I didn't break up with him. No matter how badly I wanted out of the relationship; I held on to it. It was silly really. Because Juri-san didn't even find out until weeks later. I felt like trash the entire time. It would've been much easier if I'd just ended things with him. But I couldn't. He was the only thing I had. My only edge over Juri-san. I had the affections of the one she loved. I know it sounds pitiful, but I clung on to that feeling he shared for me. It made me feel worthwhile. It was the only reason I stayed with him for so long. I pretended to return his feelings but everything felt like a chore.
Dates, holding hands, kissing him. I didn't give him much attention during any of these. I instead checked to see if the spotlight was on us. To see if they knew what a handsome guy I had snagged. When we started to date, I noticed that we started to drift further away until the gap was oceans. We had nothing but Juri-san and since he had admitted to being in love with her the subject was now taboo. I was nice to him. I had told him I wanted to help him forget her. What had I been thinking? How could I help him forget her when she never left my mind?
Our outings for so long had to be done in secret. But everywhere we went, she followed. Not her in person, but things that reminded us of her. Persecuted by her in our guilt riddled minds. Partly because we didn't want to tell her that our trio had become a duo. So, when we saw a flash of red hair, she was there. When we heard the name Juri, or one that sounded like it, our hearts would stop. We'd look around wildly. But she was never there. Except in our minds.
We still did some of the things we all used to do as a group together, just not as often. And it was something that had become expected. Not something to do and have fun with. Those ocassions I began to look at with dread. It got worse when he actually started to have feelings for me. Not more than what he felt for Juri-san, of course, but strong ones none the less.
At fencing practice he'd watch me and smile, looking past Juri-san to see me. I couldn't help but to look back but it was painful. Looking him in the eyes hurt. I felt next to nothing for him.
Our class pictures came in and Juri-san and I looked at them doubtfully. The three of us looked terrible. He had looked so stern, I'd had my face turned to the side. I hated that. Juri-san could probably see through it. To be looking at him during such an important picture... And her. Holding her hands with her eyes closed while I filled his head with lies.
Unseeing as I weaved my spells, shutting out that part of me. Not wanting to see. We joked about how bad the picture had come out. Even so I framed mine and put it on my nightstand. Juri-san hid hers somewhere. I don't know what she did with it. After the day we'd received them and looked at them together; I hadn't seen it since. I didn't ask. It wasn't a big deal to me.
Then came that day. He was tired of hiding, of meeting me in secret, of having to restrict the way he looked at me because Juri-san was around. We were in the fencing room. I worried because I knew about what he probably wanted to do, and I wasn't ready to confess. I tinkered with an orange rose he'd given me. He'd found out they were my favorite and had gotten hold of one even though they weren't in season. I liked that he'd gone through the trouble for me. But he wanted to tell Juri-san, and I didn't. We were in a heated debate when Juri-san entered. We zipped our mouths quickly as she approached and took a seat on that chair where the lower being always sat. I took some satisfaction that she was the one on it for once and not me.
'What did you want to talk to me about?,' she asked first looking at him then trying to look back to see me.
His face got that serious look again and I knew that he was going to say something despite everything I'd told him.
'Before we do that,' I jumped in, 'You have to close your eyes.'
'Shiori?' He didn't know what I was doing.
'What's this about?,' she asked skeptically.
'Just...,' I placed my hands over her eyes, 'Close your eyes, and you'll see...'
What a peculiar phrase that. Close your eyes and you'll see. If she would've done just that, and thought about everything. She would've known everything. So easily...
'I have no choice now do I?,' she said with some cheer.
I wished that God would strike me dead then. But I would've rather died than to have him tell her. I mouthed for him to lean over. He lipped 'what for?' back to me. We had a silent conversation while Juri-san sat there unaware.
'Can I open my eyes yet?'
