[Central Perk]
Rachel: OK, OK, I checked, we have Earl Grey, English Breakfast,
Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and er,
oh wait, there was one more, erm, Lemon Soother!
Customer: (Looking Blank)
Rachel: You’re not the guy who asked for the tea, are you? .... OK.
[Opening Titles]
[Central Perk. Rachel behind bar, Monica enters...]
Monica: Mail call. Rachel Green. Bunk 7.
Rachel: Thank you...Oh cool. Free sample of coffee.
Monica: Oh good, ‘cos where else would we get any?
Rachel: Oh. Right.... Oh great.
Monica: What is it?
Rachel: Country club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement
notices for inspiration.... Oh my god... Oh my god, it’s
Barry and Mindy!
Monica: Barry who you almost...?
Rachel: Barry who I almost...
Monica: And Mindy your maid of...?
Rachel: Mindy my maid of...
Monica: Let me see... That’s Mindy? Wow, she is pretty....
lucky.... to have had a friend like you!
[Rachel, Ross & Marcel in Rachel’s apartment]
Ross: Marcel, bring me the rice! Come on! Bring me the rice! Come on!
Good boy! Good boy! Come on, give me the rice!.... Thank you.
Good boy! Ah I see he’s finally mastered the difference
between "bring me the" and "pee in the".... "Bring me the"
and... Rache?
Rachel: What?
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: Oh! I’m sorry. Oh. This is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry
up, right?
Ross: Mmm.
Rachel: I should be happy for them.... I am. I’m happy for them.
Ross: Really?
Rachel: No.... Oh.... Oh, I guess it’d be different if I were,
with somebody.
Ross: Whoa. What, er, what happened to, er, "forget relationships",
"I’m done with men", the whole, er, penis embargo?
Rachel: Oh. I don’t know. I guess it’s not about "no guys", it’s
about the "right guy" you know?
Ross: Mmm.
Rachel: I mean with Barry, it was, it was safe, and it was easy, but
there was no heat.
Ross: Mmm.
Rachel: You know with Paulo, that all there was, was heat. I, I mean
it was just this raw, animal, sexual...
Ross: Right, right. I, I got it. I was there.
Rachel: Ah. I mean, do you think you can ever have both? You know,
someone who’s, like, who’s like your best friend, but
then also can make your toes curl?
Ross: Yes, yes, yes. Yes! Yes! I do! I really do! Er, in fact, it’s
funny. Very often, someone who you wouldn’t think could,
could, curl your toes, might just be the one who, er, who...
[Monica, Phoebe, Chandler & Joey enter the apartment]
Monica: Hi!
Ross: ...gets interrupted! Hi!
Rachel: Hey guys, how was the movie?
Phoebe: Oh, it was so good.
Monica: Wonderful.
Joey: Suckfest!
Chandler: Total chick-flick!
Phoebe: I’m sorry it wasn’t one of those movies with, like, you
know, like guns and bombs and like buses going really fast.
Joey: Hey. I don’t need violence to enjoy a movie, just so long as
there’s a little nudity.
Monica: There was nudity!
Joey: I meant female nudity! Alright, I don’t need to see Lou Grant
frolicking!
Monica and Phoebe: Hugh! Hugh Grant!
Ross: Alright. I’ve gotta go. Come on Marcel, come on. Yeah, we’re
gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren’t we? Yes we are!
Chandler: They’re still just friends, right?
Rachel: And I will see you tomorrow!
Ross: That’s right, you’re gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel’s,
aren’t you? Huh?
Monica: Huh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
Ross: Pwease Aunt Monica, Pwease! Oh. Unclench. You’re not even
gonna be here!
[Ross, Chandler & Joey in a pizza place]
Chandler: You know, I cannot believe we are even having this
discussion.
Joey: I agree. I’m, like, in disbelief.
Chandler: I mean, don’t you think if things were gonna happen with
Rachel, they would have, happened already?
