Here it is...
The Rocky Horror South Park Show
by Arthur Levesque with Karen Savage
Here it is...
The Rocky Horror South Park Show
by Arthur Levesque with Karen Savage
ROCKY HORROR SOUTH PARK SHOW
A South Park/Rocky Horror Picture Show Crossover
By Arthur Levesque -- bs@boog.org -- http://boog.org
with lots of help from Karen Savage (karenjoy@erols.com)
[The opening sequence is a combination of Rocky Horror's (song
is song by a set of lips, but done in Terry Gilliam/"South Park"
animation style) and South Park's (behind lips is assembled picture
of South Park, with various scenes echoing the lyrics of the song,
with various cows and flying babies mixed in for effect).]
COMEDY CENTRAL CARTOON FEATURE
(to the tune of "Science Fiction/Double Feature")
Eric Cartman was fat when he ignited his cat
But his mother said he was big boned
And then Kenny was there in orange winterwear
Mumbling everything in muted tones
But something's amiss between Stan and his sis
She attacked him with a lawnmower
Terrance and Phil brought a smile to the face of young Kyle
But they just made his mom fume and glower
It was the...
Late-night Comedy Central Feature
There are four butts on that strange creature
See aliens kidnap Kyle's brother
And the chef gets everyone's mother
At the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
I saw the great Scuzzlebutt weave, bite and cut
When a volcano sent lava downhill
And I laughed quite a lot when I saw Kenny get shot
Zapped, impaled, stampeded, and killed
Mister Garrison said that we should ask Mister Hat
Who screamed that we'd go straight to hell
But when the bus arrives, screams the woman who drives
"Sit down and shut up, or else I'll tell!"
It's a...
Late-night Comedy Central Feature
There are four butts on that strange creature
See aliens kidnap Kyle's brother
And the chef gets everyone's mother
At the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
I wanna go... Oh, oh...
To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
Out in the snow... Oh, oh...
To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
Ike's a dildo... Oh, oh...
To the late-night Comedy Central cartoon show
[Scene: The bus stop. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are waiting
for the bus]
ALL (that annoying singing thing): Thank god it's Friday! Thank
god it's Friday!
Stan: Just a few hours until my Uncle Jimbo takes us camping again!
Kenny (muffled by hood): Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Stan: Yeah, I won't be sleeping in his tent either!
Cartman: Hey!
Kyle: Here comes the bus.
Driver: Sit down! Shut up!!
[Children board bus. Stan and Kyle head towards their seat in the
back]
Stan (mutters): I'd like to beat that fucking bitch...
Mrs. Crabtree (Busdriver): What did you say?!?
Stan: I said, "I like to eat ducks and fish."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh. Me too.
[Driver hits bump, all children get tossed one seat forward]
[New scene, school cafeteria. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are
standing in line; various other children (Pip, Wendy, etc.) are
at tables eating]
Stan: I guess he finally did it, huh.
Kyle: I don't think there's any doubt about that. I can't
believe Mister Garrison finally flipped out and disappeared.
Cartman: I can't believe you guys. Everyone knows that Mister
Hat is the psycho and Mister Garrison is just a victim.
Stan: Dude, Mister Hat is just a goddamned puppet! He can't do
anything to Mister Garrison!
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Kyle: Yeah, and someone probably sticks his hand up Cartman's
butt all the time, too.
Cartman: You would want to stick your hand up my butt you
dildo!
Chef: Good morning, kids. How's the new substitute teacher?
Stan: She's OK.
Kyle: Yeah, she hasn't given us a test all week.
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Chef (laughing): Yes, I'd like to give her that myself. In
fact today, when she comes in for lunch, I'm going to sing her
a special song I wrote just for her, to welcome her to South
Park Elementary.
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Chef: Who knows!
Stan: Well, so long Chef.
Cartman: Salisbury steaks -- kick ass!!
[Children go to table to eat. Enter Ms. Ellen Gannet, the
substitute teacher]
Ms. Ellen: This looks delicious! All the children say you're
a wonderful little cook.
Chef: Speaking of delicious, I've got something to say.
Ms. Ellen: Uh huh.
Chef: I'd just like to sing you a little song to welcome you
to our elementary school family.
Ms. Ellen: Oh Chef!
DAMMIT, MS. GANNET
(to the tune of "Dammit, Janet" -- obviously!)
[Children sing the "Gannet" replies]
CHEF
My passion's so hot they might ban it (Gannet)
Your body is mine, let me man it (Gannet)
So please, don't make me right-hand it (Gannet)
I'm down on my knees praying
Dammit, Ms. Gannet, let's make sweet love!
My rod is long, let me ram it (Gannet)
There's a fire in my loins, let me cram it (Gannet)
My love tool for you's hard as granite (Gannet)
I'm down on my knees praying
Dammit, Ms. Gannet, let's make sweet love!
Give me a ring, I'm getting stiffer
Let me tell you how big I'll grow
That's three times bigger than Frank Gifford's
Oh, E-L-L-E-N, let's make sweet love!
[Ms. Ellen looks shocked, drops her tray and runs out of room.
Camera moves to children sitting at table with lunches. Close-up
on Cartman's tray, which is stacked to capacity with food (picture
John Belushi's lunch tray in "Animal House". He also has a big
bag of Cheesy Poofs with a "Farley Flavors Food" logo on it...]
CARTMAN
Oh, it's nicer than Salisbury Steak... Beefcake!
Now I'm so buff and I'm no fake... Beefcake!
Someday on TV I'll be so great... Beefcake!
I've one thing to say and that's food, you're good,
For me too... Oh, food...
KYLE
Goddammit!
CARTMAN
You're good...
STAN
You fat ass!
CARTMAN
I'm buff...
STAN
You're a super fat ass...
CARTMAN
There's much more left to eat... That's sweet...
[Kyle says "Dammit!"s]
STAN
You're such a fat ass we can't stand it (Dammit!)
When we saw all the food that you cram it (Dammit!)
Made us start to get sick and then panic (Dammit!)
When you walk down the street they yell
"Dammit, Cartman, you fat ass!"
Dammit, Cartman...
CARTMAN
Beefcake, BEEFCAKE!!
KYLE
Dammit, Cartman!
STAN & KYLE
You fat ass!
[Wendy Testaberger walks by and drops a note on Stan's tray
without saying a word. Cut to the set of "Jesus and Pals".
The Lord is sitting in his chair by the phone, and looks up
at the camera]
Jesus: I would like, if I may, to tell you a strange parable.
Yea, it seemed a fairly ordinary night when Stan Marsh and
his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny; four young, ordinary,
healthy kids, went into the woods on a camping/hunting trip
with Stan's uncle Jimbo, and Jimbo's war buddy Ned. It's
true there were liquor bottles, heavy, full, and 80-proof,
from which they were driving. It's true, also, that Jimbo's
sense of direction wasn't very good even on those few
occasions when he was sober... But yea, they were not going
to let a little thing like getting lost spoil the events of
their evening, were they? On a night out... it was a night
out they were going to remember... for a very long time.
Amen.
[Inside Uncle Jimbo's new truck. Jimbo and Ned are in the front
seat; Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are in the back seat. The
radio is on, playing "Jesus and Pals"]
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, that's the third bag of Cheesy Poofs
you've eaten already!
Cartman: Shut up, you damned Jew! I don't complain when you
eat all your goddamned Jew foods around me!
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about? I eat
all of the same things you do! You just eat ten times as much
you fat pig!
Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm big boned!!
Jesus (on the radio): OK, Richard from San Clemente, you're
on the air!
Nixon (on the radio): I have never been a quitter...
[Nixon speech continues in background, with occasional "Uh huh",
"Really?" and "Oh..." comments from Jesus]
Stan: What's the matter, Uncle Jimbo?
