The human brain would win hands down if pitted against the most sophisticated sensory machinery. Nothing is really wasted on it. The minutest of details are absorbed by one of the three conscious levels. One fine day, I realised that my impressions and observations about Tabu are laden with inconsistencies. Be it Tabu the actress, Tabu the star, Tabu the daughter, Tabu the friend or Tabu the person, there exist contradictions aplenty. Who better, than the lady herself, to delve into some of these dichotomies:
I’ve never made a conscious effort to do X, Y or Z kind of films. It’s always been an instinctive decision to accept or reject a movie. If the role is good, and I know that the director will do justice to it, I accept the film. Also, with some film-makers, you feel that you benefit from the sheer experience of working with them. Take Gulzarsaab, I don’t even listen to the subject of the film, I just agree to it. Besides, I think I’m lucky to be offered varied roles in an industry where it’s so easy to get typecast. I’m fortunate that David Dhawan thinks I suit his Biwi No. 1, Mehul Kumar feels I am right for Kohraam, Priyadarshan casts me in his offbeat Malayalam films and Gulzarsaab considers me good for his films. For me, acting rather than the style of cinema, is important. If I am unable to do films tomorrow, I’ll move to TV or commercials.
Awards are not a measure of one’s acting abilities. Many stupendous actors in our country haven’t got any awards, that doesn’t undermine their acting skills. Take the National Awards, for example. About 500 films from across India compete with each other. All of them have equally good performances, but there is only one winner in each category. If my film is among the other 499, then I’m as good as the award winning one, as all those films are on par. I don’t feel bad if I don’t get an award, but I also wish I had got it. I consider an award a temporary stamp of appreciation. Compliments are important, especially for an actor’s psyche. If you are not applauded, then you wonder why you are working. However, awards are not the only means of acknowledgement. Stardom is about the vibe that 950 million people give you when they see you on screen. If these people didn’t see my movies, I wouldn’t be in the movies. The actual appreciation lies in your fan following, the articles written in the media, positive public feedback, the reactions of the audiences during live shows, and the opinion of a few close people whose judgement you trust.
I think make-up is the most essential part of a heroine’s career. Glamour is synonymous with commercial cinema.
People, obviously, wouldn’t like to see a deglamourised and morose-looking heroine on screen. I have to do make-up because that’s the demand. I have rarely done scenes without make-up. Also, it depends on the kind of film you are doing, and which cameraman is shooting you. Not every cameraman can shoot you without make-up. Personally, no make-up means, a whole extra hour of sleep. Though I haven’t majorly sported different wigs and lenses in my films, I’ve worn them for photo sessions. Tell me, which magazine would put me on the cover without make-up, clad in a simple, cotton salwar kurta? Otherwise, who wants to go through the ordeal of wigs, pins, hair tightly tied up, glue, false eyelashes and layers of make-up? I don’t look down upon make-up or reject it totally because you can’t survive without it. I guess it’s not one of the fringe benefits of our career.
Strangely, now that you’re pointing it out to me, I realise all my friends also feel that I’m an extremist. They say, I’m so emotional that I can cry while watching Tom And Jerry. Simultaneously, I’m so detached that you could be saying the most hurtful thing, and it wouldn’t matter to me. I think subconsciously, I haven’t been able to reach a balance in my behavioural pattern. This extremism is also my biggest weakness. It’s discomforting sometimes, but I have learnt to accept myself as I am. It’s easier to do that than spend a lot of energy to make or break one’s habits.
One fine day, I tell myself, "I’m a star. I should look good. Why else do I buy so many clothes?" As a result, I make the effort to wear good clothes, apply lipstick before leaving the house, etc. For two odd days I’ll do it and then, I just drop it. You know, it’s a trip for me. For one week, I’ll go on a jeans and short top trip. Then on the eighth day, I’ll reverse, and start wearing only sarees. I don’t know why I do this. Maybe, I can’t adjust on mediocrity. It is not just about clothes. Even with my friends, if I visit one of them, I go all out. I’ll eat, sleep, literally live there, for say, 10 days. Then, suddenly, I’ll stop meeting them altogether.
I am contented, but I don’t know if I’m happy. Everyday, when I say my prayers, I thank God for making me successful, able, popular and economically independent. I get to roam the whole world and meet diverse type of folks. I have the love, blessings and appreciation of so many people. I have received more than I thought I would. Still, I know that the sky is the limit. Life has so much to offer which I haven’t yet taken. Wanting more awards, better films, a bigger house, etc, is a part of life. That aside, I want more as a person. I think there is a subconscious greed to want more out of life per se.
A mother-daughter relationship is the most complicated one. It takes different forms like friendship, rivalry, daughter mothering the mother, mother mothering the daughter... I wonder, if I have a daughter, what would I see her as? Perhaps, being of the same sex, I’d consider her a miniature version of myself. I’m sure every mother feels that way about her daughter. Maybe that’s why she desires that her daughter mould herself like she would want. That doesn’t happen, especially, if both are independent-minded women. My relationship with my mother is very strange. I don’t have a father. My sister, being married, is busy with her life. At the end of the day, it’s just my mother and me. I respect her a lot. She has friends, learns classical music, drives her own car, and is even busier than me. About keeping secrets, however much I try and hide something, she always knows. You may fool yourself and think she didn’t see you cry, she didn’t hear a particular conversation over the phone, or that she doesn’t know what you feel for a certain guy. Your best friend won’t know, but nothing is hidden from your own mother. My mom doesn’t probe, advise or bring up a subject unless, I talk to her. Her sensitivity is the only problem. I have to be extremely careful about her touchiness. All said and done, she is the person I live for today.
The most difficult phase in a relationship is the point till you make your mind up. That’s where our mistakes, ups and downs, regrets and stupid decisions, lie. Once I’ve decided that this is my relationship, I’ll give it my 100 per cent. No half-hearted relationships for me. After I arrive at a decision, I’d rather make things work to my benefit and be happy in it. I won’t still try to find faults and be unhappy. However, if I’ve made all the efforts to save my relationship, and yet, I feel that it’s not right for me, I’ll call it quits.
When I need to talk intelligent, I do. I can’t walk with an aura of, "I am very intelligent", all the time. As it is, people who don’t know me personally think that I’m a psuedo intellectual. That doesn’t really bother me. I consider being well-read and having an intellect, a very internal thing. I don’t go out of my way to project a bindaas or a nice human being image. Besides, I feel your true self comes out, in some, way or the other.
I have concluded, that everything in my life is psychosomatic. Earlier, when I used to be upset, confused, depressed or angry, I used to eat away to glory. Now, I drink endless cups of tea. When I’m depressed, I must have tea. I think the caffeine in it gets you addicted. I guess you could say, eating is all in my head, rather than my stomach!