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AER LINGUS TO FLY STRANDED FLATHEADS TO DUBLIN

by Desmond Blarney

With the much anticipated performances of Lord of the Dance at the RDS looming only a week away, a large number of Flatheads have been caught flat-footed, unable to secure transportation to the Emerald Isle.

But as the luck o’ the Irish would have it, these procrastinators may have found salvation from the Lord of the Dance himself. When informed of their collective predicament, Michael Flatley quickly came to the rescue by enlisting the services of Ireland's national airline, which has agreed to fly his foot-dragging fans gratis from Chicago to Dublin and back. "There's no way I could dance without those guys in the audience," Flatley stated. "The way they scream and jump around and beat up on hecklers really inspires me. And that's even before the show starts!"

As expected, tickets for next week’s charter flight – affectionately dubbed "Flatley One" – are in high demand. A few privileged individuals, however, have been granted reserved seats in first class. "We thought it only fair that Michael’s most loyal fans be given guaranteed passage on Flatley One," explained Art Liddell, CEO of Aer Lingus. "While it’s certainly difficult to measure loyalty, the fact that all these passengers purchased a $22,000 ‘Riverdance’ statue undoubtedly played a major role in our decision. As for the rest of the seats in the ‘steerage’ compartment of the aircraft, they’ll be allocated to the ‘commoners’ by means of a poker tournament."

Flatley One, under the command of Capt. Edward John Smith, is a brand new 757, and its trip from Chicago to Dublin will represent its maiden voyage across the Atlantic Ocean. "I’m very much looking forward to taking her into the wild blue yonder and stretching her legs," Smith said. "Moreover, given the importance of our passengers’ final destination, this journey will surely be one of titanic significance for all."

In the interest of safety, Capt. Smith has set a number of guidelines for his passengers. "Of greatest importance, we discourage anyone from barging into the cockpit," he said. "A crazy English tart did this a few months ago. After nearly knocking my co-pilot from his chair, she spread her arms and screamed, ‘I’m FLYING!’ Well, of COURSE she was!"

According to Smith, passengers in steerage are strongly discouraged from fraternizing with their wealthy counterparts in first class, who no doubt will be too busy admiring their "Riverdance" statues. Sketching with sharp pencils and disrobing gratuitously will also be frowned upon.

It was recently discovered that Flatley One carries only enough inflatable lifeboats for its first class passengers and crew. "Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that minor detail," Smith said. "It’s highly unlikely that we’ll run into a large object, such as an iceberg, in the sky. And even if we do crash into the frigid waters of the North Atlantic, our steerage passengers will have so much Guinness flowing through their veins that it’ll function like anti-freeze. They’ll survive for days!"

Oddly enough, Capt. Smith has never witnessed a live performance of Lord of the Dance, but he hopes to do so at the RDS next weekend. "Although I’ve yet to see Michael Flatley dance in person, I’ve become a VERY big fan of his. I especially enjoy the way he throws his arms up at the end of the show and yells, ‘I’m the King of the World!’ My god, it’s absolutely brilliant!"

The poker tournament to procure spots in Flatley One's steerage section will take place this weekend at Chicago's Airport Marriott. Winners will be checked for lice before being allowed on the airplane. Losers will receive autographed posters of Leonardo DiCaprio as a consolation prize.

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