I want to live: Chapter One

//When superstars and cannonballs

Are running through your head//

"You seem not your usual self today." I remark, sipping my coffee and studying my current infatuation. I'm not in love, you see ; I don't do love. Just flings.

"Oh?" He stares at the milk, swirling around in his coffee as he stirs it with his spoon.

We are at our usual spot ; a nice cafetaria in one of the many back-alleys of Tokyo. To list all of them would be a life's work, which means they offer us a reasonable amount of anonymity.

This one's not different from any other ; we happened to stumble in here the first time we met for something else than a fight. The drab they serve for coffee isn't too bad and it's cheap.

Not that either of us couldn't afford something more expensive. But we don't care enough to go elsewhere ; we come here to be together, not to enjoy a delicious cup of coffee.

Taking another swallow, I can't but agree with that last thought. Even Farfarello brews better coffee than this and that says something!

//And television freak show

Cops and robbers everywhere//

My more-than-one-night-stand sighs. I feel slightly offended at his attitude ; is watching the liquid in his cup more interesting than me, than talking to me, than feasting his eyes on me?

It's not arrogance to say I'm a sight to behold ; not many people in this place have red hair. Well, one of his team-members does, of course, but in any comparison between Ran Fujimiya and yours truly, I'm guaranteed to come up on top.

I look gorgeous and I know it.

"Come on, kitten, talk to me." I try to coax him into a conversation. Usually he's so talkative I sometimes feel obliged to lock him out to spare my ears. It's one of the few useful things they taught us at Rosenkreuz.

All of us use it at times, especially Crawford. Poor Brad, I almost pity him sometimes.

//Subway makes me nervous,

People pushing me too far//

"What about?" Tsk, tsk, he sounds really depressed. I wonder what happened to him to wipe away his eternal sunny smile. It's like a personal insult to me ; having someone else influence his mood so heavily.

This kitten happens to be mine ; if I want him to laugh, he will laugh. How dares someone else take away his smile?! If I could, I would take him away from the world, never to let him go again.

It would kill him, as sure as his darts kill his opponents. But any man needs some dreams and this happens to be mine. It's an innocent one, compared to some of the others I've had over the years. Almost cute.

"Anything you want." I offer generously. Bring it on, sweet, let's hear that story of your exciting day at school once again. I can take it, especially if it'd return the light to your eyes.

Oh yes, eyes like his are meant to shine. They're wide and blue, like the skies on a cloudless day.

//I've got to break away

So take my hand now//

"Don't want to." he mutters. "Don't want to talk."

Well, we really can't have that, can we? I didn't come here to hear you don't want to talk to me ; you're not following the script. You're breaking my rules.

By default, you are forgiven yet this does not mean no punishment is due. Someone will pay for my wasted time here, for the time spent to bring back your smile.

"Tell me what happened to you." I propose. "Tell me. I will listen."

He looks at me. His eyes are empty, void. I feel like killing. I feel like ripping something apart with my bare hands, like giving in to the madness that's always there and watch the blood dripping from my hands, red, like my hair.

I'm a predator ; I'm not the type to cuddle and cherish. Those I care for I will defend until I tire of them, no longer care and throw them away. "Tell me."

//'Cause I want to live, (like animals)

Careless and free (like animals)//

"There was ... a mission." he starts finally. "A mission. We were supposed to kill a person."

I nod. Isn't that what all missions are about? Nothing can be accomplished if you're not prepared to eliminate some problems first. Life can only be achieved through death.

And while the words tumble from his lips, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, I watch the tale unfold before my mind's eyes, seeing all of it. The pain, the betrayal, the hurt.

I feel something snapping in me as I watch Abyssinian backhanding him, while Siberian and Balinese stand by in silence, neither condemning nor approving.

Oh, I know what a thing like that feels like, what it can do to a person without too much defenses to the harshness of reality. A person like my soft and far too sweet kitten.

//I want to live

I want to run through the jungle//

"He was right in hitting me, I know, I know, but it hurts." His stream of words come to a halt.

The feeling of deserving what happened, of having earned it, all too familiar to me. Of course it's never justified ; it's never right if someone you'd trust your life to harms you like that, but it happens and what can you do about it?

The next day, you wake up with the bruises. They fade in time. Perhaps the scars on your heart will go away too. It's impossible to forget about it though ; trust has been broken.

Trust can't be repaired, not ever. A justification is sought, not for feeling betrayed, but for the act of betrayal itself, for the person causing your pain.

Because it can't be their fault, can it? No, no, it has to be you. You did something wrong and they only corrected you. They were right and you were wrong.

//The wind in my hair

And the sand at my feet//

"Don't blame yourself for what he did!" I snarl. "Don't you dare!"

I remember another child, a child of the sun, so happy. So much like him who sits next to me.

That child is lost. Gone. Dead.

His eyes are uncertain now ; I know he wants to believe me. He wants to, yes, but some part of him doesn't allow him to. The part of him shaped by Kritiker.

