I walked the campus in a quick pace taking no notice of anything. My thoughts were hunting me and nothing, absolutely nothing made sense. The situation was too impossible. Juri-san... why was my picture in her locket? I walked and walked and oddly enough arrived at a place called Nemuro Memorial Hall. I'd never seen it before but I'd heard girls discussing it. A place to talk about your troubles, headed by the handsome senior Mikage Souji.
I don't know what possessed me to walk in, but I did. The place was abandoned and dark. There were a file of chairs, each had a sign with a hand indicating to go further ahead. There was a form. It said, 'If you are to be interviewed, please fill out the form and wait.' Courtesy of Nemuro Memorial Hall. I thought it made no sense considering there was no one to hand it to, but I picked up a pen from the counter and filled out the information that was needed. Name and age. I moved a sign from a chair and tried not to think about anything. I would discuss it with a counseler. With this, Mikage.
I didn't wait very long. I was called. My name wasn't spoken, it was just a feeling. Someone was calling me forth. An elevator dinged and the yellow doors slid open. I stepped in and they closed silently. There was a chair in the small elevator which I thought to be strange. But I sat down. There was a pinned butterfly in a frame. I often think I've dreamt all of this up because the object changed though out my consultation without anybody touching it. The chair was positioned in front of a mirror. It was like being in a confessional at church. Imagined someone behind it.
'H- Hello?,' I asekd wandering whom I was supposed to speak to, 'I'm supposed to speak with Mikage-san...' My voice splintered into pieces, why on Earth had I gone there? I was never one to speak about my problems with anyone.
'Ah, yes, Takatsuki-san,' he said. I liked his voice. It was like a warm blanket on a cold day. Comforting. Like someone you could confide in and trust your secrets with. His voice was like Juri-san's former one. I felt I could trust him with my dilemma. 'I'm here to help, please begin.'
There was a loud noise. Machinery and I felt the elevator was moving but how could it be possible? Sessions weren't composed like this, were they?
'Juri-san's been my best friend through out my life,' I began slowly, unsure of how to talk without seeing the person whom I was speaking with. 'But now she hates me. And come to think of it, I've hated Juri-san since childhood.'
This wasn't right but a part of me was welling up with... pent up hatred. With all the failures in our relationship, my mind was swelling with memories of her being superior to me. I felt rage and envy ignited, much more fierce than anything I'd experienced before.
'She's talented, beautiful and loved by everyone.' I had none of these traits and I felt myself disliking her more and more for having them. Why did she get to be chosen to have everything? Why couldn't it have been me? Why was it my life was such a sad affair? 'I was jealous of her because of that.' I thought briefly that Mikage-san must have known who Juri-san was, because everybody did. But it didn't stop me from talking. I wanted to cover that tomb like hum of the elevator with my venomous words.
'That's it,' I said my head bowed, my hair falling over my face, 'I loved him because I wanted to steal something dear to her.' A repuslive admission but one I said unabashedly. 'That was all,' I lowered my head more, maybe my body wasn't in accordance with my words. How humiliating to say all of this. 'So... so...'
'Deeper...,' his soothing voice spoke, 'Go deeper.'
'That's not it,' I said raising my head and looking at my pitiful reflection. 'Juri-san was so kind to me,' I said, my hands folded in my lap, my statement turning melancholic. Hatred, love, sadness. They're all so close to each other. I felt depressed. That wasn't it at all. Jealousy I could handle. But the truth of the matter was not her achievements. It was how she looked at me. How my own best friend saw me! 'But I thought she was kind to me because she looked down on me, and that she had pity on me for being plain and useless!' I said, 'That's pathetic!'
It was. I was plain and stupid and useless and unpopular, untalented! We were both idiots! Her for keeping someone like me around and me for believing her friendship could have ever been real. Yes. Yes, that's why I'd done it. I'd wanted to prove her wrong. I'd wanted to hurt her.
'So, I wanted to change my relationship with Juri-san,' I rattled on, 'But what I did with him made me more miserable than before. I should have wanted it for myself!'
