[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting
ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing
lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just
watching the on goings.]
Phoebe: (holding a lure) So now, what is this now?
Joey: Guggly worm.
Phoebe: (laughs and picks up another lure) And this?
Joey: Glow-pop giggly jammer.
Phoebe: (laughs harder) You make it so funny.
Monica: (not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm,
what’s this?
Joey: (examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica
drops the sandwich)
Ross: (pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller’s got one
hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the
rod back and forth) It’s the classic struggle between man and
(swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a
lamp.
Joey: (going over and picking up the rod) That’s all right. Hey you
guys, you know what’s going to be great about the fishing trip
this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and
gives me that, "Joey, what are you doing with your life?"
stuff. I can say, "Well, I’m doing a movie with Charlton Heston
dad. What are you doing with your life?"
All: Great!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweat
pants, with the chick and duck in tow.)
Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here.
Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except
you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the
chick and duck following him.)
Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone.
I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy.
Maybe you can go fishing next week?
Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in
his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back
for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.
Monica: What’s Phase Two?
Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.
Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?
Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.
Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other
women.
Ross: There are naked ladies there too.
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: (opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and
duck) Would you give me one minute!! Please.
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Bloomingdale’s, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying
on a pair of pants.]
Joshua: So, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last
week?
Rachel: Um-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel
staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.
Joshua: (turning around) Oh! You know what I need?
Rachel: Yeah!
Joshua: Gloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.
Rachel: Oh, okay. Uhh, well let’s see. (Grabs his hand.) You’re about
well uh, this one is large. And this one (Grabs the other hand.)
Joshua: Also large?
Rachel: Yeah! Okay, two larges coming right up!
Joshua: Okay.
Mr. Waltham: (entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?
Rachel: Yes.
Mr. Waltham: I-I was wondering, my niece you see is in from London
well Shropshire really but y’know well she’s about your
age I say. Anyway I have tickets for the opera, De
Fladermouse, and I was wondering if you’d like to keep
her company this evening?
Rachel: Sure. You got it. Great!
Mr. Waltham: Oh, good.
Rachel: Me, Fladermouse, great. I really...(motions to Joshua.)
Mr. Waltham: Ohh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so
very much.
Joshua: So,(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")
Rachel: So? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the
gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)
Joshua: Gloves?
Rachel: Ohh! Right! Right, sorry, I’ll be right back!
Joshua: Uhh, actually y’know what, I kinda I have to take off.
Rachel: Oh.
Joshua: But, I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?
Rachel: No! Nothing!
Joshua: I invested in this night-club and it’s opening tonight, would
you like to come?
Rachel: Yeah! That would be great!
Joshua: You’re into hardcore S&M right?
Rachel: (shocked) Well, I-I guess,I...
Joshua: Kidding! (Rachel is relived) I’m gonna get there early, but
I’m going to put you on the V.I.P list, okay? Look for me.
Rachel: Yeah, great, you betcha!
Mr. Waltham: (entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn’t I?
Rachel: What?
Mr. Waltham: For you and Emily, tonight, De Fladermouse.
Rachel: Oh. Oh, right.
Mr. Waltham: I think you’ll like it, it has two out of the three
tenors.
Rachel: Oh yay!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in
his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.]
Chandler: Y’know, I can’t believe Kathy did this too me. I really,
thought that she was the one. I tell you what, from now on
I’m never getting out of this chair, ever! Okay? From now
on, this chair is the one! You wanna what else is the one?
My sweat pants!
Ross: Come on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Okay? Just take
‘em off and we’ll have some fun.
Joey: (entering) Hey-hey!
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey!
Ross: Catch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to
him.)
Joey: Oh my God, you guys have no idea.
All: (they all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God!
Wow!
Monica: You stink!
Ross: Are you kidding?!
Joey: Yeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus! I fell in
that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how’s he doing?
Ross: He hasn’t gotten out of that chair in two days.
Joey: (goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How’s it going?
(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)
Joey: (To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal
to come home. All right, uh, I’ve got to go memorise my lines.
(Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and
early tomorrow morning! Yeah-yeah!
Rachel: (entering) Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Hey, Monica!
Monica: Uh-oh, what’s the matter?
Rachel: Ohh, it’s Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight.
But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to
this dumb old opera. So. What are you gonna do?
Monica: I don’t know sweetie.
Rachel: No! Help me!
Monica: I can’t! I have to work!
Rachel: Phoebe?
Phoebe: I would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.
Rachel: Ugh!
Phoebe: Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for
me.
Rachel: Ohh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is, I have to meet Joshua!
