myown

Everyone's own start has a different context, but looking back on my own, it sometimes makes me smile(oddly enough). I smile because - my only sure pinpoint - although I'm sure that other signs and tendencies - was while I was in college. It's almost a clich'e. I had just transferred to a new school, and was in a World Lit class. We read Leo Tolstoy's 'Confession' - which is a awsomely vivid depiction of depression and battles faced by Tolstoy himself. Well, within a matter of three weeks I was in an unforseen tailspin, and I'm guessing that the pain presented in the book kind of (again cliche) unlocked something inside that was already on low simmer. .
Depression is very patient. I think it was with me. It knows that by hanging around it can wear on you. And wear on you. And rub away your defenses. It doesn't have to tackle you - it makes you self-destruct in increments. I remember that I woke up one morning shortly after having all the beginning signs of the beginning, and I had an immense stomach ache. A pain like I hadn't ever had. I didn't go to class and I stayed in the dorm room with the blinds closed. I couldn't do anything. Other pains started to begin occuring in the following weeks. Headaches, inablilty to concentrate. Loss of appetite - but only sporatticaly. Fatigue. Immense fatigue.
My stomach aches became progressively worse. I had trouble breathing. My world's edges began tightening in a very literal way. It became all I could do to deal with the physical pain, much less execise my brain with daily activities or school.

My stomach aches began to become unbearble. I was in so much pain, that I would litterally sit for hours in the dorm, lights off, mobbed by the pain. I went to the doctor - several times. They ran tests, as they dutifully will - and of course - nothing out of the ordinary was found. The thing that still amazes - is that after all the tests came back normal, why no other thinking was ever employed to consider depression, or mood disorder. The pain continued. I was skipping classes more and more. It was in this time period that the more familiar characteristics of depression set in. The overwhelming sadness. To me - it's my menace. My menace was with me in the shower, on the phone, in class. Everywhere. I would become lost in a thoughtless stretch of blank- where distraction to nothing in particular would take over. Consumed by nothing - thinking of nothing, but my mind was locked down - stuck - paralyzed. Studying was difficult if not impossible. I was becoming overwhelmed, and not understanding what I was dealing with - no relatable expericence, made things almost intolerable. A good day was sleeping until 10 - getting up - maybe going to my morning class. Fighting stomach pains - take some Tums - pull a hat down over my bedhead and straggle to class. Get out of class - force a face of 'happy' while walking around campus - can't appear to be anything less than great - duck into the cafeteria - get a lunch for takeout - and go back to the dorm to watch tv. Taking another nap in the afternoon - skipping class(wasn't working this semester) - reading books to pass the time that seems inescapable. Your mind gets into internal conflcts. Plenty of time for that. Time seems to always stretch in front of you - you can't bear thinking of doing anything to fill the time, but are beaten up by the fact the the routine will exist the next day, and the next day, and the next, and why at all bother? What is it all for? And the contemplative state that your mind reaches in depression isn't some the same vague wonderings that would be spouted by a pothead or a self important guru speaker, it's not the chorus to a bad song - but - rather a VERY pointed thinking into - what really is there to live for should I only exist like this - in this much pain - for the rest of my life. Your mind always plants the realization that while people may appear concerned no one is walking in your shoes - no one truly understands, and you almost feel patronized when someone offers any hand other than true, pure, sincerity. Then invaribly you get those who will tell you that they too had a bad day, and they can sympathize with what you're going through (and your mind wants to BLEED - PULSE - BURST - BURN - ACHE - SCREAM - LASH - SPARK - JUMP ON - BEAT DOWN- telling them to kindly go to hell (if only I weren't so apathtic that I didn't care really)) when you know that what you're dealing with is beyond a bad day, a bad week, a period of feeling blue. I did - and got worse before it got better.

A little background I believe is always helpful. I grew up playing sports(golf,soccer, basketball), was nominated to the homecoming court twice in four years and was on student council - yadda, yadda, yadda. I didn't ever prod into wherther I had a family history with depression or things of the same nature, and I guess it's family history not always volunteered
unless needed...but it was later that I found out - yes, it was prevalant, and yes it was something that's been in the family for a good long time. I was always well liked, got along with others, was very out going, and within five years had become very reserved, timid, and frightened by a great many things - and not at all sure why.

I still wasn't on medication at this point. Things were becoming very black and white. In depression things seem to become very immeadiate in the sense that - you can't deal with anything that has much involved in it other than the facts. Give it me straight or shut the hell up. Call it irrabiltiy, perhaps that's what you call it in a normal functioning world, but in the grips of being down in it, I call is SOP for getting though the day. Converselly, for myself at least, I felt the need (and still do in large part as all of this has evolved) to justify everything down to the smallest detail to avoid being misconstrued. And your sincerity becomes intense and you want people to realize that in amid all the things grating in your head in a loop that you're somehow mustering clarity, you're making enough effort to fight back the mental fog - formulate and honest, sincere observation or thought to someone, and the other person responds in an 'ok' fashion, and you're crushed even further. Consequently will become a little quieter the next time around, and a little more cautious in expending energy, and a little harder on yourself, questioning why they should have cared as much as you think they should have.