I should have. Wanted it for me. Not to show off, not to hurt Juri-san, but for me. For... why had I done it? So much wasted time, so much grief for nought in a relationship I'd started because I'd stupidly assumed Juri-san was in love with him. So much suffering, so many tears.
'But now...,' I shook with excitement, the adrenaline pumping into me like delicious poison. My smile was very grand and earnest. 'Now I'm on equal terms with her. No. I've won!,' I held the locket so tight it was cutting into my skin, 'I always had a place in Juri-san's heart.'
I had been wrong. I had been so naive! No! I wasn't pathetic and plain and useless! If Juri-san, the most admired of all could love me, then I wasn't any of those things. Juri-san loved me, Juri-san loves me, the sing songy words taunted her in my mind. 'I'm the winner,' I said cheerily and in triumph. _I_ was the one who had the most influence over her. I popped the locket open and there was still water in there, it ran over my hands. But it felt nice. It was so cold. Ice... Just like me.
My shoulders moved up and down as fits of giggles racked my body. How ironic! The prince in love with the frog! I couldn't contain myself and I clasped my hand shut, holding the locket, never wanting to release it.
'What shall I do? I'm so delighted to know my friends secret, I almost can't bear it!' My hands went to the side of my face as if nuzzling my new favorite toy. I'd never let it go, my prized possession, the key that made me better than her. 'She suffered alone, looking at my picture in secret.'
I hadn't been the only one in agony, I hadn't been the only one suffering. I wasn't alone in thinking about my best friend to the point of obsession, because, she did too! My smile was deliciously sweet. 'That was Juri-san? Poor thing!'
My eyes widened and I came out of the fantasy world. The entire truth of it sunk in. I was hit hard and fast and I stood up as if a bolt had hit me, the stool fell over as I flung the cursed perverse object away. 'No! No! It's still no good!'
Juri-san... she'd... How could I not have known?! I felt the betrayal tear through me. Had I not been a best friend?! What about everything we'd done- What had it been?! False friendship?! Lies?! Is _that_ why she kept me around?!
'How could you look at me like that?!,' My mind was filled with the hugs and hand holding and the last night before I'd left... What had I been?! Some mere fantasy object?! How could she look at me like that?!
"Why?!,' I yelled pressing myself against the elevator walls, wanting to get out, to get away from the object with her affections, 'Why did it all have to turn out this way?!'
The elevator fell so many floors, speedily before crashing at the bottom. I must have imagined all of this. How could I survive that without a scratch? When I opened my eyes I was crumpled on the floor surrounded by eery blue light. Mikage stood over me. He looked like a corpse with the light shining on him.
'I understand,' he said kindly, 'I suppose you have no choice but to revolutionize the world. The way before you has been prepared.'
I looked at him uncomprehending, but stood and followed him into a dark room. It looked like a morgue. 'Where am I?'
'On your way,' he said not facing me, a panel in the wall he faced slid open and the overwhelming stench of burnt skin nearly gagged me. I stepped back, I wanted to leave the place then and there but I bumped into somebody. Frantically I turned to see who it was, but I couldn't... Mikage was walking torward me with something in his hand and the person behind me grabbed me, their arm around my shoulders.
'I'm sorry, Shiori-san,' it said. Alarm signals went off at the back of my mind and I struggled to get loose but whoever it was had surprising strength. Something happened and then .... I must have passed out.
***
I don't remember everything. It was all so fuzzy, like after a dream. I stood up, I don't know where, except that it was dark and I left. There was a small notecard in my hand and I passed by a locker in the Ohtori halls and I opened it and taped it up. I didn't know what it was, I didn't look at it, I didn't care.
I was going to find Juri-san. The sky was strange. As it it was burning. I didn't admire it, I just thought about how my ring finger felt heavier. I would find Juri-san who was in the fencing room as she always had been. A part of me felt dead, but another was filled with a sense of purpose. I was to kill the Rose Bride. That was fine by me, but first I needed a sword. A perfect soul sword. I needed something that would shame Excalibur. I would need Juri-san's sword. I thought about how fun it would be to get it. Yes. The fencing room was aglow in tones of a smoldering fire that evening. Juri-san was there as I'd predicted looking out of the huge glass windows. She looked different with the light on her, tanned and somehow more appealing to me. As I watched her when she wasn't aware, I wondered if she'd been looking to see me pass by. That would have been amusing.
