[The whole gang is walking to a news-stand at night, Joey anxiously
in the lead.]
RACHEL: Joey, would you slow down, they're not gonna be sold out of
papers at one o'clock in the morning.
JOEY: I'm excited, I've never gotten reviewed before.
MONICA: You were so amazing as the king, I was really impressed,
I was.
PHOEBE: Although, you know what. You might want to consider wearing
underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your
throne you could kind of see your. . . royal subject.
JOEY: Here it is, here it is. [reads] The only thing worse than the
mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's
disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.
CHANDLER: OK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Phoebs read
yours.
PHOEBE: OK. [reads] The only thing worse than the mindless,
adolescent direction. . .
CHANDLER: Does anyone have one from a different paper? Ross,
read yours.
ROSS: I don't want to.
RACHEL: Joey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.
ROSS: Yeah.
JOEY: Maybe they do. I've been doin' this ten years and I haven't
gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
ROSS: Oh c'mon, maybe your just, uhh, your just paying your dues.
JOEY: NO, no, no, it, it's too hard. It's not worth it, I quit.
MONICA: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute, wait a minute.
I believe this will change your mind. [reads] In a
mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve
brilliant new levels of. . . continued on page 153, sucking.
Credits
[Scene: Chandler, Phoebe, and Rachel comforting Joey at Monica and
Rachel's apartment.]
JOEY: When I was little I wanted to be a veteranarian, but then
I found out you had to put your hands into cows and stuff.
[Ross enters, obviously not in a good mood]
ROSS: Hhiii.
PHOEBE: Are, are you OK?
ROSS: Yeah, yeah, just a tough day at work. A stegasaurus fell over
and trapped a kid. Woah, woah, I know this jacket, this is,
th. . . Fun Bobby's jacket, where is he, what. He, he's
here isn't he?
MONICA: Maybe.
ROSS: Don't toy with me.
[Fun Bobby enters from Monica's bedroom]
FUN BOBBY: Geller!
ROSS: Hey, Fun Bobby!
FUN BOBBY: Hey. Woah, hey, you've been working out, huh?
ROSS: Not at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear
your back with my sister.
MONICA: You and me both.
FUN BOBBY: [walking back to group at table] Hey, so what'd I miss,
what'd I miss, c'mon?
PHOEBE: Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.
FUN BOBBY: Hey, do you need me to pick you up?
JOEY: No, I'm all right man, really.
FUN BOBBY: No, I'm picking you up.
JOEY: Hey, no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me. . . [Fun Bobby
picks Joey up and bounces him. Joey starts laughing] Alright,
it still works.
FUN BOBBY: OK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked
up? [everyone raises thier hands] I'm still gonna go.
MONICA: OK, I'll see ya later babe.
FUN BOBBY: Uh, public display of affection coming up, you can avert
your eyes. [kisses Monica]
[Chandler and Joey continue to look, Rachel turns their heads away
for them]
FUN BOBBY: See ya.
GANG: Bye. See ya. Later
PHOEBE: Fun Bobby is so great.
MONICA: Oh, isn't he? Oh, ya know, I really think this time it may
work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and
I've been feeling so lousy this last couple of months, no
job, no boyfriend. Well, at leas my cup is half full.
PHOEBE: Half full of luuuv.
MONICA: And for our two week anniversary he's gonna take me to his
cousin's cabin for the weekend.
PHOEBE: Cabin of luuuv.
RACHEL: We went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. [holding
five empty bottles]
MONICA: Really? I only had two glasses.
JOEY: I just had a glass.
PHOEBE: Two.
RACHEL: I had one glass.
CHANDLER: I had about a mugfull in this lovely 'I got boned at the
Museum of Natural History' mug.
RACHEL: OK, so that's. . . that's what, two bottles, and yet somehow
we went through five?
[All look towards door where Fun Bobby has just left.]
ROSS: Oooh.
JOEY: [Finally realizes why they're looking towards door] Ohhh.
MONICA: So what. So he drank a lot tonight.
ROSS: Yeah but, you know, now that I think about it I don't think
I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a, a drink in his hand.
PHOEBE: Yeah. Ooh, OOOH, yeah, ya know, did you notice how he always
starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soo wasted,' or,
'Oh, we were soo bombed,' or, umm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up,
and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'
JOEY: Monica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?
MONICA: Well, we just happen to go to a lot of places where you might
drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having
a drink? Or, or to a club, or to the. . . zoo.
[Scene: Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk. Rachel
is serving them.]
MONICA: Rach, does this have nonfat milk?
RACHEL: Ehhumm, I don't know, why don't you taste it.
MONICA: [sips] Mm, no.
RACHEL: Oh, well too late, sorry, you already had some.
FUN BOBBY: Whad'ya say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?
[Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable]
PHOEBE: Um, cake.
RACHEL: Yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna get some cake. [Phoebe and
Rachel go to counter]
MONICA: You know what, it seems like you've been making an awful lot
of stuff Irish lately.
FUN BOBBY: Well, I would make them Belgian but the waffles are hard
to get into that flask.
MONICA: Bobby.
FUN BOBBY: Yeah, OK.
MONICA: Look, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is,
I don't know, but, uh, I'm kind of worried about you.
FUN BOBBY: OK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said
something to me about this but, I don't know, I always
made excuses about it like, uhh, 'I'm just a social
drinker,' or 'C'mon, it's flag day.'
MONICA: So, what are you saying now?
FUN BOBBY: I guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that
you worry about me. [they hug]
PHOEBE: [Phoebe returns with cake] Soo, what's goin on, huh?
FUN BOBBY: I am gonna try and quit drinking?
PHOEBE: Ohh, why?
[Chandler and Joey enter Central Perk]
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
MONICA: Hey.
PHOEBE: Hey.
CHANDLER: Guess who's back in show business.
PHOEBE: Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?
CHANDLER: No, no, Phoebs, you know why? Cause he's dead.
PHOEBE: Oh, no.
CHANDLER: OK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but
Joey that's who.
JOEY: Yeah, my agent just called me with and audition for Days of
Our Lives.
PHOEBE: Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do?
We should do like a soap opera theme.
CHANDLER: Hey, yeah, we could all sleep together and then one of us
could get amnesia.
PHOEBE: Hey, Rach, what time do you get off, we're all gonna do
something tonight.
RACHEL: Uhmm, well actually I'm already done, but I, I kinda got
plans.
MONICA: [gasps] You have other friends?
RACHEL: Yeah, I uhh, I have a, I have a date.
MONICA: What?
JOEY: With a man?
RACHEL: What, what is so strange about me having a date?
JOEY: What about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him cause he
made that list about you?
RACHEL: Noo, no, I'm not mad at him, I'm, I'm not really anything
at him anymore.
MONICA: What are you talking about?
RACHEL: I don't know. Whatever I was feeling, I'm. . . not.
PHOEBE: But you guys came so close.
RACHEL: Oh I know, I'm sorry you guys. You're just gonna have to get
used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.
[Russ enters Central Perk. Russ looks remarkably like Ross
(David Schwimmer in a dual role).]
RACHEL: Here he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.
RUSS: Hhiii.
[Everyone looks at each other in amazement]
[Scene: Estelle Leonard Talent Agency, Estelle speaking on the phone.]
ESTELLE: Stop saying you're not talented, you're very talented.
It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little
act left. Oh honey give me a break will ya. . . [knock at
the door] Ooh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.
[Joey enters]
ESTELLE: Well, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how
was the audition?
JOEY: Well, I think it went pretty well, I, I got a callback for
Thursday.
ESTELLE: Joey, have you ever seen me estatic?
JOEY: No.
ESTELLE: Well, here it is. [attempts a smile]
JOEY: OK, uhh, listen, there's something I want to talk to you
about. The network casting lady. . .
ESTELLE: Oh, isn't Lori a doll?
JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah she's great but. . . I kinda got the feeling
that she was, sort of. . . coming on to me. And I definately
would get the part if I would of, you know. . . if I would
have sent the Little General in.
ESTELLE: Oh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and
we'll find out what's goin' on and straighten it out.
[makes call] Yeah hi, Lori please. Hi darling. So how
'bout Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver,
isn't he terriffic? [pause] Uh-huuh [pause] Uh-huuuuh.
OK doll, talk to you later. [hangs up] Yeah, you're
gonna have to sleep with her.
[Scene: Central Perk, Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler,
and Fun Bobby at couches.]
RACHEL: What's the matter?
MONICA: It's Fun Bobby.
RACHEL: What, isn't he sober?
MONICA: Oh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was
fun for a reason.
RACHEL: Ohhh, OK.
[Monica returns to couch]
MONICA: Alright, here you go sweetie. [hands Fun Bobby his coffee]
FUN BOBBY: Thanks. You wanna here something funny?
MONICA: Oh God yes!
FUN BOBBY: There are no hardware stores open past midnight in the
Village.
PHOEBE: That is funny.
FUN BOBBY: I needed to buy a hammer the other night and I'm
out walkin' around the neighborhood but apparently there
are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
MONICA: Ahh, hey honey, don't you have to be at your interview now?
FUN BOBBY: Oh yeah. See ya guys. [leaves]
CHANDLER: Ridiculously dull Bobby.
MONICA: Oh my God.
PHOEBE: It's not that bad.
MONICA: Not that bad! Did you hear the hammer story?
PHOEBE: Ok, ok, don't get all squinky.
RACHEL: Maybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be
there.