Ross: I’m telling you, she said she’s looking for a relationship
with someone exactly like me.
Joey: She really said that?
Ross: Well, I added the "exactly like me" part, but she said she’s
looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
Joey: Tonight, tonight?
Ross: Well, I think it’s perfect, you know, it’s just gonna be the
two of us, she’s spent all day taking care of my monkey...
Chandler: I can’t remember the last time I got a girl to take
care of my monkey.
Joey: (Laughs)
Ross: Anyway, you know, I figured after work, I’d go pick up a
bottle of wine, go over there, and, er, try to woo her.
Chandler: Hey. You know what you should do? You should take her
back to the 1890’s when that phrase was last used.
[Rachel & Marcel in the apartment]
TV: You keep this up honey, and I swear, you’ll be finished with
this sucker by the end of the week.
Rachel: Now, now the one in the feather boa, that’s Dr.Francis,
now she used to be a man. OK? Oh look see, now there’s Raven.
We hate her. We’re glad she’s dying. An... Wh... M... Marcel?
Are you playing with Monica’s shoes? You know you’re not
supposed to p...Whoa! Whoa! Marcel? Did you poo in the shoe?
Oh my god. Bad, bad. Oh god. Oh. Sorry Barry. A little
engagement gift. I’m sure you didn’t register for that!
[Rachel takes the pooped Engagement Notices out to the trash. Marcel
makes a hasty exit through the door]
TV: (Gunshot)
Rachel (Running back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over. Oh come
on, roll him over. Oh! Well, we know it wasn’t Dexter, right
Marcel? Because... Marcel? Marcel? Marc... (Sees the open door!)
[Monica, Rachel, Chandler and Joey in the apartment]
Joey: How could you loose him?
Rachel: I don’t know, I don’t know, we were watching TV, and then he
pooped in Monica’s shoe...
Monica: Wait... He pooped in my shoe? Which one?
Rachel: I don’t know... The left one.
Monica: Which ones?
Rachel: Oh, oh, those little clunkly Amish things you think go with
everything.
[Phoebe enters...]
Phoebe: Hey, hi. Whoa, oh, why is the air in here so negative?
Chandler: Rachel lost Marcel.
Phoebe: Oh no, how?
Monica: He, he pooped in my shoe.
Phoebe: Which one?
Monica: Those cute little black ones I wear all the time.
Phoebe: No. Which one? The right or left? Cos the left one is lucky...
Rachel: Come on you guys, what am I going to do? What are we going to
do?
Joey: Alright, alright, alright, you’re a monkey, you’re loose in the
city... Where do you go?
Chandler: OK. It’s his first time out, so he’s probably gonna want
to do some of the touristy things... I’ll go to Cats,
you go to the Russian tea-room.
Rachel: Oh my god. Come on you guys. He’s gonna be home any minute.
He’s gonna kill me.
Monica: OK. We’ll start with the building. You guys take the first
and second floor, Phoebe and I will take third and fourth.
Rachel: Wha, wha, wh, what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
Monica: OK. You stay here. You just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol
in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.
Rachel: Does anybody wanna trade? Oh.
[Monica & Phoebe in the corridor]
Monica: (Knocks on Heckles’ door)
Heckles: What do you want?
Monica: Mr.Heckles. Our, our friends lost a monkey. Have you seen it?
Heckles: I left a Belgian waffle out here. Did you take it?
Monica: No!
Phoebe: Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
Heckles: I wasn’t ready for it.
Monica: The monkey? Have you seen a monkey?
Heckles: Saw Regis Philbin once...
Phoebe: OK. Thank you Mr.Heckles
Heckles: (Monica & Phoebe walk away) You owe me a waffle.
[Rachel in the apartment]
Rachel: (On the phone) OK. He’s a, he’s a black Capuchin monkey,
with a white face...
(Ross enters...)
Rachel: ...with, with Russian dressing, and pickles on the side. OK.