'Not yet, Juri-san,' I said holding my hands tighter. I didn't want to take any chances. I told him to lean over again. He was so close to Juri-san, he had to put a hand on my shoulder for support. Otherwise he would've crashed into her. I doubt either of them would've minded. As soon as he'd done as I asked I kissed him. My shame and enjoyment doubled. It wasn't that he was a good kisser (although he certainly wasn't a bad one) it was the fact that we were doing this right in front of her and she had no clue. That she could remove my hands at anytime and see. It was so exciting. But I hated myself for doing it. It was so sick. I pulled away from him and promised him that I'd tell Juri-san that night, but to please not say anything. I prayed that I'd said it quietly enough so that she wouldn't hear. Solemnly he nodded yes and I sighed in relief. I removed my hands from Juri-san's eyes and plucked that flame colored rose from my breast pocket and gave it to her. I was still standing behind her so I had to reach around to do it.. It was an embrace of sorts. Impulsively, I wrapped my other arm around her neck and rested my chin on her shoulder. Her hair smelled like sunshine. I liked how it felt having my arms around her. She was so warm. And safe.
'What's this...?,' she said looking at the rose. Her body had tensed since I held her. He gazed at me with something unreadable. I didn't like it.
'For you...,' I didn't even think of how long it'd taken for him to find that, only for me to give it to her. He would've rather given it to Juri-san anyway. It was with its rightful owner. 'For being my best friend...' I kissed her cheek, it's softness was an insult to silk. 'And for keeping your eyes closed....'
* * *
After my gift to Juri-san the three of us had gone walking around campus. It was actually fun. Like old times for a little while. But then her and I went home. Juri-san had forgotten that we'd call her to the fencing room for a reason. I was incredulous that she could forget but she had. I decided to tell her. I had to do it. I knew he wouldn't tolerate our silence any more. In some ways, he had more respect for her than I did. We'd been back in the dorm for about an hour and she had been fretting about where she could put that rose. You'd think it was a diamond the way she doted on it.
Growing frustrated she finally grabbed a tall glass and filled it with water before placing a rose gently into it. I wanted to grab it and rip it apart. I'd given it to her, it was a tainted rose that had no value. But I didn't. She was too happy with it and put the glass on our living room table. For everyone to see she said. Not that anyone usually frequented our room.
We were sitting at the table studying when I caught her looking at the flower.
'Do you like the rose, Juri-san?'
She nodded quickly. Her hair falling over her eyes. Back then she hadn't kept it in those tight curls. They hadn't been bound just like she was caught by me. 'It's beautiful, thank you.'
I blinked my eyes several times. I didn't want to be crying when I told her about it. It'd look like I was trying too hard. Besides, I was supposed to feel bad for her, not the other way around.
'Juri-san...?'
She smiled. Fate was conspiring against me to make this difficult. 'Yes, what?'
I tapped the pencil I used against my textbook. I avoided her eyes. 'Do you remember... a long time ago... when you said... that I could tell you about anything... and you wouldn't be angry?'
I had no idea how she reacted to that because I wasn't looking at her. It couldn't have been good though. That isn't the sort of thing you say to someone and have them expect good news. All you could do was close your eyes and hope it'd end quickly. After some moments of stillness she said 'Yes'.
'Is that still true... Juri-san?,' I dared a look at her and saw her unmoving form looking at me intently. It made me so nervous. With those green eyes of hers she could see into my very soul. And it was so dirty. I didn't want her to see. I didn't want to contaminate everything that was so pure about her.
'Yes...,' she sounded so unsure. It was a first for me. 'I... I could never be angry at you Shiori... you know that.'
I hadn't known that. The words meant to be comforting had an opposite effect. Whenever she treated me with generosity, after I'd done something I know I shouldn't have, I always reacted the same. Now it was guilt that devoured me like acid from the inside. I wanted to allow myself the discretion to cry, but I wouldn't. Because, if I did that and she walked away; I didn't know if I would be able to stop.
'I'm sorry...' I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to told the tears in. I was so weak it disgusted me.
'Shiori...?,' she didn't come to me. I was somewhat thankful. 'What's the matter? Just tell me what it is,' she put her hand on my arm, 'I promise I won't be mad...'
