Junior High School. That was when we'd met him. The boy who'd change both of our lives forever. Now that I think of it, he wasn't so central to everything. Only in both of our minds. He was in love with Juri-san and I thought Juri-san was in love with him.
It was these thoughts that led me to so many mistakes. I never asked her. Friends should ask each other these sorts of things. If I had simply asked her about it then, this whole story could've had such a different outcome. I wouldn't have spent those years consumed with this nerve wracking guilt. A guilt that has yet to leave me.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. That was later. Now I'm trying to sort out everything in my mind. The chronology must be right. I'm attempting to reconstruct everything, and find what led me to those actions. When my turn for the worse happened.
Ohtori Academy Junior High. When we got to that level of schooling; Juri-san was one of the most popular and prestigious girls in the class. I, on the other hand, didn't have any friends. It was partly my fault, but it was hers too. She gave me everything I could ever want in a friend, and I didn't seek any others out, not then. She was unaware of her own standing, and I was at that age when I was so insecure about so many things.
I wasn't ugly, but I didn't stand out. I didn't get bad grades, but my academics weren't remarkable. I didn't have any special talent or any other thing that came close to putting the spotlight on me. I must sound so selfish. Wasn't my friendship with Juri-san enough?
Yes and no. I was so young back then, so naive about things. I sought acceptance. To be liked by the boys, to be looked up to by the girls. I didn't have these, but Juri-san did. It came to her so easily. Looks and the favor of everyone. I had noticed, with a growing amount of resentment, that her beauty only grew. I was plain. My hair didn't really do anything. It fell lifeless across my neck. My eyes, I found them dull. The only thing I had was Juri-san. The most popular girl in school was my best friend. It was something.
I tried to tell Juri-san this several times but she wouldn't hear it. Almost before I'd begin, she'd wave me away. I only wanted to share my feelings but she never listened to me. I must have been such a bother to her. That was why she shut me up so quickly. That's what I thought back then. I thought that it was all a protective lie, she probably was sick of me crying about those type of things. So she lied to me because she felt sorry for me. She had everything I ever wanted without even trying and I. I who worked so hard for everyones approval was never noticed.
How could she think I'd ever believe her? The kindest, most gorgeous, gifted and famous Arisugawa Juri-san telling me that I was pretty. That I was smart, that I was a good person who would be well loved if I opened up some more. If she could see that, she who was above everyone else... if she could see that, why couldn't they?!
Why wasn't I flocked around? Why didn't I ever get asked out as often as she? The teachers never commended me on my accomplishments but they always did her. My jealousy grew more and more each day and I hated it. I loved Juri-san, she was a close friend; but I felt so inferior when she was with me. She was the blazing sun that lit up everything, too bright to look at. I was a waning star in the distance, not burning brightly enough to even be recognized and be given a name.
A month or two into the school year, Juri-san decided she wanted to do something new. The modeling wasn't enough for her. I thought her to be so selfish. Even though she had everything, she wanted more. An act of spontaneity drove her to join the fencing team. She urged me to join her but I declined. I knew she'd outshine me with no trouble at all. I chose instead to watch her, and see how her try outs went. I did want her to make the team. But was it because I wanted her to succeed or because her failure would reflect badly on me? I was just her lowly friend, if she failed, wouldn't that make me look even worse?
I had worried over nothing. Juri-san's performance at try outs went way beyond my high expectations. She dazzled everyone with her graceful movements and she even tipped her foil on some of the older members. I smiled outwardly and cringed within. Something else she was so much better at than me. In her fencing uniform for the first time she was at ease, not even giving me the satisfaction of seeing her nervous. No, Juri-san never reduced herself to my level, she was far too proud to sink that low. Juri-san was enthused, her face was so bright and full of cheer, she stayed overtime.
I could've left, but I didn't. I chose to sit by myself in an isolated chair and watch the two of them spar. The room had cleared out by then and there was no one there to have a casual conversation with. My hands rested on my lap and I crossed my feet at the ankles. It was a ladylike position and one I was often in. One thing I could never be accused of was not being feminine. And I was a quiet person. Demure. I really was, it wasn't an act on my behalf.