Jimbo: I think we might have taken a wrong turn a few miles back.
Stan: Don't tell me we're lost!
Jimbo: OK, I won't tell you.
Ned: I don't recognize anything here...
Jimbo: Well, I guess we'll just have to turn around and find the
road again.
[Suddenly, there is a loud bang and the car comes to a halt. The
car is filled with flying Cheesy Poofs]
Cartman: Son of a bitch!
Ned: What was that bang?
Jimbo: We must have blown something.
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff?
Ned: Oh man that's disgusting!
Jimbo: And I just got the insurance company to buy me this
truck after my last one blew up! Well, this looks as good a
place as any to set up camp.
Cartman: But we didn't have dinner yet! Where will we find food
in the middle of nowhere?
Jimbo: It is a hunting trip, son. We'll go out and shoot some grub.
Come on, let's get our gear out of the truck.
[ALL exit from car, and start walking through the woods. There is a
light rain falling, and Jimbo is holding a copy of "Crack Whore"
magazine (with Mrs. Cartman on the cover) over his head.]
THE HUNTING SONG
(to the tune of "Over At The Frankenstein Place")
JIMBO
Move quietly you all
Up against the wall
Standing tall, there's a grizzly beer
But we're hunters; nothing to fear
NED
Kumbaya...
JIMBO
Look out, it's coming right for us!
NED
If they're so sma-a-art...
JIMBO
Why do they live igloos?
NED
There's a shotgun, shotgun
JIMBO
In the gun rack for every one of us.
[Wendy has stowed away in the back of the jeep. She sings softly;
none of the men hear her]
WENDY
This hunting must stop
Through the forests of God's creatures
Go, hunters, go
Go to sleep, let Stan and I walk
Into the woods... Into the woods...
NED
Kumbaya...
JIMBO
Look out, it's coming right for us!
NED
If they're so sma-a-art...
JIMBO
Why do they live igloos?
NED
There's a shotgun, shotgun
JIMBO
In the gun rack for every one of us.
[Jimbo blasts the cute, innocent bear. Cut to "Jesus and Pals"
set, with Officer Barbrady (who, you'll notice, has no fucking
neck) sitting in a chair beside Jesus]
Barbrady: Nothing is happening, there's nothing to see here...
Or is there?
Jesus: OK, let's take another caller...
[Cut to kids (all for boys, and Wendy) walking through forest]
Wendy: I hope your uncle won't be upset that we went looking
for help.
Cartman: I'm upset that you brought along your little
girlfriend!
Stan (to Cartman): She's not...
[Wendy turns and stares at Stan]
Stan: I mean, ummm...
Cartman: Wendy and Stan, sitting in a tree...
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff!
Cartman: That's not how you spell "kissing"!
[All boys (after a pause) laugh, Wendy looks disgusted]
Stan: I didn't know she was in the trunk, I didn't get to read
the letter she gave me...
Kyle: Look, there some kind of castle up on that hill!
Stan: A castle? Really?
Cartman: Umm, guys, let's go back, I'm cold and I'm hungry...
Kyle: You're just scared you fat ass!
Cartman: I'm not scared and I'm not fat, goddammit!!
Wendy: Come on, they might have a phone.
Stan: Cool! Check out the gargoyles!
Kyle: They look like Scooby Doo on acid.
Cartman: Man, gargoyles piss me off!
Wendy: Why do you hate gargoyles, Cartman?
Cartman: Well, you know... You'll be walking along, minding
your own business and suddlenly they'll drop out of the trees,
drag you behind a bush, and pull down your pants until you yell
out, "Hey! You gargoyles! Stop touching my nuts!!"
[Brief pause while the other kids, confused, stare at Cartman]
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just talking about gargoyles. I hate those things!
Wendy: Cartman, gargoyles are Gothic waterspouts in the form of
grotesque humans or animals... They're a classic art form!
Cartman: Oh, garGOYLES. Yeah, I like those.
Stan: What were you talking about, Cartman?
Cartman: Nothing...
Stan: No! What drops out of trees, drags you behind a bush...
Cartman: Nothing...
Stan: And touches your nuts?
Cartman: NOTHI-ING!!!
[Wendy knocks on door. After a brief pause, during which they
have to grab Cartman and keep him from running away, the door
is opened by RIFF RAFF. Riff Raff is a tall, pale, balding,
emaciated-looking man dressed in a disheveled and dirty
butler's uniform. If you can picture Richard O'Brien rendered
in South Park-style construction paper animation, it looks cool!
His voice, of course, is imitated. Badly.]
Riff Raff: Hello.
Stan: Hi! My name is Stan Marsh, these are my friends Wendy,
Kyle, Kenny, and Eric.
[Riff Raff remains unimpressed]
Stan: We were hoping you could help us. We got lost in the
woods. Do you have a phone we could use?
Riff Raff (to Cartman): You're fat.
Stan (hesistantly): Ye-e-es...
Cartman: I'm big boned! Ah, fuck you.
[Lightning flashes. The kids turn and see a long line of cows
going into a side door of the castle]
Riff Raff: I think perhaps you'd better all come inside.
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff!
Riff Raff: As long as you clean up afterwards.
Wendy: You're too kind.
[They all enter. I don't think I need to describe the inside
of the castle, do I? Just remember to imagine it all rendered
in construction paper.]
Wendy: What kind of place is this?
Kyle: It looks like that genetical engineering place...
Riff Raff: This way.
Stan: Are you having a party?
Cartman: Is there any food?
Riff Raff: You've arrived on a rather special night. It's
one of the master's affairs.
Wendy: Oh, lucky him.
Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!
Ha ha ha...
LET'S GO TO SOUTH PARK AGAIN
(to the tune of "The Time Warp")
RIFF RAFF
It's delightful
Frosty's frightful
Jesus has a goal
He's stalking Santa...
MAGENTA
And chanting a mantra
RIFF RAFF
I've got the remote control...
I remember watching "The Spirit
Of Christmas" those moments when
The internet hit me
MAGENTA
And since then I've been calling...
[Riff Raff and Magenta chase the kids through a door into the
ballroom. In there are the Transylvanians, several cows, Brian
Boitano, and Kathy Lee Gifford (a Groupie). A huge banner reads
"BIG GAY FRANK'S BIG GAY TRANSYLVANIAN CONVENTION".]
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again!
[Cut to "Jesus and Pals" set for all of the Narrator's lines.
The Narrator, of course, is Penn Jilette, who does commercial
voice-overs for Comedy Central. Teller, seated at the right
hand of our Lord, does not speak.]
NARRATOR
It's just a bunch of young scamps
TRANSYLVANIANS
In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark
NARRATOR
It's why they made the V-Chip
TRANSYLVANIANS
And the humor's da-a-ark
Whenever Kenny dies
It really drives me insane...
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again!
MAGENTA
It's so funny, oh Stan shoot the bunny!
You don't need any money, no, not at all.
For every episode,
With my South Park Drinking Game code
On my cable, I watch all.
RIFF RAFF
Cartman is a big goof
MAGENTA
He's into those Cheese Poofs
[Cartman notices the pastry table, and mutters "Snacky cakes?
Kick ass!"]
RIFF RAFF
And chugging a big can of "Weight Gain"
MAGENTA
He's a buffed up sensation
RIFF RAFF
Like he's receiving inflation
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again!
KATHY LEE
Well I was in the talent show just a-doing my scene
Beat this short balding kid in a shirt of green
He and his puppet, they planned a surprise
Mister Hat's head spun around, he had glowing eyes
He shot at me, but I got away
Found this castle, been here since that day
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again!
NARRATOR
It's just a bunch of young scamps
TRANSYLVANIANS
In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark
NARRATOR
It's why they made the V-Chip
TRANSYLVANIANS
And the humor's da-a-ark
Whenever Kenny dies
It really drives me insane...