This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. Y’know
the "Wouldn’t it be great if she was my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all
right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
Monica: No, Chandler’s still in Phase One, and Joey’s that thing you
smell.
Rachel: Ohh! (Realises that Ross is in the room.) Hi!
Ross: Hi!
Rachel: So.
Ross: No.
Rachel: Ohhhh, come on!!!
(There’s a knock on the door.)
Monica: I think she’s here.
Rachel: No! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!
Ross: You want me to take some girl I’ve never met to the opera so you
can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, that-that is a
toughie.
Monica: (looking out the peephole) Ohh, she’s looking down the hall.
Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can’t see people
through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.)
Hello!
Woman: Hello! (Monica screams)
Rachel: I’ll be right there! (to Ross) Okay, Ross, please come on! I
thought we have moved on! I thought we’ve gotten to a place
where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?
Ross: All right, I’ll do it.
Rachel: Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens
the door.) Emily?
Emily: Yes.
Rachel: I’m Rachel Green.
Emily: Thank goodness.
Rachel: There’s been a teeny-teeny change in plans. It turns out that
I’m not free tonight. So,
Emily: Really?! Well, that’s just lovely, isn’t it? I must’ve missed
your call, even though I didn’t leave the flat all day.
Rachel: Oh well, no I,
Emily: Oh, no-no-no, that’s not rude! It’s perfectly in keeping with
a trip that I’ve already been run down by one of your wiener
carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport,
apparently to you people, I look like someone who’s got a
balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
Monica: I-I-I think you look great.
Emily: Good night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)
(Pause)
Rachel: I’ll get her.
Ross: Please hurry.
Phoebe: Don’t you just love the way they talk?!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next
morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.]
Phoebe: Ohh!
Monica: What?
Phoebe: It kicked! I think the baby kicked!
Monica: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Oh no wait, oh no, the elastic on my underwear busted.
Joey: (running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was
supposed to be on the set a half an hour ago! I gotta get out of
here!
Monica: Oh wait, Joey, you can’t go like that! You stink!
Joey: Look, I know I feel asleep before I could shower and now I don’t
have time! They’re just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.
Monica: Yeah. Run ten blocks, that’ll help the smell.
(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)
Rachel: Hey, whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving.
(Joey runs off.) Wow!
Monica: So? How did it go with Joshua last night?
Rachel: Well, I didn’t see Joshua last night, but I did punch a girl
in the face.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Why?
Rachel: The whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and
when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but
there was a Rachel Greep.
Phoebe: Ohh! So, did you get to meet her?
Rachel: No, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl
overheard us and she was all, "I’m Rachel Greep! I’m Rachel
Greep!" and he let her right in.
Monica: So you hit her in the face?
Rachel: No, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried
to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can’t believe
this, all I wanted was a few hours outside of work to see
Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Phoebe: (going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.
Rachel: Honey, that’s you’re name.
Phoebe: That’s short for Phoebe?! I thought that was just what we
called each other!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)
Monica: Hey! You’re wearing pants!
Chandler: That’s right! Where are the guys? I’m ready to get drunk and
see some strippers.
Monica: It’s 9:30 in the morning!
Chandler: They got a breakfast buffet.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Monica: Hello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!
Chandler: Ooh, let me talk to him!
Monica: Oh-oh, my God!
Chandler: Well, can I just....
Monica: (to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?
Chandler: She’s shhing me! It’s my phone and she’s shhing me!
Phoebe: Shhh!! Please! What’s he saying?
Monica: He’s with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!
Phoebe: What? Oh my God!
Rachel: What? Who the hell is Emily, (realises) noooo!!
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, scene continued
from earlier.]
Rachel: They’re in Vermont!! How could this happen?! (She waves her
arms franticly and hits Chandler.)
Chandler: Ow!
Rachel: How, how did end up in Vermont with that awful witch?!
(She hits Chandler again.)
Chandler: Maybe, she doesn’t hit him all the time.
[cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]
Ross: When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet! Who
wouldn’t be miserable? I’m telling you when I got her into a dry
pair of shoes, she was a totally different person.
Emily: (rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There’s a deer just outside
eating fruit from the orchard!
Ross: I’ve gotta go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from the
orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)
[cut back to Chandler and Joey’s.]
Monica: He had to go, there’s a deer just outside eating fruit from
the orchard.
Rachel: I don’t get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet
again.)
Chandler: Okay, I’m going to go stand over there. (Points and moves
into the living room.)
Monica: Why do you care so much anyway?
