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AN INTERVIEW WITH A FLATHEAD

by Desmond Blarney

[Editor’s note: Like a pied piper, the alluringly charismatic Michael Flatley has beckoned his flock to the Emerald Isle for a celebration of music and dance the likes of which this city may never see again. And as three virtually sold-out shows at the RDS will attest, thousands have heeded his call.

The most ardent of his followers – a multinational, Internet-based group called the Flatheads – has already begun to arrive in Dublin. In a surprisingly short period of time, this hardy band of Celtophiles has become legendary for its near-religious devotion to the Lord of the Dance.

Like the Irish themselves, the Flatheads are a curious combination of seemingly disparate qualities. They are a compassionate lot, always ready to reach out to anyone in need. They are also irrepressible hedonists, constantly seeking out life’s greatest pleasures. But perhaps what they have become best known for is their readiness to defend their idol to the death; if threatened, Flatheads will rise and fight with the ferocity of ancient Celtic warriors.

The Gazette’s Desmond Blarney recently caught up with two members of the Flathead vanguard on the banks of the River Liffey, where they were bathing in preparation for their arrival into Ballsbridge. The following is his interview with "Tuba Guy" and "Shamu," [as these gentlemen are known within their circle of friends.]

TUBA GUY: (singing) Figaro, Fi-garo, FI-ga-rooooo! Wow, do I feel ZEST-fully clean today! YEE-haaa! Pass me more of that ZEST soap, will ya Shamu?

SHAMU: Actually, dude…it’s Irish Spring.

TUBA GUY: Yeah, whatever. Hey, Des! We’ve been waitin’ for ya! Like, what’s happenin’, man?

BLARNEY: (shaking hands) Céad míle fáilte! I very much appreciate your granting us this interview.

TUBA GUY: Hey, no sweat, Des! Actually, Shamu and I were hoping a young Irish lassie would show up to talk to us…hehe, just kidding!

SHAMU: Dude, why’s it, like…the "River Liffey" instead of, like…the "Liffey River"? Are the Irish…dyslexic or somethin’?

TUBA GUY: (eyes rolling over) Don’t mind him, Des – he’s a little, uh, brain-damaged from something called "ellipsis chronicus ad nauseum."

SHAMU: At least I’m not…dorky enough…to play the tuba.

BLARNEY: So, then, why have you gentlemen come all this way to Ireland to see Lord of the Dance?

TUBA GUY: Oh, lots of reasons: to meet other Flatheads, to see the world’s greatest dancer before he finally calls it quits, to experience your wonderful culture…

SHAMU: Guinness! Chicks!

TUBA GUY: Go jump in the river, will ya, Shamu? As I was saying, Des, there’re a lot of reasons we’re here, but probably the best is that we can go to a cybercafe and make everyone jealous as hell back home!

SHAMU: Yeah…jealous!

BLARNEY: How do you respond to outsiders who say that you’re all a bit…odd?

TUBA GUY: Well, I think everyone’s a little odd in their own way. The fact that we’re willing to put our eccentricities out in the open makes us less odd than most. Get my drift?

SHAMU: Guinness! Chicks!

TUBA GUY: Of course, some of us are odder than others.

BLARNEY: That’s quite interesting. You’re saying then that to become more "normal," one must first come to terms with one’s "abnormalities"?

TUBA GUY: Exactly!

BLARNEY: Fascinating. Anyhow, I understand that you’ll be inhabiting Herbert Park for the next week or two?

TUBA GUY: Uh, not really. Shamu and I were able to scrape up enough spare change to stay at a hostel a couple of blocks from here. Being in a VERY small minority of men, we felt it’d be safer if we slept by ourselves.

BLARNEY: So, you’re feeling a bit apprehensive about your female counterparts, then?

SHAMU: Dude…those vibratin’ vamps, like, totally freak me out.

TUBA GUY: I gotta agree with Shamu on this one, Des. They’ve gotten pretty scary lately, especially Z the Bag Lady. She’ll be the one wearing a wedding dress and carrying a lasso. If you’re a single guy, you should consider hiding out in a monastery for the next couple of weeks.

BLARNEY: Well, that’s about all the time I have for now. Thank you both so much for your time, and I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay in Ireland. Sláinte!

TUBA GUY: Thanks, Des, we’ll see ya around!

SHAMU: Guinness! Chicks!
 
 

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