Chiox, Part 9
Anthy watched at Juri’s pale hand reached to her throat in search of the locket, the chain that bound her to the duels. So did she still carry it in her heart, even though it no longer existed physically? Anthy recalled how she had in her own way mocked her with the orange rose…
“Hai. It is,” she answered, not looking at her. Anthy only nodded her head silently. As she thought then. She was a fool to hope that her pain might come to an end…she was damned, that was all there was to it. Anthy respected her more for being honest about it. Utena would have refused she knew, told her that hope was all one had…but if that is all one has…then what happens when you lose it?
“A sham we use to console ourselves, when it would save a lot of pain to accept the truth.” She understood that Juri was convincing herself of her own words as well as speaking with her. “But sometimes it is the only thing that gets us through hard times.” There was that again. Hope was all one had. But she had lived without it for so long…how could she go back? She…she desperately wanted to go back to when she did not even know what hope felt like…how cruel…how cruel Utena was. “So it has its place,” perhaps…but wasn’t it better to hope when that hope could be fulfilled…or at least never be shattered? “A fitting testimony to how frail humanity truly is.” Indeed. But she knew first hand how frail it was…as another set of blades traversed through her soul.
“Himemiya,” Juri began after a moment, “I want to ask you. If it isn’t me, if you’re not that miserable, why do you-“ Her sentence trailed off. Why did she what? Her brow furrowed faintly and then her ears picked up on a soft sound. Onii-sama…her heart leaped and at the same time her body went cold. Fear and love for him…love that he came to her in this…but fear of what he would ask her. How would she explain it?
“Anthy…” His voice seemed to move over her like a living being and her fear ebbed and melted away, she knew he would not hurt her…she had nothing to fear from him. It startled her to feel a hand touch her own and she realized that it was Juri’s but…
“It seems there is some trouble with my sister…do you mind telling me what happened?” Anthy took that moment to gaze at the pale hand upon her own, not daring to move, curious if her victor would answer for her or leave her to explain herself.
“I think perhaps Himemiya would tell it better than I. I wasn’t there when it happened after all,” she answered. This was very true, what knew she of what happened? Easy to explain…but no positive facts.
“I’m sure you won’t mind leaving us alone to talk in that case?” He suggested. Anthy wondered if Juri’s absence would make this easier or more difficult. If she remained present then her mask could stay…at least what was left of it. And if she left…then she had nothing to protect her. She hated that she found herself hiding things, even from him, but she didn’t want him to worry.
“Of course,” Juri agreed, the hand lifting from her own. “I’ll be outside.” Outside…Anthy felt reminded of the position they had been only the day before…but thoughts of Juri faded as Akio’s eyes fixated themselves on her own and she could only look back, reading plainly what others could not…his worry for her, his hurt that she would do this, his questions that she was not sure that she could answer.
“I should have known something was wrong in the way you bid me farewell tonight,” he said. Yes…she had been rather final about it all…she wanted him to touch her, to silence the dark ebbs at her soul, to command their silence, but still his eyes pierced hers and it was all she could do not to look away. “I assume this has nothing substantially to do with Arisugawa’s treatment of you, does it?”
“No, onii-sama.” She managed, the words barely audible. She turned her head as he sat down, his eyes still upon her own…possessiveness within them.
“Then I suggest you explain yourself, dear sister.”
“Hai…onii-sama,” she said, again softly, Gomen nasaii…I…” she pulled her eyes away and looked at anything but him, her eyes fixating on her un-bandaged fingers. “I don’t know what I was doing, I did but at the same time I couldn’t stop…it didn’t hurt,” tears ebbed at her eyes, tears she longed to shed but instead pushed away for his sake. “It all felt like too much, to think of all that time with Tenjou-san, to think of more time with Juri-sama or even the others…to think of failing again and starting over and I just…” she closed her eyes now and a shudder coursed through her body.
