But she let me move into the inside, leaving her with the edge of the bed. It was so warm, as if it were heated off of her goodness. Was it the bed that was warm, or her? I didn't know. I still don't. I was already falling into slumber.
'Are you comfortable?' The beds were so small; there was barely any room to move. 'Do you want me to take your bed?'
The beds were so small; I felt so tired already. Otherwise I would've rushed out. Knowing that she really didn't want me by her side. 'No,' I yawned and hugged her arm to me, 'I mean... I'm comfortable but don't move. Stay here...' I didn't know if it was an appeal of sorts. But the purpose of my coming to her bed was that she was there. What was the point otherwise?
Her arm, I don't know if I imagined it, but it seemed it pulled away. I knew that she wasn't facing me. She was looking at my bed. Wanting to get away from me so badly. I wouldn't let her. Unless she physically tore herself away from me. But then her small struggle ceased. She didn't necessarily lean into me, but she no longer tried to move.
'...okay....'
There it was again. The words that mollified me in a tone that made me panicky. I was grateful anyway. There was something nagging at the back of my mind and I searched for it so I could tell her. While her and I lay there I thought about it. My head and thoughts felt foggy and my eyelids kept closing and opening seconds later with a flash. I didn't want to fall asleep any longer. I wanted to tell her something... and there was something I needed to ask. I pondered for a few more moments and then it came to me.
'Juri-san,' I laid my head against her shoulder, it would serve as my pillow for the rest of the night. 'Thanks for the leaf.'
'What leaf?,' she asked trying to accomodate her right arm that was hanging off the bed. She placed it behind her head.
'The leaf, when we took our class pictures.'
'Oh...,' she laughed. 'You're welcome.'
I snuggled closer to her and didn't even notice how uncomfortable she was. I was such an idiot. 'Will you miss me when I'm gone... Juri-san?' I regretted asking the question straight away. What if she said no? What would I do then?
'Of course I'll miss you Shiori,' she said tilting her head to look at me as best she could in the dark. I imagined her to be staring into my eyes. It was the sort of thing she did a lot back then. Not like now where it stings her to even look at me. 'I'm... going to be sad without you here.'
Her answer pleased and calmed me so much that I fell asleep seconds later. I didn't hear her ask if I'd miss her. If I had I would've replied. I had promised myself to tell her nothing but the truth. I would've admitted that no matter how awkward it may have sounded.
* * *
I woke up late on my last day. Juri-san told me she hadn't wanted to wake me. She was tardy for school too. We rushed into our uniforms and were at the door when I thought of something. The rose that had previously inhabited our table for so long was gone. I was saddened. I gave the empty table one more look and left with Juri-san. The conversation was non existant. I walked next to her and studied her. I'd been doing it a lot lately. After all these years I knew every detail of her face, for example there was a tiny mark on her forehead. You'd have to look really closely to see it. It was to the left, and usually hidden beneath her hair, but it had happened when we'd been chasing each other in a game of tag and she fell. It'd given her a scar that had never gone away. I thought it added to her. Her skin glowed with health none the less. And there was usually a smile curving her lips. I wanted to get her a present. A parting gift.
We got to the place at Ohtori where we went our seperate ways for classes. She told me to meet her at the fencing room before I left. I agreed and as soon as she was out of my sight I raced in the opposite direction to town. I had to hide from the police who knew if I were to be out in town at this hour I had to be skipping class. I window shopped. What should I get Juri-san? An article of clothing? A shirt, a dress... ?No, she got much nicer items from modeling. A scarf to keep her from getting cold? The winter was coming... A book, a cd. I didn't know what she could want, she never asked for anything and she had it all. I checked my pockets. I only had five hundred yen. I couldn't buy much with that. I kicked the sidewak. What in the world could I get her with this? Aggravation plagued me. I should've gotten her something earlier. I needed to be more thoughtful of things...
