Adoration, Part 15
They seemed to be laughing as they seared through, taking full advantage of her. She had finally let them get to her after all, she had a moment of true weakness and that was all they needed to react, those sword so full of hatred for her…and she was fool…didn’t she know that if she just gave into them she would be spared the pain? Didn’t she know if she had let them do what they were going to do in the first place she would never have had to suffer. Oh certainly she would have grieved her brother but he would not be so dreadfully lost to the world and she would have died eventually…it wouldn’t have been this horrific existence.
But they had done it, for one moment they felled the witch and her haughty nature. If only for a moment she succumbed to the hopelessness and agony and it was all because of a girl with high ideals just like her brother.
A silk-soft petal touched her face as if giving her a gentle waking kiss and her eyes refocused on what was happening. The duel. She scanned the color of the rose petals that were strewn on the platform ground, relieved that they were green. At her relief she felt another stab of pain. So she had gotten her pain after all…not the numbness, not the habitual pain that she always felt…it was so different. It felt as if her entire body was made of metal…cut her open this time and she would bleed steel. But it wasn’t anything that she controlled…this frustrated her.
Slowly she joined Juri who was waiting for her. She only wanted to get back…if she just could lay down and regain herself she could fight them. They would not conquer her; she wouldn’t let them conquer her again. She had suffered them too long to completely give into them now.
Juri seemed to be nursing an injury. Anthy hadn’t even seen her get it but she wasn’t surprised. Anyone that dueled Saionji usually came out of it bruised.
“What a perfect barbarian,” Juri muttered, “When he can’t win with his sword he resorts to brute strength.” He usually resorted to brute strength whenever he couldn’t win anything… “I’m surprised he didn’t try to swinging a punch at me while I was at it. Anyway that’s over now, hopefully I beat him thoroughly enough he’ll think twice before challenging me again.”
Anthy intended to incline her head in a nod but doubted that she had moved it enough to be noticed; she was trying not to let the pain show. Should any of the duelists know about what lay inside of her they would want even less to do with her then they already did…at least to them now she was a weird girl with only one sword inside of her…and it had to stay that way.
“You look pale,” Juri commented, “I’ll take you home before I go to see Ruka.” A pause. “Did you overestimate what you could do? Perhaps I should have done this tomorrow as I originally planned.”
“I’m alright,” Anthy answered her automatically. That wasn’t entirely true, she felt as if she were going to faint. To add to the pain in her soul, her body was screaming protest now as well and she wanted to shut her mind away from it all…a moment’s peace from it…just a moment, a blessed second…but her victor came first, always. “But if that is what you want…” she added, hoping that it was. Her champion wouldn’t have offered to take her back other wise would she? “The duel is already done so there is no use worrying about it now.” She wished that she had waited though.
They walked back to the dorms, slowly so that Juri did not strain her leg and because Anthy could not move quickly at that moment even if she wanted to. Every time someone passed them she drew further into herself, wanting the school populace to disappear.
ChuChu tilted his head as he watched the two women enter the dorm room, protesting loudly at Anthy, as if to chastise her for her actions and did not quiet until she had settled on the couch. If Juri said anything to her she wasn’t listening, only waiting for her to leave so that she could drop her façade, keeping her eyes closed. She heard a door shut and thought it safe, allowing her nails to dig into the couch cushion in a rush of pain. She then removed her glasses and released her hair, feeling stifled and confined. The uniform tie hit the ground and she lay on her back, trying only to find breaths deep enough to calm her body and distance herself from the swords, glad that Juri would be away. If Juri broached her with questions now…gods only knew what she might tell her.
***
Anthy said she was okay, but it was hard to believe her given the pallor on her dark face. It seemed to Juri that she seemed almost relieved when Juri offered to take her back.
“The duel is already done so there is no use worrying about it now.” Juri frowned faintly, yes too late to worry now. If only she had said something earlier but the Bride seemed perfectly content to work herself to death. Was it pride that made her constantly push herself to the limits?
Once they reached the room, the animal thing Anthy kept immediately started sqwaking. Juri shut her eyes, trying to block the sound. Ignoring it as best she could she moved to the bathroom to clean up a little after the duel.
Her hand stopped on the doornob. Wait. The blood. Well she’d have to clean it up eventaully. Closing her eyes she opened the door cautiously.