Thanks... Hi!
Ross: Hi. Hey, how did it go today?
Rachel: Oh, great! It went great. Really great... Hey! Is that
wine?
Ross: Yeah, yeah. You, er, you want some?
Rachel: Oh, I would love some, but you know what? You know what?
Let’s not drink it here... I’m feeling kinda crazy. You
wanna go to Newark?
Ross: Er... OK... Yeah. We can do that, but before we head off to
the murder capital of the North East, I was, er, kinda wanted
to run something by you... You know how we were, er, you know,
talking before, about, er, relationships and stuff, well...
(pulls the cork out the bottle)
Rachel: Oh god, Ross. I cannot do this...
Ross: OK. Quick and painful. (Puts cork back in bottle)
Rachel: Oh god. OK. Alright, alright. OK. Ross, please don’t hate
me...
Ross: No, why? What, what?
Rachel: Ah. You know Marcel?
Ross: Yeah?
Rachel: Well, I, kinda , kind of lost him...
(View from outside the window. Ross is shouting and wildly
gesturing. Zoom out to see Marcel on the balcony, eating a banana!)
[Ross and Rachel in the apartment]
Ross: I, I, I can’t, I can’t believe this. I mean, all I asked
you to do was keep him in the apartment.
Rachel: I know, I know, I’m sorry...
Ross: No, no. You know what? I guess it’s partially my fault, you
know, I shouldn’t have asked you to, er, start off with a
monkey. I should have started you off with, like, a pen or
a pencil.
Rachel: Ross. I’m doing everything that I can. I’ve got everybody
looking for him, and then I...
Intercom: BZZZZZ
Rachel: Who is it?
Intercom: Animal Control.
Rachel: See, I’ve even got Animal Control...
Ross: You’ve called Animal Control?
Rachel: Uh-huh. Why? Do you not like them?
Ross: Huh! Marcel is an illegal exotic animal. I’m not allowed to
have him in the city. If they find him, they’ll take him away
from me...
Rachel: OK. Well, now, see, you never ever ever told us that...
Ross: That’s right, cos I didn’t expect you were gonna invite them
to the apartment!
(Door knocks. Rachel answers...)
Rachel: Hi! Thanks for coming!
AC: Somebody called about a monkey?
Rachel: Oh. Oh yeah! You know what? That was a complete misunderstanding.
Ross: Yeah. We, we thought we had a monkey, but we didn’t.
Rachel: It turned out it was a hat!
Ross: Cat!
Rachel: Cat! What did I say? Cat.
(Monica & Phoebe rush in)
Monica: Hi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one’s seen
Marcel.
AC: Marcel?
Ross: My uncle Marcel...
Phoebe: Oh, is that who the monkey’s named after?
AC: OK. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, er,
punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the
animal?
Phoebe: Oh my god. You’d put that poor little creature in jail?
Monica: Phoebes? You remember how we talked about saying things
quietly to yourself first?
Phoebe: Yes, but there isn’t always time...
Monica: Look. I’m sure there’s some friendly way to reconcile this.
Erm, have a seat. First of all, we haven’t been introduced.
I, I’m Monica Geller...
AC: Oh my god, you are! And you’re Rachel Green!
Rachel: Yeah!
AC: Louisa Jeanette. Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in, in
homeroom!
Rachel: Louisa? Oh my god! Monica! It’s Louisa!
Monica: Louisa! From homeroom!
Rachel: Yes!
Louisa: You have no idea who I am, do you?
Rachel: No.
Monica: Not at all.
Louisa: Well. Maybe that’s because you spent four years ignoring me.
I mean, would it have been so hard to say "Morning Louisa"
or "nice overalls"?
Monica: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Louisa: Nah. It’s not so much you. You were fat. You had your own
problems... But you! What a bitch!
Rachel: WHAT?
Monica: Alright, you know what? Be that as it may, you think you
could help us out here on that monkey thing? You know,
just for old time’s sake? "Go Bobcats!"
