***
The next day I awoke bright and early. I had to get a head start on things. I no longer knew Juri-san's schedule or where she was rooming so I had to improvise. I would have to search her out. It would be no easy task considering the vast size of the student population but I was determined to do it. After preparing myself I left the confines of my room. I was out and about earlier than most everybody which I shouldn't have done considering Juri-san had always been one to sleep in. I didn't see her. It only enforced my conviction. I had to find her. I couldn't let her go around hating me. I had to tell her that I was no longer with him. It'd make her feel better.
For the first fourty-five minutes I had no luck and then at the last second before the class bell rung I saw her walk into a building. By herself. Wearing... what was that? A student council uniform? She looked like a general... I wanted her school uniform back but if wishing meant getting your desires the whole world would be a much happier place. And then she was gone. I knew where to find her.
I went to my first class. Choir. I was assigned to the alto section and practiced singing a new song with the rest of the class. I kept my voice quiet but was all too happy that this wasn't going to be a particularly difficult class. I excused myself early, insisting I felt sick and went to stand outside the building Juri-san had entered. I stayed in the shadow of an overpass nearby. It took her a while. For a frightening length of time I feared I'd missed her, but then, I saw her exit the building. She didn't walk my way so I called out to her.
'Juri-san!'
She stopped in her tracks and slowly, so slowly she turned her body to see me. It would have been a lot quicker if she thought it was somebody else. She knew it was me. I took the moment to quickly walk to her, my bag banging against my legs as I ran.
'There's something I want to tell you.' I said and this person who was looking at me was not Juri-san. Not my Juri-san. She was a ghost. I lowered my head and looked at an ant weaving its way through the cement floor. I wanted her to say something. I couldn't believe it as I saw Juri's black shoes turns and begin to walk away. Again! Walking away from me twice! Couldn't she say anything to me? Wouldn't she say anything to me?! My head snapped back up.
'Wait!,' I said moving forward, 'Please, Juri-san! Please!'
Already I was nearly crying. How in the world was I going to get through this? Maybe my words, so plainly desperate stopped her. But she did stop. I walked to her side and she continued to walk on to whatever destination she had in store for us. I assumed we were going somplace to talk. She paid me as much heed as she would her shadow. Not once did she look at me as we walked to another building. The classes would be getting out soon. I studied her. She was so different. Her face was cut like a diamond. Gorgeous but with hard edges. It appeared as if she'd worn nothing but a frown for months. How could this be my Juri-san? She hadn't said a word to me. Why wouldn't she look at me? Was that too much to ask for? For her to set her eyes on me like she used to. I wanted her to say my name like she did in the past. At last after a silence I found so unimaginable to speak of we reached the top of the structure. Pushing open two glass doors Juri-san and I took in the view. It was so magnificent, to see Ohtori from above, on such clear blue sky day. Juri-san went to the concrete railing not bothering to give me the decency to say what I had to say to her to her face. Again I got her back.
'You have five minutes, I have things to do.' She said flatly, but no, it was rough like sandpaper. This wasn't the velvet voice I was accustomed to. How long had she been like this? And what had she done to her hair?! It was nice but it wasn't Juri-san! It was so... defensive.
'I- I just wanted to say,' I stammered out quickly in case she was keeping count,' That- I'm... That I-' That I'm sorry. That I hate everything that I did to you. To us. But I couldn't say that. 'I eventually broke up with him,' I said looking at my shoes now. 'But it doesn't erase the fact that I forcibly stole him away from you.'
She said nothing. I thought that she had to know that I thought of myself as a horrible person and that was an apology in itself. Didn't she know that? But, I couldn't bring myself to actually say those two words. I'm sorry. Because, if I did and she left me there, I would be crushed. I would fling myself off the tower. So, I apologized to Juri-san in cryptic ways. She had to have known.
'It's not something that can be forgiven, is it?,' I asked facing her and hoping she'd be watching me. But she wasn't. That answered my question. No. It wasn't something that could be forgiven. 'Still, I wish we could go back to those days.'
Juri-san didn't even move. Was she listening to me at all? I went to the railing and put my hand on it just like she had hers. Her hand was still so graceful. It was the only thing I could see that hadn't really changed. I didn't know how it was possible that she was so different when I was still basically the same for the most part.
'When I got back,' I said to fill the lull provided by Juri-san, 'I felt that every place in the academy was full of memories.' This was so very true. But I felt like a stranger telling her all of this. Was this how all those who approached her felt like? What a terrible feeling... 'We had such happy times, you, he and I. The three of us.'
Didn't she see that at all? Would she wipe years of friendship away so easily because of one stupid mistake I'd made? No... Juri-san was a forgiving type of person. Not the kind to hold a grudge. This couldn't be happening... Why wouldn't she say anything?! I was going to tell her how much I missed it all, but she beat me to it. To speaking. And I couldn't believe the words that came flying out of her mouth.
'Was that all you wanted to tell me?'
...Huh? I was open mouthed again. Not like this. All I wanted to tell her...? What more was there to say?! I couldn't speak, I was so abacked by her cruel words.
'Then I'll be leaving now.'
Expertly she turned around leaving me to look at her curls as she walked to the door. If she'd slapped me it wouldn't have hurt as much as this did. I gasped and then something shot past me. Past Juri-san. A bird. Black and white with a small orange orange beak slammed into the glass door. It had probably thought there was nothing in its way and kept going. It made a squeak that I equated must be pain in bird. It flapped its wing before plummeting to the floor with a soft thud. Its wings moved uselessly. I stared at it in shock... the poor bird... Juri-san glanced at it but her statement wasn't any different. When Juri-san and I were children we would have been in tears now. What had I turned her into? Was this my doing?