Rachel: I don’t care! All right, y’know what I’m just upset that I’m
getting nowhere with Joshua that y’know what still, you do not
meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!
Monica: Well, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.
Rachel: Oh, y’know, would you just for once, not remember every, little,
thing!! (Storms out.)
Chandler: So y’know, uh, when’s he getting back?
Monica: A couple of days.
Chandler: Y’know, I knew something like this was going to happen.
(He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still
wearing his sweat pants.)
Monica: What are you doing?! Chandler! You can’t just go back a phase!
Chandler: Yes you can. You’re thinking about time, you can’t go back
in time.
Phoebe: Well, look, why don’t you just, why don’t you do your Phase
Two strip club thing with us.
Monica: Yeah, come on, we can be guys!
Chandler: (laughs) No you can’t.
Phoebe: Come on! Let us be guys! Maybe we want to be guys!
Chandler: You don’t want to be guys, you’d be all hairy and wouldn’t
live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)
Phoebe: Y’know you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off
and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!
Chandler: Okay. (Starts to cry)
Phoebe: I’m sorry. (Goes and hugs him)
[Scene: Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.]
Joey: (rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I’m here! I’m here!
The A.D: Calm down, we got time, we’re running a little late.
(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts
eating a liquorice whip.)
Joey: Look at that, Charlton Heston eating a liquorice whip!
The A.D: Yeah, we loves ‘em. I’ve never seen him with, (He gets a
whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)
Joey: (trying to act like he’s not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah,
what the hell is that? What smells so bad?
The A.D: You.
Joey: Y’know, I can see why you think that, but ah, actually, you know
who I think it is?
The A.D: You?
Joey: No-no, it’s uh, it’s Heston.
The A.D: What?
Joey: Yeah, the man wreaks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing
trip and then ate some liquorice.
The A.D: There’s no way he smells, he’s the only one around here with
a shower in his dressing room.
Joey: Really, a shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?
The A.D: The one with "Heston" on it.
Joey: Interesting.
[Scene: A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn’t
enjoying himself.]
Monica: (coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Okay,
I’ve got some Ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
Chandler: No thanks, Mom!
(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)
Phoebe: Oh, no umm, hi, that-that, you have to put that out, ‘cause
I’m pregnant.
The Cigarette Smoking Guy: (No, not the Cigarette Smoking Man from The
X-Files.) Well, maybe you and your baby
should go to another strip club.
Phoebe: Ha-ha, it’s not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)
(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)
Monica: Very good, (getting up and sliding a One into the dancer’s hot
pants) so good.
Phoebe: (doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.
Rachel: (joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua
didn’t call. I mean you’d think he’d be worried about me not
showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much
worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!
Phoebe: Come on! Look where you are!!
Monica: (to the waitress) When you get a sec, another round of
daiquiris.
Phoebe: Remember, a virgin for me please.
Monica: Oh! And don’t let me leave without getting the name of that
carpet guy.
Chandler: Ahh, come on! Y’know what, y’know what, I think I’m just
gonna go home and call Kathy.
Phoebe: Well, if you think it will help.
Chandler: No! That was a test! In a couple of hours I’m gonna get
really drunk and wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna
have to stop me! And then after that, I’m gonna get so drunk,
I’m gonna wanna call Janice
Phoebe: You should! How is she?
Chandler: Ohhh!!
Monica: I think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)
[Scene: Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston’s
dressing room. Heston enters the room, Joey panics, and walks over to
the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.]
Charlton Heston: Hello! Who’s in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal
a naked and wet Joey.)
Joey: How ya doin’?
Charlton Heston: Who in the hell are you?
Joey: I guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas,
huh?
Charlton Heston: Put some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.
Joey: No-no-no, no, no, wait. You see, I’m an actor, Joey Tribbiani,
I’m doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.
Charlton Heston: (shocked) You’re in this picture?
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I’m one of the cops that won’t work with you ‘cause
your a loose cannon. Anyway, look, I’m really sorry, but I stink!
Charlton Heston: Joey, right?
Joey: Yeah.
Charlton Heston: (tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of
the shower and sits down on the couch) Every actor at
one time or another opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to
him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every
actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver at
sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won’t even
watch himself.
Joey: Oh no-no-no, you don’t understand!
Charlton Heston: Listen to me!
Joey: Oh yeah, yeah.
Charlton Heston: I don’t know one actor worth his salt that didn’t say
at one time or another, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just
did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place
up. But, the important thing you must remember, no
matter how badly you think you might stink, you must
never, ever bust into my dressing room and use my
shower! Do you understand me?!