“I don’t know if I can keep doing this onii-sama,” she admitted finally, “I know that you have done everything you can for me and I should not throw that away.” Scarce tears finally did forced there way through her closed eyes, “I failed you onii-sama, gomen nasaii…I am so weak…I cannot even accept my punishment. I am a coward to try to escape it in such away,” her small hands curled to fists, “It was so selfish…everything you have done to help me to survive and yet I would abandon you…leave you alone to face the swords,” her body shook and she could not look at him because of the shame that she felt. “Gomen nasaii…gomen nasaii….onii-sama…”
“Hai…onii-sama. Gomen nasaii…I…” Akio watched her gaze about the room like restless butterflies, resting on anything but him. “I don’t know what I was doing, I did but at the same time I couldn’t stop…it didn’t hurt,” The sparkles in her eyes brightened a second before dulling to their usual subdued state. Was she so desperate, then? “It all felt like too much, to think of all that time with Tenjou-san, to think of more time with Juri-sama or even the others…to think of failing again and starting over and I just…” Akio watched the shiver ripple through her flesh, a disturbance on the warm dark face of the ocean… true it must be difficult, spending so much time with idealistic Tenjou to go back to the rest of the duelists. So close to Revolution as well, only to see her hopes tailspin and dissolve into nothingness, gone with the white petals on the breeze.
“I don’t know if I can keep doing this onii-sama,” the words as though forced from the lips he knew so well, as he knew every part of her…was it so difficult for her to tell the truth. “I know that you have done everything you can for me and I should not throw that away.” Akio watched as the crystal drops slid down her face. The pain of the swords it seems she could take forever. But losing Tenjou seemed too much. He frowned, perhaps it was wrong of him to let them become so close. Even though it had been a good way of keeping watch over Utena it made this all the harder.
Of course, this was not supposed to happen. Damn Dios and his chosen, weak-willed creature….well perhaps he was damned enough already.
“I failed you onii-sama, gomen nasaii…I am so weak…I cannot even accept my punishment. I am a coward to try to escape it in such away.” Still she bore the swords unflinchingly until now. Why did Utena dare to give her hope of anything more? “It was so selfish…everything you have done to help me to survive and yet I would abandon you…leave you alone to face the swords. Gomen nasaii…gomen nasaii….onii-sama…”
Rising to his feet, Akio stared down at her. “Shhhhh…” he crooned, soothing the hair back from her face, placing his lips to hers gently. “You didn’t leave me, in the end that’s all that matters. Almost doesn’t count.” Tenderly he bushed the stray tears from her cheeks that had escaped the wells of her eyes. “Don’t waste your tears on what might have been.” Save them for what is. Every sword was more worth a tear, wasn’t it?
Shaking his head, Akio withdrew his hands from her cheeks. “It was my own fault in part. I should not have let you depend on Utena so much, I should not have made her so special. Simply because she is Dios’ chosen does not mean she was mine. She is just as fallible and mortal as the others, you’ve seen that yourself. I am sorry for letting that happen…” He stared at her a long moment. “And I do know of your pain. I can offer you little comfort there, but I do believe this will be over soon,” he lied. Rather vague. ‘Soon’ could be a decade to them. Still it was disturbing, so much energy spent on Utena and she failed even so…would Juri fare any better?
Akio drew the blankets tight to her chin, tucking her in and kissed her on the forehead. “ You can stay here if you like or go home with Arisugawa, I’ll make arrangements for you either way. But don’t fret over it, it's in the past. You rest. There isn’t any sense to going on about it…You’re still here.” She didn’t escape that way, would never now, he’d make sure of it. “But I want you to swear to me you’ll never again try to take your own life,” his voice was solemn, etched in darkness and bound by shadows.. “After all, I or the Victors could never trust you alone if you do not. So promise me.” Never escape, love.
***
The tears fell from her eyes in her shame, he should leave…he should not see her this way, she was a disappointment to him, a failure. Why was she behaving in this way, so long she had gone without tear shed, holding her purpose and pain in silence…so why was it too much for her now? Why did she feel the need to share her burden with others?
“Shhhhh…” she felt his gentle fingers as they pushed away her hair and she began to calm and gain control over her tears as he kissed her, forgave her…she knew that he forgave her in the kiss alone and it comforted her greatly. “You didn’t leave me, in the end that’s all that matters. Almost doesn’t count.” Yes…he was right. Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment as he brushed away the tears, just as he would for a princess. “Don’t waste your tears on what might have been.”
She nodded slowly, but she shed her tears for so many things. For what she had done…for what she had suffered and for what she would continue to suffer, but now she knew fully that she suffered. Before Utena…she didn’t know anything else, she didn’t know that it might be wrong to do what she did. But…maybe Utena was wrong. She was the only one to seem to think differently wasn’t she? So…so perhaps she was wrong. There was a reason that she was the Rose Bride. It wasn’t unfair, she was not a cursed princess…she was a punished witch.
