But somehow I managed to do it. I occupied my time, I did my homework hurriedly, some might say sloppily. I even did a little studying, anything that would keep my mind from what time it actually was. Anything to keep my eyes from going to the clock which always showed that there was much too much time to wait to meet him. I watched some t.v. in the small television I had to occupy my time but I couldn't pay any attention to it. In the end I turned it off and I sat down to think about what could possibly happen tonight, and why it was that Tsuchiya-sempai had asked me to see me at a time that could be considered late by campus rules. I hoped it wasn't to break up with me. I easily tossed this thought to the side, there was no way it could be for that.
I picked up a teen magazine and flipped through the articles and quizzes that they had. 'Is your Best Friend a user?' I frowned. I didn't know if that applied to me or Juri-san. Sure.. I used her for all she was worth, but I always cared about her... if I used anything of hers, it was her kindness... spent on me, her warm smiles that no longer seemed to be existant. But she used me as well. Falling in love with me. How sick was that? We grew up together... how could she just... I decided to get a bottle of water. It was hot in my dorm room. I opened the window and returned to the magazine. There was a true life story of a girl whose boyfriend had led a double life. I felt badly for the girl and then I went on to look at the latest fashion trends that I'd never be able to wear as long as I attended Ohtori Academy and had to wear a school uniform. Finally it was nine-fifty. Time had passed slowly and thickly, like syrup and I sprang out of my bed tossing the magazine to the side before I flew out the door, ready to rendezvous with Tsuchiya-sempai.
The moon in the sky hung yellow, seemingly on a string ready to crash upon all of us, so close it looked. I was mesmerized and I took in the night air before I went running through the corridors of Ohtori, it was tiring, but I didn't feel it. The burning in my chest and my legs only made me want to rush to him faster. He'd make it better... somehow. Because that's how Tsuchiya-sempai was. That's who Tsuchiya-sempai was... So many sweet things he'd whispered in my ear... I climbed down the steps of the building until I arrived at the fountain. This was in front of where Juri-san dormed... My eyes flicked to her window for a moment before I walked over to the fountain, the water bubbling and filling the night. It was the only sound besides the thundering of my heart which I couldn't quiet no matter how I tried.
'Shiori,' I heard and I whirled around. There he was, at the other side of the fountain, near the arch of the Juri-san's building. I went over and smiled nervously.
'Tsuchiya-sempai...,' I said, so relieved that he had appeared. I'd hated to be so excited about something and then be stood up. I walked to him and he gathered me in his arms before I could protest. Not that I would. I held my hands to his chest and could feel his heart, and it's slow movement while mine beat frantically. It was a bit chilly and I was warmed by him, his arms circled around my waist. It felt like... it had felt when I had hugged Juri-san after I had kissed _him_ in front of her while blinding her eyes. That same feeling... 'You came,' I said.
'I invited you,' he chuckled, 'There's no way I'd miss it.' And he smiled down at me, in a delightful sort of manner that made me lose all self control. I tried to keep my breathing steady. Although my former boyfriend and I had done this and more, it was all different with Tsuchiya-sempai... he seemed to know what he was doing... and I was clueless, so fragile, so scared of what might happen between the two of us. Was I ready to take this step? Was I ready to begin yet another relationship with Juri-san still at the back of my mind? But that wasn't what that this had been about, had it? I didn't think so. It was merely Tsuchiya-sempai who had turned my world right side up. Yet, I was nervous.
'Your breast is heaving like a puppy,' he said, teasing me.
'Stop that...,' he didn't have to point it out! It was so embarassing to begin with, and my cheeks were painted scarlet, my breathing was uneven. I tried to calm myself. Being here with Tsuchiya-sempai was nothing so extraordinary- even though every second was. It was after hours... why meet here of all places? Why in front of Juri-san's room? It terrified me in a sense that she could spy us at any moment, on the other hand, it was invigorating. That I unlike her would not sit back and pine away for a person like she had.. But... but... I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest.
'Well, shall we go?'
Go where? I didn't know. It set off alarms in my head, but I couldn't bring myself to question him about it. Did he mean his dorm room...? Where did he want us to go? I wanted to protest. I shouldn't be going anywhere it was late- it was a risk in itself to come out at this time to begin with.
'No matter how long the night is,' he spoke as if sensing my fears, '...for us it's but the briefest moment.' I was afraid of what would happen should we be caught, but at that moment, I didn't care. Let me be caught, maybe the next day the school would be talking about how daring I was. Yet, his words stung me. The briefest moment... no matter how long I spent out here with him, it wouldn't be long enough for me, I'd crave his company even more so. I wish I didn't have to leave him, he who has made me feel special above anyone else.