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again!
[Kathy Lee does her tap dance. Naturally, unlike Columbia,
she does NOT hit the steps and fall... Because she used
choreography! How could we compete with that?]
TRANSYLVANIANS
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again!
NARRATOR
It's just a bunch of young scamps
TRANSYLVANIANS
In the town of South Pa-a-a-ark
NARRATOR
It's why they made the V-Chip
TRANSYLVANIANS
And the humor's da-a-ark
Whenever Kenny dies
It really drives me insane...
Let's go to South Park again!
Let's go to South Park again!
[All (except kids) collapse on the floor, seemingly unconscious]
Wendy (not directed at any boy in particular): Say something.
Cartman: Hey, do you guys have any Cheesy Poofs?
[Transylvanians slowly get up and start leering at the kids.
Kids slowly start backing away.]
Stan: Dudes, let's get the hell out of here.
Kyle: Get a grip, man. It's just an adult party. Only we get
to see what happens this time because our parents haven't put us
to bed first.
Cartman: I've seen my mom's parties.
Kyle: Dude, we've ALL seen your mom's parties in "Crack Whore"
magazine.
Cartman: At least my mother's not the bitch that got "Terrence
and Phillip" cancelled!
Kyle: I told you not to call my mother a bitch, fat ass!
Cartman [doing the butt-wiggle]: B-b-b-bi-bi-b-bitch! Your...
mom... is... a... b-b-b-bi-bi-b-bitch!!
[Cartman and Kyle start fighting]
Wendy: Come on Stan, let's go.
Stan: We shouldn't go anywhere until we get to a phone.
Wendy: Well then, ask that butler or someone.
Stan: I don't want to ask the butler, YOU ask the butler!
Wendy [in her soft voice]: But Stan, I don't want to do it
alone...
Stan: you've got nothing to worry about...
[At that point Big Gay Frank appears behind them in the elevator
which they've backed up against. Frank, like Riff Raff and
Magenta, is a South Park cardboard representation of the Rocky
Horror character. Kenny immediately whimpers and tightens his
hood. Wendy screams and throws her arms around Stan. Stan
throws up.]
Wendy: Ew!
I'M JUST A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT
(to the tune of "Sweet Transvestite")
BIG GAY FRANK
How do they do it
There's nothing to it
South Park characters...
We're just cut out and drawn on
And then we've gone on
To be scanned into computers...
Don't get turned-off by the way we look
Don't judge a show by its budget
We don't get as much money as Buster Bunny
But we'll make you laugh so hard you'll vomit
I'm just a cardboard cut-out
From Comedy Central's South Park marathon
Let me show your our town
Or dress Stan like a clown
We can watch Terrence and Phil on the tube
And we can do something, maybe
Like play "Kick the Baby"
Or something with my big Hoobajoob...
STAN
We're sorry to drop by your home
Could we use your phone?
We'll be out of here on the double
WENDY
Right.
STAN
We'll just behave real good
Then go back to the woods
We don't want to cause any trouble
BIG GAY FRANK
Well you got lost in the woods, well, not too good
Well, kiddies, don't you worry
By the time the night is done we will all have some fun
And I'll get you back home in a hurry
I'm just a cardboard cut-out
From Comedy Central's South Park marathon
Why don't you stay for the while?
RIFF RAFF
While.
BIG GAY FRANK
And give me a smile?
KATHY LEE
Smile.
BIG GAY FRANK
I could show you my latest experiment
I've been making a man
With blond hair and a tan
And he's good for restoring my... temperament
I'm just a cardboard cut-out
From Comedy Central's South Park marathon
BEEFACKE!
I'm just a cardboard cut-out
FRANK, KATHY LEE, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA
Cardboard cut-out
BIG GAY FRANK
From Comedy Central's
KATHY LEE, RIFF RAFF, MAGENTA
South Park marathon
BIG GAY FRANK
Kids, come up to the lab
Yes, you, the one with the flab
I'll give you some of those Cheesy [pause] Poofs
But maybe your genes
Will splice with Lima Beans
So I'll remove some blood
Before I get boofs...
[Frank pokes Stan with a needle, then exits up the elevator]
Stan: Hey!
Wendy: Oh, Stan!
Kyle: Don't worry about it. We'll play along for now and see
what happens.
Cartman: They may have Cheesy Poofs. Focus on the Cheesy Poofs.
[Riff and Magenta try to take the coats and hats from the boys;
Kenny leaps in the elevator which has returned, Cartman squeals,
and the others just say things like "Hey! Let go!"]
Kathy Lee: Don't worry! It's too nice here to fight! I love
you! God loves you!
Stan: Screw you, we're going to talk to Brian Boitano...
Kathy Lee: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's
laboratory. Only special people get to go to the lab.
Cartman: We're gonna the lab, we're gonna see the lab...
Riff Raff: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept
waiting.
Magenta: Shift it!
[Kids are herded into elevator.]
Wendy (to Magenta): Is he, um, Frank I mean - is he your husband?
Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever
will be. We are simply his servants.
Cartman: That man is definitely a gay homosexual.
[Elevator arrives at lab. You know the scenery.]
Frank: Magenta, Columbia - go assist Riff Raff. I will
entertain... uh huh huh...
[Reaches out to shake hands with kids.]
Cartman (squeals): Don't touch me! [Hides behind Kenny]
Stan: I'm Stan Marsh; and these are my friends, Wendy, Kyle,
and Kenny. We call the one hiding behind Kenny "Fat Ass".
Cartman: Hey!
Frank: Enchante.
[Frank kisses Wendy's hand. Wendy giggles, Stan looks a little
jealous]
Frank: It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them... hospitality.
Stan: You wouldn't be related to a guy named Big Gay Al, would you?
Kyle: All we want to do is to use your telephone, dude.
Frank (ignoring Kyle): Do you have any tattoos, Stan?
Stan: I wish!
Frank (to Wendy): Oh well,.. how about you?
Wendy (a la Homer Simpson): Ummmm... No...
Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await
your... word.
[Riff walks over to a control panel and stands ready. Frank stands
between Magenta and Kathy Lee and gives the standard speech from
"The Rocky Horror Picture Show"]
Frank: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... You are about
to witness a new breakthrough in biochemical research...
[Frank's speech continues in the background, as the scene focuses
on the kids]
Cartman: That man is so gay.
Stan: Dude! There's nothing wrong with being gay!
Cartman: Stan wants to kiss... Doctor Frank-N-Furter...
Wendy (to herself): I know I do...
Stan: I do not!
Kyle: Yeah, you never threw up once when he talked to you!
Frank (continuing speech): It took a small accident to make
it happen... AN ACCIDENT!
[Frank pauses, unsure what to say next.]
Magenta & Kathy Lee (whisper): And that's when I discovered...
Frank: Oh, yeah, right. Let's start again. Three, two, one.
An accident! And that's when I discovered...
[Cut back to kids. Speech continues in background.]
Stan: I just want to use a phone, that's all.
Kyle: I don't know, I think I want to see what happens next.
[Frank moves to stand in front of a huge tank; Magenta and Kathy
Lee follow. The children stop talking and watch]
Frank: You see, you are fortunate for tonight is the night that
my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN! Hoopla!!
Kyle: What does "Hoopla" mean?
Cartman: It's a kind of corn snack food, like Fritos or Bugles.
[Quick shot of Riff throwing switches, then back to the kids]
Kyle: Do you ever stop thinking about food?
Cartman: Do you ever stop singing about that stupid dreidel?
[Kyle is about to hit Cartman. Cartman cringes. Stan jumps
in between them. Quick shot of Frank playing with the nozzles
over the tank, clearly marked "Worcestershire Sauce", then back
to the kids]
Wendy (in admiration): Oh, Stan!