The room was spotless. Juri couldn’t decide whether to frown or smile. It was nice of her to clean it up, saved Juri the trouble. But she hadn’t wanted her to over extend herself. She glanced at the now pristine shower, the warm water would make her injury more bearable. Tempting But if she showered now she’d never get to ths hospital, and she did want to see Ruka.
Juri stepped out of the bathroom and reflexively ducked. What was that? She had sworn she had seen the shadow of something fly by her head…Another shadow, she dodged, did a bird get in somehow? It didn’t seem to have that kind of substance… a bat, perhaps?
A cold shiver moved up her back as she looked across the room. Scanning the walls, her eyes widened in shock and disbelief. Time stood still a moment, as it did often in horror movies. Swallowing with some difficulty, Juri closed her eyes to attempt to remain calm. She was having a nightmare. She would open her eyes and the world would return to something like normalcy.
Slowly she half opened her eyes, peering at the room cautiously through the mesh of her eyelids. If she were truly asleep in bed, why was she standing up? Why was her heart racing?
She couldn’t wake up.
Swords.
Deep dark black shadows of swords. Ghost swords.
Hundreds of swords.
Thousands of swords.
Millions of swords?
Their cruciform shadows traced paths over the ceiling, the floor, the walls, converging like a swarm of insects on the couch. She watched with a sort of fixated terror as the swords snaked like a dark flood over the back of the couch and disappeared.
Instinctively Juri flattened herself against the wall. This did little good. A muffled shriek escaped her lips as the shadow of a sword traced right over her shaking body, the darkness molding itself to her form before continuing its path across the wall. It wasn’t doing any good to stay here.
Staggering away from the wall, she stumbled close enough to the couch to peer over the back, terrified of what she might find. Her eyes widened further.
The Bride lay there, hair strewn about her in a disheveled tangle, eyes squeezed shut in utter agony. The shadows of the swords sunk into her body and dissipated, to be immediately replaced by more shadows from all sides. And Anthy was writhing, twitching, as though struggling against invisible torments and bonds. Nothing visible kept her there but it seemed as though the weight of the world pressed on her, she could barely move at all without another gasp of pain torn from her clenched lips. She seemed oblivious to Juri’s presence, to anything in fact except her unseen tortures.
Forcing herself to breathe on a regular basis, Juri came closer, fighting nausea at seeing the shadows of the swords washing over her more and more the with every step. Finally her trembling fingers grasped the back of the couch.
“Anthy…” she whispered, pity and horror weaving together in the word. The Bride’s eyes ripped open, there was the hatred shinning naked again in the empty green depths, immediately swallowed by an ocean of regret. She struggled to sit up, Juri waved her back down.
“No, no. Don’t move. Don’t try to move,” she said, the tone would sound firm and soothing if her voice weren’t shaking so horribly. “Just…tell me what is happening. Tell me what I can do.” It wasn’t a dream. Juri couldn’t believe it wasn’t, but it wasn’t. And she had to do something.
***
They had swarmed on her like locusts the moment she fell to them, eyes closed. She had hoped to distance her mind from it all but it was difficult, there was never a break in the searing agony and if she did have a moment to think it was only in memories of that day…
She had her pain now…but it was too much…all she could feel was pain and she knew that in time she would get used to the pain and it would become numbing again…and then it would start all over again.
Though her eyes were closed she could see a mask of red and could see the shadows moving over her, felt their metal kisses and calls to the sword of Dios. They were still looking for the Prince, wanted him…hated her. She was the moon that continuously eclipsed the sun. She constantly frustrated their plans…
ChuChu could only watch sadly as his mistress writhed in her hidden pain, her hand ripping at the blouse and snapping off the first two buttons as she struggled for breath.
Witch….
That was the only thing that she heard other then the searing screeching sound of metal. They whispered it to her as they moved around the room and over her.
Witchwitchwitch….
Witchwitchwitch…
Witch…
Witch…
“Anthy…”
The new sound called to her and her eyes snapped open to meet the new adversary…none of them dared to address her by name. Witch was her title…they said it in fear and in hatred…
The hate that she felt in return for theirs faded and was replaced with horror and regret. Juri. She…No! She had left! Anthy could have sworn that she had left…this was not something that she was supposed to see…none of them were…
No…
She did her best to pretend nothing was wrong. She tried to ignore the fear and pity in Arisugawa’s eyes. She didn’t want it. Juri didn’t understand…didn’t understand that she deserved this, that she had to do this else….else…he would suffer. Instead she tried to sit up which caused blades to twist and turn within her and she felt as if the breath had been knocked from her.