'You're right...,' I said looking up at him, only to find his lips crushing down on mine. It was a powerful kiss. It was Tsuchiya-sempai's style perhaps, though before he'd always been gentle. I raised myself so he wouldn't have to lean so far and at some point- I was frightened. His kiss, the way in which he'd kissed me not even a second ago, completely faded, until it seemed only I was kissing him and he not returning my affections. It made me want to kiss him with more of a ferocity so that he could understand that it was something that I wanted too. In case he was worried about that... I opened my eyes and gazed up at him my eyes full of emotion. 'Let's go then, Tsuchiya-sempai,' I said hoping he'd take the hint and lead me to where ever. I didn't know where we were to go, but that one moment of inattentiveness frightened me so much that I would have followed him anywhere.
I followed him to his dorm room. This was the one rule that I shouldn't have been breaking, especially at this time of night, but it wasn't as if I could say no, was it? He led me inside and told me to take a seat on the bed. Hesitantly I obliged, but really there was no other place to sit. Then he got me some iced tea.
'I thought you might need this,' he said handing me a chilled glass, I watched the water trickled down the side and into my hand curiously, 'You seemed so out of breath earlier.'
'Hai,' I gave him another apologetic smile, 'I thought I was running late...' A lie, but a small white one that didn't matter. I didn't want to seem pathetic. It was really, to go straight home and wait five hours to meet someone... I did accomplish a few trivial things, but that was only because I forced myself to move. I took a sip of the lemon flavored drink. 'It's good.'
He nodded. 'It's the instant kind that comes in a powder,' he explained to me. I thought it tasted fabulous. Then again, I was so taken by him he could have given me a shoe and I would have loved it. Walking over he sat next to me with his drink in hand. I began to tremble. It was late and I was in Tsuchiya-sempai's room. Alone. We were teenagers. Who knew what sorts of things could happen? 'You're trembling,' he said putting his hand around my shoulder and pulling me close. 'Are you scared?'
'N-no,' I said in a shakey breath, 'The tea's just cold... it's running down my hand,' this was partly true, but I couldn't very well tell him I was nervous. He'd think it laughable and childlike even. That was the last thing I wanted to be viewed as by someone as obviously experienced and mature as he was.
'My apologies,' he said, 'I should have gotten you a paper towel hmm?' I nodded in response to this and then his hand was trailing down my arm until it got to the cup in my hand. He took it easily from me and set it down, putting his to the side as well. His hand lingered on mine. 'Your hand is cold.' An obvious statement but it made me blush for some reason. Once more speechless, I nodded to him. 'Have I told you how beautiful you are?'
'Oh,' I flushed darker and turned away, 'No- no, not me..' I'm not Juri-san. She was beautiful... I was just plain and useless and... Juri-san.. I thought of her hair, those curls that cascaded down her back. I liked it better when it was just wavy and... her eyes were a much warmer green not those lakey depths-
'It's true,' he said tilting my head to face him. His lips brushed my forehead and I closed my eyes at his light touch. I wanted to open them. I wanted to focus on him. I should have been focused on him. I shouldn't have been obsessing over... He kissed my cheek, the curve of my jaw and my heart pounded all the while. 'You're so modest,' he said with his smiling tone.
'Me...,' I opened my eyes, 'I- I-' Was being pushed down on the bed. Tsuchiya-sempai was very fluid about it, I hadn't even noticed until my head hit the pillow. Once there I blinked, his arms were at each side of my shoulders and he had a pleasant smile on his face. It wasn't predatory at all... it was very gentle. He lowered himself to my side, his lips touching upon my neck while I tried not to have a heart attack. His movements were slow, nothing that would startle me, but everything seemed masterful on his behalf. I felt badly that I was only laying there doing nothing. However, I did know that some men didn't like women too agressive. Perhaps this is what he wanted...
'Shiori...,' he whispered and his fingers began to fiddle at the tie on my uniform. 'Stay tonight... keep me company, won't you?'
My eyes widened. Oh God. No... I couldn't- I couldn't- No.. No! But I couldn't open my mouth to say these things to him. It was too soon, wasn't it? I wasn't over h- Not yet... I squeezed my eyes shut as he delicately pulled the ribbon from it's place. 'Wait-,' I said sitting up immediately.
'What's wrong?'
'N-nothing,' I stammered out, 'I'm just... I'm tired and I have a test tomorrow...' I did have a test, but it was going to be simple, I'd been studying quite a while for it. I grabbed the red tie with that silly yellow stripe that he clutched in his fingers and I put it back on hastily, my hands shaking.