'I don't know how it happened,' I don't know why I said that. I knew perfectly well how it had happened. But I hadn't expected everything to snowball so out of control. I had only wanted to get Juri-san away from him. I hadn't wanted to take him away. But I know that I had enjoyed it... I liked the way my blood raced across my body, like I had just been born. Actually doing things instead of sitting and watching Juri-san do everything. I had seen something that she had wanted, and I had taken it.
'How what happened?,' she asked. And she was concerned. What an idiot..
'I never meant to! I lied to you that time Juri-san...,' I yanked my arm back from her. Not wanting any of her near me. I slammed my hands on the table and stood. I saw her draw back.
'What are you talking about...?'
'All those weeks ago, have you forgotten?,' I paced in front of the table, biting my nails, 'You were right... you didn't see anybody else Juri-san... it was me!'
I started to cry and I hoped that she didn't remember, I hoped so much that it hurt. But she did something curious then. Her hand went to her pendant. I don't think she'd noticed. My tears halted at once. I felt dead, incapable of emotion. The way she'd done that small action... So reactionary.
I suddenly knew where her school picture had gone. She'd put his picture in there. Juri-san remained quiet and all I could hear was my own breathing that sounded so powerless. I couldn't even wheeze with conviction. Juri-san wasn't sitting there crying about it. Her face was... burning. It was bright red and it displayed blighted hope. Crushing disappointment. I had destroyed that dream of her and him. I didn't like that feeling much.
'You...,' she swallowed, 'So, you did kiss him so long ago?'
And many other times since then, I thought but didn't say. My world was spinning. Why did she have to say it like that?! Why didn't she yell at me, or slap me? That's what I deserved! But she didn't do any of those and I don't think that she would ever lay a hand on me. Juri-san was the ideal friend, she had no enemies. Except me. It made sense. We were so close. I didn't want to be her enemy. I wanted to be as good a friend to her, as she was to me. But I wasn't capable of it. I don't think anybody was.
'Yes, I did,' I wanted to say that it'd never happened again but I didn't want to do that. Soon I wouldn't be able to seperate fact from fiction. A lie here, a lie there. It would take over my life. 'I'm so sorry, Juri-san! I- I!'
I ran to my room. A bad choice since she slept there too. I sobbed against my pillow. So typical of me. A while later, Juri-san came in. I heard her walk into the room. But she didn't sit on my bed and she didn't go to hers. I knew how many footsteps that would've taken, and she hadn't done it. I thought her to be somewhere near me. I kept my face pressed to my pillow, sniffling occasionally.
'Shiori.'
I didn't move. My eyes were red and I had a runny nose. I always became an emotional mess, but not her. I admired that. How I wanted to be strong like her.
'Shiori, look at me.'
'No,' I muttered. I was so humiliated. I thought she had to think of me as some kind of tramp.
'Shiori,' she sighed. I knew she was aggravated with me. 'I'm not angry, just... I'm not going to talk to the back of your head.'
I turned on to my back but kept my arm over my eyes. I didn't want her to see me in this state. She nudged me lightly to scoot over and I did; she lay next to me.
'You're so emotional Shiori,' she said in a joking manner. I felt like a butterfly being pinned. Juri-san had said it as a joke, but it still hurt me. I'm sensitive. 'All these weeks you've been tortured by all of this. I wish you'd told me.'
I didn't say anything.
'Because Shiori, the truth is that for a while now, I've been hearing rumors about the two of you. But I ignored them...'
I wanted to throw up. All this time hiding it for what?
'I thought. You two are my best friends... I thought you'd tell me. I told all those people that they were wrong. That you and him weren't going out... I told everyone. I feel a little foolish now...,' her laugh was forced.
'You're mad...'
'I'm not mad,' she said forcibly, 'I'm just... sad you didn't tell me. I thought we were better friends than that.'
That's why she was so sad? Did her feelings for him always get put on the back burner for me?
'I'm sorry Juri-san...'
'I know you are,' she said absently.
Did she? I didn't feel half as remoreseful just then. Was I this predictable thing that always apologized for everything she did, just because others didn't agree? Strong people didn't do that.
