I awoke early the next morning, feeling refreshed from a good nights sleep. I saw that the bed at the opposite side of the room still held a dormant figure. Juri-san hadn't beaten me to waking up. A first. I smiled and went to brush my teeth and shower.
Having finished both of these I got dressed in my familiar school uniform, adjusting that yellow striped red tie on my collar. I smiled at myself as I looked in the mirror and was satisfied when my reflection smiled prettily in return. She was kinda cute. No Juri-san but good enough. Who could compare to Juri-san after all?
She was still asleep and I plunked down on the side of the bed and poked her shoulder. In response she turned to her other side after mumbling something I didn't catch.
'Juri-san,' I said moving my lips to her ear, 'Wake up Juri-san, it's class pictures day. Wake up or you'll be late.'
Her green eyes opened slowly at first but then she saw me and at once she was fully alert, I think it was because I was so close to her. I laughed.
'Gomen, Juri-san,' I said hiding my smile behind my hand, 'I didn't think you'd hear me otherwise.' I fought fits of giggles. I really had been in such a good mood that morning.
'What time is it?'
I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. 'Seven fifteen Juri-san, why don't you get ready and I'll make us some toasts with jam. It'll be a quick breakfast.'
Juri-san nodded her approval and stepped off the bed wearing a simple white nightgown. It looked really nice on her. Her body was developing faster than mine, but that was okay. That morning I didn't envy her beauty. I appreciated it and was happy that I'd been fortunate to see it develop along the years.
She got herself ready and I went through with my end. Toasts and jam. Not much really, but it was enough for the two of us. We bit into the toasts, lightly burn with that sweet strawberry jam on them. I thought it good, but too sweet. Juri-san said she liked it.
The breakfast finished we walked to school, chattering about school projects we had due. The school was alive that morning. Students ran to and fro, the trees were bidding goodbye to their leaves. Autumn. But I didn't see it as death, but more as a regeneration. It wouldn't be long before they'd resurface fresher and more full of life. Leaves of every color imaginable drifted from the trees, carried on the back of that gentle wind that weaved through the world.
A leaf that struck me as a deep red sunset color fell into my hair. I didn't notice until Juri-san lifted it out and twirled it by its stem in front of my face.
'Pretty, isn't it?,' she spun it some more before tucking it behind my ear. I reached for it but she grabbed my hand. 'It'll fall out. It looks nice, leave it. You know what you remind me of now?'
I shook my head no, carefully. I wanted to leave the new ornament in its place.
'Have you ever read those old storybooks that deal with magical beings and spiritis?'
'I think I may have,' I said putting a finger to my lips in thought.
Juri-san was distracted for a second before she continued. 'You look like one of the fairies or maidens...,' she said to me, ' They wore simple but elaborate dresses, with crowns made of leaves and flowers.'
I didn't quite understand the description, so I asked, 'Were they pretty?'
Her lips hooked upward, a smidgen. 'Of course they were, Shiori.'
The answer made me smile in return. The walk to school continued, somehow we'd gotten to talking about the photo arrangement. Would it be done by class, by last name or by height? We came to the conclusion that by any of these categories we would not be together. We were both disappointed.
'We can cut the picture apart and paste it so we're standing side by side!,' I suggested.
Juri-san laughed. She used to laughed often and easily so many years ago. My actions only a few hours later would break that behavior. While we talked, a girl came to Juri-san, asking something about the fencing club. Would Juri-san go with her. Juri-san agreed and apologized to me; she told me she'd catch me at the class picture, or more accurately, straight afterward.
I waved as she went off hurriedly and began the rest of the walk to school by myself. I saw a few acquaintances who smiled and wished me good morning. I smiled back and told them the same. I was only a few steps away from the entry of my class when I heard a name. Arisugawa-sempai. And another one, my own. Takatsuki. I didn't move. I was behind a huge pillar, obscured to the girls who spewed their venom like a pack of rattlesnakes. With no reserve or pity.
'I really admire Arisugawa-sempai, but I can never seem to talk to her, she's so quiet!'
I smiled at first. I had the honor of being the one she spoke freely with.
'Not really,' another voice chimed in, 'Haven't you seen her with that girl, you know, her friend!'
Her friend.
