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MICHAEL FLATLEY, LORD OF THE RING?

by Nelson Hoodwinkle

From flying feet to flying fists, from knockout looks to knockout punches, Michael Flatley wants to change his image. Despite creating, producing and starring in the biggest dance extravaganza this side of Mercury, this other-worldly performer is getting ready to leave Planet Ireland for the final frontier, to boldly go where no step dancer has gone before. Beam me up, Scotty – this is one voyage I don’t want to miss.

Like the chess master he's purported to be, Michael Flatley is always thinking several moves ahead. His well-publicised progression from the Chieftains, to Riverdance, to Lord of the Dance, and now to Feet of Flames is ample testimony to his uncanny, Spock-like foresight. If this Don Juan gets together with Don King and conquers the boxing world, what next? Movie stardom (yes, he's making plans), politics, big business, the Nobel Prize for Greatest Human Being Ever to Walk the Face of the Earth? For this erstwhile ditch-digger from Chicago, the sky's the limit.

But let's discuss his boxing aspirations, which this member of the primitive male species finds positively intriguing. According to boxing promoter Barry Hearn, several prospective opponents have been approached regarding a real-life Duel against the Lord of the Dance. Oddly enough, none of them wants any part of it.

"It's a no-win situation for these guys," explained Hearn. "If they win, people will say, 'Big deal, you just beat a 40-year-old guy who hasn't boxed in over 20 years.' If they lose, it'll be the ultimate, career-ending embarrassment. Although they’re more experienced in the ring than Flatley, the fella’s just good enough to give them second thoughts."

There’s an even more compelling reason why hardened, professional fighters are reluctant to mix it up with the feisty Flatley, according to former WBA Featherweight Champion Barry McGuigan. "Me wife’s a huge fan of Michael, yeah," he said. "If I ever boxed against him and messed up those pretty boy looks, she’d give me the cold shoulder the rest of me bloody life. I mean, we’d be talkin’ Siberia, here!"

Hearn readily agreed with McGuigan’s assessment. "Michael’s sex appeal among women has become legendary," he marveled. "Consequently, any guy who fights and beats him automatically turns into the most hated man on Earth as far as the female species is concerned. Basically, he might as well live in a monastery. Next to him, Jack the Ripper will seem like Tom Cruise."

Alas, such is the irony in this prancer-turned-pugilist’s ascension to stardom – in his desire to leave  his sweet orbit to pursue the sweet science, Michael Flatley may have unwittingly become a victim of his own success. Although a handsome purse may yet entice a hungry challenger to answer the bell – and give up on women forever – Flatley may not want to settle for second-best. We’ll have to see how the next episode unfolds, but for now the message seems to be written in the stars: You’re a lover, Michael, not a fighter. Only Captain James T. Kirk could be both.

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