I turned over to my side to see her. That sad statement suited her so well. She reminded me of an epic poem. Juri-san was the kind that men fought wars for. A Helen of Troy. I thought of how many of those poems ended tragically and I smiled. Shock wiped it away seconds later. What kind of a despicable thought was that?!
I started to play with her hair, innocently. I had no idea how my actions could affect her. I had no clue. I really didn't. I twirled a strand of that golden like hair around my finger and then guided my hand to her shoulders and over unto her neck. Her skin was so smooth. But I think, that it was just as soft as mine. Strange... That such a perfect persons skin could be as soft as my own. It wasn't fair. To her.
'... what are you doing?' Another first, Juri-san bewildered.
Then my hand went into her shirt, and I could feel that erratic heartbeat...then she jerked back. She knew what I was doing. Because she ripped herself away from me. Stood so quickly that I could almost see her lying there.
'I just want to see whose picture-!' Even though I knew full well whose was in there. Why did I torture her so? Why did I do those things...?
'NO!,' she yelled. It was the first time she'd raised her voice to me. I felt like I'd been stabbed. She marched away to the bathroom and I heard the door slam shut. After a few seconds wondering about it, I followed her. Water was running. I could hear it. I knocked on the door.
'Juri-san...?'
She didn't answer. I thought I heard weeping, but I wasn't sure. It's like when you want something so badly you imagine it to be there.
* * *
Some time after that night... No. Wait, before that. After the evening in which I confessed to her; everything was so strange. I did feel better in having told her but everything was so heavy. Our dorm room which before was spacious seemed crowded. Juri-san filled it, just like she filled my world. No matter how I wanted to outrun it, I couldn't. She was my all.
I saw her everywhere. Juri-san treated me no differently than before, but I didn't know how to behave. No matter how much she tried to hide it, I knew what was beneath that kind smile. Hatred, directed at me. With every passing day she grew more popular in the school, and ocasionally she went up to the high school level for fencing classes. I didn't go. I felt like such a hypocrite. Would she really believe that I was there for her benefit, or would she think I was there to steal something else?
In time, Juri-san with her constant flawlessness began to gnaw at my entire being with her sugary behavior towards me. She was a good thing that I'd had too much of and soon it was unbearable. Why couldn't she just express her hatred towards me...? It's all I wanted... her hatred... but she wouldn't even grant me this. No, that would've been too kind.
A few weeks passed. Living with Juri-san was something that caused me to question myself. Why was I here? What was my worth? And would I even be missed if I was gone? The more I thought about the whys and hows of everything, the worse it got.
I had to leave Ohtori. Every day, every hour, minute and second I became more anxious. I couldn't keep still. Sleep didn't come to me; I tossed and turned. I'd stay up until only an hour or two before school would start. I was worn out. My thoughts gave me no peace. I imagined sealing them up in a jar, then burying them after which they'd be consumed my magma deep in the earth. Never to bother me again. I had an overactive imagination. I didn't tell Juri-san about it. Even though she knew something was going on and asked about it. How could I tell her anything? It's not like she actually cared. And how was I to tell her that the root of all my problems was her?
One day while I lay in my bed in a daze, wondering why I didn't just end my miserable existence and stop being a burden to everyone; or at least stop tormenting myself with the accursed thoughts and go out and do something... get a social life. I should have tried at least. But the phone rang. I let it ring countless times. I didn't care about who it was. Juri-san wasn't in the house and nobody ever called me except her or him. I didn't want to talk to either of them and I was tired of playing receptionist for Juri-san. But it wouldn't stop ringing.
Irritation gave me the energy to get up and stalk to the phone. I lifted up the receiver for the sole purpose of slammming it down when a voice stopped me. It was my mother. Even I wasn't so disrespectful to hang up on her. I always looked to her calls with trepidation. She only called to complain most of the time. Why had I been looking at my boyfriend in the picture instead of paying attention, why didn't I call more often, why weren't my grades high enough, why couldn't I be more like Juri-san.