'Ta-Taka- Takatsuki!,' A third joined in. I wondered what kind of girls would have nothing better to do than to talk about myself and Juri-san but these thoughts died at the next comment.
'I don't see why,' I think it was the first girl, whose voice grated me to an unnatural extent. It reminded me of nails scraping across a chalkboard, only twice as bad. 'I don't see why she's so special.'
I sealed my breath. The ability to seep air into my lungs forgotten. The world which minutes ago I'd thought looked so vibrant was dulling. Shapes and colors losing their sharpness and vitality.
'I've never seen her friend with anyone else,' the second said it thoughtfully, it'd just occured to her, 'Doesn't she have any other friends?'
My face flushed red with embarassment. I did have 'him' as a friend too, but I couldn't tell them that and break into their conversation. Even if they were holding a trial on me and my character, I didn't want them to know I was listening. I wanted to see how the rest of the school viewed me. Even if they tore at my soul like ravenous wolves. I wanted to know. And besides, two friends? That wasn't much better than what they thought.
The third girl again. 'I don't think so, she usually keeps to herself.'
'That settles it,' the first said, 'Arisugawa-sempai must feel sorry for her.'
My heart sank, I knew my grip on my bag was loosening. Without much strength I kept it from hitting the floor.
'But why would Arisugawa-sempai waste her time on such an unworthy girl? It doesn't make sense.'
The voiced had melted into one, heavily distorted, each reverberated as one. I leaned back against that collosal sized collumn, slumping as they continued their attack on me. Someone they'd never even met and already hated. And praising Juri-san, someone they'd never spoken to but loved.
'That's how great Arisugawa-sempai is. The Takatsuki girl is like her charity work.'
'Not only is she the most beautiful girl on campus, she's so nurturing to the less fortunate.'
'And so talented, I hear they might make her co-captain of the fencing team and she hasn't even been there for long.'
'Maybe if Takatsuki is lucky some of Arisugawa-sempai's qualities and class will rub off on her!'
They laughed so hard then that I began to slump, wanting death to come and take me. I was already rotting on the inside. What good was the vessel? It was a temple that was dying, one that no one cared for.
The school bell must've rung because suddenly I was alone. No students roamed the halls and the three unseen executioners had disappeared as well; taking with them their hurtful (what I believed) truths and the little dignity I then believed myself to have.
I wiped the sweat from my brow and ran a finger at the corner of my eyelids. Gathering myself and taking some deep breaths I went to my class, arriving late. The teacher scolded me and the students just barely stifled their laughter. I passed my next two classes in a daze; the girls' comments spinning in my head like a deadly whirlpool threatening to suck me in and drown me in these thoughts. At that point I would've welcomed it, but I wasn't so fortunate. In between classes I didn't run into Juri-san. Before I knew it, my group was called for the class picture.
I went, moving like an automoton to the designated place, the steps of an old Ohtori building. The girls around me prepped themselves for the picture and I pushed my hand through my hair. It caught against something dry with a laminated feeling. I pulled it out and was surprised that the leaf had withstood so many obstacles today and remained securely in my hair. Juri-san's wish that it stay there perhaps. I crushed it in my hand before dumping it on the floor, tattered. I didn't need it or her pity. The photographer yelled for us to get in our positions. I skimmed the crowd and didn't see Juri-san so I went three steps up and to the left. The girls began to gather around me and still no Juri-san. But of all things, of all possibilities, he had come to stand next to me.
I had been glowering only a short while ago but I put up an act for him. Right then I hadn't wanted to answer any questions. Out of the corner of my eye, as he spoke about some fencing match that Juri-san had done well in, I saw her arrive. Through the group of girls she found me and smiled. I nodded and watched her get in place at the bottom right corner. The girls who surrounded her tried to start conversations, they leaned in to say things. My eyes narrowed in annoyance. I couldn't hear what was being said.
Everyone around me was speaking enthusiastically, everyone having some gossip to share, even the boys. I wanted to speak, for someone to listen to me. But I didn't have anything particularly interestesting to say. The week hadn't treated me kindly, it had set up every trap imaginable. Each full of lies and delusions made to rip my sense of security from me. And I had fallen into every one of them, wanting so badly to think of myself as the victim of everything. I stood naked without my blanket, I had nothing to lose. Because, I was nothing.