Joey: Yes sir! Yes sir, I’m-I’m,(he starts to leave)
Charlton Heston: Wait a minute! Take your pants.
Joey: Yeah. Oh, yeah.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler,
Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.]
Monica: So, we did okay at the strip club, right?
Chandler: Oh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail
waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!
Rachel: (entering) I can’t believe it! He still hasn’t called.
Phoebe: Who, Josh?
Rachel: It’s Joshua.
Monica: What, he doesn’t like Josh?
Rachel: No, I don’t.
Chandler: All right, well I’m gonna put my sweats back on.
Phoebe: Oh no! Wait! Wait! Okay, y’know what, you were right, you were
right. We really weren’t great at being guys, but you know
why? Because we’re girls.
Chandler: Yeah?
Phoebe: And do you know what girls are really good at?
Chandler: Stripping!
Phoebe: No, listening! Sit! Y’know, maybe it would just really, really
help if you would just talk.
Rachel: Yeah, come on! What’s going in on in there? (Pats his chest.)
Monica: Yeah. And y’know, if you wanna cry, that’s okay too.
Chandler: Okay, look, I’m gonna have to ask you all to leave.
Monica: Come on! Chandler!
Chandler: Look, forget it. We tried, but Phase Three is a lost cause,
Okay? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn’t
picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)
Monica: They really were pretty, weren’t they? (Rachel and Phoebe
both agree)
Phoebe: Yeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.
Monica: Oh, Candy! She was so spunky!
Phoebe: Yeah.
Monica: Y’know, I think if I were going to be with a woman. (Chandler
is intrigued.) It’d, it’d be with someone like Michelle, she
was so oh, she was so petite.
Rachel: See, I don’t know, for me it would have to Chantal.
Monica: Oh, Chantal!
Rachel: Oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I
stuck that dollar bill in her g-string and grazed her thigh!
Chandler: (jumping up) Phase Three! I just achieved Phase Three!
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: I am totally picturing you with all those women!
Monica: That’s-that’s not Phase Three.
Chandler: Well, I’m there too!
Rachel: Well, are we all together? Like in a group?
Chandler: Stop it! You’re killing me! I think I just moved on to Phase
Four!
Phoebe: Oh! What is that? What is that?
Chandler: Where I don’t want to have a relationship ever! I just want
to have sex with strippers and my friends!!
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is
trying to cheer Joey up about missing Phase Two.]
Chandler: Come on, let me see that smile.
Joey: I don’t wanna.
Chandler: Please?
Joey: I wanted to go to the strip club!
Chandler: I know, I know, but you’re gonna have plenty of chances.
There are literally thousands of women out there just waiting
to screw me over.
Joey: Yeah, all right. (Ross enters.)
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey, ooh so, how was Vermont?
Ross: Emily is incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe
it, I mean the whole weekend was like a dream. (Sees Rachel
coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!
Rachel: Oh, hey!
Ross: Hey! You were so right!
Rachel: What?
Ross: Uh, what you said, about us being in a place where we could
finally be happy for each other.
Rachel: Oh, hmm.
Ross: I mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn’t quite there. Y’know, I mean the
thought of you and that-that Josh guy.
Rachel: Joshua.
Ross: Joshua guy at that club, dancing and having a good time, the
thought of it kinda, y’know.
Rachel: Yeah, I...
Ross: But now! I’m there! I’m totally there! I’m-I’m finally where you
are!
Rachel: Oh, thank goodness!
Ross: Yeah, and-and thank you for Emily.
Rachel: Oh, no problem. I’m so glad I could help. Happy for you. (She
playfully punches him.)
Ross: Happy for you. (He punches her back.)
Rachel: No, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is
there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica,
Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust.
Yes, it’s a dream sequence, this isn’t cable.]
Chandler: All right ladies, here’s what we’re gonna do. (Points to a
stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another
two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another
stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your
voice, "Chandler’s the king! Chandler’s the king!"
Phoebe: I-I wanna be with her, (points to the stripper next to her) I
like her.
Chandler: Oh, that’s fine! Go with your instincts, go with your
instincts.
Monica: Wait, now, what am I doing again?
Chandler: Come on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at
any moment!
The Cigarette Guy: Hi, I’m Joshua, I’m here to pick up Rachel.
Rachel: No-no-no, that’ not Joshua.
Chandler: What do you want from me, I’ve never met the guy. So anyway,
Rachel, I’m sorry you can’t stay, (Rachel is upset about
leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) but the rest of us
have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing
Chandler’s back.) What are you doing? (The guy just nods)
All right, listen, I’ve got to wake up!
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