'You're leaving?' He sounded hurt.
'I'm not supposed to be here anyway...,' I said apologetically. He looked away and I thought I saw a look of fury in his eyes, but then they regressed into sadness. I didn't think my turning him down would do so much. 'Please don't be mad... it's not that I don't want to Tsuchiya-sempai...' It wasn't... I would gladly give myself to him if only.. if only I could stop thinking of-
'Well,' he stood up very indifferently, 'The night to me is still young. Perhaps I should call Arisugawa and have a friendly cup of tea,' he began to walk to the phone. 'Her and I have a lot of catching up to do.'
'No!,' I yelled. He looked at me surprised, but he wasn't as shocked as I was. Such a violent reaction at the mere mention of her name. I stood up quickly and wrapped my arms around him. 'Gomen... gomen nasai, I really am tired...' I said my eyes watering. 'Please tonight.. think only of me...'
'You're just tired,' he said his hand eventually coming up to stroke my hair. 'Shiori... I'd like to show you something special, if you would have it.' I tried to push away any sort of filthy joke I could make out of that and would have burst out into laughter if the thought of it coming true hadn't been so terrifying.
'Something...special...?'
'Yes,' he said holding me closer to him, 'The power of miracles... for us to attain.'
I pulled back and looked at him, my eyes clearly betraying my confusion. 'How do you mean?' The power of miracles. No, no, no. That only reminded me of her... of what I'd told her. I believed in miracles, I believe in miracles.. but already one had been granted to me, and wasted on stealing that boy from her- Which... the realization hit me. I had merely gotten him away from her, a task that wasn't bad in itself yet... Had my miracle been given to me already? If it had... it'd been wasted... I needed another one... the power of miracles... I wanted that power for myself so badly then... I tried not to get carried away for it made no sense whatsoever... but somehow when he said it, I believed in miracles more fiercely than ever. And I believed in his ability to hand them to me.
'I can't say more than that,' he pulled me into another gentle embrace. 'You're tired... I won't call Arisugawa tonight, I would have rather had your company.' I sighed in relief and held him tigher. 'Goodnight, Shiori.'
Reluctantly I pushed away from him and smiled. 'Goodnight sempai... tonight was wonderful.' He smiled at me and nodded in agreement before he opened the door for me and I exited. I didn't run back to my room. I wasn't in a rush to leave. Why hadn't I just done what he'd wanted? I- I cared for him deeply didn't I? I loved him- didn't I? I thought I did... but love sometimes is so hard to classify... and sometimes it's so hard to even know when one is in love! Was I in love with Tsuchiya-sempai...? Or could it be that my love- my affections were meant for another? For... my eyes widened as I walked past the fountain. No. Not for her. Never for her. Walking quickly to distance myself from the place, in a state of perpetual disgust I walked into my room and prepared for bed. I really was tired. Before I actually got under the covers I looked at the class photo. 'Damn you, Juri-san... always complicating my life...' I turned it over and went to sleep. I dreamt of Juri-san's and I's childhood days. Beautiful dreams... and when she spit gum into my hair. I think I laughed and wept simultaneously.
---
The next day I got up slowly, I wasn't in the mood to do anything. I felt drained and exhausted, but it wasn't from the running but the dreams that had plagued me in the night. Why is it that sometimes happy memories are just as hurtful as sad and angry ones? I rose out of bed and got dressed still thinking about what had happened last night between Tsuchiya-sempai and I... and what could have happened. What I didn't allow to happen? And why not? It wasn't as if I were trying to save myself for marriage or anything... I tried to shake the thoughts.
Instead I went about my morning routine of taking a shower and getting dressed. I thought about Juri-san and I, and what it'd been like when we'd dormed together years earlier. Given the opportunity to do so once more, would I jump at it? Or would I shun it? I didn't know. Everything was so different. She was so different. I didn't think I'd changed that much.. not honestly. Myself with others never changed, that persona never differed. Perhaps I was a bit more open with them as I had more confidence but... with Juri-san... It was different with her. It always would be. Because no matter what I did, no matter how much I accomplished, I would always be beneath her. More pathetic, not as beautiful, not as smart, nowhere near as kind but always twice as selfish. I prepared myself toasts with jam and I thought about her and I, and how this was always the late breakfast I'd prepare for her. It made me feel like crying but I fought it down and drank a glass of water to try to steady myself.