This time I got out of it. Mother was excited for once when she called. As it turned out she'd been offered a job. A great opportunity she said, but that it would move her a hundred something miles north. My heart sprang like a jack in the box. This was it. My escape! I was going to tell her how happy I was for her when she said that I shouldn't worry about leaving Ohtori and Juri-san. I wouldn't have to move. I told her that it was alright, that I would move. I wouldn't mind transferring to a new school, but she ignored me. Even my own mother didn't want me around.
Earlier I'd been peeling an apple at the table before I'd quit. Too much effort and I couldn't even find the strength. I'd taken a bite out of it, and that was all. Then I'd laid the knife down next to the plate and gone to my bed until the phone had rung. I sat down and commenced the cutting of the fruit. I wasn't hungry; it was just something to do. To relax. Each time mother said something I didn't agree with, I sliced the apple. At first they'd been precise cuttings along the skin of the apple, but as the conversation went on; I found myself more tense than mellowed. With a growl I brought the apple down unto the place fiercely with that sleek black handled knife sticking out of one half. The other looked more like apple sauce. I wondered if Juri-san might want some, then frowned. Mother had again mentioned my not going.
I made another desperate plea to my mother, to please let me go with her. I would do anything, I wouldn't get in any trouble, I'd raise my grades to A's, anything she could possibly want. I would become Juri-san while I was away from her... She gave in. I was going to be leaving Ohtori.
Juri-san came home minutes later and I couldn't wait to share the news with her. I took her hands and led her around the room in a clumsy waltz before she stopped me and asked why the reason for my happiness was; after so many weeks going about like a zombie. I told her. She didn't believe me at first, because she laughed and asked the real reason. I repeated it for her and the way her face paled. I knew she believed me. She went to sit on the floor next to the table. The rose had died but she'd left it in there. She said it was beautiful even in its wilted state. That she loved it even if it still wasn't what it used to be. I wanted to throw it away. But now she looked at it curiously. Was she realizing that it really was an unimportant thing that should be discarded?
I wanted to take her attention away from it, so I asked her if she was happy for me. She said she was. I didn't believe her. It must've wounded her that I was so thrilled at the chance to leave Ohtori and her behind. I was happy that she was upset. It meant she cared for me after all. I sound like such a cold hearted person. But I cared for Juri-san. Still do. I never stopped. Even though it might seem otherwise. At times that isn't enough though. The way that things were we would kill one another with our own perceptions of kindness.
Besides, with me gone, she was free to be with him. I was rid of the one who'd come between us and this way Juri-san and I couldn't keep hurting each other. The refuge from pain made it easy to forget how sad I really was about leaving. But things didn't work out like I had planned. They never do. I should've known better.
A few days later I told him the news. I pretended to be saddened by the whole state of events. But when I told him, his face lit up. I was devestated. It was okay for me to be happy about leaving but for him to be happy too...? Didn't he care for me at all? Or was that just an act? Were all those sweet nothings he'd spoken so softly into my ears, just that? Nothing? I almost started to cry. But then he went on. He grabbed me and held me to him. Before he hadn't know how to tell me, but now it was so easy; he was so relieved. His father was in the company that my mother was in. He'd gotten one of the positions too and he had to relocate as well. We would be attending the new school together. We wouldn't have to break up. My eyes dampened. Why did this have to be happening to me? There was no way I could back out of it. I would have to leave Ohtori, leaving my best friend behind for nothing. He would just be a painful reminder of how I'd stabbed her in the back. He saw I was teary eyed and asked what the matter was. I told him I was just so happy about how everything had turned out. How easily the lies came to me now. I despised that part of myself. I swore that I would never lie to her again. And him. He wasn't nearly as important to me as she was. The guilt didn't accost me when I lied to him. Our whole relationship was a fabrication anyway.
The day before I left I didn't go to class. Neither did Juri-san. She'd never skipped a day in her life. We spent the entire day packing my things and getting my suitcase ready. Every item that I put away seemed like it was taking me a step further from Juri-san. I was no longer sure that's what I wanted. My insides had the sensation of being tied in knots, of trying to turn themselves inside out. It doesn't make sense, but it's how I felt.