In fact, I've never put up appearances. I've always acted as myself. I rarely lied, I just held back truths and did things that...
We left later that night. I was exhausted of doing nothing. Juri-san was full of energy. Then came that day. A student who'd been away transferred back in. He was an experienced fencer and had heard rumors of the great Arisugawa. He came in, wearing his mask. I wondered what was hidden beneath it, not knowing that later I'd get sick of staring into those penetrating eyes of his. He challenged Juri-san to a fencing match. She accepted. I smiled at either possibility. Win or lose. I'd be proud of her either way. That night as they fenced back and forth I watched. It was exciting to watch, Juri-san and the still unmasked boy. But I was also sad. Juri-san had so much raw talent and she was putting it to use. I was just sitting there. A mix of melancholy and excitement led to my bland statement. I wanted to try, to go out there and do something with them. But I felt I'd be getting in the way. So I just sat there, I could've tried, but I didn't. I observed. My life was passing me by while Juri-san lived hers to the fullest.
I was losing myself in these sorts of thoughts when I heard the 'ping' of a foil hitting the wall. My eyes lost their glazed look and I saw the tall body in a white uniform leaning back against the wall in an uncomfortable position. His head tilted awkwardly. I imagined the wince in his unseen face and smiled. I was proud of Juri-san; she was fabulous. To beat an experienced fencer with only a few weeks under her belt holding a holding a foil.... Amazing.
'You've got me. I give up.'
He pulled his fencing mask off and my smile faltered. I hadn't expected him to be so handsome. His brown hair was still in place with a small strand falling over his forehead, past his sea green eyes and over that perfectly straight nose.
Juri-san took her mask off, her face was flushed and her hair toussled. He smiled at her and praised her skill.
'You'd be a good match for even high school guys, Juri.'
His words weren't hollow, he meant them. Her talent spoke alone. Juri-san smiled easily and thanked him. Was it my insecurities that made me see things that weren't there? Juri-san always had been courteous to everyone, and warm, but she wasn't close to many. He and I were the exceptions.
As Juri-san got more into fencing, I would tag along and watch her practice. He was always there so the three of us, over time, became a trio. Where one went the others would follow. We did everything together. Study sessions, ice skating, fencing matches. Everything. I was happy then. I had more than one friend then and he was always so charitable towards me.
He always showered the two of us with equal affection and attention. I began to feel secure. Juri-san and I were on the same standing with him. I think, that at one point I developed a small crush on him. But I didn't want things to change. I was afraid to tell him. The possible rejection that could come out of it kept me silent. I didn't want to risk it. Besides, it wasn't such a big deal to me.
Over a period of time, months, Juri-san got more into fencing; she practiced religiously. The fencing dojo was her second home. He didn't go as often as she but the two of us would go to watch her for hours. He always spoke enthusiastically about how wonderful she was. The two of us spent a lot of time together and in some way or another, the topic of conversation shifted to her. I began to wish that I had taken up fencing. That way, maybe he would've complimented me on my skill. It sounds pathetic, but I got sick of hearing how great Juri-san was. Then it dawned on me. I was no longer on equal standing with Juri-san. She had beaten me again.
Juri-san... she acted peculiar when she saw how close him and I had become. She didn't know that there was nothing for her to worry about. He was in love, but it wasn't with me. I did enjoy that one small guilty pleasure, watching her see us with uncertainty. The fantasy she had that him and I might be together was a small victory in itself. It was revealed to me (inaccurately now that I look back on it) that Juri-san was in love. With him. When I first learned this, I felt nauseous. The two of us liked the same boy and he only liked one of the best friends. The choice that he would make was plain to see. It didn't take any time to carefully deliberate over this. Even I wouldn't pick myself over Juri-san if I were him.