By now he'd quieted and I turned to him, raising myself up so I could whisper in his ear the words that I thought would hurt him and Juri-san most. Because they had felt it so easy to scheme against me, then they should be paid back in full. I covered my mouth and uttered those words.
'Did you know? Juri-san is in love with someone.'
A smile had entered that handsome face of his. If I'd left it at that he wouldn't have looked so serious in the picture. But I wouldn't. Today, I would be the winner.
'But... it isn't you...'
His face turned to stone and if I'd slapped him he wouldn't have been more disbelieving and shocked. He'd flinched at the words. I reveled in the power of that moment. Swam in it and absorbed it into me. That I could have that power over someone with mere words was like a powerful drug. And I'd just become addicted. The photographer yelled the countdown that I didn't hear. Three. I got back off my tippy toes. Two. I saw Juri-san at the bottom, her back turned to me. Away from my actions. One. I turned my head to the side to see him. He didn't look at me, he stared straight ahead. I heard a snap and the photo session was finished. I had the moment I had betrayed the only two friends I'd ever had captured on film. To remind me forever, not that I could ever forget.
The students dispersed and Juri-san came to the two of us. I couldn't look at her, I was sure she'd see what I'd done just then and lay her disapproval on me. I didn't want that. It sounds strange considering all that I've done, but always, it was her approval that I sought most of all. Real approval, not sympathy. Him and I stood uncomfortably before her unwavering gaze. And I sensed that she knew something was amiss. The three of us made small chit chat. Awkward. It was how I'd best describe it. Then we were told to get back to class. We all went much too gladly.
During the next few classes, I thought about what I'd done. Obsessed about it. A part of me, the part of me that Juri-san must've been drawn to, my former self, was saddened by the action. Deeply. The new me kinda felt bad about it. That past me was hidden away now, locked behind doors with unbreakable locks of despair that wouldn't release her. My dark twin took her place.
School let out and I wondered about what I should do. I hadn't met Juri-san for lunch. I didn't know how to act. I hadn't... What I had done earlier, it wasn't done to hurt her. I contradict myself, I know. But, I think it was more to show them , those who saw me as insignificant and powerless. Juri-san was the conveniant target. Instead of going after each one who'd ever doubted me, I lashed out at her, their worthy idol. Cut off the head and the body dies. If I could be seen as better than her, then I'd have won.
I wandered around campus. The brutal truth of what I'd done collided with me. It's consequences sunk in. I went to sit under a tree. The leaves fell around me, one familiar to the one from Juri landed in my lap. I looked at it for a long time and I felt ill. What had I done...? How could I have done that to the both of them?! Wasn't it only right that the two of them should be together since they were in love? I made up my mind. I would tell him I'd made it up, that I was only joking with him. Then I would tell Juri-san that she should be with him and forget my feelings. It was settled. I was going to stand when a hand touched lightly on my shoulder.
'Takatsuki.'
That voice. I loved how he said my name. The way he said it alone made me feel special. I looked up to be met with those dark green eyes of his. Thorn colored. I jumped at his touch, delayed reaction. I was again ready to stand when he took a seat next to me. My heart thudded in my chest and I shivered. I had to tell him. I would. I tried to find the wording to tell him about my lie but I idled too long. He spoke first.
'About what you said at the group picture. I-'
'I have to tell you something-,' I began. My voice rippled, tiny waves coursing through it smoothly. I was so scared that he would hate me once I told him.
'I know what it is.'
The shock on my face was easy to see. How could he have found out? His hand lay over mine in reassurance. I tried to speak again, I did manage to find myself. 'How...?' I wondered why he wasn't yelling.
'I talked to Juri. After the picture I couldn't stop thinking about what you'd told me. I was so angry at first, oh don't worry,' he'd seen me grown antsy, 'I didn't mention you.'
I sighed. I didn't want her to know. I would tell her in time. My eyes went from him to his hand on mine. Such strong, warm hands. I liked how they covered mine completely.
'Anyways, I asked her, if she was in love. Like you said she was, and she said yes. It was strange. When I asked she didn't look herself. It's like she was frail and scared. Kind of like the look you have sometimes.'
'Really?' I shuddered. How insulting. And I'd missed that statement on Juri-san. I was envious.
'Yes, so I asked her who it was she was in love with but she wouldn't tell me. That settles it then, don't you think?'