I would be leaving Juri-san the next day. What would I do without her by my side? Would I make any friends? Would I become just another face in the crowd if she didn't stand next to me? I had snapped my suitcase shut, and with that small click came that understanding. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave Juri-san.
These sudden turn of events I didn't want to think about. I occupied the rest of my day talking to Juri-san about everything. Childhood memories. Our entire timeline. It was a good friendship we had, really. At one point she suggested inviting him to our good-bye party. I declined. In a gentle way. I didn't want to scream how much I abhored this idea. I told her I wanted this day only for the two of us. I was selfish, I didn't want to share her with anyone, especially him. The way her eyes lit up and she smiled when I told her this... I averted my gaze and blushed. It was strange.
Fortunately, everyting after that was ordinary. We talked some more, and cooked dinner. I burned the rice, the bottom came out a light brown color. It was hard and I thought it was gross. The smoke had ruined the rest of the rice too. I didn't want to eat it. Juri-san said a lot of people liked it that way. I wonder if that's true. But she forced it down her throat. Again that thought of not going came to me. I pushed it away.
That night we went to bed. Her in her white silk or satin nightgown and me in my maroon colored pajama pants and long sleeved shirt. Juri-san flicked the light off and I watched for as long as I could as she stood there. Looking like a model but all I could see was Juri-san. The girl who had spit gum in my hair, who always defended me from bullies. My Juri-san. It was the last time I'd be able to see her like that. The last night that we would be roomates. I wanted to make time slow its course. I didn't want the night to end. She told me to sleep well, and I told her goodnight. I couldn't sleep. I heard the ticking of the alarm clock that marked the time until my departure. If I could have broken it and stopped time, I would've. Hours passed but I didn't move. I just wanted to sleep but I was too tired to. I couldn't take the silence anymore.
'Juri-san?,' I wasn't expecting an answer.
'Shiori... why are you still awake?'
She sounded more alert than I felt. Had she been up the entire time? I asked her.
'I couldn't sleep,' she said. I strained to see her in the dark.
'Why?'
A stupid question. Maybe for the same reason I couldn't. It could've been that a part of me wanted to spend every second possible with Juri-san and it wouldn't let me rest.
'... I don't know,' she yawned. 'I am tired.'
I began to tug at my blanket and pulled my legs closer to me. It was cold. She must've seen me struggling. Or maybe she just knew. Juri-san had a habit of reading my mind at times. It only re-inforced my belief that she was an omni-potent being.
'Are you cold?,' she asked, 'You can have one of my blankets.'
Juri-san had two blankets and I had three. I knew because I made the beds every morning. I was considerably more covered up than she was. And in warmer material. And she offered me her blanket. She was being nice to me again. I was never satisfied. If she was nice to me, it was out of pity. If she wasn't (I'd never known the feeling) then she hated me. I at last knew she cared though. Good or bad feelings, she cared. It was all I ever wanted. For somebody to care about me.
'Juri-san...?'
'Hmm?'
I looked around the room. As if she could actually see me. I had a request, and it was so trivial really. But I wanted to ask. If she was still mad at me she wouldn't agree to it. My voice came out so quietly that I had to repeat myself so she could hear it. I hadn't even heard myself the first time. 'Is it okay if...can I go to your bed...?'
The silence strangled me. I couldn't breath. She didn't say anything. So quiet... I couldn't even hear soft breathing. The sound of the alarm was so defeaning, and usually it was hard to hear. I wanted to run from the room. I'd gotten my answer.
'... that's fine.'
That's fine. The way she'd said it wasn't very convincing; and why had it taken her so long to answer? Was it really that hard of a decision to make? I figured she didn't want me anywhere near her. Why should I further bother her? I would've asked if she was sure but I didn't want her to change her mind. It was cold. It was my last night here. I just wanted to feel close to her. I left my bed and crept into hers. It felt strange to me, and I imagine it must've felt the same to her; it'd been years since I'd done that.