She heard my light foot steps and faced me. At first her statement was the same as I'd seen it after I came back to the Academy but then it gave way to something like confusion. I liked it when she was unsure of herself, that way she knew what the old me felt like.
'Shiori...,' she said. It was almost like old times. I relished it. But then she spoiled my moment. 'Hey, what is it this time?'
I kept calm, I was about five feet ahead of her. In fact through all of this I felt remarkably relaxed and at peace. I was so empowered at that time. It was the last time I'd ever feel like that again. 'This is yours, isn't it?,' I asked raising my hand and letting the locket dangle in her line of vision.
It was funny how she walked to me then, her hand outstretched to take it back. 'Why do you have that-' I pulled away, moving back from her and she stopped. Mid step, as if realizing the consequences of my having it. Then. Her voice became nervous. Antsy. Apprehensive. I savored the sound of it. Juri-san terrified of my knowing her dirty secret. 'Did you... look inside?'
I held it behind me, my posture was straight and proud. Juri-san was nearing the point of slouching. I smiled at her. Yes, I had looked inside, had see her religion. Had seen me in that tawdry old photo. Yes, Juri-san. I knew everything. I had her right where I wanted her to be. Fidgety and uncertain. She was me. I was her.
'If you'd have told me,' I said my words a mix of sincerity and malevolence, 'I'd have given you a better picture.'
She was jolted by my words, never had she expected her pathetic object of her affections to say something like that. My lips turned upward. Her face revealed hopelessness. Blight. Despair. A tragedy, my Juri-san. And she looked away, as if she could escape me that way. As if I would let her. But I saw the pain that pierced her green eyes. It was exhilirating. Alluring. I wanted to touch her, to let her know what the feeling was like, so she could lie awake at night and think about it. Having my hands on her. I went to her and with my fingers gently lifted her chin up and made her look into my eyes. Such a penatrating gaze.
'Beautiful,' I said softly, breathlessly, holding her face up. Her skin was still satin. 'I liked the look in your eyes when you were hurt.'
I let my fingers glide over her skin, caressing it, wanting her to like it, to take pleasure in it. And a part of me- Somewhere beneath all of it, behind the cruelty was.... enjoying the intimate experience. I wanted her to know what it was like, because now that I knew I had her in the palm of my hand, I would never let her feel it again.
'Shiori... don't tease me.'
Don't tease me, but she wasn't moving, she wasn't telling me to stop. She couldn't leave. My precious Juri-san. I kind of felt bad for her, for what I was doing to her, but it wouldn't deter me. My hand slid down her neck, my fingers tasting that skin. 'You're supposed to be stronger than anyone,' I said letting my hand drop lower, trailing down from her neck to her chest, 'But now you're like this.'
Wasn't it despicable what emotions did to people? Someone so invincible. Taken down by me. Ah. Her heart beating like my little birds before it stopped, thumping so frantically and the weariness of what I was doing. She didn't tell me to stop because she wanted it too... Then her eyes flicked down to my hand, and she saw something that wasn't to her liking. Her eyes went wide. She gasped. My lips curled up into something that was like a sneer before I moved closer, pressing my body against hers, laying my head on her shoulder for a split second before jumping back, and giving her a small push. It would teach her to keep her distance. Juri-san gripped her chest before groaning and falling to her knees on the floor. I watched in awe, a bit unsure of what was happening, but a small laugh tinkered from me. Yes, betrayed by me like I had been by her. She kept her arms around herself as if trying to keep something in. She was trying valiantly, like a true prince to fight the pain and I gave her credit. Her cries had some sort of affect on me but then she screamed. Agonizing. The sound filled the room bouncing off the walls and I saw a hilt come out of her chest. The force of it brought her to her feet, her back arched as it tore out of her, inch by inch, by inch, cutting her insides as it came out for the one who should wield it. Me. Her lips moved wordlessly and I grabbed it by the blade pulling up, finishing the task off. Ungraciously she feel back on the floor with a thud and for minutes I stood over her body looking at her. Something about it felt all wrong.