[Cartman is still cringing, eyes closed]
Stan: It's all right, Cartman!
Kyle (pointing to tank): Look!!
[The tank has drained, and the creation within stirs. It looks
just like the clone of Stan from the Elephant/Pig episode. Quick
shot of the kids gaping in awe, then return to the monster which
we'll call ROCKY HORROR because I haven't had any better ideas.
Anyway, Magenta and Kathy Lee undress him until he's wearing
only the hat and gloves (one is huge) that Stan wears, and gold
speedos. Riff returns to the control panel and throws another
switch.]
Rocky (eyes pop open): I like to sing-a... About the moon-a
and the June-a and the Spring-a... I like to sing-a... About
the sky of blue and tea for two...
Kyle: What the hell was that?
Frank: He has only one ass! He is of no use to me!
Stan: Why would Frank want him to have more than one ass?
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Wendy: Ewww, gross!!
[Magenta pulls off both of Rocky's gloves, and turns them
inside out to use later. When the larger glove is removed,
we see on Rocky's right hand -- MISTER HAT!! Rocky starts to
run around the lab in panic, singing through Mister Hat]
GREAT BIG HOOBAJOOB
(to the tune of "Sword of Damocles")
ROCKY
A great big hoobajoob is hanging over my butt
And I've got the feeling that the thread is gonna be cut
Oh, look at me
I've been spliced genetically
And can't you see
That I'm about to get an big anal prober
I woke up this morning after having some bogus nightmares
ALL
That was no dream
ROCKY
And woke from my dreaming all surrounded by cattle and queers
ALL
That was no dream
ROCKY
My butt is sore
I'll be walking funny forevermore
And what's it for
Cuz I'm about to get an big anal prober
FRANK
Oh, Rocky!
ALL
Sha-la-la-la
That was no dream
ROCKY
Bachomp, bachomp!
ALL
Sha-la-la-la
That was no dream
ROCKY
Bachomp, bachomp!
ALL
Sha-la-la-la
That was no dream
ROCKY
Bachomp, bachomp!
[The following verse is a parody of the Criminologist's from the
stage version of "The Rocky Horror Show" which was left out of
the movie]
STAN
Rocky Horror, you're a clone of mine
You're not bad, in fact you are just fine
You're the product of some genes of mine
Are you ready? Here comes your line...
ALL
Here comes your line
ROCKY
A great big hoobajoob is hanging over my butt
ALL
That was no dream
ROCKY
And I've got the feeling that the thread is gonna be cut
ALL
That was no dream
ROCKY
Oh, look at me
I've been spliced genetically
And can't you see
That I'm about to get an big anal prober
ALL
Sha-la-la-la
That was no dream
ROCKY
Bachomp, bachomp!
ALL
Sha-la-la-la
That was no dream
ROCKY
Bachomp, bachomp!
ALL
Sha-la-la-la
That was no dream
That was no dream
Sha-la-la-la!
Frank: Well really. That's no way to behave on your first
day out.
Rocky: Me bad?
Frank: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared
to forgive you.
Rocky: Bachomp, bachewy chomp chomp!!
Frank: Oh, I just love success.
Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, master.
Frank: Yes.
Magenta: A triumph of your will.
Frank: Yes.
Kathy Lee: Can we splice an elephant and a pig now? I want a
pot-bellied elephant!
Frank: What?!? You know pig and elephant DNA just don't splice!
Kathy Lee: Oh yeah, that's right. We had Loverboy on our show
once...
Frank: Humph! Well, Stan and Wendy, what do you think of him?
Wendy: Well, I like a man with two free hands...
Cartman: Rocky has three free hands; his and Mister Hat's.
Stan: SHUT UP, FAT ASS!!
Frank: I didn't make him FOR YOU! He carries the South Park
Genetic Engineering Ranch's seal of approval!
ONE ASS
(to the tune of "The Charles Atlas Song")
BIG GAY FRANK
A monster having only one ass
Is just useless to me; I've failed in my task
But there in the tank with chemicals that stank
I spliced all his cells and they started to swell
I'll make him from Stan... James Dean...
And Mister Hat, and just a little bit of Bean
He's a freak and quite mean
He'll be a strange man. Oh honey...
TRANSYLVANIANS
You're a deranged man...
BIG GAY FRANK
He'll drink some Weight Gain 4000
Take exercise class
Try to bulk him up nicely
To super-fine ass
Then, my monster, if you only knew what will pass
I think I'll love you...
FRANK & TRANSYLVANIANS
Even with your one ass...
He'll scare children, aliens, cows and cops, and other jerks
And Mister Garrison, we're through with his quirks
Everything I needed I learned in his class
Maybe I can love you, oh baby...
Even with your one ass...
[A loud knocking sound comes from a closet door off in a corner
of the lab]
Frank: What? Who?
Kathy Lee: Regis?
[Mister Garrison comes out of the closet(snicker). There is a bloody
stump where his right hand (and Mister Hat) used to be]
TOILET HUMOR
(to the tune of "Hot Patootie")
GARRISON
Whatever happened to Saturday shows
All those classic cartoons that we watched long ago?
It don't seem the same since Fritz the Cat
Showed us all that cartoons fucked, cursed, and shat
Now we watch the Simpsons every Sunday night
And listen to Beavis and Butthead fight
The Japanese have cartoons you must see to believe
When the Warners sing about Uranus I really have to grieve
Toilet humor, it's the thing
A waste of time and demeaning
Toilet humor, it's the thing
Innuendo and name-calling
Toilet humor, it's the thing
Flatulence makes your buttocks sing
Toilet humor, it's the thing
Work those muscles like the chicks in Beijing
I had green apple splatters, boy did they smell
When kids question Mister Hat he damns them to hell
I'd slip out of the class at night and then meet a swine
Forget about elephant DNA, the piglet was mine
Go to the store, pick up "Crack Whore" mag
Mrs. Cartman was posing like a desperate hag
With excuses about prostates they try to get out of class
All those dirty words, woo! like diarrhea, fart and ass
Toilet humor, it's the thing
A waste of time and demeaning
Toilet humor, it's the thing
Innuendo and name-calling
Toilet humor, it's the thing
Flatulence makes your buttocks sing
Toilet humor, it's the thing
Work those muscles like the chicks in Beijing
[Frank pulls walks over to an "In Case of Fire" box hanging on
the wall, breaks the glass, and pulls out an axe. He chases
Mister Garrison around the lab, swinging the axe wildly. One of
his swings hits Kenny, flinging him into the closet.]
Kyle: Oh, my god! They killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!!!
[Mister Garrison trips and falls to the floor. Frank catches up
and decapitates him. Kathy Lee is screaming, the kids are
cheering, Rocky is just confused]
Rocky: Bachewy chomp?
Frank: Oh baby! Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing...
He had a certain naive charm, but no choreography...
ONE ASS (reprise)
(to the tune of "The Charles Atlas Song(reprise)")
BIG GAY FRANK
But DNA from a monkey
Some swiss cheese and a donkey
[Frank boogies with a midget in a bikini]
BIG GAY FRANK
I can, oooh, splice
Makes me want to take Rocky Horror for some vi-i-ice
FRANK & TRANSYLVANIANS
In think I'll love you even with your one ass
BIG GAY FRANK
I don't want no laxatives, just gluteus maximus
KATHY LEE
I want some sweet loo-ove
BIG GAY FRANK
In think I'll love you even with your one ass
I think that you pass!
In think I'll love you even with your one ass
[The big heavy curtains are raised and Frank leads Rocky off into
the bedroom... You know the drill!]
Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky,
rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! [etc.]
Kyle: Dude, this is seriously fucked-up right here.
Kenny (emerging from closet): Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff!
Stan: Hey, look, Kenny's all right!