One day, I had to take a make-up exam after school. What had started as a bad day had become great. Juri-san had aced the test and the previous night she'd stayed up late helping with my studying. The make-up, as a result, had gone very well. I practically skipped back to the dorm to tell her the good news. I flung the door open, only to be confronted with an empty room. I called out for her several times but got no response. After searching the rooms I confirmed that she was indeed missing. My mood dampened, I had wanted to have someone to share the good news with. I then thought of him. 'Him.' I don't use his name when I think of him to this day. While he'd been a good friend to me, and a boyfriend, near the end I'd seen him more as an object. One that could be used to hurt Juri-san. But these thoughts of his as an object wouldn't come until later. Now I feel terrible for using him as I did, but I wouldn't have done it if he hadn't used me... Again, I'm getting ahead of myself.
I called his dorm room. He wasn't in. I sighed as I placed the receiver into its cradle, hearing the loud click echo through the room, reminding me how alone I really was. The only thing that occured to me then was that they must've been fencing. I was bothered by it for some reason, they could've left me a note or message but they hadn't. My good mood was quickly disintegrating. Evaporating and dispensing into nothing. I waited in the dorm room for an hour trying to occupy my time. Flipping through magazines, catching an old re-run on tv. I'd seen the episode twice already. I was miserable. At long last I got tired of waiting for the two of them and packed a light bag full of snacks for Juri-san and him. Practice was taxing and at times they'd be famished.
I don't know, even now, why I was so surprised by what I found. What I thought I'd found I had. I had walked in and seen him holding Juri-san's hand. They were standing very close to one another and wore serious expressions. Juri-san smiled at him then and he laughed before kissing her hand. Her smile turned nervous and she pulled it back and walked a ways from him. He followed.
The world stopped then. Again. Again she had beaten me. He was spellbound by her and I... It dawned on me then that they must've planned this from the start. Of course they didn't tell me where they were going. They hadn't wanted to be found. Juri-san was so in love with him but maybe she'd picked up on my feelings for him. It was the only reason she'd resisted him now. Me. It was always about me and my happiness. Why was she so noble?! She made me sick! And he was almost as bad! Just using me to get close to Juri-san! I should've known better than to think somebody would really value me as a friend! I set down the basket by the door, glad that I wasn't shaking badly enough to spill everything on the floor. I didn't announce my presence.
I returned to the dorm and couldn't find what to do with myself. I was seething with hatred and jealousy at the two of them. Never once did it occur to me that I read the situation wrong. For someone who had such a low opinion of herself; I was incredibly arrogant. To think that they would spend all their time thinking and plotting against me.
I went to bed and fell asleep. The day had drained me emotionally, but even in my dreams I couldn't escape them. I saw them laughing and pointing at me, not believing how stupid I could've been. It was a restless sleep and I kept drifting in and out of conciousness. But every time I woke, even for seconds, I'd remember their betrayal before falling back asleep. In one of my in-between states I felt something soft brushing away strands from my forehead. I didn't open my eyes completely, just half opened them. Juri-san was watching me, her face full of concern and something else towards me. It was hard to believe that this was the girl who thought I was so pitiable. Why did she waste her time on me? She was dressed in her school uniform again. It didn't look like she'd had such a hard work out. I noticed her beauty again and was speechless. Juri-san continued to stroke my hair lovingly until she realized I was awake, she drew her hand back quickly as if she'd been burned. I didn't see the guilty look on her face.
'Shiori...,' her voice was higher pitched than usual, as if she'd just been caught doing something wrong, but then she composed herself. I was still sleepy and hadn't noticed anything out of the ordinary. 'Are you okay? You're in bed so early.'
'Fine,' I said monotone, 'I should go to sleep earlier I guess....'
Juri-san brightened. 'How did your make-up test go? I bet you did great!'
I couldn't say anything right away. Was this the girl I held such angry feelings for? It couldn't be!
'Shiori...?'
I blinked and smiled. She smiled back. 'Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. I did well on the test, thanks to you Juri-san. I couldn't have done it without you.'
'I didn't do anything,' she took one of my hands and covered it with her other hand, 'You would've done fine without me.'
