Jake's Top 10

10. You need a matching bookend for your $22,000 ‘Lord of the Dance’ statue.
9. You need a paperweight for your $80,000 gold-plated, diamond-studded LOTD program(s).
8. It’s a terrific way for Shamus to appease Zammi into staying a "kept woman," thus avoiding ma-, marr-, marr-…(you know what we mean).
7. It could serve as a useful weapon during a "Michael Moment" melee.
6. You want to give your kids a vote of confidence that they can put themselves through college, just like you did.
5. Your new VISA Platinum Card is saying, "Go ahead, make my day."
4. You want to prove you’re a fan of BOTH shows.
3. It’s the perfect icebreaker during a typically subdued pre-show gathering.
2. Your name is Bill Gates and you need a doorstop for the servants’ quarters.
1. You’ve always wanted to be Flat-broke.

10. "So, like, where’s the nearest McDonald’s?"
9. "We’re going to Temple Bar? Gee, I didn’t know there was a Jewish synagogue in Dublin!"
8. "We came, we saw, we partied!"
7. "When in Rome, do as the Romans…(glug, glug) BURRRPP!"
6. "Sightseeing? Who’s got time for that when we can spend all day in the cybercafe reading and posting on the VB?"
5. "Looking for Zammi? She’s the little vixen surrounded by all those men on their hands and knees."
4. "Looking for Shamus? He’s the poor fella with a shotgun being held to his head by Zammi’s brother, David."
3. "Looking for UK Bob? He’s the bloke doing push-ups with his lips."
2. "Looking for UK Linda? She’s the maniac chasing Mitzi around with a rolling pin."
1. "Hey, Ronan, thanks a million for letting use your place for our pre-show gathering!"

10. Sunscreen.
9. Miss Manners’ Guide to Proper Etiquette During a Live Performance
8. David Letterman’s "Top Ten Drunken Irishman Jokes"
7. Miss Manners’ Guide to Livening Up a Comatose Pre-Show Gathering
6. (Bob) A tuba
5. (Mitzi) Miss Manners’ Guide to Kissing Englishmen With Stiff Upper Lips and Pretending to Enjoy It
4. (UK Bob) Viagra Lip Balm
3. (Shamus) A wedding ring
2. (Shamus again) A return plane ticket
1. (Zammi) Latex gloves, since Terry knows how to get rid of fingerprints

10. Feet of Flames – "The Last Dance"
9. London – "My Kind Of Town"
8. Riverdance management – "Send In the Clowns"
7. Choreographing Planet Ireland – "Dancing In the Dark"
6. Morrighan, the Seductress – "The Lady Is a Tramp"
5. 1997 U.S. tour – "It Was a Very Good Year"
4. Troupe 3 – "New York, New York"
3. Career post-LOTD – "The Best Is Yet To Come"
2. Personal life post-LOTD – "Love And Marriage"
1. Philosophy on life – "(I Did It) My Way"

10. At the end of "Planet Ireland," Michael throws up his arms and yells, "Yada! Yada! Yada!"
9. During "Stolen Kiss," Michael double-dips Bernadette.
8. To dramatize his entrance in "Warriors," Daire comes running out and slides halfway across the stage.
7. After the last encore, Michael picks up a microphone and pays tribute to his troupe by saying, "Without these guys, all you folks would still be watching ‘Riverdance’…not that there’s anything wrong with that!"
6. Instead of performing "The Duel," Michael and Daire hold "The Contest," where each tries to avoid putting the moves on Morrighan or Saoirse.
5. In their own version of "Breakout," the Warlords strip down to biker shorts and "mansierres."
4. Michael changes the name of the show from "Lord of the Dance" to "Master of His Domain."
3. During "Breakout," Saoirse gives Morrighan a shove and yells, "Get OUT!"
2. At the beginning of "Dangerous Game," Michael glares at Daire and sneers, "Hello, Newman."
1. Advertisements for the Hyde Park extravaganza proudly proclaim: "Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance – the Show About Nothing."

