[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel has just gotten home and is going
through the mail. She finds something that's Monica's and goes over and
knocks on her closed bedroom door.]
Monica: (In a sexy voice) Come in. I've been waiting for you.
(Rachel enters.)
Rachel: Hi! I just wanna-(sees Monica)-Ahhh!!! Oh my God! (She runs out
in horror.) Oh my God!
Monica: (pulling on a robe) Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I was um,
I was taking a nap.
Rachel: Since when do take naps in that position. Oh God Monica, tell
me you were waiting for a guy! Please tell me you were waiting
for a guy!
Monica: Yes. Yes, I was. A guy. From work. (Thinks) I'm seeing a guy
from work! Ha!
Rachel: (Gasps) That cute waiter guy from your restaurant, the one that
looks like a non-threatening Ray Liotta?
Monica: Uh-huh, that one!
Rachel: Y'know what, just give me a second and I'll be out of your hair.
I'm just gonna grab a jacket. When I get back, I want every little
detail. (There's a knock on the door.) Maybe that's him. (Goes to
answer the door.)
Monica: (Panicking) Okay, umm, okay, umm... (Rachel opens the door.)
It's just Joey and Ross.
Rachel: Why aren't you guys at the movie?
Joey: Well, we were! But Ross was talking so loud on his phone they
threw us out!
Ross: I had to talk loud because the movie was loud!
Joey: (to Monica and Rachel) He's talking to London!
Monica: But why?! Did he get in touch with Emily?
Joey: Well no, not yet. He's calling everyone on her side of the family
hoping that someone will help him get in touch with her.
Ross: (on phone) I-I-I don't care if I said some other girl's name you
prissy, old twit!
Joey: Ross! Way to suck up to the family.
Chandler: (entering, happily, with a bottle of champagne, thinking that
Monica is the only one there) Ha-ha-ha-(sees everyone)
-enh-enh. I'm so glad you guys are all here! My office finally
got wrinkle free fax paper!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe, Chandler, Ross,
and Monica are eating breakfast.]
Joey: (entering, wearing a tux) Hey!
Chandler: Oh no-no-no-no-no-no, vomit tux! No-no, vomit tux!
Joey: Don't worry, I had it dry-cleaned.
Monica: Vomit tux? Who vomited on, y'know what, what you up to Joe?
Joey: Well, I'm doing this telethon thing on TV and my agent got me a
job as co-host!
Monica: Oh that's great!
Joey: A little uh, good deed for PBS and a little TV exposure, now
that's the kind of math Joey likes to do!
Phoebe: Ugh, PBS!
Monica: What's wrong with PBS?
Phoebe: Ugh, what's right with them?
Joey: Why don’t you like PBS, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Okay, 'cause right after my mom killed herself, I was just in
this really bad place, y'know personally. So, I just thought that it'd
make me feel better if I wrote to Sesame Street, 'cause they
were so nice when I was a little kid! No one ever wrote back.
Chandler: Well y'know a lot of those Muppets don't have thumbs.
Phoebe: All I got was a lousy key chain! And by that time I was living
in a box. I didn't have keys!
Joey: I'm sorry Pheebs, I just, y'know, I just wanted to do a good deed.
Like-like you did with the babies.
Phoebe: This isn't a good deed, you just wanted to get on TV! This is
totally selfish.
Joey: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What about you, having those babies for your
brother? Talk about selfish!
Phoebe: What-what are you talking about?!
Joey: Well, yeah, it was a really nice thing and all, but it made you
feel really good right?
Phoebe: Yeah. So?
Joey: It made you feel good, so that makes it selfish. Look, there's no
unselfish good deeds, sorry.
Phoebe: Yes there are! There are totally good deeds that are selfless.
Joey: Well, may I ask for one example?
Phoebe: Yeah, it's... Y'know there's...no you may not!
(They are standing on either side of Chandler as they discuss the
point. Chandler, meanwhile, is disgusted with the whole argument.)
