Honestly OK

<A/N: This is my first songfic, so bear with me, okay? Set after the fall of Estet, Schuldig is the only survivor. BradSchu, YoSchu

Disclaimers: The characters aren't mine and the song belongs to Dido. Neither is making me any money.

Warnings: angst mostly. Yaoi, though no actual action. Possibly a deathfic, depending what you want to read into the ending. >

I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again

Sometimes it's hard to hold on. Sometimes I think of you and my head spins and I feel the weight of a million minds pressing against mine. I don't know why I stay in this damned city. I mean, of all the places for a telepath, right?

I miss you. Three words, simple words, but just saying them makes it hurt more. You knew, you bastard! You knew and you never said a word. You just disappeared beneath the waves.

I'm losing it, Brad. I'm drowning in the city like you drowned in the sea and I'm shit scared.

I just want to feel deep in my own world

I try, I swear I try. I know you'd want me to. If I give up we'll meet in hell and you'll have that contemptuous sneer on your face, fire reflecting off of those damn shiny glasses of yours. That would kill me, except, well, I'd have to be dead to be there to see you, so, moot point, really.

I immerse myself in this city. It's not hard. Booze, fags, drugs, sex… And it works, for a short while each evening. But as each day passes that time grows shorter and shorter. I need another solution. I'm drowning in the consciousness of this city and because you fucking abandoned me there's no one around to pull me out.

But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

I've never lived alone before.

I don't like it. Even before we met, even before Rosenkreuz, I wasn't alone. I was a whore. It's taking more willpower than I've got to keep from going back to that. I need people. I need them to take my mind off me and off everything that's happened. No matter who I meet, they've got it better than me. I need people, I need physical contact, to remind me I'm separate from them.

On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened

Insanity is creeping up on me. I talk to myself almost continuously. I forget where I am and why I went there. I'll set out to buy beer and come back with perfume, because that's what someone I passed in the street was buying.

I need someone to ground me. You were good at that. I think, if I had someone, I might be able to hang on. It's easy to move on and keep going when you're not fighting to stay sane. One thing at a time, easy does it… I can be stable again; I can put up some shields to keep myself separate from the rest of the world. Once I've done that, once I know who I am, I'll be able to work through all this emotional crap you've left me with. Because I won't be trying to work through half of Tokyo's emotional crap too.

But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin

If wishes were fishes… I avoid going out now, except for sex. I've always been able to find greater clarity when having sex.

You're gone. Everything I knew is gone. If I lose it now there's no one around to help me pick up the pieces. If I lose my mind it's gone forever. Fucking terrifying. My body would be a mass consciousness, the city in a handful of cells.

I know you'd despise me if you were here. I despise me. I never knew I was so weak. I guess I've just matured enough to acknowledge it. Before we met I was worse off than I am now, but I thought I was being strong. You, bastard, taught me to depend on people, to feed off them and drown my sorrows on other people. It made me a better tool. I fucking hate you, and that's not just the bitterness of a sole survivor. It's retrospect.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

I went to a club last night. Every night for the last six months, truth be told. But yesterday evening was different. I'd had to go out for food, and I managed to come back with what I set out for. I had to write a list, but I managed to come back with what I wanted, give or take a few items. Emphasis on the 'take', since I haven't had any money for a while now.

The club was packed full of strangers. All with their own problems, all determined to ignore them. It helps when I'm with people like that. When they concentrate on having fun and fucking strangers I end up doing the same, which, since it's what I set out to do, is almost the same as making the decisions myself.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

And suddenly I wasn't entirely surrounded by strangers, just mostly. A blonde guy came up to me. He looked as rough as I felt, and his head was a mess. He didn't know what to make of me at first, but I gave him a beer someone had put in my hand and he seemed to accept it as a peace offering. I was just glad to have someone new to drape myself over. We were both so fucked in the head I forgot myself for a while.

We made out in the club. I needed to be around people. I needed people to remind me that I exist. He not only reminded me I existed, he reminded me I was alive.

And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore

It's not love. It's not even lust. It's need. Raw and primal. He's as bad off as I am, perhaps worse. He's never been mad before. At least I've got some experience. When I lose myself he helps pull me back.

When Schuldig loses himself I usually go off the deep end too, so he has to come round to bring me back, or vice versa. He can't keep himself inside his own head and I strangle women. We're both going to end up in an asylum any day now. Sometimes…

MynameisSchuldig.NotYohji.

Fuck, I'm scared. I'm losing it. Why can't people stay confined to their own bodies? I thought having him around would make it easier, but it's not.

…I'm going to strangle him. I'm going to watch his face turn blue and black and purple finger marks appear around the corpse's swollen neck…

I just want to feel safe in my own skin, I just want to be happy again.