[Setting: "Jesus and Pals" set]
Jesus: Yea, it is said that life is an illusion, and that reality
is but a figment of the imagination. But lo, as the children
were in the valley of the shadow of cheap sex, they felt
apprehensive and uneasy. This feeling did grow feeling as the
other guests departed, and they were shown to their separate
rooms.
[In the background, Cartman whining "But I don't want to go to bed
yet! when do we get dinner?" Scene shifts to a pink bedroom, with
Wendy in bed. Someone enters, and she sits up]
Wendy: Who is it? Who's there?
Stan: It's only me, Wendy.
Wendy: Oh, Stan, come on in. Maybe we can finally kiss now...
Stan: It's all right, Wendy, everything's going to be alright.
[Stan and Wendy kiss.]
Wendy: Hey! You didn't throw up! Wait a minute...
[Wendy pulls off "Stan's" hat, revealing that Stan is, in fact, Big
Gay Frank!!!]
Wendy (screams): OHHH! Oh it's you!
Frank: I'm afraid so, Wendy, but isn't it nice...
Wendy: You tricked me...
[Frank tries to kiss her again]
Wendy: Oh, stop... I mean help... Stan! Stan!!
[Wendy knees Frank in the groin, and runs out of the room]
Frank: They do grow up quickly these days...
[Scene shifts to another bedroom... Actually, the same one, but
this time everything is tinted green. Cartman hears a noise and
sits up]
Cartman: Who is it? Who's there?
[A large bag of Cheesy Poofs enters, and runs to the bed]
Poofs: It's only me, Eric.
Cartman: Cheesy Poofs! Kick ass!!
[Cartman grunts and pulls the bag up onto the bed. He tears the
bag open to reveal -- Big Gay Frank!!!]
Cartman (screams): Hey! Why can't I get anything to eat around
here!! What is this, Etheropia?
Frank: Well, Eric, tonight's the night that Cheesy Poofs get to
eat you!
Cartman: No! You tricked me!!
Frank: The others needn't know... I won't tell them...
[Scene ends... If you want to see more, you're sick! Anyway, we
now move to the lab, where Riff and Magenta are cleaning up after
the big convention. Actually, they're mostly watching Frank's
antics on the monitor.]
Riff: He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass,
but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
[They notice Rocky sleeping on Frank's bed, and get evil glints
in their eyes.]
Riff: I don't understand what the master sees in it.
Magenta: It has a nice ass...
Riff: It's a monster!
Magenta: It still has a nice ass!
Riff: It's still a monster!
[Riff grabs a menorah and threatens Rocky]
Rocky: Bah! Fire bad! Bachomp bachomp bachewy chomp chomp!!
[Rocky breaks the restraints holding him to the bed, and escapes.
Scene changes to a purple-tinted bedroom, just like the others.
Cartman's mom, wearing a flimsy neglige and carrying a crack pipe,
comes running into the room, waking up Kyle.]
Mrs. Cartman: Oh, Kyle, it's no good here. You've got to help me!
Kyle: Mrs. Cartman? What are you doing here?
Mrs. Cartman (climbs into bed with Kyle): Oh, Kyle, you're so
strong and protective.
Kyle: Are we going to make sweet love now? Cool!
[Kyle grabs the crack pipe, revealing that Mrs. Cartman is, in
fact, Big Gay Frank!]
Kyle: YOU!
Frank: I'm afraid so, Kyle, but isn't it nice...
Kyle: What have you done with Mrs. Cartman?
Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
Kyle: Nothing? You must be the only one South Park that hasn't!
Frank: Yes, well, ummm... Kyle, it wouldn't be all bad, would it?
Kyle: Stop it...stop it you faggot...
Frank: Shhh! Your friends are probably asleep by now, do you want
them to see you... like this!
[Frank yanks Kyle's pants down]
Frank: Wait a minute, where's the rest of it?
Kyle (yanks pants up): Like this, like how? It's your fault,
you're to blame!
Frank: You never told me you were Jewish!
Kyle: Don't belittle my people, you gay fuck!
[AP: 'Don't belittle my PENIS!']
[Kyle chases Frank out of the room, cursing and yelling. Scene
changes to another bedroom, identical to the others except for
being orange tinted. Stan's sister Shelley comes running in,
waking Kenny.]
Shelley: Kenny, thank God I found shomeone normal in here!
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Shelley: In the morning? OK, but you have to protect me...
[Shelley climbs into bed with Kenny. Kenny grabs her headgear
and rips it off, revealing -- Big Gay Frank!!]
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Frank: Yes, I know. But it won't be half bad, it might even be
quite pleasurable, actually... There's no crime giving yourself
over to pleasure...
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Frank (disgusted at what Kenny just suggested): Good lord, THAT
should certainly be a crime! Even *I* don't do THAT! You ARE a
dirty little bastard!
[Frank leaves. Kenny shrugs, goes back to sleep. Yet another
identical bedroom, tinted blue. Stan is in bed. Wendy comes
running in, and Stan checks his Teiko watch (4:20) and sits up]
Wendy: Oh, Stan, it's no good here. We've got to leave!
Stan: Don't worry Wendy, we'll be away from here in the morning.
Wendy (tries to climb into bed with Stan): Oh, Stan, you're so
strong and protective.
Stan: Wait a minute! You're not Wendy! She never acts afraid
like that!
Wendy: But Stan...
Stan: Get out! Get out!
[Stan beats Wendy with a pillow and chases her out of the room
and into the hallway. She runs away, crying, and he walks back
into the room. He sees Frank waiting there on his bed, wearing
a Chewbacca mask.]
Stan: God damn it!!!
[Frank starts to move toward Stan...]
Stan: Don't be gay, Frank! Don't be gay!
[The lights start flashing and Riff Raff's face appears on a
monitor screen on the wall]
Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished.
Your new playmate is loose and somewhere on the castle grounds.
Magenta has just released... the dogs.
Frank: Mmmmm? Coming!
[Cut to the lab. Wendy enters, still crying...]
Wendy: What's happening here? Oh, Stan, how could you do that to
me? Oh, if only I hadn't come along... if only we hadn't gotten
lost...
[Wendy notices the monitor, and starts flipping switches...
Various castle rooms (empty), outside shots, and locations in
South Park flash by on the screen. She stops when she sees a
familiar face -- Chef, sitting on his bed smoking, with two women
(from "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe") asleep behind him.]
Chef's two women: Tell us about it, Chef! Ha ha ha!
ONCE IN A WHILE
(to the tune of "Once In a While")
[Note: "Once In a While" is a song from "The Rocky Horror Show"
which did not make it into the movie. The actual lyrics can be
easily found on-line, and any album of the stage show will have
this song on it (the "Rocky Horror International" CD has the
version Barry Bostwick sang for the movie). A reconstruction of
the scene can be found on one of the RHPS laserdiscs.]
CHEF
Once in a while
When you want some sweet love
You call a girl on the telephone
You get in your car, go to a bar
You say some junk and get her drunk
And take her home...
And most of the time
That's all it takes
To get a chick to ride your bone
The stronger the wine
The better your chances get
To do something with that someone
You barely know...
So, baby don't cry
Tomorrow morning
All of you white women feel that way
There's not too much pain
I'll call you again
So lots of luck, here's twenty bucks
Get on your way
And most of the time
That's all it takes
To get greased and get a piece
So give her wine to have a good time
If you're not sore and you want some more
To score again...
Wendy: I'm so confused! What's happening here? Where's Stan?
Where's anybody? Oh, Stan, how could you chase me away like
that? If only I hadn't come along on this trip... If only we
hadn't gotten lost... Oh, if only we were amongst friends...
Or sane persons!
[Wendy hears a groaning coming from the tank... She walks over,
pulls back a red sheet, and discovers Rocky. Rocky has some dirt
and scratches on his face and arms, and seems frightened.]