It has always been there for me to see, yet never so clear as at this moment. It's like a curtain hanging between us, keeping me out.

Perhaps there is a way to break through it though ; a key to let me in.

"Omi ... I love you."

I want to live: Chapter Two

//I don't have any difficulties

Keeping to myself//

"No you don't." He turns away again.

He's right of course ; like I said earlier I don't do love. Still, that doesn't give him the right to speak against me. If I say I love him, it's not his place to say I don't.

"Yes I do. More than anyone in this world."

He remains silent. I am growing tired of this. "Let's get out of here."

As I pull him along, he doesn't try to resist. Normally that would cheer me up, but this time I see it as another sign of what Abyssinian has done to him by that single thoughtless act.

That's the worst of it, you know, that he probably didn't even consider the effect his deed might have on Omi. He's not a bad person, Ran Fujimiya, albeit he is a bitter one.

The others, whom he thinks of as friends, aren't bad persons either ; they're merely blind. Like a lot of people are. They may have tried to offer some comfort, not being completely oblivious to his pain, but they don't really understand it. Not like me.

//Feelings and emotions

Better left up on the shelf//

There are very few emotions I haven't experienced, very few kinds of hurt I haven't felt. It's what being a telepath does to you. If I say I feel your pain, I mean it.

"Where are we going?" he asks after a while.

"Somewhere. Anywhere."

Who knows where people like us are going to? People like us, who don't even exist according to the laws of this land? We live, we die and what then? Who would remember us?

What would we leave behind worth remembering?

I walk fast, too fast perhaps ; his breath comes quickly as I stop and look around. A park. Of course it would have to be a park. Where the sound of children's laughter fills the air at day, while at night it's the territory of robbers and killers.

The moon is bright tonight, surrounded by twinkling stars.

"Why are we here, Schuldich? What do you want to show me?"

//Animals and children tell the truth,

They never lie.//

What do I want to tell you, kitten of mine? About a child of the sun perhaps, who wore the flames of light and life in his hair? About his death and his rebirth?

What can I show you to make you see while keeping you blind?

If you saw what I have seen, it would change you and you would no longer be who you were.

That's not what I want to accomplish here tonight ; I want the cute and fluffy person known to the world as Omi Tsukiyono. He was mine and I want him back.

I always get what I want. I won't be denied, in this or in anything.

"Look up to the sky. Can you see it?"

The moon will shed its light on you, no matter what. It comes and goes, like me, like you. Breathe in the cool air of night, feel it fill your lungs.

Your life, your light means something, even if it's meaningless.

//Which one is more human?

There's a thought, now you decide//

"See what?"

You don't even try, do you? You disappoint me. It's not like you to give up so easily, or rather, not like the person you were, the person I made mine.

Mine, for as long as I want you, so how dare you turn me down now and not listen to me when I talk to you or deny me when I say I love you?

How can you let Ran Fujimiya, who has never done anything for you that even comes close to what I have done, how can you let him hurt you like this?

You don't fight him, don't try to argue with him, but you do those things with me.

Can't you rid yourself of this blindness, this darkness that drags you under?

"The world we live in." I reply.

"It's not my world."

//Compassion in the jungle,

Compassion in your hands,//

Who says you have to own the world to live in it? Your world, my world, what do words like those really mean? Nothing. They're like dust in the wind, stinging your eyes.

"Can you forgive him?" I ask.

Why do you look at me so surprised now, kitten? It shouldn't be you who wallows in guilt about that evening ; it should be him.

You had a temper once, where is it now that I want to see it?

Show me, kitten, show me the flame of life in your eyes, the burning anger at those who harm the innocent, those who cannot be forgiven.

It was there every time we met before.

//Would you like to make a run for it?

Would you like to take my hand?//

"Who?"

Don't play dumb with me, you know whom I meant.

We sit down in the grass, not soft and comfortable but prickly and dry. Don't believe the romance novels until you've been there yourself.

"Aya?"

Why do you talk to me in questions now? You can read my mind, know what I mean or want at any given time. A precious gift, unlike my own, which is only a burden and a curse.

//'Cause I want to live (like animals)

Careless and free (like animals)//

"He was right."

Your first statement, first certainty. First mistake.

He was wrong ; he didn't know what he did to you and he definitely wouldn't want you to wither away like you are doing now in front of my uncaring eyes.

He would care I think, no I'm sure of it. He would care, and they would care and everyone would miss the sunshine in your smile but no one would understand why it wasn't there anymore. Such a messed up situation, isn't it?

//I want to live,

I want to run through the jungle//

This world can be like a jungle, with its rules of survival, which is for the strong, and downfall, which is for the weak. You're not weak by nature ; you're weak because you let other people make you that way.

You gave your trust too easily, too lightly, yet such is your nature. You couldn't change it on your own, and I wouldn't change it if I could because it's part of who you are. Part of what draws me to you. Part of what will destroy you in the end.