Joey: That's because all people are selfish.
Phoebe: Are you calling me selfish?!
Joey: Are you calling you people? (Chandler rolls his eyes.) Yeah, well
sorry to burst that bubble, Pheebs, but selfless good deeds don't
exist. Okay? And you the deal on Santa Clause right?
Phoebe: I'm gonna find a selfless good dead. I'm gonna beat you, you
evil genius.
(Ross's phone rings and he answers it.)
Ross: (on phone) Hello.
Emily: (on phone from London) Hello, Ross?
Ross: Emily? Emily! Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Emily! (He picks up a
lamp and hands it to Chandler, for no reason.) It's Emily
everyone! Shush-shush-shhst! (to Emily) Hi!
Emily: Ross, I'm only ringing to say stop harassing my relatives.
Good-bye!
Ross: No wait! Look, wait! Okay, you can hang up, but I'm gonna keep
calling! I'm gonna, I'm gonna call everyone in England if that's
what it takes to get you to talk to me!
Emily: Really? About what?
Ross: Look you're my wife. We're-we're married. Y'know? I-I love you.
I-I really miss you.
Emily: I miss you to. Well, at least I think I do.
Ross: (to the gang, whispering) She's talking.
All: (subdued) Yay! (He motions for them to keep quiet, including
Chandler who is still holding the lamp Ross handed him, before he
goes off to talk to Emily in private.)
Phoebe: Hey, Joey, when you said the deal with Santa Clause, you meant?
Joey: That he doesn't exist.
Phoebe: Right. (She turns and opens her eyes in shock.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there.]
Rachel: So Chandler, have you heard about Monica's secret boyfriend?
Chandler: Uhh, yeah. She uh, she uh, she uh might've mentioned him.
Rachel: So Mon, when are we gonna meet this new secret waiter man?
Monica: Ohh, he's really shy. I-I don’t think he's up to meeting
everyone yet.
Chandler: Yeah, I don't think he's up to meeting everyone yet.
Rachel: I don’t care! I wanna meet this guy who's the best sex she ever
had!
(Chandler is quite pleased with that statement.)
Chandler: Really?! That's what you heard? (To Monica) You said that?
Monica: I might've said that. (Chandler laughs.) Why is that funny?
Chandler: Because I'm very happy for him! (To Monica) And you, you
lucky dog!
Ross: (entering) Hi!
Monica: Hey!
Ross: Well, Emily's willing to work on the relationship.
Chandler: Yes!
Monica: That's great!
Ross: In London!
Monica: What?!
Ross: She wants me to move to London.
Monica: But you live here! (Ross rolls his eyes.) You know that.
Rachel: What-what-what are you gonna do?
Ross: I bet if I talk to Carol and Susan I can convince them to move to
London with Ben.
Monica: Yeah, I'm sure your ex-wife will be more than happy to move to
another country so you can patch things up with your new wife.
Ross: It could happen.
[Scene: Unitel Video, Studio 55, Joey's telethon, he is being shown
around by the stage director.]
Joey: (To the pledge volunteers) How ya doin'? Welcome. Good to see ya!
Stage Director: This will be your phone.
Joey: That's great. But uh, I'm not really expecting a lot of calls.
Stage Director: No you answer it and take pledges.
Joey: But I'm the host!
Stage Director: No, Gary Collins is the host. You'll be answering the
phones.
Joey: You don't seem to understand. See, I was Dr. Drake Remoray.
Stage Director: Well, here's your phone doctor. (She walks away.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Rachel, and Monica are there.]
Phoebe: I cannot believe I can't find a selfless good deed! Y'know that
old guy that lives next to me? Well, I snuck over there and-and
raked up all the leaves on his front stoop. But he caught me
and force-fed me cider and cookies. Then I felt wonderful. That
old jackass!
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish.
Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed! 'Cause I just gave birth to
three children and I will not let them be raised in a world
where Joey is right!