“No, no. Don’t move. Don’t try to move,” Juri instructed her and she obeyed easily, falling back and catching her breath as she had only the night before. She didn’t think she had ever heard such tones in the orange haired woman’s voice.
“Just…tell me what is happening. Tell me what I can do.”
Anthy was hesitant to do so, but it was an order wasn’t it, and she had promised to answer questions. Damn it all…
She wondered if she could even speak right now, some had lodged themselves in her throat though most had found the Sword of Dios and settled around it again. It was as if when it was pulled for the duel it had sent the swords of hate scattering and they were returning to her. Had her hold on life been that thin then?
She looked at Juri who had since resituated herself, kneeling now by the couch, so afraid…so helpless…and…oddly innocent in comparison. They all were really. Innocent little children who had no idea what they had gotten into and she pitied them, she really did. To live in such ignorance…ignorance that inspired fear…and fear that incited hate…
“There,” she experimented with her voice and it came out strained and raspy, “is nothing…you can do.” She answered, looking Juri directly in the eyes. A new wave of swords and she bit her lower lip until a droplet of blood rolled from it. She abhorred this…to show so much to her victor but she could not do other wise, the pain was too immense, it swallowed her whole just as the numbness had and it was a moment before she could speak again.
“Have you…ever wondered what hatred looks like?” she asked Juri. The girl looked at her a bit confused but Anthy didn’t immediately blame her. “This is what looks like…” she took several heaving breaths and felt her leg spasm, “Just as your soul is manifest in sword…so is the rest of the world.”
She seemed to understand more…the fact that the soul manifested to sword and that they were hate filled was a simpler concept then why they were after her. “You have looked at me with this hatred before,” she explained, “Hatred born of…fear and…and of resentment and you lashed out with your hand. These swords…” she hesitated and turned her eyes to the ceiling, watching them, “They are…how the world lashes out…”
A harsh laugh broke past her moist lips after a long moment, “You’ve stumbled onto the secret of the Rose Bride…Juri-sama.” She looked at her again, those eyes…“Don’t look at me like that. I am no cursed princess to be pitied and freed…I am an imprisoned witch…to be feared and hated…despised.” She said this almost defiantly. She was the witch who dared to oppose them…and so they attacked her now like a child having a tantrum.
Shakily she raised her bandaged arm, “My…moment of weakness and they celebrate it. They conquered me,” the hand fell, “that is why they are here now…do not worry, they will not touch you. They should be gone by the time you get back from visiting Tsuchiya-san so they will not haunt you much longer.”
Already they were slowing…it would not be much longer before they settled within her. Her eyes slid shut and heated breath pushed past her lips. Didn’t it say somewhere that the only difference between pleasure and pain was in perception?
***
It was some seconds before the Bride could even attempt to speak. Juri knelt at the edge of the couch and waited impatiently for an explanation, both her thoughts and her pulse racing. How? How was this even possible in a rational world? Juri rubbed at her eyes, still hoping it would all go away. Still the shadows of the swords slipped over her and into the Bride.
“There,” even her voice sounded metallic, rusty. “is nothing…you can do.” Nothing? The Bride met her gaze and held it, a different light in her eyes. Substance, even if it was pain. The Bride’s teeth clenched on her mouth, and a live red bead sparkled on her lip. Juri couldn’t fathom pain that intense, how could she keep it so bottled up, even now?
“Have you…ever wondered what hatred looks like?” Juri stared at her, puzzled. Hate? Hate was an emotion, a concept. It wasn’t physical. “This is what looks like…”the Bride gasped for breath, her left leg twitched. Trying not to shake so much Juri focused on her words. “Just as your soul is manifest in sword…so is the rest of the world.”
So these were the soul swords of people who felt hatred? No wonder there were so many, surely there was a lot of hate in the world. “You have looked at me with this hatred before,” Juri watched the blood drop on the Bride’s lip tremble and run down her chin at the words. “Hatred born of…fear and…and of resentment and you lashed out with your hand. These swords.” Juri followed her gaze tracing the ceiling and shuddered. She was getting dizzy, watching the sword shadows spin and dive. “They are…how the world lashes out…”
Silence and then rattling laughter from the Bride’s throat, the sound of ravens dying. A shudder traveled all the way up Juri’s spine at the psychotic sound and she drew back slightly. “You’ve stumbled onto the secret of the Rose Bride…Juri-sama.” These swords, this torture; that was the secret? Again those doomed eyes. “Don’t look at me like that. I am no cursed princess to be pitied and freed…I am an imprisoned witch…to be feared and hated…despised.” She expected it? Wanted this punishment even?