“It was my own fault in part,” he admitted to her surprise, “I should not have let you depend on Utena so much, I should not have made her so special. Simply because she is Dios’ chosen does not mean she was mine.” Anthy nodded again. This was true…even he had placed a great deal of hope in Utena, which had given her unspoken permission to do the same. “She is just as fallible and mortal as the others, you’ve seen that yourself,” yes, she was only a child, what could they expect from her in all honesty? “I am sorry for letting that happen…” She forgave him for it, she did not resent him at all, could not do so. She gazed into his eyes, no longer finding it so difficult to look, drawing comfort from him now. Now that he knew her fears she felt relaxed, soothed.
“And I do know of your pain,” he did…she knew he did…but at the same time…did he know what it was like? To move from duelist to duelist? It was more then the swords at times…but she wouldn’t bring that up, should not, for she believed that it pained him that she was even in this situation. “I can offer you little comfort there, but I do believe this will be over soon.” Did he? Truly? She wanted to believe that as well…but…what was soon? In comparison to everything…soon could be far away…farther away then she would like to think. Akio banished the thoughts from her mind though as he pulled the blankets around her lovingly as he had in the faintest parts of her memory when she was a little girl, even brushing the lightest of kisses on her brow. How safe she felt…and loved. She had been a fool to even doubt him.
“You can stay here if you like or go home with Arisugawa, I’ll make arrangements for you either way,” Juri had said she was to stay here for the night…and truly she felt so tired, she wouldn’t be able to leave even if she wanted to…it would be less trouble for her to stay, though she feared the prospect of doing so alone. “But don’t fret over it,” he continued, “it's in the past. You rest. There isn’t any sense to going on about it…You’re still here."
Yes, she was still there with him, in their prison…but it was alright. It was safe, she knew what to expect and she loved him. She would let hope die…this was the life she wanted to lead. It had to be, she didn’t have any other choice.
“But I want you to swear to me you’ll never again try to take your own life,” his voice was darker now as he wove the oath and she shrank into herself, “After all, I or the Victors could never trust you alone if you do not. So promise me.”
Her eyes locked with his and she nodded, afraid almost by the dark rumble of his voice, “Hai, I swear it onii-sama,” she said softly, continuing to look him in the eye, “I would not dare to again,” she pulled her uninjured hand from beneath the covers and wrapped her hand around his, “I love you too much to do that to you. I will be strong again, I will get over this…it was just a shock,” she looked away a moment then returned her eyes to his, “she made me cruel promises that I believed she could keep and…perhaps wanted her to and with her loss those promises meant nothing. I know that now.” Pretty words fed to her by a lying prince.
“I won’t do it again onii-sama, my place is here with you…it always has been,” her eyes fell shut for a moment before she opened them again, “Gomen…I’m tired onii-sama…” her grip on his hand loosened and hers fell to the bed with a light thump. “I think I will stay here tonight, I do not want to cause more trouble for Juri-sama.” Certainly she had cause enough as it was.
***
So she promised him. There was no going back on that now, she would never break that oath. “I would not dare to again,” she said, linking her fingers with his. “I love you too much to do that to you.” Akio smiled faintly...so she did…those stars in her eyes shone only for him. “I will be strong again, I will get over this…it was just a shock” Losing Utena or slitting her wrists? “she made me cruel promises that I believed she could keep and…” Ah. Losing Utena. Or rather Utena losing her, it seemed unnatural and wrong that she should be so upset over the fall of a victor. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about such problems with her current Victor. “perhaps wanted her to and with her loss those promises meant nothing. I know that now.” She ever thought they could mean something? Akio was surprised at his sister’s lapse in common sense. Surely after all the Victors she had had she should know they and their wishes and wants and promises were never worth anything in the end. They were only the tools for the Revolution, nothing more. She shouldn’t expect more of them. In part it was her own fault for depending so much on Utena…she should have learned to depend on only him in such matters.
“I won’t do it again onii-sama, my place is here with you…it always has been.” It only took her near death for her to realize that. Why had she felt it necessary to go so far? Her eyes fluttered close for moment, Akio squeezed her hand gently and her jade depths peered up at him again. “Gomen…I’m tired onii-sama…” Releasing her hand, he stepped away from the bed slightly, watching her sink further into the bed. “I think I will stay here tonight, I do not want to cause more trouble for Juri-sama.”