'I'll tell you just one thing,' she said with her hand on the door still not looking at me. Her voice was a bit above freezing now. It was a slight, improvement. 'I never had any feelings for him.'
The blood in my body stopped circulating. No. No! That couldn't be true... could it?! 'That's-' I managed. That's not true, I meant to say. I raised my hand as if I could stop her from saying things. Things that if true would...
'No,' she said as if she wanted to rub it in, 'I was never in love with him.' I got to see her profile for a brief second, so serious, no hint of a smile. Of a joke. Of a lie. 'So, there's nothing for you to fret over.'
I couldn't believe it. The horror of my confession sunk in. I had told her everything for nothing! I couldn't look at her. 'Then,' I began, 'Whose picture is in your pendant?' I was demanding it from her even though she owed me nothing. Even though by her telling me this, it was a harsh release from a sense of guilt. I wanted to know who it was that commanded Juri-san's heart. And I knew she was wearing it. She had to be. 'You have it hidden under your clothes even now!' I said loudly. But that was all she would give me. A seconds pause and she walked away from me. Again. I wouldn't see her leave me, so I focused my attention on the little bird on the floor. It wasn't moving.
'Oh no...,' I said my statement grim. I set my bookbag aside and delicately picked up the small bird. It startled me when it moved it's wing. It was alive... 'Poor little bird...,' I said sitting against the wall with it, 'Poor Kotori... I know how you feel...'
The birds on and off flapping in my hands in its strive to get back in the air was one of the most depressing sites I'd ever seen. 'I wish it could have been different... but sometimes we fly blind... or we think we're taking the right course and then... reality and life send you crashing to the ground.'
It made a chirping sound that didn't sound happy at all. 'I tried, Kotori,' the name wasn't particularly inventive, little bird, Kotori. But I felt it should have one. 'But she's so different... she's nothing like the girl I knew and it's all my fault.'
It pecked at my hand and gently I set it down on the floor. It beat its wings frantically and tilted, my eyes got misty. 'Sometimes, you do things that are such horrible mistakes that you can't undo them. Like you, Kotori.' I took it back into my hands and held it to my chest. 'Poor little bird,' I sad my voice breaking.
Kotori was quiet. I pulled it back and examined it. It wasn't moving. I shook it lightly. 'Kotori?' I felt for the tiny beat of his heart but I didn't find it. I began to whimper, not being able to battle the tears any longer. And I clamped a hand over my mouth. Otherwise I would scream forever.
***
A while later, I got up from the cold floor and dusted the dirt fromt my legs and skirt. I picked up Kotori's body that was already getting stiff and took it with me. I figured I should bury it somewhere. Even though it was an animal I hadn't know, and something that hadn't had time to nest itself in my heart, its little bird death had affected me greatly. It should have the proper respect and be buried. Perhaps I was emotional on that day.
Classes were already in session so I had the whole campus to myself. I went under the kissing tree and with a stick I found nearby, I digged an appropriate tiny grave for Kotori. I felt sad that i had died and after saying a small prayer for it to be reincarnated or some such thing, I began to make my way back to my dorm room. The whole day had been more or less wasted and I felt cried out.
As I neared my room, the door swung open. I stopped. Was there someone in my room? A trio of laughing girls caught my attention and I glanced at them. Oh. Even now I knew who they were. The Juri-san friends who'd said she felt nothing but pity for me. I'd always wanted her hatred for things I'd done because I thought it'd help alleviate the shame. But now I knew better. Sympathy or loathing, they both hurt just the same. I didn't want to look at them so I cautiously walked to my door and peeked inside. The window had gotten open again. But I could have sworn I'd latched it. And my room had been locked.
'That's odd,' I stepped into the room and went to the window, 'I wonder if somebody could have gotten in.' I didn't think the wind was blowing fiercely enough to unlock my door. I heard a clank and noticed my small vase with orange roses had been knocked over. Water was spilling all over my desk.
'Sheesh...,' I said rushing over and picking it up. As soon as the vase with the roses was lifted, I saw a gleaming. My heart jumped to my throught and my soon goes down to cover the new object. I feared it was an illusion. After letting my hand linger over its coldness and slick surface, I lifted it up.
'This is Juri-san's-'
My heart was racing. It couldn't be. No. How had it gotten there? I sat down on the desk chair and for a minute held it close to me like I had the now dead bird. This was a part of Juri-san and I had it. But- Had she discarded it? But who would bring it? Not her certainly.
My thoughts were whirling like a twister in my head. I shouldn't look at it. That would be an invasion of privacy. But she had throw it away, hadn't she?! It must mean- but what if she'd lost it and it was brought to me instead because they didn't know where she dormed? But did anyone but me know that she wore that thing? In any case, it would give me an excuse to see Juri-san again. I'd just take a look at it, whoever was in the locket, maybe I could help Juri-san and him get together. Who wouldn't want to be with Juri-san? Yes. It wouldn't hurt to look. Who was it that resided in Juri-san's heart? I snapped it open and felt a trickle of water trace down my hand as I looked inside. I had been smiling at finally knowing who governed over her but the smile froze. And gradually, it disappeared entirely. I didn't understand what I was seeing. Was this some kind of sick joke?! I didn't even know I'd dropped it until I heard a clatter on the floor. I was shaking. It was a mistake, it had to be a mistake because Juri-san- Me... She wasn't- She wasn't like that... Was she? I was cold, I slammed the window shut. Could it be true..? If it was, it explained where her picture had gone and why she'd always been so controllive about it... I wasn't thinking straight. I - I- . I needed to take a walk. I picked up the locket, and as if moved by some unknown source I left my room.