My eyes traveled down to our hands. The one of hers that covered mine had a bruise on it. I was going to ask her about it, but she wasn't finished speaking.
'You don't know...,' she was wrestling with her words, looking unsure of what she was saying. She was hesitant. 'How special you are Shiori... You can do anything... please believe that.'
I felt myself starting to fall apart then. I tried to be strong, like Juri-san but I couldn't. I started to cry. Cry like I hadn't in such a long time. What kind of person had I become?! Thinking these deplorable thoughts of someone, of the one person who'd always treated me better than she herself was treated! I had it better than anyone, and in a way, better than Juri-san. I had the best friend in existance and she had a wolf in sheeps clothing. I buried my face in my hands and wailed. Juri-san was alarmed, she tried to pry my hands from my face but I pushed her away. I wasn't worthy of her comfort.
'S- Shiori?! What's the matter?'
'Nothing!,' I yelled in between sobs, 'Go away Juri-san! Leave me alone!' I prayed that she would. Then maybe she wouldn't be so high in opinion as I thought her to be.
'No... Shiori!'
She was perplexed as I would've been. The things she'd said just now were kind, there was no need for this type of reaction from me. I was upsetting her and I hated it. Juri-san, unlike me, should have the chance to be happy. I didn't. Not a vindictive person like myself.
'Please Juri-san! Just-!'
My words were cut off as she took me into her arms. This was curious. Juri-san and I, while we were younger we were both very close and hugged each other all the time and that sort of thing... Well, as the years passed, she'd only induldged me more and more, her kindness and favor toward me only grew but she was fidgety. If I touched her hand inavdertantly, if I gave her a congratulatory hug for a good match, she'd blush and stammer. I always thought then, that it was because she was uncomfortable with people. Maybe I really was... No, I was. I was innocent then. I didn't see anything. So when she pulled me into her embrace; I was touched. She'd gotten over her misgivings to comfort me.
She guided my head to her shoulder and I continued to cry as she stroked my hair again.
'Shh Shiori... it's okay. Whatever it is, I'll help you with it okay? Just...don't cry.'
Why hadn't she left then? I had tried to give her the chance to leave, but she didn't go. I had tried to be the better one, to protect her from myself. My emotional mood swings, my deceitfulness. From my cruel innocence.
Some minutes later, my crying subsided, but I didn't move away from her; she didn't let go.
'Juri-san...,' my voice was raspy. 'Why...? Why are you so nice to me...?'
I wanted to understand her, dissect her mind and hear for myself why she treated such a miserable person like I so well. If she would've told me then that it was an act of sympathy I would've been happy. She'd have been truthful and I would've accepted it. But her hand paused as it glided through my hair; she laughed. She sounded younger than her age. Juri-san sounded carefree. I hadn't heard her laugh like that in such a long time. In fact, I don't think I've heard her laugh like that since that day I left...
But she laughed.
'Don't be silly Shiori,' she said hugging me closer before unlocking her arms and releasing me. I looked at her and she smiled, 'You're my best friend and I... care about you.'
Her focus went to the floor and her statement was so sad. I was going to ask what the matter was but she stood up and offered me a brilliant smile.
'You're tired,' she bent down and kissed my forehead. We both blushed and I laughed. Juri-san acting like a mother figure and flustered. It was cute.
'Get some rest,' she said going to the door, 'It's Class Pictures day tomorrow, we want to look our best right?'
'What about you Juri-san?,' I asked laying down on the bed. I was light-headed and my eyelids felt heavy.
'I'll be in in a minute, oh, and Shiori?'
'Hmm?'
'Thanks for the basket of food, that was sweet. We missed you but now I know why you didn't stick around... You shouldn't have troubled yourself if you were so tired.'
'It was nothing Juri-san.'
She shook her head as if she couldn't believe how wonderful I was. 'Goodnight.' She flicked off the light.
'Night.'
That night, we were truly as it was meant to be. Or should've been. Friends whose only concern was for the other. She was my most valued treasure. Her and her friendship. I wanted that feeling to stay with me forever.