Chandler: (entering) Hey, Monica? Can I ask you a cooking question?
Monica: Sure!
Chandler: If you're cooking on the stove, does that mean that your new
secret boyfriend is better in bed than Richard?
Rachel: Chandler! (Pause) Is he?
Monica: Well, y'know I-I-I think I'm gonna respect the privacy of my
new secret boyfriend.
Chandler: Why?! I mean if this guy was me and it was me who had learned
that it was me who was the best you'd ever had, I'd be going
like this. (He jumps up onto the table and starts doing his
happy dance.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, he's on the phone with Emily.]
Ross: All right Emily, as much as I love you, I'm sorry, I can't move
to London without Ben.
Emily: I understand that would be difficult.
Ross: Yeah, would you please consider moving here? I mean you were
gonna move here anyway, why can't you just do that?
Emily: I don't know, it's just...
Ross: Oh-oh-okay, but-but I know, that even though I've been a-a
complete idiot up 'til now, I mean, I mean you-you-you have to
come here. You have to come here so we can work this out.
Emily: All right.
Ross: All right, did you just say all right?
Emily: I did. Now I'm the idiot.
Ross: Oh, Emily that is, that is so great. It's gonna be so great! We're
gonna be like-like-like two idiots in love!
(She laughs.)
Emily: Ross, there's one thing that really scares me still.
Ross: Yes, tell me.
Emily: Well, you have to understand how humiliating it was for me up on
that altar in front of my entire family, all my friends.
Ross: I know. I am, I am so sorry.
Emily: And then after decided to forgive you, seeing you at the airport
catching our plane with her.
Ross: Again, very sorry.
Emily: I mean, I can't-I can't be in the same room as her! It drives me
mad just thinking of you being in the same room as her!
Ross: Emily, there is nothing between Rachel and me. Okay? I love you.
Emily: All right. I'll come to New York and we'll try and make this
work.
Ross: Oh that is so great! That's....
Emily: (interrupting him) As long as you don't see Rachel anymore.
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Phoebe, Monica, and
Chandler about Emily's ultimatum.]
Ross: So I asked Emily if she would come to New York, and she said yes.
Chandler: Yes!
Phoebe: Ooh-ohh!
Monica: Great!
Ross: No-no-no! Only if I promise never to see Rachel again.
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: What?! You can't, what did you tell her?
Ross: I told her I'd have to think about it. I mean, how the hell am I
supposed to make this kind of a decision? (They're all quiet.)
I'm actually asking you!
Chandler: Well, you can't just not see Rachel anymore, she's one of your
best friends.
Monica: Yeah! But, he can't not exactly see Emily, I mean that's his wife.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Chandler: That's true!
Phoebe: Yeah, but you've known Rachel since High School and you cannot
just cut her out of your life.
Chandler: That's true!
Monica: No, you cannot.
Ross: Thanks for the help, problem solved. (Wipes his hands.)
(The phone rings.)
Monica: (answering it) Hello.
Joey: (on phone) Hey Mon!
Monica: Oh hey Joey! We've been watching all day, when are you gonna be
on TV?
Joey: See, there was kind of a mix up in my agent's office, but I'm still
on TV and that's good exposure.
Monica: (Looking at the TV) You're not on TV.
Joey: Oh, uh, okay, how, how about now? (He waves his hand in front of
the woman next to him and you can now see his arm on TV.)
Chandler: Hey, there he is! There he is!
Joey: Hello New York! (The woman bats his hand out of the way.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the chick and the duck are watching Emeril
Live, a cooking show.]
Emeril: (on TV.) Now maybe you just like wanna but the whole duck in
there! Who cares, y'know? Now I got the legs...
(Chandler enters and sees what they're watching, panics, and runs to
turn off the TV.)
Chandler: How many times have I told you guys, you never watch the
cooking channel!
Monica: (entering) Hi Chandler.
Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Uh, listen, I need that broiling pan that Joey borrowed the
other day.
