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IRISH GOVERNMENT LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN TO HELP TO WEB-ADDICTED FLATHEADSby Desmond BlarneyLook out, Dublin, the Flatheads are here.
If at all curious, you may be asking yourselves, Where are they, then? Are they in Trinity College admiring the Book of Kells? Are they on St. Stephen’s Green relaxing and enjoying the ambience? Are they in Temple Bar savoring a Guinness after a refreshing bath in the River Liffey?
The answer is: none of the above. To see a Flathead up close and personal, you’d best make your way to the nearest cybercafé, or university computer lab, or community library. If you’re privileged enough to own a computer with Internet access at home, some of them may come knocking on your door. In a stern test of your Irish hospitality, they may ask to borrow your computer to surf the Web whilst you and your family are asleep.
It should come as no surprise that the average Flathead spends more time in front of a computer than the hardiest Irishman spends in a pub. To those uninitiated in Flathead culture, the "Lord of the Dance" website (www.lordofthedance.com) is their town square, their bulletin board, their "picket fence" across which to rejoice and to commiserate, to laugh and to weep. It is both an intimidating and a fascinating place, full of disembodied yet distinct characters with personalities far more colourful and varied than our forty shades of green.
"Whilst we recognise and even marvel at the Flathead phenomenon, we feel that their lives could be even richer if they paid more attention to the simple pleasures in life," said Dr. Ciara Sheehan, a well-known psychologist and author of "It’s OK If You’re Not Irish." "As content as they may appear to be, the Flatheads need to get away from their computers, if only to bathe more regularly. After all, good social interaction starts with good hygiene."
The campaign to wean the Flatheads from the Internet is being directed by Bord Fáilte under the auspices of the Irish government. "Prime Minister Ahern has entrusted us with this important task," said Siobhan Flannery, director of Ireland’s tourist board. "In his own words, we need to ‘show them what craic is all about.’ We feel we’re up to the task and have conceived the proper strategy: we’re going to take advantage of home-grown Irish hospitality to entice the Flatheads away from their computer screens."
Bord Fáilte’s "Show Them What Craic Is All About" campaign is aimed at educating the public on how to recognise and interact with a Flathead. "Their disheveled appearance generally gives them away, especially if they’re wearing some sort of ‘Lord of the Dance’ attire," Flannery said. "The tricky part is communication, as they seem to have developed their own brand of shorthand language."
At Trinity College’s Department of Linguistics, a few "Flathead-isms" are being analysed: "Lol" (rhymes with "pole") most likely denotes a state of mirth, "Veg" (rhymes with "ledge") may involve a diabolical use for carrots, and "Rotfull, Mayo" appears to be an imaginary town in County Mayo where the inhabitants are unable to stay on their feet. "I’ve never heard of Rotfull, but it sounds like a really fun place to visit," Flannery said.
At the Shamrock Cybercafé on Grafton St., a Flathead is seated at every computer terminal with dozens more queueing up for their turn. The air is redolent with the scent of Bernini. "You know, I can’t really complain since it’s good for business," said proprietor Damien Malone. "And these folks don’t spend ALL their time, here – they DO go to the RDS at night."
A pair of Flatheads at the Shamrock offered their viewpoints on their unique lifestyle. "I’m having a ripping good time, mate," stated OzMom. "Knocking down a few tinnies whilst I surf the Web – this is the life!" Her companion, DNA Dame, concurred. "It just doesn’t get any better than this," she said. "Uh, pass me some of that Bernini will ya, OzMom?"
Your mission is clear, fellow Dubliners: show them what craic is all about.
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