With great effort the Bride raised the arm she had cut open the night before. “My…moment of weakness and they celebrate it. They conquered me, that is why they are here now…do not worry, they will not touch you. They should be gone by the time you get back from visiting Tsuchiya-san so they will not haunt you much longer.” So matter of fact about it all.
“They haunt you, not me,” Juri corrected quickly. Closing her eyes she struggled with herself. All of her instincts were screaming at her to get up and run away as fast as she could. Her stomach lurched violently in agreement.
“I can’t just leave you here like this,” she whispered at last, making herself acknowledge it. She had a responsibility here. Juri reached out with her fingers to wipe the blood off of Anthy’s chin but stopped and withdrew her hand. Touching her might hurt more.
Leaning forward slightly despite waves of revulsion, she said, “I had no idea…we had no idea what you go through.” She wasn’t human, not truly, not with this struggle. “Why didn’t you say anything before?” It would have made things easier to reconcile.
Juri watched the shadows fly a moment. “You were injured, you were weak. I knew I shouldn’t have asked you to duel today.” The silence hung a moment, heavy in the air shredded by shadows. You’d think their would be noise, metal grinding. Nothing but silence.
“So they come at you all the time like this? Only usually you fight them off?” She kept her eyes on the shadows, as sickening as they were they were less sickening than the Bride’s convulsing body.
“But….” It was so hard to believe! How could this happen? But still the swords flew.
“Why are they attracted to you?” Juri looked at her. Narrowed her eyes. Juri remembered that day, she had hated her. The Bride knew. All her secrets. “You bring this on yourself in part. I wouldn’t have struck you if you hadn’t taunted me with the orange rose. Why do you ask to be despised and hated, and rebel against anything else?” She bucked hard enough at being treated kindly, that was for sure. Juri gestured at the shadows, a claustrophobic feeling, all this darkness flooding in. “Why do you call them?”
***
Anthy’s eyes slid shut a moment while Juri tried to comprehend what was happening around her. It didn’t surprise her that the other woman was taking a moment, she was a skeptic after all…what was being presented to her was something that she would never have thought could exist.
“I can’t just leave you here like this,” she said, her voice soft and still tinged with fear. She was brave, Anthy gave her that much. She wouldn’t have blamed her if the girl had burst into screams and run from her. Some of her champions had during the final duel…they were horrified and disgusted…why bother saving a freak? Through green slits she could see Juri’s hand reaching towards her and drawing back, as if she were afraid to touch her. She wouldn’t break though. A touch…it would not make things worse. The near touch made her long for Akio. Very rarely did she have to go through this without him and his soothing pets helped her to forget her pain…as much as she could forget such pain.
“I had no idea…we had no idea what you go through.” Well of course not! They weren’t supposed to know. Anthy worried what Akio might say to this. Juri knew. Anthy feared that she might tell the others. It would change things drastically.
She half listened to Juri’s mutterings, guilt tinged words and half regrets about making her duel. But she hadn’t. Anthy had agreed…though she knew she was fool to, but to fall even more to the swords…to duel was to challenge them again, even her own wounds would not defeat her.
“So they come at you all the time like this?” Juri asked her. Anthy opened her eyes to study her. “Only usually you fight them off?” She closed her eyes again. Basic questions of course, ones that she did not want to answer. Her hand went to her chest a moment as the swords focused and more entered her, violating her violently and she longed to discard the blouse, her body felt hot and the cloth irritated her.
“Why are they attracted to you?”
Anthy forced her eyes open again to see Juri’s narrowed and suspicious eyes as she explained how Anthy had brought the hatred upon herself with the orange rose. But just because Anthy had incited it didn’t mean that Juri had to react. Juri could have ignored her. It was her choice to hate her.
“Why do you ask to be despised and hated, and rebel against anything else? Why do you call them?”
All the questions hit painful memories, memories as painful as the blades themselves. Why did she call the swords to her…why did she desire the hatred of others? She stared at the wall, thinking, wondering how she could answer, the swords interfering with her thought processes so that she couldn’t focus properly.
