Dear Juri-san,
It's taken me more than a month but I'm finally getting this letter out to you. How are things at Ohtori? The same as usual? Has anybody asked about me? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being rude. Here I am asking about Ohtori and its students and I haven't asked about you. How are you Juri-san? I hope you're doing well, I'm sure you are. Still beating all the fencers at the dojo I bet!
Are you doing okay without me? What am I saying, of course you are. I only ask because I've lost count of how many times I had to wake you up because you'd ignored the alarm and woke up late. Do you remember, Juri-san?
That among other things is what I miss most. Silly things that you take for granted. Cramming for tests, and me burning dinner. I can't believe how often you ate something I considered inedible. I don't know if I ever told you Juri-san, but it meant so much to me. Thank you.
Over here things are okay. The school is decent, but it's no Ohtori Academy. Its fencing team pales to Ohtori's most ordinary and there's no one that I've seen that could last even two seconds against you. In the beginning I watched the fencing sessions, but now I don't even bother. Instead I think about your matches. My memories of you with that rapier in hand as you charged your opponent with a vicious grace... I always thought it such a beautiful thing. I wish I could go back and see at least one more of your matches. If I could have any wish granted right now, that one would be it.
I've made some friends, and they're nice. I often feel out of place with them though. It sounds strange, but besides you I've never had a girlfriend. You were the only one I really needed... but now. Away from you, it all feels foreign and I'm not sure about how to interact with them. It's a feeling that will pass, I know; but right now it's all I can think of. No. That's not true. One thing I think most of is you and I in the morning. Stomping our feet for the toaster to hurry up because we were late for class. Grabbing the toasts as they sprung in mid air, burning our hands as we ran out the door and tried to eat at the same time. Then ... always and foremost, there's you, Juri-san. Of everything, of everyone, I miss you the most. My best friend, the one with whom I trust my very life with. This letters gotten long. I will let you go. Please take care and I eagerly await your letter.
Always~ Shiori
Dear Juri-san,
You wrote me back so quickly and it's taken me so long to reply. I'm glad that things are well with you and from what you say, nothing has changed by my leaving Ohtori behind. I think it makes me happy. I wouldn't want to miss out on anything fun and exciting.
So... it looks like what I heard on class photos day was true. Rumors are circling about making you captain of the fencing team. I'm impressed but can't claim surprise. What's unexpected is that it took this long for it to get back around to you. Before very long I think you'll be captain, and what a person to lead the team. They'll be very lucky, you'll guide them to success, because if there's anyone who exemplifies the word, it's you, Juri-san. Ohtori's always been like that. Only the best prosper there. I guess it's no surprise that I'm gone.
I thought... I thought that when I moved here, I'd have more of an opportunity to shine. I haven't been doing badly, but a reason for the delay has been my studies. School seems so difficult and it doesn't make sense because it's easier than Ohtori. The difference is that over there I had you as my tutor. Over here, I don't.
Mom's always yelling at me to try harder, and I don't know in how many ways I can tell her that I'm doing my best. She doesn't believe it. Comprehension seems out of her league. Then she throws this promise I made to her before I started attending school in an entirely different environment in my face. We're always fighting and now her words just wash over me like rain in a rainforest... I can't even come up with good analogies, can I? What I mean is that I'm so used to it, they no longer have any affect on me.
However, I do study really hard. I don't want to get left behind and I know you wouldn't want me to stop trying. I'm sorry... I don't mean to dump all my problems on you. It's so much easier through letters I find; to speak freely with you. I think it's because I don't have to look you in the eyes. Did you ever know, Juri-san, that with a look you could change my mood and the whole world about me? Your words too. They carried so much weight with me, did you ever know? I can tell you all of this now, like I couldn't before, because it's not like you can shush me up and wave away these things. I don't think it likely that you would skip it either.
I sound so serious, don't I? On to brighter things then! There is a high point in my life amidst all the mess. My school drama club is doing a production of Snow White. My friend convinced me to try out for it. At first I was reluctant. I don't have much experience with acting and that sort of thing but now I'm really excited about it. The try outs in a week, so I should probably go and read my lines. Wish me luck, won't you? I still miss you but I think that I'm growing accustomed to the seperation. It doesn't make it easier. Hope to hear back, but if not, I understand. You're always so busy...