Chandler: Oh that was yours? Uh, yeah, we used it when the duck was
throwing up caterpillars.
Monica: William Sonoma, fall catalog, Page 27.
Chandler: Expect it in 4-6 weeks. (She starts to leave.) Umm, hey, umm,
Joey's gonna be at the telethon for the rest of the day, we
have the whole place to ourselves.
Monica: Yeah, so?
Chandler: Well I just, thought maybe you'd wanna book some time with
the best you'd ever had.
Monica: Y'know what, champ? I think I'll pass.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: Why? (She hops into the living room and imitates Chandler's
happy dance.)
Chandler: What's your point?
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey's phone rings and he answers it.]
Joey: (in a bored voice) PBS telethon.
Phoebe: (on phone from Central Perk) Hey Joey, I just wanted to let you
know that I found a selfless good deed. I just went down to the
park and I let a bee sting me.
Joey: What?! What good is that gonna do anybody?
Phoebe: Well, it helps the bee look tough in front of his bee friends.
The bee is happy and I am definitely not.
Joey: Now, y'know the bee probably died after he stung ya.
Phoebe: (Thinks for a moment.) Aw, dammit! (Slams the phone down.)
Stage Director: Back on in 30 seconds people!
(Joey gets up and moves to the other end of his row to talk to the guy
sitting there.)
Joey: Hey, excuse me, would you mind switching with me?
PBS Volunteer: Hey, no way, I'm in the shot man.
Joey: Come on man! You've been here all day!
PBS Volunteer: Yeah, I-I'm taking pledges here, eh?
Stage Director: We're on in 3, 2, (points to Gary Collins.)
Gary Collins: Welcome back to our fall telethon. Now if you've been
enjoying the performance of Circ 'du Sole, (As he is
speaking, Joey and the volunteer getting into a shoving
match.) and you'd like to see more of the same kind of
programming, it's very simple. All you have to do (Joey
is knocked down.) is call in your pledge and at that time
tell the operator, one of our volunteers, what kind of
programming you'd like to... (Just as the volunteer sits
down, Joey pulls him to the ground.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are cooking, Chandler is
reading a magazine.]
Ross: (entering) Okay, that's it. I cannot make this decision! It is
too difficult, so I'm just gonna leave it entirely to the gods
of fate. (He holds up and starts shaking a...)
Monica: A Magic Eight ball?! You can't be serious, you can't make this
decision with a toy!
Phoebe: Ooh, it's not a toy.
Ross: Well, I don't know what else to do. I mean, I either keep my wife
and lose one of my-my-my best friends or I keep my friend and get
divorced the second time before I'm 30! So-so if anyone has-has a
better suggestion, let's hear it! 'Cause I-I got nothing! All
right, don't be shy, any suggestion will do. (There are none.)
Okay then. Here we go. Magic 8 Ball, should I never see Rachel
again? (He turns it over and reads the answer) Ask again later.
Later is not good enough. (He shakes it up again and reads the
answer.) Ask again later. What the hell! This is broken! It-it
is broken!
Monica: All right, let me see. (She grabs the 8 ball.) Will Chandler
have sex tonight? (Reads the answer.) Don't count on it. Seems
like it works to me.
[Scene: The Telethon, Joey answers his ringing phone.]
Joey: (in an unenthusiastic voice) PBS Telethon.
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi Joey.
Joey: Hey Pheebs!
Phoebe: I would like to make a pledge. I would like to donate $200.
Joey: $200? Are you sure Pheebs? I mean, after what Sesame Street did
to ya?
Phoebe: Oh, I'm still mad at them but I also now that they bring
happiness to lots of kids who's moms didn't kill themselves,
so by supporting them, I'm doing a good thing, but I'm not
happy about it. So there, a selfless good deed.
Joey: And you don't a little good about donating the money?
Phoebe: No, it sucks. I was saving up to buy a hamster.
