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DUBLIN BRACES FOR ARRIVAL OF THE FLATHEADS

by Desmond Blarney

By this time next week, our fair city will be awash in a sea of Flatheaded humanity as hordes of wildly enthusiastic fans from across the globe descend on the RDS to worship in the communal celebration known as Lord of the Dance.

"It's truly astonishing to see the uncommon degree of devotion and fervor this show has engendered," remarked Siobhan Flannery, director of the Irish Tourist Board. "These people have given up literally everything – home, family, career – so they may attend as many performances as possible. In the process, however, nearly all of them have become penniless vagabonds. But although they may be poor, they do seem genuinely happy."

In a telephone interview from his yacht in the Caribbean, Michael Flatley expressed admiration for his cult-like following. "I have the very best fans in the whole world," he declared. "These guys make it all worthwhile for me – every ache, every pain, every bad review. These fanatics, uh...these fans of mine may have driven themselves into poverty, but through their noble sacrifice they've boosted the popularity of Irish culture throughout the world. Besides, if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have this yacht!"

Brian Cassidy, President of the Royal Dublin Society, seconded Flatley's effusive praise. "We owe these Celtic-loving foreigners a debt of gratitude for all they've done for Ireland," he said. "We are, however, concerned for their safety and well-being. Since almost all of them are homeless, we expect to see them wandering in the streets, poking through garbage cans and so forth. They'll probably spend most of their time in nearby Herbert Park. But through the generosity of several philanthropists including Mr. Flatley himself, we're erecting a 'tent city' in Herbert Park to provide shelter and protection from the elements. We're setting up a soup kitchen for them as well – we've already received hefty donations of Guinness and cheesecake from several fine establishments."

Despite the favourable air of anticipation, there has been some opposition to the "Flathead invasion" from a few well-heeled citizens of Ballsbridge. "They're gonna stink this place up somethin’ awful," huffed Tom O'Connell, general manager of the elegant Berkeley Court Hotel. "The moment these bloody 'unwashed masses' show up at the RDS, folks are gonna start droppin’ dead from the stench. We don't need that kind of grief now, do we?"

Dublin is waiting literally with bated breath, according to Cassidy. "Yes, we're fully aware of the somewhat malodorous quality of these visitors, many of whom douse themselves with Bernini cologne to mask their scent," he said. "Therefore, in order to prevent them from assaulting keen Irish senses, we’ve decided to give them bars of soap and unlimited access to the River Liffey for bathing purposes."

A prominent Flathead known only as "Z the Bag Lady" was reached at her cave dwelling in the San Bernardino Mountains of Southern California. "On behalf of everybody, I'd like to express my deepest gratitude for all your hard work to ensure that our visit will be a memorable one," she said. "We just can’t wait to see your beautiful country and experience your legendary hospitality! And don't you worry about our hygiene – we check each other for lice every week. HUGS!!"

In an unexpected show of support, Prime Minister Bertie Ahern has declared the week of June 21 "Flathead Appreciation Week." Buttons asking "Have You Hugged a Flathead Today?" will be distributed this weekend, and everyone is encouraged to welcome our visitors with open arms. Don't forget to bring deodorant, however.
 

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