thing is just great, but in a way of someone who's seen and swam in pain for a long period of time - and knows he/she never wants to return to that...So getting back to my original point after having visited tangent land - I don't feel I'm as readily in touch with all the emotions that I had even two months ago. I don't feel numbed, I just feel without - and in a way I'll NEVER understand, I sometimes miss that explicit commune with emotion. But I'll keep writing this anyway, because I've been there, and my head has taken plenty of notes along the way.

3/13/02 II

I have such a cheeseball narritive voice I never noticed. Hehe. That's too bad. Sorry if I sound like an Andy Rooney segment on 60 minutes. And don't sit there looking at your monitor silently saying "Don't flatter yourself - well hell go ahead and say it if you want to - hehe."
3/14/02

Have you noticed, and if you spend any, well rephrase -- if you spend any gross amount amount of time on the internet you're no doubt in touch with all of the lil
blogs and personal logs that people have created. Some are good, some not so good, my own falling into the latter, but still, there seems to exist a kind of early to mid twenties - kind of webspeak. And look around - it really is out there.  It's a sort of hip(HATE that word, but eh) knowing, saracastic - but witty tone. All kinds of references to pop-culture, and a Malcom in the Middle lingo all in one. It's as though a typical 'friends' script was planted in Kevin Williamson's(writer of Scream) ass and out grew this modified speak that everyone separately employs...Not the first time this observation has been mentioned, and Lord knows Ted Coppell has sat in some little community center in New England like he does, and talked of this very phenomenon, but it's really kinda interesting. We do have similarities...even if we don't want them necessarily.

3/15/02

Has anyone listened to that jackass - Mike Savage on talk radio? My own leanings tend to be towards the conservative, and this guy is supposed to be the spokesperson for all the great and good the conservitism stands for...but I listen to him nightly on the way home from work just to see how badly he'll piss me off...anyone else heard him? He ridicules his callers if they come on and praise him, and take to long to get to their point, and then his remarks are so obtuse in one breath and then just off the wall bold the next. Anyone else heard him? He stands pat on his idea that most Americans are stupid, mindless, bud smoking, morons. His show is called the savage nation. Give it a listen. Ugh.
4/23/02

So it's been a while on here. Well, I've been going through that tide that can occur, in that,  emotion can fill you and you can feel as though you are swollen with things that are in one way very familiar and then in another - something distant. I think depression is so unique in that you can go through episodes where you feel like you are recovering yourself, you're well on your way to feeling 'normal' and then you can ebb back into a sinkhole that holds emotions that you've never breached before. And you get back all kinds of emotions, that by this time are old friends, for me panic attacks, and anxiousness, and then you can get new friends -- in this case - just a melancholy that I don't at this point know well enough to name. I feel as though I'm using a lot of my day and effort just in analyzing something that I think wants to remain ambigous or unnamed,, but is somewhat torturing. I'm within the general listlessness in which nothing seems to truly hold value. Getting out of bed, toleratiing time, making small talk, eating lunch, all seem to hold little reward. I've known such feelings before, but with a different spin. This time it is not so severe to be incompacitating, but it is still difficult nonetheless.