Louisa: I could... but I won’t. If I find that monkey...
He’s mine!
Phoebe: Dun, dun, dun... Sorry.
[Joey and Chandler in the corridor]
Chandler: Marcel?
Joey: Marcel?
Chandler: Marcel?
Joey: Marcel?
(Chandler Knocks on a door. Beautiful woman answers...)
BW1: Hi. Can I help you?
Chandler: !
Joey: !
Chandler: Er, we’re kind of having an emergency, and we were, er,
looking for something.
Joey: A monkey.
Chandler: Yes. Have you seen any?
BW1: No. No. Haven’t seen a monkey. Do you know anything about
fixing radiators?
Joey: Sure, sure. Did you, er, did you try turning the knob back
the other way?
BW1: Of course.
Joey: Ah, then, no.
(Another beautiful woman arrives at the door...)
BW2: Taste this... Is there too much rum in here?
BW1: Just a sec. I hope you find your monkey...
Chandler: Oh, no, wait, wait, no, wait, wait. Erm, we may not know
anything about radiators, per se, but we do have a certain
amount of expertise in the heating and cooling milieu...
Joey: Er, aren’t we kind of in the middle of something here?
Chandler: Yes, but these women are very hot, and they need our
help... And they’re very hot!
Joey: We can’t, alright? Huh, we’re sorry. You have no idea how
sorry, but we promised we’d find this monkey. If you see
him, he’s about yay high, and answers to the name Marcel,
so, if we could get some pictures of you, you’d really be
helping us out!
(Women slam door!)
Chandler: OK. From now on, you don’t get to talk to other people.
Joey: Marcel!
Chandler: Marcel!
[Monica and Phoebe in the basement]
Monica: Marcel?
Phoebe: Marcel?
Monica: Marcel?
Phoebe: Oh my god! (Monica screams). Something just brushed up
against my right leg!
Monica: What is it?
Phoebe: Oh, oh. It’s OK! It was just my left leg.
(They see Marcel in the corner...)
Monica: Look, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Oh, Marcel, come here. Oh come here Marcel...
(Louisa enters...)
Louisa: Step aside ladies...
Monica: What are you gonna do?
Louisa: Just a small tranquilliser...
(Cue wakka wakka music. Slow motion sequence of Phoebe jumping to
save Marcel. Louisa fires...)
Monica: Run Marcel! Run! Run Marcel!
Louisa: Damn (Runs after Marcel)
Monica: Are you OK?
Phoebe: Yes, huh, I think so. I just... Oh! (Pulls tranq dart out of
her ass)... Huh!... Whoa! (Collapses into Monica’s arms!)
[Cut scene. Marcel wanders down a corridor, and is picked up by an
unknown pair of arms...]
[Ross and Rachel searching for Marcel in the street]
Ross: Marcel!
Rachel: Marcel!
Ross: Marcel! Ah, this is ridiculous. We’ve been all over the
neighbourhood. He’s gone. He’s, he’s just gone.
Rachel: Oh, Ross, you don’t know that.
Ross: Oh, come on. It’s cold, it’s dark. He doesn’t know the
village... (he kicks a sign)... And now I have a broken foot!
Thank you very much!
Rachel: Ross, you know, I’ve said I’m sorry, like, a million times.
What do you want me to do? Huh? What do you want, you want
me to break my foot too? Is that it? OK, here, I’m gonna
break my foot, right now, there... (kicks sign)... Ow! Oh
god, oh my god! There, are you happy now?
Ross: Yeah. Yeah. You know, now that you kicked the sign, hey, I
don’t miss Marcel any more!
Rachel: You know? It’s not like I did this on purpose...
Ross: No, no, no. No, no. This is just vintage "Rachel". I mean,
things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you’re off in
"Rachel Land", doing your "Rachel Thing", totally oblivious
to people’s monkeys, or to peoples feelings, and you...