At my desk I righted the picture I'd turned upside down the night prior and gazed at her. I don't know why it was always that one that I looked at, as I had other ones. Perhaps this was the only one I could stand. In this one, I had just a little bit of power and Juri-san was so... It was pathetic. I couldn't believe how much time of the day I would take to look at that picture. I highly doubted that Juri-san sat anywhere staring at my picture at all sorts of strange hours of the day.
I decided that I'd call Tsuchiya-sempai. He was the perfect antidote to Juri-san. Whenever he filled my mind, Juri-san couldn't infiltrate it. The phone rang five times before the machine picked up. I frowned.
'Ano... it's Shiori... you're not there.' Obviously. 'I just wanted to apologize for being... such a baby last night... and- and perhaps...' I swallowed. 'Another time... I'll stay over.' I looked down, feeling my cheeks burning, but I couldn't decipher whether it was with excitement or shame. 'I have a class now though so... I'll see you around... I guess.' And then I hung up, I saw my arms alive with goosebumps and rubbed at them to wash the symptoms of whatever that foretold away. It was no big deal, was it? That I'd told him that... It was what all teenage girls did... Maybe Juri-san had already done it. I scowled immediately. That thought... that she could have been so... so close to someone like that... made me furious. I snatched my schoolbag up and went to class.
---
The day went by slowly. The test was a breeze, I once again realized what a silly excuse it had been to give Tsuchiya-sempai. To make matters worse, I hadn't seen him for the entire day. It was strange that he had not come to pick me up to escort me to school. It was odd to not have him near me. It felt as if like a ghost, he'd vanished from my sight. I was being paranoid, I knew but to tell myself this didn't help me. I went to eat under a tree after the long day. An orange as I wasn't hungry, then he materialized out of thin air. I stopped mid chew as he strided up to me, in a confident way that I admired.
'Takatsuki, there you are,' he smiled broadly. I returned it. Takatsuki? 'I'm sorry I missed you this morning, I left to school early for a change.'
'I see,' I said after I finished eating the orange slice I'd been working at. I smiled brightly. 'Well, I'm glad you're here now.' I hoped he hadn't gotten my message, but then again, what else was there to be done about it? It wasn't as if I could sneak into his room and take the tape. No... I couldn't do that. Tempting as it was.
'As am I,' he said scooting next to me and bringing his arm around me. 'I got your message.'
My face paled immediately. 'Oh.' Oh... sheesh. What was I supposed to do now? Hadn't the point of that message basically been to offer sex in a non blatant manner? I cringed within but then I turned to look at him. He was so handsome and he looked so genuinely happy. Still I couldn't bring myself to speak.
' It's wonderful,' he kissed the top of my head, 'I think you're a special girl Shiori. More so than anyone I've ever met.'
My mouth went dry. He thought I was special? Me...? I think as girls seek to hear a man say 'I love you' I sought for someone to tell me 'You're special'. I don't know why it was, that I would toss love to the side so easily for the notion that someone would think me special but... Those words wiped away any doubts I may have been having. He thought I was special.. and he was sincere. I thought he was sincere... I would have done anything for him then. To hear him say those words again, to have him thinking that way of me forever. Me, Takatsuki Shiori thought of as special, by a guy like Tsuchiya-sempai... it was a dream come true. One I wanted desperately to believe in. One I so willingly gave myself to.
'Really...?' I said at last, looking up into his eyes, that shined like sapphires. They looked a very dark color then, I thought it gave him depth.
'I wouldn't say it unless I meant it,' he said pressing his lips to mine gently. 'I have a few things to take care of, but would you meet me by the fountain once more tonight?'
I bowed my head in agreement, 'At the same time, Tsuchiya-sempai?'
'Yes,' he said standing, pulling himself away from me. I managed the great feat of not pouting. 'Tonight then, I'll bring you one step closer to the power of miracles.' I shook my head, that was absurd. But he went away before I could question it. I opened my bookbag and began to look through the assignments I needed to complete before ten. I was missing a worksheet. I searched repeatedly but couldn't find the history homework at all. I had left it in class.
With a sigh I stood up and began to walk back to the classroom. The sun was beginning to set, burning the horizen with a palette of colors. It was beautiful and I admired it's beauty. The reds and oranges reminded me of Juri-san. Once more I put her out of my mind and climbed the steps to the second floor where my history class was.
I saw Miho, Aya and Sakura walking through the hallways with their choir books. I smiled at them. ''Ya,' I said.
'Shiori!,' Aya exclaimed, 'We saw you talking under the tree with Tsuchiya-sempai,' I nodded. It was so nice to be seen with him. 'Are you two exclusive?'
I frowned. Of course we were... What kind of question was that?