"You are wrong."

Before, you were right. When you said my name suited my character, you were right.

//The wind in my hair

And the sand at my feet//

"Don't try to cheer me up ; I don't deserve it." you say softly, making another mistake.

I want to live: chapter Three

//Sometimes this life can get you down//

"Don't try to cheer me up ; I don't deserve it."

That's what this is all about to you, isn't it? What's right, what's wrong, what you deserve ... it's all an illusion, to think we'd get what we deserve, to think we can influence our fate.

If all of us got what we deserved, I wouldn't have gotten to have you ; I'd have died long ago, too much of a sinner to earn the right to live.

Don't lie to yourself, kitten, just stop it! What I am doing, I do for myself. There is no higher power to decree my actions, or to judge yours. If you consider Ran an instrument of justice, you're dead wrong.

He's only human. Like you are. Like I am.

I wanted you to be my sunshine, to feel the warmth of your life as I held you but now I find you slipping into darkness. I can't accept that, can't allow you to fall.

You've been through stuff like this before ; your own blood has done much worse to you when they refused to ransom you, leaving you in the hands of people sure to hurt you.

You were a fighter then already, refusing to give up, turning into the happy child I knew.

//It's so confusing

With so many rules to follow//

"I want you to smile." My desire, simply put.

I have sifted through them, all of your memories. So much light, so much darkness. Somehow there was always someone to protect you from the worst of it.

Can I do any less for you than them?

"What do I have left to smile about? I'm worthless."

"Perhaps." A shrug. We all are worthless to some people, while valuable to others. And sometimes we only realize whom we valued in this life when they're gone and sometimes we discover that the one we thought most precious wasn't worth a thing.

"Not to me." I explain. "I would buy you in a heartbeat if I saw you in a shop-window."

One sunchild for sale, price : your heart, soul and happiness. For free to certain people. People like Ran Fujimiya who are blind to his value.

The corners of his mouth twitch. They know what they want to do, only his mind denies it.

//And I feel it

'Cause I just run away in my mind//

"Not funny." he says drily, even if his mind has already told me differently.

"I feel underappreciated." I complain, with a hint of a whine. My whining always makes him laugh, even if he'd rather be annoyed with me.

"You do? Why?" He honestly doesn't understand.

I sigh. I feel like lighting a cigarette only I'm afraid it might ruin the moment.

"I told you you're loved, I do everything I can to make you smile, but you just sit there, feeling sorry for yourself." I accuse, not entirely unjustified I think.

"You don't love me." he states again.

We've been there already, kitten. "Not when you're like this."

"Not ever." Oh, do argue with me. Get angry with me, yell at me, I don't care. It doesn't matter to me which passion lights the fires in your soul.

//When superstars and cannonballs

Are running through your head//

"What makes you say that?" I ask, honestly curious. Do you know what moves you?

"I just know." A stubborn look on your face. "I just do."

"Do you think Aya loves you?" If he didn't love you, he shouldn't have been able to hurt you so bad, if he did, he shouldn't have considered doing it.

'Should's and 'shouldn't' make no difference to reality, yet we use them so often. So often when it's too late.

"I don't know." You thought he did, didn't you? That's why one slap hurts so much ; I've seen Nagi toss you into walls, causing you much more physical pain than that.

"He does, take my word for it. And he wouldn't want you to feel like this."

//Television freak show

Cops and robbers everywhere//

In truth, I'd much rather tell you how much of a bastard he is, how blind to your beauty, you fragility. But that could only have bad results ; you'd either turn away from me or believe me.

I have toyed with the idea, you know, to use this moment to capture all of you, to watch the look on the others' faces when I take you home with me.

It would lose its glow too soon ; you're meant to be distant, hard to get apart. Our moments together are precious because we have to steal them from the world.

"He wants me to be perfect! Just like you!"

Is that a complaint? Don't we all try to shape those around us to fit our desires better? You try to mold me too, into someone I am not. It's a sign we care.

That doesn't mean you have to give in to us, of course ; change is, like so many other things, a game of give and take. I changed you, you changed me and little by little we become different persons from those we once were.

//Animals and children tell the truth,

They never lie.//

"You are perfect the way you are. Once you stop whining, that is." A hint of being mean, a hint of love ; it's the way I lure people into doing what I want.

"But what about Aya? And the others?"

Is that a glimmer of hope I see in your eyes, a hint of sunlight? Why, I think it is! And it only took me, oh, about three hours of hard work.

"They like you." Love is such a heavy word ; it can imply so many kinds of feelings. I don't really feel comfortable around it, even if I used it several times tonight already.

Even if maybe, possibly, love better describes how I feel about you than any other word.

//Which one is more human?

There's a thought, now you decide//

You still look uncertain, so I decide to use the information Crawford gave me after all.

"They're looking for you right now."

Wide, worried eyes. "They are?"

I nod. "Yup. Do you still think they don't care about you?"

~tbc~