The way he phrased it implied that I should answer 'yes'. I wanted to run. The way she hadn't responded... spoke her feeling to him loud and clear. It was him that she was in love with. Now he was here to tell me about it.
'Yes,' I squeaked out at last. Already I pictured myself running to my room to cry. I'd just pushed them together in the end.
My eyes began to get misty, I was so angry at myself. Couldn't I ever do anything right?! He mistook my watery eyes for something else and pitied me.
'You know,' he said, 'I used to have a crush on you Takatsuki,' his smile made my knees weak. If I'd been standing I would've fallen. Maybe a shred of the feelings I'd previously held for him still remained. But his words were unbelievable. He used to have a crush on me? 'But, it didn't seem you cared for me in that way. So, I fell in love with Juri unknowingly. But she's in love with someone else.'
My self loathing only grew. I'd hidden my feelings for him and that's what had caused him to fall in love with her. I couldn't think. All I wanted to do was scream to him how wrong he was. Juri-san was in love with him! How he could've been so blind was incredible to me. He still held my hand.
'Aren't you going to say anything?,' he asked.
'I didn't know,' I was able to say, 'But Juri-s-' I was trying to tell him.
'Is in love with someone else. I-'
'No-' I did try.
'I just want... to hold your hand and forget about all that right now.'
His lower lip quaked, if I hadn't been watching him so intently I wouldn't have noticed. I had hurt him this much with my lie. I felt terrible. At the back of my mind, I tried to ignore that sense of power. I wouldn't think about that. But I wanted to comfort him. Linked with that was the thought that Juri-san was in love with him. I shouldn't offer him that type of solace. Not when my best friend was in love with him.
Spite reared its ugly head. Another thought occured. What she'd done by denying her love was another act of unmerited compassion towards me. I had made up my mind again. Especially when I saw her off in the distance. Coming towards us. He hadn't seen. I wondered if she could.
Shyly I leaned torward him, feeling a nervous anticipation so great I'm surprised I didn't have a stroke.
'Let me help you forget her...,' I said and I kissed him. My first kiss had an audience. He kissed me back, his eyes were closed. I opened mine and saw Juri-san stop, then turn to leave. I let my eyelids flutter shut and tried to enjoy the moment.
@}-,-'------
I went back to Juri-san's and my dorm room later. He and I had talked some more and he'd officially asked me out. I thought it was wonderful, but at the same time I knew what I was. Just a cheap replacement for Juri-san. He didn't want to come in to share the news with her. Even after some pleading he wouldn't do it. He said he felt guilty. Was I something to be ashamed of?
I went in alone and didn't see Juri-san at first glance. For a moment I feared she wasn't home, but I found her in our bedroom. She was lying on her stomach down at the foot of her bed, propped up on an elbow flipping through some fashion magazine. Her face was a mystery; I felt anxious again. The thought of telling her about the two of us left my mind. It was a bad idea, the timing was wrong and it would've been savage to tell her. I didn't feel so gutsy as I had earlier. I chickened out. I got all of this from her unreadable face. She had that much power over me.
I went to my bed and sat down, watching her. How long would it be until she asked about the kiss? My hands were clenched and I held them tightly to my lap. I wished I'd still had the leaf in my hair. I thought it might've meant something to her.
'Welcome home,' she said, a frown nudging her, 'I missed you at lunch.'
Her words were different than usual. As if she were reading them from a tele prompter for the first time. Mandatory things to be said. But she didn't look at me. Usually she greeted me with a warm smile when I arrived home. I still wanted that even though I'd kissed him becasue I'd seen her coming. To bring turmoil to her life like it ruled over mine. I was so spoiled.
'I'm sorry,' I said it lightly, although the truth was that its actual weight was crushing me, 'I lost track of time.'
'Hmm...,' she closed the magazine and sat on her bed to face me, her legs crossed Indian style. I wavered under her observing gaze. I felt she was like a Goddess, all mighty and able to see everything. To me, she was a Goddess. I liked it when she paid attention to me. But it made me nervous too, kind of like when a boy you like looks at you. I hoped she wasn't thinking of my faults. I had so many.
'What is it, Juri-san?' I asked to lure her away from whatever it was she was dwelling on.
'Shiori...'