Wendy: Oh, but you're hurt... Did they do this to you? Here,
let me help...
[Cut to the "Jesus and Pals" set, where our Divine Narrator is
reading from a large, impressive-looking book on a gold stand.
A red, silk ribbon is in place as a bookmark, and the typeface
is a beautiful gold-edged calligraphy. Jesus looks up at the
camera and closes the book. The cover informs us that Jesus
was not reading the bible, but rather the collected works of
Jackie Collins...]
Jesus: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind... Lustful
or sinful mental state. Actually, a lot of people have wondered
what my stance on premarital sex truly is. So I'd like to state
once and for all my true opinion. You see-
[Suddenly, the image is replaced by a card that reads 'South Park
Public Access']
Voice-over announcer: That's all the time we have left for Jesus
and Pals, now stay tuned for Magenta's Movie Reviews!
[Cut to Magenta and Kathy Lee Gifford in Kathy Lee's room,
watching a monitor. On the monitor are Wendy and Rocky.]
Kathy Lee and Magenta: Tell us about it, Wendy.
[Cut to Wendy and Rocky in lab. For all of Kathy Lee and
Magenta's lines, cut briefly to them in Kathy Lee's room, then
return to Wendy and Rocky.]
KISS-A KISS-A KISS-A KISS ME*
(to the tune of "Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me")
* [For those of you hoping for something ruder -- Sick, dude,
she's only eight years old!!]
WENDY
I was angry at Stan, I'm no fan
Of how he always barfs at me
Magenta: You mean he...
Kathy Lee: Ewwww!!
WENDY
I hoped someday he'd miss me
Maybe even kiss me
But all he ever does is
Just piss me off...
Now all I want to do
Find someone new
I like my Stan but I want more
MAGENTA & KATHY LEE
More, more, more!
WENDY
He won't regurgitate, he
Won't tell his friends he hates me
He is strong and silent
Won't irritate me
Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Tell me that I'm pretty
hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Creature like my Stan
Then if our love ends, we'll be friends
I'll call you up and we'll hang out
MAGENTA & KATHY LEE
Out, out, out!
WENDY
We'll play "Missile Bombardment"
At my mom's apartment
We'll even double-date
But I hate Cartman!
Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Tell me that I'm pretty
hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Creature like my Stan
Kathy Lee: Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Magenta: Tell me that I'm pretty
Kathy Lee: hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Magenta: Creature like her Stan
WENDY
Kiss-a kiss-a kiss-a kiss me
Tell me that I'm pretty
hug me, hug me, don't bug me
Creature like my Stan
Rocky: Ba-chomp chewy chomp!
Stan: Ba-chomp chewy chomp?
Frank: Ba-chomp chewy chomp.
Cartman: Ba-chomp chewy chomp, god damn it!
Kyle: Ba-chomp chewy chomp.
Kenny: Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff.
Rocky: Ba-chomp chewy chomp!
Wendy: Ba-chomp chewy chomp, oh!
[Cut to elevator. Frank is whipping Riff Raff. Stan, Kyle,
Kenny, and Cartman are all riding the elevator. The whip is
passing awfully close to Kenny on Frank's backswings, and he
looks nervous...]
Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Merrrrrcy!
Frank: How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching!
Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute...master
Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.
Kyle: Forget that! See if you can find Terrence and Phillip
on the monitor!
[Frank glares are Kyle, who immediately shuts up and ducks behind
Stan]
Cartman (to Kyle): I'd never let a gay homosexual talk to me like
that! If he tried, I'd be all like, "Hey! Gay boy! Why don't
you get your bitch ass into the living room and pick me out some
drapes!"
[Frank spins around. Kenny ducks to avoid the whip]
Frank: Who said that?
[Cartman points to Kenny]
Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor.
[Frank and the kids all walk over to look at the monitor. There
is a man sitting in a wheelchair]
Stan: Hey, Grandpa! That's my grandpa.
Riff Raff: You know this earthling ...person?
Stan: Yeah, I do! He's my silly old grandpa!
Frank: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came
here with a purpose.
Cartman: Porpoises are stupid!
Stan: I told you, we got lost in the woods. I was telling the
truth.
Frank: I know what you told me... but your grandpa, this man is
not unknown to me.
Stan: So how do you know him?
Frank: Well, umm, let's just say it has nothing to do with the
Japanese mafia.
Riff Raff: Not a thingy-dingy!
Stan: Huh?
Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master.
Frank: He'll probably be in the disco. Shall we inquire of him
in person?
[Frank throws a switch on the control panel. Cut to grandpa in
the Big Gay Disco. Suddenly, the wheelchair zips across the floor
seemingly out of control, causing Transylvanians, cows, and Brian
Boitano to leap out of the way. The chair zips up two flights of
stairs, pulled by an almost unnoticible string, runs around
Magenta and Kathy Lee, and finally crashes through a wall and
into the lab]
Stan: Holy shit!
Grandpa: Goddammit, they don't make walls like they used to!
In the old days, crashing into a wall like that would have
killed me for sure!
[The wheelchair zips down towards the control panel. Kenny,
keeping an eye on Frank's whip, doesn't see the chair coming right
for him]
Riff Raff (pointing to wheelchair): Look out! It's coming right
for us!
[Kenny spins just in time to see the chair and whimper before it
runs him over and -- yes -- kills him.]
Kyle: Oh my god! They killed Kenny!
Stan: You bastards!
Grandpa (whacks Stan with cane): Watch your mouth, you ingrate!
Frank: Don't play games, Grandpa Marsh. You know perfectly well
what Stan and his friends are doing here.
Grandpa: You mean little Billy?
Frank (annoyed): Whatever!! It was part of your plan, was it not?
That he and his friends should check the layout for you? Well,
unfortunately for you, all the plans are to be changed. I hope
you're adaptable, Grandpa. I know the fat kid is.
Cartman: Hey!
Grandpa: Billy's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me.
I was in the forest hoping to get killed by natural causes.
[Suddenly, a sound comes from the tank. Frank strides over, pulls
the red sheet aside, and reveals Wendy and Rocky! And they both
(gasp!) AREN'T WEARING THEIR HATS!! OH MY GOD!!!]
Frank: Rocky!
Rocky: Me bad?
Stan: Wendy!
Wendy: Stan!
[Stan barfs]
Wendy: Ewww!
Frank: Rocky!
Rocky: Me bad?
Stan: Wendy!
Wendy: Stan!
[Stan barfs]
Wendy: Ewww!
Frank: Rocky!
Rocky: Me bad?
Stan: Wendy!
Wendy: Stan!
[Stan barfs]
Wendy: Ewww!
Frank: Listen...I made you...and I can break you just as easily.
Magenta (bangs gong): Master, dinner is prepared!
Frank: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be
optional.
[Exit all. Kenny's body is left behind, and is quickly carried off
by rats. Cut to: Jesus, sitting at KJ's Buffet, in a scene
reminiscent of "The Last Supper"]
Jesus: Yea, food has always played a vital role in life's rituals.
Take this and eat it, in memory of me.
Random South Park Citizen: Eat *this*, Jesus!
[Jesus doesn't even acknowledge the comment, but lightning from
the heavens swift and sure incinerates the RSPC]
Jesus: However informal this meal might appear, you can be sure
that there was to be very little bonhomie. [pause] Could
someone please pass the ketchup?
[Cut to the castle's dining room. Kathy Lee Gifford, Rocky, and
all of the children are gathered at the table. Big Gay Frank is
at the head of the table, and Grandpa Marsh is at the other end.
Grandpa has seven forks, and is testing each one to see if he
can reach a power outlet and kill himself.]
Grandpa: God damn it!
[Riff Raff and Magenta enter with a large hunk of meat on a tray,
which the drop in front of Frank for him to cut.]