Joey: A hamster? What, those things are like 10 bucks.
Phoebe: Yeah, not the one I had my eye on.
Gary Collins: (on TV.) It looks like we have surpassed last year's
pledge total! Thank you viewers! The pledge that did it
was taken by one of our volunteers. (He walks over to where
Joey is sitting.) Oh boy! And may I say one of our sharpest
dressed volunteers, (Joey stands up.) Mr. Joseph Tribbiani!
Phoebe: Oh, look-look, Joey's on TV! Isn't that great? My pledge got
Joey on TV! Oh that makes me feel, Oh no! (Realizes that her
deed made her happy and therefore it's selfish and covers her
mouth in horror.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is coming out of
the bathroom carrying her cleaning gear.]
Chandler: (entering) Look, maybe I got carried away before. But there's
something you gotta know. If I'm the best, it's only because
you've made me the best.
Monica: Keep talking.
Chandler: I mean I was nothing before you. Call the other girls and
ask. Which wouldn't take long. But when I'm with you, and
we're together, OH-MY-GOD.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Oh-aw my God! Now, I understand if you never want to sleep
with me again, but that would be wrong. We're too good! We
owe it, to sex!
Monica: Well, if we owe it? (She throws down her cleaning stuff and
jumps into his arms.) Oh my, When is Joey gonna be home?
Chandler: Well, I was kinda hoping we could do this without him. (She
starts to take off her latex gloves.) Oh no-no-no, leave the
gloves on.
Monica: But, I just cleaned the bathroom.
Chandler: Yeah, why don't we lose the gloves.
Monica: Yeah. (She takes them off.)
(He carries her over to the door and opens it.)
Chandler: All right, let's show them how it's done.
Monica: Okay.
(He starts to carry her into the hallway but hits her head on the door.)
Monica: Ow!
Chandler: Y'know that wasn't part of it?
Monica: I know!
(He carries her into the hall.)
[Scene: Ross's apartment, Ross is prying at the Magic 8 Ball with a
screwdriver as there's a knock on his door which he goes to answer.]
Rachel: (entering) Hi! Are you ready? We're gonna be late!
Ross: For what?
Rachel: For Stella! Remember? She's gettin' her grove back in like 20
minutes.
Ross: Yeah, I uh, totally forgot about that. You mind if I take a rain
check? I'm waiting for a call from Emily.
Rachel: Sure. I guess. Hey, I hear you don't have to go to London. Yay!
Ross: It's not that easy, there's still a lot of relationship stuff.
Rachel: Like what?
Ross: Just stuff. Y'know kinda what Emily wants.
Rachel: Well, why don't you talk to me about it, maybe I can help.
Ross: No. No. You-you can't help. I mean, I kinda have to do this
without your help.
Rachel: Well, I-I know you can do that too. I'm just, I'm just saying
if you need somebody to talk to. Hi!
Ross: Thanks.
Rachel: Ross? Look, whatever this relationship stuff that Emily wants,
just give it to her. Come on, the bottom line here is that you
love her. So just fix whatever she wants fixed. Just do it.
(The phone starts ringing.) I mean, you're gonna have to try.
You'll just gonna hate yourself if you don't. (The phone keeps
ringing.) Oh come on answer it! It's driving me crazy!
Ross: (answering the phone.) Hello. (Listens) Hi sweetie. (Listens.)
Good. Look umm, yes I've been thinking about that thing that you
wanted me to do and, I can do it. (Rachel gives him a thumbs up.)
So will you come to New York? (Rachel wants to know what she
said, and he gives her a thumbs up and she goes over and hugs
him. All the time not knowing what's going on.)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Central Perk, ??????? is playing, as Chandler peaks his head
out of the storage closet and sneaks back to his seat and pretends he's
reading something. Then a short while later Monica pokes her head out
of the closet and sneaks back to her seat and sits down, pretending as
if nothing has happened.]
Monica: Never done that before.
Chandler: Nope.
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