I liked how she said my name too. It sounded like poetry from her. A haiku that wasn't, all for me. It was especially nice when she said it softly. Fortunately, this was how she said it most often.
'Yes?' I knew what was coming. She had seen. And Juri-san wasn't one to keep quiet about things.
'You know...,' she deliberated, 'That you can tell me anything... and I won't be angry.'
I'd lost my ability to speak again. Everytime I was faced with difficult questions or situations I'd become mute. I shook my head once for yes.
'Is there something you want to tell me?'
She knew me better (in some ways) than I knew myself. Telling her about it would've made me feel better in the long run. However, at that point back in my room with my friend; I wanted nothing more than what I'd done previously to disappear. The way she said it wasn't accusatory but consultational. To relieve me of my problems.
'No,' I said. With that tone I couldn't have convinced anyone that the sun was hot. 'There's nothing I have to tell you Juri-san.''
Her eyebrows lowered just a shade. I didn't see that either. I think she was upset that I wasn't being honest with her above anything else.
'...I can't believe you wouldn't share your good news with me, Shiori.'
And there were those other times that she said my name. I hated those. I could be moved to tears when her voice rang with disfavor. She sounded disappointed. I didn't understand her.
'You kissed him, didn't you? And you have such a crush on him.' Her smile didn't reach her eyes. I'd never told her about my crush on him. How did she know? I didn't pay attention to it for the time being. I had to concentrate on a lie.
'What are you talking about, Juri-san?,' I said trying to play it off, 'Do you think I wouldn't tell you about my first kiss?' I was trying to spare her feelings. It doesn't come off as honorable from me, seeing as I'd created the situation.
'Shiori, I saw you. It's okay... I'm-'
'I didn't kiss anyone!,' I yelled shrilly, at that pitch that has the power to break fine china. It worked; she shut up. I said it so convincingly too, that I almost believed it. Maybe I even did, I wanted to so badly. 'You saw someone else that looked like me, that's all.' I was struggling. I wasn't a good liar back then.
'...okay.'
I did a double take. She said it like I'd asked her about having a cup of tea. Okay. She probably didn't want to live through another one of my tantrums. Or maybe she knew how it bothered me and let it go. But, I think that in this case she accepted what I told her as fact. A good act by me, or just that it was me? I don't know. But I thought of the three options, that it was the first. Juri-san didn't want me to throw another fit.
She lay back on her bed, the subject dropped. I thought it was too good to be true. Her hand reached to her neck and she began to play with gold thread. I looked over intrigued. Wanting to ask, but feeling strange about screaming seconds earlier. After a few minutes I couldn't take the silence; I got up from my bed and I went to hers. I sat next to her, her fingers (long and graceful fingers) slowed their strumming of the necklace. I'd never seen it.
'Can I see, Juri-san?'
She didn't answer fast enough for me. I reached unto her school uniform; Juri-san nearly jumped out of her skin. I figured protectiveness of the necklace, but I pulled it out. A locket hidden beneath her shirt. It was a rose bud, made of gold.
'Kirei, Juri-san!,' I exclaimed trying to figure out how to open it, she pushed the button for me and it opened into nothing. No picture housed it. 'Where'd you get it Juri-san?' I figured some boy must've given it to her. I wished that I got presents like these from boys.
'It was a present from mom,' she said, 'It came in the mail today.'
'But this is the kind you put a picture in,' I said fascinated by the trinket. I kept popping it open and closing it back up. 'You have to put a picture in it.' I told myself to break up with him tomorrow. Somehow. 'Whose picture are you going to put in there?'
She was looking at the ceiling with a dreamy smile, her mind elsewhere. It was unsettling. I didn't like how it affected me. It was weird.
'...I don't know yet,' she returned to our world and locked eyes with me, 'I suppose the person I love. To keep them near my heart.'
Juri-san sounded like such a romantic, it's hard to believe that she became such a cold and guarded person later. Of course, I too was to blame for this.
'...do you love someone, Juri-san?' I coveted their position already. The one special enough to have a place in her heart. I figured that their qualities would be just opposite of mine. She wouldn't pity the person she loved, she'd look up to them.
'Yes.' She said. She did love someone.
'Who?'
'An impossible dream.'
She wouldn't say anything else. I thought that that was a funny way to put it. I'd never use those words to describe my soon to be ex-boyfriend.