'Ne, Shiori,' Miho said before I could respond, 'Have you and Tsuchiya-sempai, you know-'
'Miho!,' Sakura said cross, 'That's none of our business, sumimasen Shiori, she's nosey.'
'You're the one who wanted to know!,' Miho yelled in return.
I laughed them off. It was none of their business. But I smiled coyly regardless. 'It's a secret,' I told all of them before going into the history room. I walked across the room, the footsteps echoing through the desolate room until I reached my desk. Once there, I saw my sheet lying on the chair, I picked it up and stuffed it into my bookbag. Stupid thing... how long would it take? It would occupy my time until Tsuchiya-sempai anyway... He thought I was special. I smiled, a little maliciously at the thought. Yes. If I had him, I didn't need Juri-san. I would never need her. I'd found someone who was just as good as her. No, better even... At least he cared about me. And he expressed it. Unlike Juri-san, the coward.
Hearing footsteps I glanced up. I thought perhaps it'd be Miho, Aya and Sakukra come to hound me for more information. But it was Juri-san. Inwardly I jumped. I hadn't expected to see her. It'd been a while since we'd even exchanged a hello. I smiled brightly.
'Oh, Juri-san.' What was wrong with her? She was nearly slumped, looking down at the floor, holding the bag in a melancholic way. She didn't seem fit to be wearing that student council uniform that marked her above all of the rest of us. At that moment I realized that Tsuchiya-sempai was also in the student council. I wonder if the two of them talked often. I hoped not. 'Why the face?' I so rarely saw her like that except- I blinked. No, dreams don't count, do they? Swinging that pendant... a dream...
'Shiori...,' her voice was strangled, why would she look at me with those pretty green eyes of hers? I looked at her, keeping my cheerful demeanor, for I was. Cheerful. It was stupid, to mope like I had... and I had, not that she had noticed. Yes, Juri-san. You have been replaced in my heart by Tsuchiya-sempai. You are no longer needed. I picked another over you. Leave me alone, get out of my life. My thoughts faltered. Is that what I truly wanted? I wanted my friend back but... but... 'you shouldn't go out with him anymore.'
'Huh?' I was temporarily shocked. First off, her and I hadn't had a real conversation in years... the balcony where she shunned me doesn't matter, that didn't count. Who was she to come and try to give me advice? To try to tell me... not to go out with the one person who made me feel special and wanted? Since when did she care? How dare she? I narrowed my eyes slightly, feeling my heart caught in my throat. Or was it that she- was this the closest she could come to telling me? If she was in love with me, of course she wouldn't want me near him... It was sickening. How quickly she'd want to squash the little happiness that I had in my life.
'Naturally, you're surprised...' She continued, still not looking up at me. Was the floor really so interesting? I continued to look at her, to push down the anger that I was feeling. It was difficult. '...but I'm saying this because I'm worried about you.'
I sneered. Was she really? I doubted it. What indication did she have that Tsuchiya-sempai was bad for me? He was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and now she was trying to destroy that. Like she had ruined me over the years. Worried. If she was really worried she would have let me apologize, she would have accepted it... she could have made an effort to try to reconstruct our friendship. But she didn't do that. She tossed me aside as unimportant, making me feel so worthless that at nights I wanted to die. But no longer. Now I was with Tsuchiya-sempai. I had every reason to live. I was happy. I wasn't going to let her steal that from me.
'That man just can't be trus-'
'Juri-san,' I said cutting her off. I grabbed my bag and let it hang at my side. I'd be leaving now. She looked up at me, startled that I had interrupted her in the middle of her tyrade. 'You're...' the worst. Sick. 'pathetic.'
Her eyes widened and her face froze in a most unflattering mannering. I waited for her to say something more but it seems that for once the roles had reversed. I could crush her with my words just as she could once do to me.
'Shiori, what are you doing?,' Aya. I sighed inwardly. I would have liked to finish this up. 'Let's get out of here already!'
'Okay, be right there!' I called back. I gave Juri-san a snide smile and walked out of the room as she remained immobile. I shook inside. How could she- try to... take that from me? The one thing I had? She had everything! Why now did she try to care...? Without any evidence without-
'What's the matter?,' Sakura asked when I reached them. My act wasn't as good as I thought, perhaps. However, it only mattered what Juri-san thought, and I think she was too stung by what I'd said to even think of whatever mask I may have put up.
'Oh nothing...,' I said frowning lightly.
'Arisugawa-sempai sure is scary, isn't she?,' Miho commented. I glanced at her.
'Oh, really?' I didn't think so. Not anymore. Forget Juri-san... I wouldn't worry about her anymore.