I walked the nearly deserted streets of the town back to Ohtori. How the time had flown. I'd been in town for two hours and still nothing. I'd be leaving Ohtori in another two. I flicked my eyes to the clock tower but my eyes were caught by a flash of orange. I focused in on it. A flower shop. As if in a trance I walked over to it and saw what had caught my attention. It was the biggest and most beautiful tiger lily colored rose I'd ever seen. Designed by Hephaestus for the Gods. Fit for a Goddess. For Juri-san. It was in a small purple vase. I walked in and bought it. I explained the situation to the store owner and he gave it to me for five hundred yen. The tower outside gonged. It was time to get back. Running, I headed back to the school and to my dorm room. I felt sick. My heart was jumping and my palms were sweating. I was feverish and at the same time freezing. A case of the nerves. My brown plain suitcase lay on my bed and I picked it up, taking one last look around the room. Sketches I'd done of birds hung on the walls as well as pictures of Juri-san from magazines. I took one down carefully and folded it, sticking it in my pocket. The room was going to be so empty... I looked at the nightstand to check the time and saw our class picture. I'd almost forgotten it. Snatching it up I opened my suitcase and slid it in. Time was running from me so quickly and I was lagging so far behind, desperate to catch up and not let it get away from me.
Several minutes later I arrived at the fencing room. I laid my suitcase quietly by the door and went to watch Juri-san. She was sparring with someone. So graceful... like a leopard. She was deep in the match and hadn't taken note of me. I sat at the chair, not thinking or caring of what it meant to be sitting there. I just wanted to watch Juri-san. There was a small table next to the chair on that day, I'd never seen it, but I put the rose in its small vase on it and oversaw the match.
I felt like crying. How could I have taken all of this for granted? The small details. How the foils rang when they clashed, the shoes squeaking against the floor... all of these I would miss. Especially her. That fencer in her element. She touched her foil on her opponent and congratulated them for a good match. What a liar. I'd seen many much better than that one just now. Or had she improved so much in the time I'd stopped watching her matches? I clapped.
'Congratulations Juri-san,' I said.
She removed her mask and shook her hair. So dramatic. I had the urge to grow my hair out again. Even if I couldn't stand her at times I'd do anything to be her. 'Thanks, you made it,' she smiled.
I nodded and there was a silence. Then she crossed over to stand by my side. She hadn't seen the rose. Her hand came down unto my hair and she ruffled it slightly. I met it with mixed reactions. It was an affectionate gesture but it made me feel like a kid.
'Who's going to cheer me on at my matches now?,' she asked rhetorically.
'Everyone,' I said not thinking about it, 'Everyone always does Juri-san.'
'No, they don't.'
Modest. She was so modest. I had felt so powerful when I had taken him from her. And she who was so accomplished wasn't arrogant, she never gloated. Or could it be that she was unaware of how great she was? It couldn't be. 'Yes,' I swallowed. I wanted some water. When I drank it, it helped me keep my composure. It directed my attention from crying. 'They do.'
'But they don't matter!,' Juri said cheerily and darted in front of me with a rapier. She'd gotten it a while ago. Her pride and joy. I hadn't even seen it next to mychair. I was so distracted. Enthusiastically she swiped at the air, 'I wish you would've taken up fencing, we could've spent more time together.'
I wanted to say that I regretted not doing it but instead I replied with a lame: 'Maybe someday.'
'Do you think so?' She was so hopeful.
I nodded.
We talked a while more. An hour and ten minutes more, then my moms chauffer came in. He said ten minutes. Juri-san and I looked at each other. Our laughter stopped. It was time to say good-bye to her. As I thought 'I don't want to go', Juri-san said: 'Shiori...'
I didn't know what to say. I looked up sharply, those words waking me from my wishful state, and into one that was almost better. I don't know if I imagined it. The longing in her voice, her shimmery eyes. She didn't want me to go. I wanted for that to be it. But she didn't say it. If she had... then maybe I would have stayed. Swallowed my pride and just thought about her for once, as she always put me first. But she didn't say it.