Always~ Shiori
Dear Juri-san,
I think it's silly that you should apologize for taking a while longer than usual to write back to me. There's no need. Thank you for your encouraging words about Snow White, but I didn't get the part. Not the one I wanted anyway. I do get to be one of the seven dwarves. Isn't it laughable? It's not a very big role; I dress up like a miner and sing and dance around the perfect Snow White. It will be something I'm suited to I think. Even if it wasn't, it wouldn't matter. Mom says since I wasted all that time trying to remember the lines for try outs that I could've used for studying; I have to do the play.
I didn't know that you had an interest in drama. You do everything don't you, Juri-san? Sleeping Beauty. It sounds so magical. You get to be Briar Rose. I read some of the more light hearted versions of the fairy tale and I think that the role is perfect for you. The beautiful princess who has no idea how precious she truly is. Awakened by the prince's kiss of true love. How romantic. I think the boys will be fighting duels just to be the lucky one to set their lips on your own. Don't be nervous about the kiss Juri-san! I think you'll enjoy whichever handsome boys kiss you receive. I swear Juri-san, if I didn't have my own prince I'd be really jealous of you.
Speaking of which, I don't know why I forget to mention him in my letters. We're not having any problems, really. We're happy... I think I don't speak about him to you because... well, really there are so many reasons but one of the big ones is that he doesn't cross my mind at the time. Doesn't make sense does it? I'm just so focused on adressing what you've told me and what's going on over here that I forget. I will tell him that you say 'hi' and miss sparring with him. I'll tell him that his teammates say the same. I'm sure he'll be pleased.
Moving on. My classes. They're a bit better but not much, don't worry. I won't give up. It's good because I have lots of free time now. Not getting the lead in Snow White (I didn't even want it anyway) helps a lot. Besides, my mother doesn't let me see my new found friends/acquaintances all that often since my schoolwork is still 'lacking'. Her words Juri-san.
Sometimes I think of all the things I've ever heard you say to me. Hopeful words for me and whatever situation I may be in and I wonder why I ever chose to come here. Why...? I... I don't know how to get my feelings across on a sheet of paper. But sometimes... all of the time since I've been here I feel such an emptiness that nothing can fill. An infinite sadness so grand that I'm not sure if it's caused by you and your kindness or can be filled only by you and your warmth.
Why am I telling you this? How can all of this be fixed? I know that... This headache only gets worse. I think I'll go to bed and maybe I'll feel more normal in the morning.
Always~ Shiori
Dear Juri-san,
I just received your letter and I'm already writing back, what a surprise. Actually mom just came in a second ago to make sure I was studying and I had a textbook in front of me just so that she'd leave. I don't feel like studying, I think if I read another dull fact about the World War my head's going to explode.
You think I've been saying strange things in my letters? To tell you the truth Juri-san, sometimes I write a lot to you without thinking or restraining myself. I hope I've written nothing too embarassing!!!
You pointed out things that I don't even remember telling you. I don't know how to clearly define what I meant. I almost wish you'd forget because I think sometimes I even sounded bitter Juri-san, and I'm not. Don't even give a seconds thought to a lot of what I wrote. And yes, my headache did get better, I can't believe you remembered.
Don't stop telling me your good news Juri-san. Where did you ever get the idea that I don't want to hear about them? I love hearing your stories, it makes me feel that nothing has changed by my leaving Ohtori. Nothing at all...
Yes, my mom sounds like a dictator at times doesn't she? It would be nice if you could come tutor me, or I could return to Ohtori but that isn't very likely. You shouldn't worry about me, though it's nice of you. I can take care of myself, although sometimes it seems like I'm the only one who thinks that. You and him and mother always baby me, treating me like I'm some child. I hate it. Do all of you really think me so pitiful? Don't adress that in the next letter, I already know what you're going to say. 'No, of course not Shiori.' No. Of course not. I wish I could hear you say it Juri-san. You know, I called you the other day. You weren't there.
I did get the machine. 'This is Juri's dorm, not here but leave a message and I'll get back to you.' Your voice was so smooth and happy. Imbeud with confidence. I did a message on our machine but mom changed it. I kept stammering. Funny, isn't it?
Even in something so.. trivial... Hmm. How are things with you, Juri-san? You never really say. You just tell me about the social life and of course you miss me. There's more. There has to be. Whose picture is in your locket Juri-san? Won't you ever tell me? Don't you even trust me enough to tell me that? I trust you whole heartedly but it doesn't look like you feel the same way about me. The thought that the one I admire the most could hold me with so little regard makes me sick. But of course, that isn't true either is it, Juri-san?