Akio nodded. “I will tell her. I don’t think she’ll want you around this night anyway, she doesn’t look particularly well. I don’t believe she will protest any.” He trailed his fingers over her cheek leaning close once more. “Rest well, sister. We’ll speak soon.” As soon as he removed his hand, he saw she was already nearly asleep and left the room as quietly as he could.
***
Juri shifted in the chair and glanced at her watch. How long had they been in there? Not so long, she supposed and her watch confirmed it. It only felt like forever. What was the Bride telling him? How would this reflect on her as a Victor ?
The door opened and Juri drew herself to her feet, carefully studying his face. What an odd pair, she seemed half awed and half scared of him. Perhaps it wasn’t wise to leave them alone. Yet he shut the door so gently, as if afraid to disturb her. Strange man. If he were one at all.
Turning to face her, Akio looked down at the ginger-haired ice maiden, she was glowering as usual. Lovely flower, bitter fruit. No, he doubted he would be able to pierce her defenses the same way he had Utena’s…and yet there were still ways. He only need buy a little time…if Saionji were to find out what happened to the Bride…surely he would strike out against this latest Victor, wouldn’t he? Madman though he was.
“She wishes to remain here for the night--” Akio began.
“That’s fine,” Juri said coolly, stopping him in mid sentence. Akio looked pointedly at her, Juri lifted her chin and looked back into his mirrored eyes. “It is my say where she stays, after all.”
Akio held her gaze a long moment before offering a razor thin excuse for a smile. “So it is. I’ll fill out forms for her release in the morning, I’ll pick her up if you would like.”
“No I will do it myself, thank you,” Juri said stiffly. “I can take care of her.”
“Yes I’m sure you can. I only thought to offer so you would not be late to classes. I’d hate to see your grades slip.”
Juri drew herself up to her full height. “I am quite sure there is no need to concern yourself about that.”
Akio nodded, the tension of the moment slipping away in the supple movement. “Very well then.,” Akio continued, as relaxed and casual as a lounging cat. “I suggest you go home and get some rest yourself. It’s a busy time for you.” Akio nodded to her and stalked away with supple ease.
Juri thought it reminded her of a snake slithering. She turned towards the pay phones –
“Arisugawa.” Akio looked at her from the head of the stairs, his keys dangling from his hand. “Do you need a ride?” So innocent, so it looked, heroic even, the Dean offering the stranded distraught student a ride home after her roommate slit her wrists.
“No.” Juri’s fingers clenched tight around the receiver. “I’ll call a cab.”
“Heh.” Akio smiled wider, turned, and strode down the steps. Ah she was no fun. “Suit yourself.” She could have at least said no thank you.
***
Utena had been wandering the campus, the fountains, the gates., everywhere, anywhere but..home. Where was home? Was it with Akio? There in his arms like she had been that one night…she blinked the tears away No she couldn’t go back there, he wasn’t her prince, even if he was, she didn’t deserve one, did she? She’d lost that noble heart the prince had so much admired.
Where was she supposed to go? She’d forgotten time before the dueling, as if were a lifetime ago and had no real place in this existance. How was she supposed to return do that? And she’d tried once, she couldn’t be normal. She couldn’t wear that skirt and be that kind of girl.
But how could she wear this uniform when she’d lost what it was she wore it for? How did she return with out Himemiya?
Fresh tears sprung to her eyes..no it was no good doing that but still. She’d been so sure she could win. Maybe that’s why she didn’t. But two times? In a row? How could she go back to school and play the prince again? Just fake prince…
She could go home to her aunt. Utena brightened a little at the thought. That was home, surely, the only true home she’d had since her parents died. Yeah, that’s it, she’d go and call Yurika and transfer somewhere else, somewhere where she didn’t have to see Anthy every day walking behind Juri like some puppy on a chain.
No! Utena looked up, her fists tightening. No she would not run away. Not to Akio’s arms. She wouldn’t wear that other uniform, she wouldn’t go back to Yurika. It felt too much like running away. She’d gotten this far with her nobility and she wouldn'’t retreat to something else now.
Still it was so hard…to find a home….
Slowly tracing her steps, she knocked softly on the familiar dorm door. “Wakaba? Would it be so hard if…if I stayed with you?”