At last I got tired of staring at her precious face. I tossed the locket on the floor next to her. Let her keep it. Let her wear the symbol that marked her as mine. As my property. Hidden or shown to the world, we both knew the truth. And we were the only ones that mattered.
***
Snippets. Fragments, is what I can remember now. I returned to Mikage- I must have... Or did I? Did that really happen? Nothing's clear to me now. No... I was walking through a forest, dark with pin sized beams of light... illuminating the way. I walked through there with that precious sword, and it didn't weight anything. Like a feather...
I walked in through something... stairs. Giant, spiraling, moving forever upward like the tower of Babel, to reach the forbidden heavens and God... I didn't see my attire had changed until I reached the platform. It makes no sense so I still insist it must have been a dream. I was wearing white pants, much like Juri-san's and a burgundy colored jacket. Gold buttons streamed down the front. It looked like a student council members uniform. But it fit me so well. I felt empowered.
I walked across the platform, in awe of all the desks that were there. Brown desks that had birds on stands on them. I couldn't count all the birds... but I took them to be a good sign. They all looked like my little dead bird They were back. Maybe already it had been reincarnated. Just like I myself had been. It was a new beginning. I let a smile cross my lips, I felt rejuvenated. Even the countless crimson figures etched in blood on the floor didn't bother me.
I looked up from one that was curled on it's side when I saw a boy no more than an inch from me. My eyes widened slightly, but I felt too mellow to be startled. He was effeminate, with dark skin and gray hair. His voice was the same as the one at the Nemuro Hall.
"Who are you?," I asked taking half a step back.
"You need a rose for the duel, Shiori-san," he said producing a black one from behind his back. I studied his clothing. Somewhat like mine, different design. A pink/purple shade.
"A rose...?" My eyes flicked to it. Black... Black roses were for the dead, weren't they?
"Hai," spoke the androgynous boy with the androgynous voice. "Here's a black rose," he raised his hand and I couldn't help but look at that thorny green stem, even as it came down, pushing into my clothing, breaking them, and finally puncturing my heart where it came to a stop. It was so painful that I was unable to make a noise, much less move. Then I felt nothing. There was no pain. I must have dreamt all of this.
"For you...," he looked into my eyes and smiled. I returned it and was reinforced with my directions. Kill the Rose Bride. By the rose I bore. Yes. Kill the Rose Bride and it would be so easy. Because what I'd done to Juri-san not so long ago was something worse than murder. If I loved Juri-san and could do that to her, killing a stranger wouldn't be a problem.
I blinked and he was gone. But Himemiya Anthy had appeared in the end of the arena, at the head of the stairs. I questioned how she'd gotten there without my seeing her, but I found it stranger still that she was the Rose Bride and I knew this and I had no reserves about killing her.
Yes, I thought to myself. It would be very easy to turn over there and lop her head off. This however, wouldn't be honorable. I would wait to fight whomever it was that was engaged to her, defeat them and then kill the Rose Bride when they were there to witness it, helpless. This struck me as the better plan. After some minutes of waiting I heard footsteps. It was Tenjou Utena. Why wasn't I surprised? Maybe it was the way they'd appeared to me earlier. The shining girl, the servant. Yes. Still, I felt some remorse that I would have to fight her. She was a nice girl... she'd been kind to me. I watched as she surveyed the grounds but got tired of it. I'd defeat her, kill the best friend and revolutionize the world... Make it into what it should have been. A friend of mine, on my side. Not the enemy. Where everything played out as I would see fit.
I raised the sword in front of me and called out my declaration. 'I shall win this duel and bring death to the Rose Bride.' Pointing the sword at her, I went on. 'That I swear by this black rose.'
She was so... shocked. Her ocean eyes wide. 'Why are you...?' How strange that I would get more of a reaction from her than my own best friend. I thought that since she was so confused I'd take the liberty to explain everything to her. She deserved that much at least. Let her be the first outsider to know.