'I have to.'
I didn't have to do any such thing. But I was stubborn, and so worried about others opinions. My mother would think me cowardly and wishy washy if I didn't go. A daughter to be ashamed of. Especially after I pleaded so much with her to go. And I know I wanted any reason to stay. To not go to that new school alone into the unknown. But I had to. I was like a scavenger that fed off of Juri-san. Was I so scared of being alone, of not being able to live a normal life without her? What a brittle person I was! I had to go. I had to. I couldn't stay; I had to tell myself I was strong. To prove that I was.
'But...'
And Juri-san looked like she would cry at any second. I didn't want her to cry. I wanted her to remain strong. To not waste her tears on such a pathetic person. I grabbed the rose from the vase and walked to Juri-san, offering it to her. My gift. Juri-san stood there and took it hesitently.
'...' I saw a tear escape her eye but made myself smile.
'Don't,' I said wiping it away with my fingers, 'Just... don't.' The words weren't an admonition, but I did not want her to cry. I forced my smile a while longer. 'Not for me.'
She sucked in her breath, an effort to calm herself and I watched her, wishing I had that kind of strength inside. I took some of it into me. It kept me from crying. Juri-san sobered, and I stood there, so close to her. The fragrance of fresh strawberries rose from her hair. It was that shampoo I had bought a few days prior. I hadn't had a chance to try it but she had. It was nice. I don't know how long we stood there. So many times my world had seemed to stop and this was one of them. Inches. That was what seperated us, that and what seperated God and Lucifer. Objectives. I thought of what I had done again. How gross.
I tipped my head to the side, looking up at her. Juri-san had always been a little taller than me. Closer to Heaven than I. Pure and beautiful. Light. Her hair shone under the faint lights in the dojo and I reached out to it with caution. It was such beautiful hair, strands of Midas blessed hair with that glow of coral. I took a piece of it in my hands and twirled it around my finger. She trembled with reserve. I let go of it and it fell gracefully back against her neck.
'I should go now...,' I whispered. Any louder and everything would've shattered around me. It was as if the moment was unreal. A fantasy. One that I didn't want to let go of.
'Why...?' Her ghost breath reiterated mine. Her eyes were a darker shade than usual and for a moment I didn't answer as I examined my reflection in those windows. I looked better in her eyes than when I saw myself in my own.
'Why what?' She had to know why I had to go. It was such an oddly placed question.
The room was pressurized. I felt my heart being squeezed by her words, grateful for even having the ability to question what she said. I couldn't breath again. Why did she affect me like this?
'Why would my tears be wasted...?' Childlike curiosity. Like children who asked why it was the world spun, why the sun rose, why the moon changed sizes.
'Because...,' I couldn't look at her. I looked at her hand that held the rose at her side. 'I don't... Nobody is special enough for you to shed tears for them. Especially me...'
'Shiori...?'
'I have to leave,' I said before I broke down and confessed everything to her. Not now. I couldn't tell her now. Not when she was like this... I hugged her impulsively. She stumbled back and her hands after some moments circled around me. I didn't want to leave it. Her arms felt safter than a bomb shelter would've. I would choose her if ever such a ridiculous situation would arise. I knew she wouldn't let anything happen to me. I didn't even care that she pitied me then. I pulled away from her as speedily as I would've run in front of a train. It was the longest embrace I'd ever been in, and the two of us didn't say anything. That is until I broke it.
'Goodbye Juri-san,' I stepped back and offered her a shaky smile. 'I'll write you.'
Juri-san's head bowed. In sadness? Acknowledgement? But I turned away from it and took my suitcase. Walked out that door, to leave Ohtori behind for years. What a fool I was. To think that just because I'd left the school I could leave her behind. Juri-san would never let me escape. Her memory would haunt me for years.