Always~ Shiori
Dear Juri-san,
I can only say I'm sorry to what I said in my most recent letter to you. I ... I can't believe I sent that. It was horrible of me to think such terrible thoughts about you wasn't it? I know you could never really think so badly of me. Yes, I know you love me. I love you too Juri-san. You do know that, don't you? Best friends should love one another and watch out for the others well being.
I just... I hate it Juri-san. You always have so many great things to tell me and all I have is the same old problems. My letters must be such a bore to you. No matter what you say, I know you must get tired of reading them. Isn't it sad that letters from a best friend can become tedious? However, that's never true of your letters to me.
Congratulations on being made captain of the fencing team. I'm so happy for you. All those hours of your life wasted in the dojo were all for some good after all. It's also nice that the members of the fencing team had some say in it. The fact that you were selected means that you must be well liked. If I were ever that skilled I'd be in trouble if it came down to the members. I've never been popular.
It's too bad that this Ruka guy had to get sick for you to get the position. He's away from you now. How do you feel about that? You spoke highly of him in your letter. That's rare. He's been around for a while but your last letter is the only time you mentioned him. I hope he gets better. Then the fencing team could have two wonderful people leading them.
Congratulations on being made Dance Queen. That always goes to the most liked girl, doesn't it? I'd never even make the ballot for that thing. Oh, I can't believe... let me get some napkins or tissues... there. The ink is all smeared but I think I've cleaned away the... mess as best as I could. You should still be able to read it. Sorry about that. I didn't even realize I was doing it. Isn't it pathetic? You're my best friend and you have so much to show for your life and I've got nothing.
I'm so jealous of you Juri-san. I shouldn't tell you that because it will make you feel awkward, but I'm going to be selfish now. It really isn't any different than I've ever been. Didn't you ever realize, Juri-san? What a disgusting human being I was? No. I don't think so. Otherwise you'd never have treated me so well.
Everytime you've ever gotten something, I wished I'd gotten it instead. Every accomplishment you've had, I've hated you a bit more for getting it. You asked if it bothered me in other letters and I said no. I made a vow a long time ago that I'd never lie to you. I haven't, except for that. I only lied for you, Juri-san.
I tried. I've tried so hard to be a good person. To be worthy of your affection toward me but I can't do it. I'm not... able to. It's another thing that you have that I don't. Did you know Juri-san, that at one point back at Ohtori I'd sit in bed in the dark and try to scheme up ways to bring myself up to your standing? To not be so far beneath you? Isn't it gross?
Sometimes in the night I'd go kneel at the side of your bed, and for minutes adjust my vision to the dark, just to see you sleep. You really were a sleeping beauty and I'd marvel at how you could have chosen me as a best friend. My fingers would stroke your hair, and I was always so afraid you'd wake up and see. If there was another thing I didn't need it was for you to think I was weird. I had so many conflicting thoughts while I held your hair in my trembling fingers. I liked how long and soft it was, and I was glad it'd gotten that way. Then I'd think about how different life could've been if you'd been the first one to lean into that trash can so many years ago in moms bathroom. Would you be the one with the shoulder length hair now and with those cascading tendrils? Would our lives be dramatically different? It sounds absurd, doesn't it? I really loved my long hair, I hated it short. Then you told me it suited me fine so I left it. You'd know best of everyone, wouldn't you? I'd think if you'd done it on purpose. I thought that maybe if my hair was long and flowing, I'd be more beautiful, feminine and popular. I even thought that you'd done it to keep competition away.
I was such an idiot. No matter the hairstyle I'd never be able to come close to you at anything. And I knew that such a devious thought would never cross your mind. No, because that would've almost been nice. I always had to be the bad one. I didn't have to be, I didn't have to try. I just was.
And that's why... that's why... Juri-san, are you still reading this? I hope so. I'm not finished yet. Remember our class picture? What did you do with yours? I never saw it after we got them. I framed mine as you know. It's up on my desk now. I'm looking at it. I always look at it. For hours at a time sometimes. I see you, him, and I. That day was the end of us. The trio that used to have so much fun. Did you ever suspect that it was all my doing? I know you didn't because you probably think I don't have it in me. Nobody thinks that I do.