“I don’t ask for it,” she said finally, her voice bitter, “Never in the beginning did I ask for it. But I was all wrong…the world saw me as wrong and nothing in the world could save me.” More jagged trembling breaths burst past her lips. “I committed the ultimate sin and I pay for it dearly…in this…you see there was…” how to tell it. She could not link Akio to it, but Juri wanted explanation, “there was a man. Everyone loved him, they worshiped him and he spent his life helping them, answering they’re cries…” she began to shake partly from the memories and partly from the pain, as if her speaking of it incited the anger of the swords even more.
“I wanted him…but he would not come to me. He went to everyone else…I was defiant of the society I was a witch and no princess and he would not have anything to do with me. In my own hatred I tricked him…and I stole his light. I stole him from the world. They would suffer his absence just as I did…but it went wrong…and they attacked me and damned me. Might say I was changed from Lilith to Eve…subject to the whim of the world.” What she told Juri…she could not tell her what really happened. She had to be the stronger but she was in no way noble. If she had to suffer this she wanted to do so because she truly did deserve it…and not because she was noble…Nobility was what nearly killed Dios after all…Nobility was nonsense…
“They aren’t attracted to me…they seek me. They hunt me down…always…they are merely worse today, they want to see me fall.” A small cry crossed her lips though she forced it back as much as she could, “Everything I suffer is deserved.”
***
Sweat was dripping slowly down the Bride’s face. “I don’t ask for it,” she seemed to snap with more emotion thanJ Juri had ever heard in her voice. “Never in the beginning did I ask for it.” But now she did? What was she trying to say? The Bride continued, speaking in gradoise terms about the world and wrongs. But it wasn’t concrete, it wasn’t anything Juri could grasp and say she understood. Her words seemed very far away, out of reach. As she went, Himemiya’s breathing became more and more labored with each word that passed her lips. “I committed the ultimate sin and I pay for it dearly…in this…you see there was…” She seemed to fish for words, “there was a man. Everyone loved him, they worshiped him and he spent his life helping them, answering they’re cries…” Juri’s forehead wrinkled in confusion. What? All this suffering over a man? Just one person, all these swords?
“I wanted him…but he would not come to me. He went to everyone else…I was defiant of the society I was a witch and no princess and he would not have anything to do with me. In my own hatred I tricked him…and I stole his light.” The Victor’s eyes widened. Stole the light… did she mean she killed him? Juri just stared through her without truly looking at the swords anymore. This was it? This was the crux of the power to revolutionize the world? A jealous, spurned girl pining for a man? “I stole him from the world. They would suffer his absence just as I did…but it went wrong…and they attacked me and damned me. Might say I was changed from Lilith to Eve…subject to the whim of the world.” Lilith…Eve. Biblical references. There had to be more than what she was telling, other wise this seemed much too simple a story for such a gruesome punishment.
“They aren’t attracted to me…they seek me. They hunt me down…always…they are merely worse today, they want to see me fall. Everything I suffer is deserved.”
Juri looked at her with a mixture of confusion and worry. What on earth was she trying to express without saying it directly?
“It’s getting worse isn’t it.” The Bride’s nails had dug deep gouges in the cushions, and she was fighting back screams with every breath. Juri took out a handkerchief and mopped the sweat beading on the Bride’s forehead. “The way you tell it, this still seems unfair to you.” The Bride had told her not to pity her, but how could she not? Said she deserved it. But no one…no one deserved this constant hell.
Juri drew a shakey breath, it was just too much to take in. She felt lightheaded again and she hoped she wasn’t going to faint. Maybe she was too overwhelmed to focus on it? Desperately she clawed at her consciousness and tried to make the Bride’s words make sense. But no matter how clear headed she tried to force herself to be, Himemiya’s words still were mostly meaningless.
“You don’t ask for it but you feel you deserve it? Isn’t that the same thing? I…” she shook her head “ I can’t believe what you say, Anthy. You phrase it like a fairy tale, witches and princesses. But the swords” Juri shifted her gaze to the shadows, “come from people. And many, many people are jealous in this world, and many of them act rashly and spitefully when they cannot get what they want.” Juri swallowed, she could think of several examples herself. “But they do not go through anything like this. Do you mean to tell me the hatred of all the world is focused on you because of this? Because you were selfish for one instant? This seems an extreme penance. The world, as vengeful as it is, gives cold blooded killers more mercy than this. It doesn’t add up. Who is..was…this man that you deserve a punishment like this?”