MONICA: But I'm gonna be there. . . for the rest of my life.
I mean, I can't break up with him, I'm the one who made
him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
PHOEBE: Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull,
you just, you know, set it free.
[Russ enters behind Chandler]
RUSS: Hi.
CHANDLER: [turning around] Hey Ross, bahhhh!
RACHEL: Hi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then
we'll go, OK.
RUSS: OK, I'll just sit here and, uh, chat with your, uh. . .
friend type. . . people.
[Phoebe walks up to Rachel who is cleaning tables]
PHOEBE: Rachel, um, hi.
RACHEL: Hi.
PHOEBE: OK. So, you know what you're doing right?
RACHEL: Hu-ahh, waitressing?
PHOEBE: Well yeah, but no. I mean, umm, doesn't, doesn't Russ
just remind you of someone?
RACHEL: Huh, Bob Sagett?
PHOEBE: [looks at Russ] Oh yeah. No, no, no, no, oh, oh.
[Rachel has moved on when Phoebe turns back around. Ross enters
and Phoebe is visibly upset.]
PHOEBE: Oh my oh!
ROSS: What, what's wrong?
PHOEBE: I, OK. . .
MONICA: She's just upset becuase she, uh, she buttered a spider
into her toast this morning.
ROSS: Alright.
CHANDLER: [to Phoebe] Listen Phoebs, this is gonna be OK.
[to Ross and Russ who haven't seen each other] Ross,
Russ, Russ, Ross.
RUSS: Hi.
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Are you a, uh, friend of Rachels?
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachels?
RUSS: Actually I'm a, kind of a, you know a, date type thing. . .
of Rachels.
ROSS: A date.
RUSS: Yeah, I'm her date.
ROSS: Oh, oh you're uh, you're, oh you're the date.
CHANDLER: You know, this is actually good because if we ever
lose Ross, we have a spare.
RUSS: Oh, you are the, uh, paleontologist.
ROSS: Yes, yes I am. And you are a. . .
RUSS: Periodontist.
MONICA: See, now they're as different as night and. . . later
that night.
ROSS: Well, I am going to, uhh, get a beverage. It was nice, nice,
uh, meeting you.
RUSS: Ditto.
[Ross approaches Rachel at counter]
ROSS: I uh, well, I, I met Russ.
RACHEL: Oh.
ROSS: Hey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
RACHEL: Well, we're not seeing each other, so. . .
ROSS: Well, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the
museum who's curator of moths and other, uh. . . winged
things, who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me
much like a. . . well you know. But so far I've been keeping
her at bay but, uh, if this is the deal. . .
RACHEL: Well, yeah, this is the deal.
ROSS: OK, well, um, have a nice evening.
RACHEL: Um, Russ, you ready?
RUSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: Bye.
MONICA: Bye.
PHOEBE: Bye.
[Russ and Rachel leave]
ROSS: She's dating, she's dating.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?
ROSS: Whad'ya mean?
MONICA: Do you not see it?
ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in innn that goober.
And it takes him what like, like, I don't know, uhh-huhh,
hello, a week to get out a sentence.
CHANDLER: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
ROSS: . . . . . . . . . Yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara
sauce and is filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.]
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part or,
uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.
JOEY: Well, the part's mine if I want it.
CHANDLER: Oh my God.
JOEY: Yeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
CHANDLER: Oh my. . . God.
JOEY: Ten years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler,
ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives that's actually on
television.
CHANDLER: So, what're you gonna do?
JOEY: Well, I guess I could sleep with her, I mean. How can I do that?
CHANDLER: Well, I, I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I
need to know.
JOEY: I've never slept with someone for a part.
CHANDLER: Well is she. . . [reaches into the cookie jar and
removes his hand covered in marinara sauce]
JOEY: Sorry.
CHANDLER: It's alright. Is she good looking?
JOEY: Yeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a
bar, or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. You know,
after having slept with her.
CHANDLER: You know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. Ya know,
I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job
and you get to have sex. Ya know, I mean, throw in a
tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.
JOEY: I just, I just don't think that I want it that way though,
ya know. I mean, let's say I do make it, alright, I'm
always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my
talent of because of, ya know, the Little General.
CHANDLER: Didn't you used to call it the Little Major?
JOEY: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco I had to promote it.
[Scene: A restraunt. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.]
WAITER: Can I get you something from the bar?
MONICA: Yes, I would like something. [looks at Fun Bobby] No, no
thank you.
FUN BOBBY: If, if you want to drink it's OK with me, I've got to get
used to it.
MONICA: No, no really, I, I wouldn't feel right about it. Just some
water.
FUN BOBBY: So the light went out in my refrigerator. . .
MONICA: [grabs waiter as he's leaving] I'd like a scotch on the
rocks with a twist.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Ross
and Russ doing a crossword puzzle.]
