Things I'd like to know - to really know I'm not the only one.

I think I need to dot.com that - thingsidliketoknowsoiknowimnottheonlyone.com  - it'll be a hit I tell you - but I would really have to make sure I got you to bookmark - or it might be a one trip kinda deal. Okay this section is really a whole lot of screaming off into the void...for no one in particular. Just rambling in the brain. And I guess I should go ahead and slap a parental advidsory on here - lots of cursing tends to exit my mouth when I think about all the warm fuzziness that depression tends to deposit in my life. If you have any kind of cathartic rants - email me and it'll find it's way here if you want. Just bitch a little about depression. We're all truly brave, but I think we can bear to have a sense of humor sometimes(or just non-stop rage - that can be blown out - up whatever - and have a nice effect.) Sometimes it can feel very good to just let go of some emotional sandbags - especially around others who know what you're going through.

3/4/02       Perhaps things don't need dates, but it'll help me think later and kind of flag a bookmark in my life as it were. I'm on Paxil now. I've taken it before. It really is good stuff It's an elixer I'm not sure I could do without now - or perhaps fear to do without. It's fear that got me here in the first place. But I'm in a fuck  all kinda mood tonight - fuck the pain, fuck fear - fuck insensitivty(yes irony abounds) fuck people's perceptions, impressions, back handed sleights. I really don't understand why it's sooooo fucking hard to just be nice. To just be nice. To just be nice without reserrvation or false sincerity. Nice without ulterior anything - nice for the sake of nice. It all sounds so "I'm a 15 year old igirl ...maybe I need a Mochachino and birks...I need to hug a tree...I need a cigarette...or I should have my emotional levels tested" kind of thing, but it's as though people are afraid to be nice. It's a concession of weakness. Jimmy Carter I think is who I see as being the last honest to goodness, kind president in the second half of the 20th century and he was ripped to pieces. I'm not scared to be percieved as weak if I were perceived as honestly kind. But you exist in a world that posits an enormous catch-22 that just sucks. But should you become lost and a little troubled by all of the lack of kindness, you're not really given reprieve, instead you're questioned, and made to realize the impracticality of not being ferocious. Ferocity is what is revered in our culture. Dog eat dog, bootstraps, etc. Perhaps power is only to be gained through enforced and viorlent will, and thinking about it, I don't even crave power, I just crave to be left alone. For the little sullking, pussy shit that I must be.

Why is it that the left wind hard cores and right wing hard cores all piss me off? And I'm not even a centrist...damn the torpedo.