'This is me, the _real_ me!' Not that weakling you saw earlier whining about Juri not caring, I wanted to add. Yes, Juri. Not Juri-san. Such a name would imply that she has my respect, and I no longer had any for her. 'And not the underdog that was living a miserable life in the shadow of the bright shining Juri!'
Sometimes when one dreams, things they've had in mind ring across the netherworld. A conversation, a piece of music... in my case, it was my poem. Oddly enough, it continued in my dream... to parts I'd not written...
'Twin relationships are'
I watched with wonderment as Anthy's dress began to flutter, and her body fell back.
'The capricious, heartless lies of desires'
Into Utena's arms. A glowing blue light above the Rose Bride's chest...
'Propagating endlessly in the'
How wonderfully tender Utena was in withdrawing the sword. I'd raped Juri in comparison. And she brought the sword out... claiming the power to revolutionize the world.
'Interval between two mirrors'
Then there was a ringing of the bells, so loud and fierce I almost clapped my hands over my ears. The duel had begun and there was no way I was going to let Utena take the power for herself. With a shout I rushed at her. Quick as the wind. As Juri.
'Ah, Man does not exist'
I had it, ready to pierce that noble rose of hers, it didn't really matter if she had her back turned to me. But how skillful. She blocked it, I'd been a bit off. How well she played the game to repel a shot without facing me.
'Ah, within the darkness'
We sword fought for a few seconds, the swords ringing as we clashed. Though my hope was to maim that rose of hers, but she was good... We both jumped away and started racing down the arena at opposite sides of a desk.
Utena was still trying to understand me. If she'd lived her life so pathetically as I had, she would have known.
'Why? I thought you admired her so much.' she said as we ran.
'Ah, the sound of the waves'
'Because I know!,' I shouted back.
'Know what?'
We came to the end of a section of desks and she paused. Instantly I was upon her. Using all my strength leaning forward, my stand stretched out. Yes, Juri moved within me. Even after everything I'd done she'd choose me over Utena. But Utena blocked, struggling with both of her hands to fight me back. It was all so easy...
'Even light casts shadows, making a pair out of me and me.'
Yes... that was a good place to continue, I now think. It was Juri and her light who made me who I was. If she hadn't been so bright, then I wouldn't have so many conflicting sides to me.
'That Juri is not as everyone thinks she is!' I said it with conviction. If they only knew about Juri, how would they see her then? A peculiar and undeserving girl. So helpless around me. 'And that I'm the stronger one!'
Yes, I was her puppet master. She danced for me. And only for me.
'Isolation outbreak, that's the reason, making a pair out of me and me'
Yes. I had been isolated all of my life. That contributed, I would change myself into something different. But always the weaker me protested the stronger one. Just because the stronger one had to be slightly meaner here and there.
'What's that mean?' Utena asked.
My patience was gone. I didn't care to answer. I lunged forward... almost got her but she blocked. Another twinge of a smile. This was fun, I could see how Juri enjoyed this so much.
'Twins, Twins-in-law'
She jumped back, deflecting me again. Lucky. But I wouldn't give her a seconds rest, again I charged her, whipping the saber. Missed. My God she was fast! The only thing that kept her from hitting the floor was gripping the edge of a desk. Utena didn't look so happy anymore. Now it was anger. Why? Because I was going to beat her? Because I was saying bad things about Juri?
'Scheming twins, absent twins'
Or could it be that at last she was comprehending...? I laughed and moved up a few steps. 'Looks like you finally understand.'
'Since we see the invisible'
I put on a well deserved arrogant smirk. It was time. 'But this will finish you off!,' I pulled the sword back and with Fujin's mighty winds I sailed across the floor...
'The contrived world, rises to the surface'
Utena was ready. She started to get up and quickly she shoved herself at me with as much force as I had. I saw the arena get brighter but I didn't look up. I was to win...
'Amusement park, apparatus and optical illusions'
I caught the birds... all of them look up to something that perhaps I should have paid attention to-
'The contrived world rises to the surface'
So fast- so fast- she moved! And I was only able to stand there as she shot past me, her blade slicing the petals off my rose... black petals swimming in the air... coming apart one by one.... I gasped- No- No!
'Earth is a museum of personalities...'