Rachel: Ross.
Ross: I don’t even want to hear it... No you’re always...
Rachel: Ross!
Ross: Oh, forget it, OK?
Rachel: ROSS!
Ross: What, what, what?
(Rachel points out a delivery man, with a large box of bananas!)
Rachel: Hey!
Ross: Hey! Bananaman!
[Ross, Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel outside Heckles’
door. Ross is holding the box of bananas. He knocks on the door...]
Phoebe: Oh. This is so intense. One side of my butt is totally
asleep, and the other side has no idea!
(Heckles answers the door...)
Ross: Hi! Did you order some bananas?
Heckles: What about it?
Ross: Give me my monkey back!
Heckles: I don’t have a monkey.
Rachel: Then what’s with all the bananas?
Heckles: Potassium.
(Marcel-esque sounds emerge from Heckles’ apartment... Everyone
piles in through the door...)
Ross: Marcel? Marcel? OK. Where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?
(Marcel appears, in a rather fetching pink dress...)
Ross: Marcel! What have you done to him?
Heckles: That’s my monkey. That’s Patty. Patty the Monkey.
Ross: Are you insane? Come here Marcel, come on.
Heckles: Come on Patty.
Ross: Come here Marcel.
Heckles: Come here Patty.
Louisa: Here monkey! Here monkey! Here monkey! (Marcel runs into the
cage. Louisa slams it shut). Gotcha!
Ross: OK. Give me my monkey back!
Heckles: That’s my monkey.
Louisa: You’re both gonna have to take this up with the judge.
Heckles: That’s not my monkey. Just the dress is mine. You can send
it back whenever.
Ross: Alright. I want my monkey!
Louisa: No!
Rachel: Oh, come on, Louisa.
Louisa: Sorry Prom Queen.
Ross: You had to be a bitch in high school. You couldn’t have been
fat!
Rachel: Alright, look, OK. In high school, I was the Prom Queen, and
I was the Homecoming Queen, and the class president, and
you... were also there. If you take this monkey, I will
loose one of the most important people in my life. You can
hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. Come on
Louisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here.
Take it!
Louisa: ... No!
Rachel: Alright. Well then how about I call your supervisor and I
tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart?
[Ross, Rachel and Marcel in the apartment]
Ross: Hey, It’ll be nice to get this off finally, won’t it? Yes it...
or we can leave it on for now. That’s fine...
Rachel: You know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a
great little outfit!
Ross: Listen. I’m... I’m sorry I was so hard on you before, you know,
I just...
Rachel: Oh Ross, come on. No, no, it was my fault. I almost lost
your...
Ross: No, no. Yeah, but you were the one who got him back, you know,
you, you, you were great... Hey, we, er, we still have that,
er, that bottle of wine... You in the mood for something grape?
Rachel: Sure. That’ll be good.
Ross: Alright. Er (Gets wine, glasses, and turns down the lights......
The, er, the neighbours must be vacuuming! Well, er, so long as
we’re here, and, er, not on the subject, erm, I was thinking
about, er, how mad we got at each other... before... and,
erm, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we,
er, how we...
(Barry barges in...)
Barry: Rachel!
Rachel: Barry?
Barry: I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t marry Mindy. I think I’m still
in love with you...
Rachel: !
Ross: !... We have got to start locking that door!
[Monica, Chandler, Joey & Phoebe in Central Perk...]
Monica: This is me in "The Sound of Music"... You see the Von-Trapp
kids?
Phoebe: No.
Monica: That’s because I’m in front of them!
Chandler: Wow. I thought that was an Alp!
Monica: Well, high school was not my favourite time.
Joey: I don’t know. I loved high school. You know, it was just,
like, four years of parties, and dating, and sex...
Chandler: Yeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred
boys. Any sex I had would have involved a major lifestyle
choice!
Monica: Doesn’t it seem like a million years ago?.....
Phoebe: Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, my butt cheek is waking up! Oh!
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