Ask Megavolt!

Megavolt answers burning questions.

Dear Megavolt- I am in the middle of a forest in a thunderstorm! What should I do? ~Ungrounded in MA

Dear Ungrounded- Quick! Grab the tallest tree in the forest and hang on for a quick burst of energy!~Megavolt

Dear Megavolt- My boyfriend left me yesterday, and I feel terrible! What can make me feel better? ~ Lonely in St. Canard

Dear Lonely- Whenever I'm lonely (which was most of the time in High School,) I sit down in a comfy place and try to remember how many lightsockets are in my house. It's fun! But, if you're really desperate, I could always set you up with Bushroot... ~Megavolt

Dear Sparky- What are you doing answering stupid questions when you should be pilfering something for me? You knob! You better hightail it over to Headquarters if you wanna still be in one piece when I'm through with you!~Negaduck

Dear Negaduck- Don't call me... oh, it's you.. heh, heh. I'm outta here!~Megavolt

Oh, Megavolt, I have the biggest crush on you! Is it possible that we could get together some time!?!?~ZQF

Dear ZQF- Aw, I'm flattered! It's possible we could, but whatever you do, don't tell Joy and Kate!!~Megavolt

Dear Megavolt- WHAT DID WE JUST HEAR YOU SAY?~ Kate and Joy (Pagemakers.)

Dear Kate and Joy- Er... nothing?~Megavolt

Dear Megs- Oh, okay. We thought you said something about GETTING TOGETHER with someone! Silly us!~ Kate and Joy

Dear Kate and Joy- Who, me? Of course I didn't say that... ~Megavolt

Hello Megavolt. The first time I've saw you, I thought I needed to use the facilities, but when I got up to go, I forgot why I was standing up and I went to get a bowl of gingerbread soup instead. Anyway, now since I have matured, I relize the feelings I have felt was not the john, but was a small crush on you. NOW is has become an obsession. I have a page devoted to you called "ToasterOven.com:The Megavolt Shrine" and I draw you in on my pillow as I sleep. my only freinds are lightbulbs. (You should meet Avrex. She wants you to introduce Quackerjack to her.) I have also been known to repeat "Don't Call Me Spaky," for no apparent reason. But I really just wanted to ask you something. just one thing. Do you like long walks along the nuclear power plant? Do you like the warm the microwave radiation while it heats up a bowl gingerbread soup? Do you like spending your days running a muck down a public school and showing little children your drawing of a perfectly round circle and screaming you've drawn it without any help? I do love these things, and I want to know if we could do them together someday when their is nothing on TV but 'The Honeymooners' or 'Absolutely Fabulous' cause I hate those shows...

--Your most deticated fan, NegaQuiv

Hi NegaQuiv! I'm impressed with your impeccable taste in... everything! You're a girl after my own heart! You like power plants, gingerbread soup, me, doing that thing with the circle, just like me! Now, I'd really like to meet you some time after J & K are asleep. How about tomorrow at 4:00 a.m. my time? ~ Megavolt

MV, I'm a lightbulb but my toe hurts. What's wrong with me? And can you introduce me to your Quackerjack friend?

--Avrex

Dear Avrex- Are you being opressed? Do you need me to save you? Well, I think your toe hurts because someone yelled at you about feet when you were a child. I advise you to seek counseling. Yeah, I can introduce you to QJ, but I don't see why you would want to know HIM!! ~ Megavolt

Dear Megavolt, I think you are realy cool and I LUV this page. But I have a problem, I can't get my sister to stop reading my diary. What do I do? Sincerely, Unsafe

Dear Unsafe,

Your problem is quite a common one, and is easy to fix. Here's a simple solution:

First you have to concider how much voltage you desire to implant in your walls, then divide it by the number of sides on your protection device ( V ˜ x to the 3rd - b ) I prefer 2,000 watts, but you should probably stick with 60-120. Then you connect 12 wires to form a cube which you will place over your beloved keepsake. Wrap wires, keeping colors cordinated, around the 4 preliminary wires. These will hold 2 times more voltage than that which only holds the excess electrical charge. Connect these wires to an UNPLUGED battery charge that will send the currents to the proper positions. Connect light wires to positive and likewise dark to negetive. WIthout leading these currents 40¦ at 4,000 mpm, you might get unwanted results.Now place a charge stopper at the base of the positive side. It is actually a battery itself. Since it is also positve, the two put together causes it to malfunction and create a temporary shortage. In order to control when the two positive sides are in contact, you need to add a cable that will attach this device to a preliminary stand nearby. Be certain that the space between the chip and the battery remains (at the most) .13 cm. apart. Connected to this is a short distance antenae that senses movement on it's sensitive air wave detector. When it recieves a signal, make it so the chip vibrates suddinlly and therefore touches the battery. Another signal will cause the chip to depart it's previous position. Now you have to have a controller that will send these signals across air waves to activate the system. Pulses in this machine can be advanced and then will sent out. Otherwise the constant slight movementis virtually useless. Don't forget to equip your controler with a state-of-the-art big red button. Plug it in. Your sister will recieve quite a SHOCK when she tries to touch your diary again. (Don't worry, most people recover.) ~Megavolt

Dear Megavolt, Are you as romantic to us girls as you are to light bulbs? If so I am single;-) ~Manderbug

Dear Manderbug- Oh, I'm really romantic to girls! I, um... do romantic type stuff! Whatever that is. And Manderbug... Bushroot might not like it if I told him you were single. ~Megavolt

Have a question? Send it to Megavolt at bigtoe@flash.net

Back to MEGAVOLT DEVOTION