So... so... Why did I do it Juri-san? I know why and still I don't see how I could betray my two best friends in such a manner. No, no lies. I did see. Juri-san... you never knew and so often you tried to understand me. I liked that you cared and at times it's what kept my jealousy from flourishing into full blown hatred. It's weird Juri-san, because it sounds strange that I could love someone so much and at the same time want to destroy them. Though I didn't really want to destroy you. I just wanted to upstage you. I know that I'm the bad one here, that you're the perfect one, as usual. I don't know how to justify my actions... I can only try to describe how I felt Juri-san. While we grew up you were always the best friend, my protector but it was... hard for me. I was always the weak one, you the strong one. I felt bad that it could never be the other way around and as we got older... I became a tag along. Did you ever notice that I just watched you participate, persevere and win everything you went for? You always asked me to join but why should I? It would've been just another way for you to surpass me. ... I wanted... there to be... I didn't want there to be so many things because I knew I'd resent you the more for it. But how could you help it, and how could I tell you? I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to hurt your feelings and make it seem like you'd done something wrong, because you hadn't.
So, one day... Juri-san. I'd woken up so happy that day. Remember our class picture day? I'd been so happy... I loved the leaf you'd given me and plucked in my hair so tenderly. And the story you told me... I felt so special. That day I didn't care that you were better than me, because I knew it was true. That there was nothing you or I could change about it. Then you left, that girl had called you for something...so. I was going to class and overheard these girls talking. They loved you so much Juri-san. But you'd never even spoken to them. Their praise torward you was so warranted and then they began to speak about me. They hated me Juri-san, and they said you felt sorry for me and that was the only reason you were friends with me. I'd always known that it was true, but I didn't know other people did. It made me feel like I was less than dirt. It wan't your fault and I should've talked to you about it but I was so angry then I was shaking. The leaf that I thanked you for the night before I left when I was in your bed... I crushed it in my fingers and discarded it. Like it was a bug, like it was your hold over me. If it were only that easy. Do you know that you're the most influential person in my life? The one that drives me to destroy myself? Why? And in another way you just make me try harder. You make me the best and worst person and I can't decide if I love or hate you for that.
But I know what your feelings are coming to. I wish you'd have told me who was in your locket Juri-san, it'd make me think you trusted me with that knowledge. But that's okay because I already know. I know you loved him. That you still do. I didn't mention him in the letters because I didn't want to wave it in your face. Sometimes he comes over to my room and we sit on the bed talking and I see him watching that picture of us. Looking at you. I know it was you he always loved. One time he even told me. And I know... even though he doesn't say it, that it's you he thinks of most, Juri-san. Even so... I couldn't help but steal him from you. Even though I'm no match for you at anything, at least my feeling for him is. So. I don't regret stealing him from you... because that's what I hoped for from my heart. ... Believe in miracles, Juri-san. Believe in miracles so that your wish may come true.
It's not much of a consolation but I truly believe in miracles. It was them that allowed my feeling to overcome yours and take him. I'm sorry that I had it in me to do such a back handed thing, but I'm not sorry I took him from you. Because, Juri-san, it's the only time I've ever felt superior to you. The one time in fifteen years... to take something that you wanted... I actually felt good for a small period of time. And that's why I did it... Believe in miracles Juri-san and perhaps one day he'll return to you. I know that you must hate me for being like this... but I can't help it. I wish I could be better than this, but I'm not. This is me. Forever bound to be in your shadow... I would never be able to reach that light, to stand in it. To be with you. So when I couldn't fight it anymore, I just surrendered myself to it. And it was hard, but at the same time, it was so much easier....
Shiori
I don't know what I had been expecting. An answer maybe. After I sent that letter, I'd go to the mailbox with a nervous anticipation. My hand shaking as I pulled open that small metal gateway to that awaited reply. I sent my written confession in April. I checked the mail while the sky rained down on me. Watched from my window for the postman to come only to run out seconds later to see. I went to it when the sun spit its fire and my hand retracted from the heated metal. I still continued to go faithfully to the mailbox when I had to wear gloves and the snow fell silently ominous.
Seasons had passed. I thought that maybe she hadn't gotten my letter. But that didn't make sense. She would've written me again. Then, my mind dwelled on the possibility that hers had been the one lost. One night, I sat at my desk alone with the moonlight streaming into my room. The light falling across the picture. I stared at it, thinking of what I'd told her. Then everything was clear. As I gazed at that picture of Juri-san with her eyes closed. She'd never be writing. She'd never look at me. I hurled that picture at the wall and it made a loud noise. The glass covering the memory cracked at the same time as my heart... I breathed unevenly as it fell to the floor with a thud and with frightened wide eyes and wobbly feet I went to it. Everything seemed in slow motion as I sunk to my knees and delicately pulled the picture out of the frame. Neither him or she looked at me. Even my tears felt cold.