Cartman: What? No appetizers?
Stan: Shut up, fat ass!
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
Kathy Lee: No, Frank is big boned, you are a fat ass.
[Kathy, Stan, and Kyle laugh]
Cartman: I don't get it!
Kyle: That's not what I heard! Why are you sitting so funny,
Cartman?
Cartman: Hey! Nothing happened, and if you think anything did,
I'll kick you in the nuts! Besides, Stan should be sitting
funny if you ask me.
Stan: Huh?
Cartman: Well, I mean, after the infamous Stan/Riff buttfuck
scene and all...
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
[The children start to argue and swear at each other as Riff and
Magenta walk around the table filling glasses. Finally, Frank
clears his throat to get their attention.]
Frank: A toast... to absent friends...
All: To absent friends.
Frank: And Rocky. Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Rocky... Shall we?
[Only Wendy tries to sing the final line. Stan glares at her.]
Dr. Scott: I came here to get killed, you son of a whore!
Kyle: Well, just drink more of this wine. Ewww!
[Riff and Magenta serve meat to all of the guests. Rocky wolfs
his slice down and tries to grab Cartman's]
Cartman: No, Rocky, that's my steak! No, Rocky! That's a bad
Rocky Horror! Frank, Rocky's being a dildo!!
Frank: Again? Hmmm, I made him better than I thought...
Cartman: What?
Kyle: I still can't believe Kenny's dead.
Stan: Yeah, and we never did find out what happened to Mister
Garrison.
Kathy Lee: Mister Garrison? Where? Where?
[Kathy Lee runs out in fright]
Frank: That's a rather tender subject. Another slice anyone?
[Everyone stops eating except for Cartman and Rocky, who
immediately start fighting over everyone else's food]
Grandpa: God damn it, why is it everyone is getting killed except
me? Billy, when are you going to be a good boy and kill Grandpa?
Stan: We've already been through all of this, Grandpa!
Grandpa: Well, what about you, you big fairy! Are you going to
kill me? You've wanted to for years!
Kyle: Hasn't there been enough killing already?
KENNY
(to the tune of "Eddie's Teddy")
KYLE
From the day that we met
He had troubles
He had no pet
'Cuz his family's poor
We give him Pez
STAN
But we're never sure just what Kenny says
KYLE
We won't hear him anymore
From the day that we met
All that he had
A hand-me-down coat
And some gasoline
Getting plastered
STAN
He was a dirty cheap little bastard
KYLE
Never managed to reach thirteen
STAN & KYLE
When Kenny said "Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff"
You knew he was a sick, poor kid
But when he gave up his life
To a gun or knife
FRANK
What a gaff
GRANDPA
Makes you laugh
CARTMAN
And I did
WENDY
Everybody killed him
The microwave, it grilled him
I said, hey, listen to me
Oh God, they just killed Kenny
But he lost his eye to a mutant turkey
KYLE
But he must have just known
Something's coming
And so he warned
Us in a note which reads...
ALL
What's it say? What's it say?
KENNY'S VOICE
Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff
Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff
Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff
[Stan and Kyle look at each other in concern. Cartman and Wendy
look shocked. Frank smirks. Grandpa is still trying to kill
himself with the silverware. Only Riff and Magenta are confused,
because they can't understand a word of the Kennyspeak]
ALL
When Kenny said "Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff"
You knew he was a sick, poor kid
But when he gave up his life
To a gun or knife
FRANK
What a gaff
GRANDPA
Makes you laugh
CARTMAN
And I did
ALL
When Kenny said "Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff"
You knew he was a sick, poor kid
But when he gave up his life
To a gun or knife
FRANK
What a gaff
GRANDPA
Makes you laugh
CARTMAN
And I did
ALL
Kenny...
[Frank stand up and pulls the tablecloth off of the table;
revealing the gutted body of Mister Garrison! The children scream!]
Children: Scream!
Frank: What's wrong? Mister Garrison turns himself inside-out
all the time!
Grandpa: Lucky stiff!
[Wendy runs toward Stan, who immediately throws up. So, she runs
past Stan and jumps into Rocky's arms]
Frank: Rocky! How could you?
Rocky: Me bad?
[Rocky goes on a rampage and starts throwing furniture around.
Frank pulls out an axe from under the table, and decapitates the
clone. Mister Hat twitches twice. The children run off in
different directions, with Frank in pursuit. Only Riff and Magenta
remain]
Riff & Magenta: Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Riff: Shut UP!
[Cut to staircase, where Frank is chasing Kyle. During the song,
there are brief shots of Stan pushing Grandpa into the elevator,
followed by Wendy and Cartman]
WISE UP
(to the tune of "Planet Shmanet")
FRANK
You shouldn't laugh; You'd better not smile
You'd better wise up, little Kyle
Aren't you glad that I use Dial?
You'd better wise up, little Kyle
I've laid your friend
We should be near the end
I was glad to see you lads
Lost in the woods, no help for miles
Now I'm angry, should I play "Kick the Kyle"?
[Big Gay Frank and Kyle run into the lab; Stan, Grandpa, Wendy
and Cartman also enter the lab from the elevator. Frank runs
toward the control panel; the others all run towards each other
in the center of the lab]
FRANK
You think your safe?
Well, you're in denial
You'd better wise up, little Kyle
The transducer will seduce ya
[Frank throws a switch on the control panel, and everyone else
is immediately stuck to the floor where they stand]
WENDY
My feet! I can't move my feet!
GRANDPA
Will you just kill me and get it over with, goddammit!
KYLE
It's as if we're glued to the spot!
FRANK
You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
WENDY
We're trapped!
FRANK
It's something you'll get used to
A mental mind fuck can be nice
Cartman: How come when you say f*bleep*k, it doesn't get
bleeped out like when we say f*bleep*k?
[Riff and Magenta enter the lab, and slowly walk to the control
panel. Frank is now standing in front of his victims]
Kyle: You won't find South Park quite the easy mark you imagine.
This sonic transducer... it is, I suppose, some kind of audio-
vibratory physiomolecular transport device?
Stan: You mean...
Kyle: Yes, Stan, it's something I was working on for our next
science fair. But it seems our friend here has found a means of
perfecting it. A device which is capable of breaking down solid
matter and then projecting it through space and, who knows,
perhaps even time.. itself!
Cartman: Sweet!
Kyle: At least he knows how to travel in style!
FRANK
Style schmyle, Kyle!
You'd better wise up, little Kyle
You better wise up, make some pies up
You better wise up
[Quick cut to Jesus on his set, and then back to the lab]
Jesus: And lo, he cried out...
Kyle: Stop it, Frank!
FRANK
Don't get hot and flustered
Use a bit of mustard
STAN
You're a faggot
And you're even lamer than Bob Saget
You maggot!
[Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of
light, and Stan turns into a statue. No, they aren't nude!]
KYLE
You're a faggot
And you're even lamer than Bob Saget
You maggot!
[Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of
light, and Kyle turns into a statue]
WENDY
You're a faggot
And you're even lamer than Bob Saget
You maggot!
[Frank nods to Magenta, who throws a switch. There is a flash of
light, and Wendy turns into a statue]
Cartman: I've got to get out of hyar!
[Cartman tries to struggle to free himself, but to no avail. Frank
nods, Magenta complies, Cartman is stone. Frank turns to walk away]
Grandpa: Goddammit, Big Gay Billy, I can't stand any more of this!
First you kill that stupid teacher, and then you ignore me to
kill that little son of a whore Kenny! You chew people up and
then you spit them out again... I want to be dead... Do you
hear me? I want to die! And what do I get? Yeah, I'll tell
you: a big nothing. You kill, kill, kill, and drain everyone
of their life except me! Yeah, well, I've had enough! You're
gonna shoot me now or I'll show you what it feels like to be
grandpa!