CHANDLER: Hey, we're having some fun now, huh Ross? Wanna do
another one, huh Russ? OK, eleven letters, atomic
element number 101, ends in ium.
RUSS: Disprosium.
ROSS: Disprosium. Try mendelevium.
CHANDLER: And weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine
down, Knights in White Satin, was sung by the Doody Blues.
[Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter]
PHOEBE: You don't see it? You actually do'n't see it?
RACHEL: What?
PHOEBE: OK honey, you're dating Ross.
RACHEL: No, Phoebs, I'm dating Russ.
PHOEBE: Russ is Ross. Russ Ross.
RACHEL: Steve sleeve.
PHOEBE: OK, no one is named Sleeve.
RACHEL: Pheobe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than
there names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what
you're seeing.
ROSS: For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
RUSS: You could not be more wrong. You could try but you would not
be successfull.
CHANDLER: OK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and
eye poking begins.
RUSS: I know what your problem is.
ROSS: Oh you do, do ya?
RUSS: Um-hum, you're jealous.
ROSS: Of, of what?
RUSS: You're jealous becuase I'm a real doctor.
ROSS: Hey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part
you can major in. It's like day one, floss, day two, here's
your diploma.
RUSS: Hey, you listen.
ROSS: No, no, let me finish.
RUSS: No, let me finish.
ROSS: No, you let me fini. . .
[Rachel walks up behind them]
ROSS: Hi.
RUSS: Hi.
RACHEL: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. [turns away]
[Scene: Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler in Monica and Rachel's
apartment.]
RACHEL: Did Joey say what he was gonna do when he left?
CHANDLER: No, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with
somebody to get a great job?
RACHEL: I don't know, who would I have to sleep with?
CHANDLER: Me.
RACHEL: Why would I have to sleep with you?
CHANDLER: It's my game, you want the job or not?
[Monica enters from her room]
CHANDLER: Hey.
MONICA: Morning.
ROSS: Where ya goin'.
MONICA: Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?
ROSS: Oohhh.
[Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor]
PHOEBE: What's with all the bottles of liquor?
ROSS: What's goin on, is, uh, Bobby drinking again?
MONICA: Oh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's
still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much
more amusing.
[three slow knocks on the door]
RACHEL: Oh God, even his knock is boring.
MONICA: Hi, I'll be ready in just a second.
FUN BOBBY: Uh, can I talk to you a minute.
MONICA: Sure.
[Fun Bobby and Monica step into the hall]
FUN BOBBY: This is really hard for me to say.
MONICA: Oh God, you fell off the wagon.
FUN BOBBY: Oh, no no, it's about you.
MONICA: What about me?
FUN BOBBY: I think you may have a drinking problem.
MONICA: What these, oh, these are, um, for cuts and scrapes.
FUN BOBBY: Look, I am just not strong enoughto be in a co-dependant
relationship right now, OK.
MONICA: Oh, shoot.
FUN BOBBY: Well anyway, I hope we can be friends.
MONICA: OK.
[they hug and kiss]
MONICA: Take care.
FUN BOBBY: You too.
[Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back in her apartment]
RACHEL: What happened?
MONICA: Well we, we kinda broke up.
GANG: Oohhhhh.
[Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel exchange money]
MONICA: [holding bottles] Does anybody want these?
CHANDLER: I'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and
pretend I'm a giant.
[Joey enters]
JOEY: Hey.
GANG: Hey!
ROSS: How'd the callback go?
JOEY: It was unbelievable, I walked in there and she was all over me.
CHANDLER: So what'd you do?
JOEY: Well, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't want to get the
part that way.
ROSS: Good for you.
JOEY: But wait, wait, wait. Then after I left her office she caught
up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.
PHOEBE: So, and.
JOEY: Soo, you are now looking at Dr. Drake Remore, neurosurgeon,
recurring in at least four episodes.
GANG: All right!
JOEY: All right, I've got to go shower.
[Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Chandler exchange back their bets]
Closing Credits
[Scene: Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting
on the couch.]
RUSS: Hi.
CHANDLER: Oh, hey.
PHOEBE: Hi.
RUSS: I guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.
CHANDLER: Yeah, I'm sorry man.
RUSS: Oh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody.
You have any idea who she's talking about?
[Chandler shrugs and feigns ignorance]
PHOEBE: Oh I do, it's, it's Bob Sagett. She hates him.
RUSS: Oh.
[Julie enters]
JULIE: Hey.
CHANDLER and PHOEBE: Hey, Julie!
PHOEBE: Hey, how are you doing?
JULIE: Um, oh, I don't know, I mean, it's definitely wierd not being
with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some
of his stuff that he um. . .
[Russ and Julie see each other and look longingly into each other's
eyes. Music builds.]
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