10. LOTD: Rockin’ Irish band in stereo; Titanic: Rockin’ Irish band in steerage.
9. Titanic: Considered unsinkable by many…NOT!; LOTD: Considered unthinkable by many…NOT!
8. Titanic: Best show at the Oscars ’98; LOTD: Best show at the Oscars ’97.
7. Titanic: Built in Ireland by erstwhile White Star; LOTD: Built in Ireland by erstwhile Riverdance star.
6. Titanic: Band plays spiritedly during major jam; LOTD: Band plays spiritedly during flute jam.
5. Titanic: Three sister ships – Titanic, Britannic, Olympic; LOTD: Three sister shows – T1, T2, T3.
4. Jack (arms upraised): "I’m the King of the World!"; Michael (arms upraised): "I’m the King of the Ring!"
3. Celine Dion: "My heart will go on"; Anne Buckley: "My career will go on."
2. Rose (crying): "Don’t leave me, Jack"; Morrighan (crying): "Don’t leave me, Jake."
1. Titanic: Not enough lifeboats – most passengers go overboard; LOTD: Forget the lifeboats – fans already *way* overboard.

10. Ronan’s delightful songs
9. Ruining Doherty’s sensibilities
8. Rock Dublin, Statesiders!
7. Revelers dancing "Siamsa"
6. Really dramatic stepdancing
5. Repelling Dorcha’s sinisterness
4. Ravishing dreamgirl Saorise
3. Red-dressed seductress
2. Riverdance’s daring sister
1. Roasting Diarmaid subjectively (submitted by LACY – don’t blame me!)

10. As an entertainer on the ill-fated RMS Titanic, he debuts a new and breathtaking form of Irish dance in "A Fiery Night to Remember." After the ship hits an iceberg and begins to sink, he valiantly taps out "S.O.S." on the deck until the very end.
9. In "The Full Mikey," a brilliant study of midlife crisis, he portrays a character who works as a plumber by day, a male stripper by night.
8. In a guest appearance on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," he portrays the Lord of the Fangs, a handsome and debonair descendant of Count Dracula. He almost turns Buffy into a vampire herself when he attempts a Stolen Bite.
7. In a sequel to "Love Story," he plays a flamboyant and cocky dancer who falls for an attractive but skeptical dance critic played by Ali McGraw. Most memorable line: "Dancing means never having to say you’re sorry."
6. In a tantalizing commercial for blue jeans, he casually strolls to the camera and murmurs in a seductive brogue, "Nothing comes between me and my Levi’s."
5. In a remake of the ‘70s TV action series "The Six Million Dollar Man," he portrays a bionic crime fighter in "The Forty Million Dollar Legs Man."
4. In a sequel to the comedy "Twins," he and Colin Dunne assume the roles originally played by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito, respectively. "Only their mother could tell them apart."
3. As the star performer in a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical for Broadway, "Michael and the Amazing Technicolor Bolero Jacket."
2. In a breakthrough performance worthy of an Oscar, he portrays an obsessed Web addict in "First!", a masterpiece of film noir. His life changes forever when he develops an online romance with a webmistress/femme fatale named Zamboni, only to discover that she belongs in the oppressive harem of a sexually confused man named Shampoo. At her behest, he murders Shampoo to secure her affection. Much to his chagrin, however, she double-crosses him to run off to Ireland with her true love, a wealthy software mogul named Gil Bates.
1. (commercial filmed right after Michael’s grand finale with Troupe 1) Reporter: "You’ve won the hearts of millions as the Lord of the Dance – what are you going to do now?" Flatley: "I’m going to Disney World!"

10. He’s wearing black leather boxing shorts.
9. In between rounds, his trainer sprinkles him with magic fairy dust.
8. In between rounds, he gives autographs and kisses to the audience.
7. In between rounds, spectators pelt you with cheesecake.
6. Instead of the rope-a-dope, he tries the rap-a-tap.
5. He hits you with 35 jabs per second.
4. Spectators hold up signs which say "MICHAEL – WHACK THAT BUM – ONE MORE TIME."
3. His nickname is "Iron Mike," but he doesn’t try to bite your ear off.
2. After knocking you to the canvas, he falls to his knees and yells, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
1. As you’re being carried away on a stretcher, fireworks go off around the ring.