The tolling of the bells. The death bells- I'd lost- I'd- The flutter of a birds wings and then more. Hundreds.
'Earth is a curio box of personalities'
Flying away. Away... My dreams, hopes, ambitions... control... away... And it was so hot... My body felt as if it were burning, my flesh singing, scalding- I raised my hands to my head as if to ward off the flames- screaming-
'Earth is...'
And then my screams died. I was no more... I- I felt my body crumble to the floor on that red figure I'd previously admired... And I was asleep... and so you see. This must all have been a dream. I woke up and there was no black ring on my finger. I didn't even have Juri-san's locket. When I sat up I felt my eyes were damp. My heart still chiming. I was grateful it was a dream. I don't know what I'd do with myself if it really turned out that I was such a cruel person. All I had was that Juri-san loved me. I had that knowledge, I had seen the pendant but I didn't recall anything else. Anything that could have possibly been real. Despite all of this, I knew she didn't want me around. And after such an intense dream, I didn't know if I could trust myself to be around her either.
***
Three days later, after choir I walked the campus with three new friends. Sakura, Aya and Miho. They were the ones who'd make terrible remarks about me on picture day. They didn't remember me, but I remembered them. It was their fault I had taken such terrible turns with my relationship with Juri-san. Still they sought me out on their own. A new experience, having others extend their hand to offer me friendship. I took it. It was a step on the road to a new me.
They began to ask questions about my old boyfriend and I plastered a smile on my face. Somehow, it wasn't so hard to talk about it, especially after they'd shared their tales. At last, I felt on even standing with a group. They weren't close to being near Juri-san's league, but I was. She loved me, and that meant I was special. But there was no reason for me to hang around her now.
'He was very handsome and nice,' I confided. 'But I had to let him go.' They would never hear the reasons behind this or understand why this was the case.
'Really Shiori!,' Sakura said astonished. It was so different. To have someone interested in what I was saying.
'But why did you break up with you ex-boyfriend?,' Aya asked.
'You wanna hear?,' I asked coyly, holding the music book to my chest as we walked.
'We do! We do!,' Miho said enthusiastically. I couldn't stop smiling. This was so great!
'I wonder if I should...' When I said this I was trying to fabricate a story in my head. The truth wouldn't do. It put me in bad light. And it might make Juri-san look bad.
'Come on Shiori!,' Aya exclaimed. 'Out with it!'
'As nice as he was,' I said winging it, 'I often caught him looking at a picture of another girl. My best friend no less!' Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. Or just as entertaining. 'And-well- that's no good!'
'That's talking from experience!,' Aya said.
Amidst the laughter, I couldn't surpress a gasp. I nearly stopped, but I kept going. Slowly. Juri-san, standing in front of me. Aside from the so called confrontation in my dream, I hadn't spoken to her. Hastily I composed myself and continued walking with my group. 'Hello, Juri-san.' I said cheerfully.
'Hi...'
Her face was pleasant. There was even a smile when she said it, so soft. It made my heart flutter- but both of our smiles disappeared and I lost myself in those thoughts of the dream. How odd that I could remember it so vividly. Talking in an elevator, fighting... touching Juri-san... it was so foreign.
'Hey, so then what?' Aya said breaking in my thoughts. I smiled. Best not to think about it.
'So then I said to him...' I'm in love with someone else. ' 'What are you doing?! ' '
Juri-san and I were passing each other without a glance, but I was all too aware of her every movement. Perhaps it was her and I who should talk about the break up. Our break up. 'Am I a brute?' I said more to myself than to the trio of girls. Juri-san wouldn't want to talk about it. It'd probably hurt her.
'No, well put!,' Sakura said.
'Right, well put!,' Miho confirmed.
'It's wrong to go out with somebody when they're in love with a best friend,' I said continuing to walk to the next class. 'So I ended it, it was best for the both of us, neh?'
'Hai!,' They all said in unison. Who would have thought that a venomous pack of rattlesnakes could be so nice?
My mind drifted back to the dream, to where I spoke with Juri-san. Sweet anguish... torture. Why couldn't I stop dwelling over everything I'd done? Maybe I was fooling myself. I hadn't changed at all.