Frank (sighs): Oh well, if I must...
[He nods to Magenta, and Grandpa becomes yet another statue]
Frank: It's not easy having a good time... even smiling makes
my face ache... and my children turn on me... Rocky's behaved
just the way that Mister Garrison did. Do you think I made a
mistake, transferring Mister Hat between the two of them?
Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow weary of this world! When shall we
return to Transylvania, huh?
Frank: As soon as my work here is finished! Come, we are ready
for the floor show!
[Cut to Jesus and Pals set]
Jesus: Yea. Tho the children had survived in the Valley of Evil
and Perversity, they were not finished yet. What further
indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of the floor
show that Frank had spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle
of the night? What...
[Jesus pauses, looks at his watch, and jumps up with a start]
Jesus: Goodness, is it that late already? I have to be somewhere.
Yadda yadda yadda, no picnic, bye!
[Jesus runs out the door, and the station cuts to a "Mister Hankey"
commercial. Fade to a stage in Big Gay Frank's castle, where the
children and grandpa, still statues, have been dressed in typical
Rocky Horror floor show attire (bustiers, fishnet stockings, etc.)
They all have make-up on their faces and red yarn wigs, so that
they look like Raggedy Ann/Andy. One by one, they return to life
to sing their verses of the floor show]
THE FLOOR SHOW
PART I: CENSOR MY SPEECH
(to the tune of "Rose Tint My World")
STAN
It was great when it all began
I was a regular South Park fan
But it was over when they had the plan
Few episodes, repeatedly re-ran
Now the only thing I want to know
When will I see a brand-new show?
Censor my speech, keep me safe for Comedy Central
KYLE
I'm a lonely Jewish kid
But not from anything I did
And something I really liked
Was kicking my baby brother Ike
Now the thing that keeps me going on
Is to sing that fucking dreidel song
Censor my speech, keep me safe for Comedy Central
GRANDPA
This is silly
Kill me, Billy!
I am old, you'll see
Take my life away...
Come here you guys
I want to die!
What's become of me?
Woo! Here I go again!
WENDY
I feel relieved
Because I've deceived
My alibi Stan believed
Rocky meant nothing
His jealousy I've rebuked
My dinner has been nuked
We just kissed and there was no puke
My Stan is so mature
[At this point, the curtain opens and Big Gay Frank takes center
stage, dressed in his floorshow ensemble. Behind him is the
Braniff logo. Cartman is still a statue for now]
THE FLOOR SHOW
PART II: DON'T SPILL IT
(to the tune of "Don't Dream It")
FRANK
Whatever happened to Jim Bean
Or even Kenny's gasoline?
As I pass you my flask
Do I even have to ask
Come on, don't you eight-year-olds ever drink?
[Frank pauses to chug from a few bottles of booze]
Give yourself over to Absolut Vodka
Drink the cold cocktails of sex on the beach
Alcoholic fixtures, in the finest mixtures
And nothing's the same
As the South Park drinking game
Can't you just taste it?
Oh, oh, oh... Oh!
[Frank dives into the pool, and floats on a life preserver
drinking some more]
Frank (repeats): Don't spill it, drink it...
[Stan, Kyle, and Wendy dive into the pool. Grandpa finds a
toaster, looks for a plug, and then tries to plug it in and
run his wheelchair into the pool while holding the toaster.
Unfortunately, the cord isn't long enough. The kids form a
circle around Frank, and they all start drinking from his
flask]
All (repeat): Don't spill it, drink it...
[There is a flash of light, and Cartman is revived]
CARTMAN
Ach! I can't believe that son of a bitch!
He never even served us food!
I need Cheesy Poofs
Don't want to get boofed
Or else if I can't get a snack
I'll dance like a mailman
And smoke crack!
STAN
No, not again
Shut up, Cartman!
WENDY
God help David Caruso
THE FLOOR SHOW
PART III: RUDE UNCENSORED THING
(to the tune of "Wild and Untamed Thing")
FRANK
My, my, my, my my my my my, my, my, my, my... my!
I'm a rude and uncensored thing
I can speak without bleeps and pings
Do what I want, my scenes aren't sliced
I'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ
So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on
It's still the funniest thing they've done
Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet
[Frank and the kids form a kickline and go back and forth dancing.
Don't make me go over there and explain it! Grandpa goes back
and forth behind them in his chair, trying to get around them and
into the pool (where his electric wheelchair would electrocute
him]
ALL
We're a rude and uncensored thing
We can speak without bleeps and pings
Do what we want, our scenes aren't sliced
We'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ
So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on
It's still the funniest thing we've done
Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet
We're a rude and uncensored thing
We can speak without bleeps and pings
Do what we want, our scenes aren't sliced
We'll say "pigfucker" in front of Christ
So let "The Spirit of Christmas" live on
It's still the funniest thing we've done
Don't censor my speech, 'cause I'm safe on the Internet
[Suddenly, the doors burst open and Riff and Magenta enter. They
are wearing their gold spacesuits, and Magenta has her hair up in
"Bride of Frankenstein" style]
RIFF RAFF
Big Gay Frankie
No more Hanky-panky!
You really have been naughty
It's time to get a spanky!
I'm your new oppressor
And a better dresser!
We return to Transylvania
Prepare the transit beam!
Frank: Wait! I can explain!
I'M GONNA DIE
(to the tune of "I'm Going Home")
[Grandpa and the children sing the replies in parentheses]
BIG GAY FRANK
I was just having fun (Goodbye)
My God, he's got a gun! (You'll fry)
I should just turn around and run (Time to fly)
Shoot, and that will mean I'm done...
Cuz I've done, oh, many a guy
And some chicks when I was high
And I realize
I'm gonna die (You're gonna die)
[Frank sits down, looks back at Riff Raff and Magenta]
Good help is so hard to find (Cleaning)
Their work sucked, I didn't mind (Dreaming)
I just want to bump and grind (Creaming)
Drinking, smoking, 'til I'm blind...
Cuz I've done, oh, many a guy
And some chicks when I was high
And I realize
I'm gonna die (You're gonna die)
I'm gonna die
I'm gonna die
Magenta: That is the gayest mad scientist I have ever seen.
Riff Raff: And also the most presumptuous. You see, when I said,
'WE were to return to Transylvania'...
Stan (interrupts): You were speaking French?
Cartman: French people piss me off!
Riff Raff (ignores children): I referred only to Magenta and
myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading;
but you see, you are to remain here... In spirit, anyway.
Kyle: Oh my God! That's a laser!
Cartman: Quick, everyone! Duck and cover!
[Cartman drops to the floor. Kyle kicks him.]
Riff Raff: Yes, Kyle. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure
anti-matter.
Stan: Sounds like Cartman's butt!
Cartman: Screw you!
Wendy: You mean... You're going to kill him? What's his crime?
Grandpa: Why won't anyone kill me, dammit?
Riff Raff (ignoring the kids once again): And now, Big Gay Frank,
your time has come. Say goodbye to all of this, and hello... to
oblivion!
[Riff Raff corners Frank with his gun, and prepares to take aim...
When from out of the pool comes a voice]
Voice: Kyle...
Kyle: Mr. Hankey?
[Mr. Hankey, a talking turd, pops out of the pool]
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho! What's all the ruckus?
Kyle: Riff Raff is about to kill our friend Big Gay Frank!
Mr. Hankey: I reckon this looks like a job for Mr. Hankey!
[Mr. Hankey bounces between Riff and Frank]
Mr. Hankey: Hey! Stop the fighting!
Magenta: My god, what is that thing?
[Riff Raff tries to shoot Mr. Hankey, but the beams bounce off
of him and hit Kathy Lee Gifford, who was standing in the back
of the theater]
Wendy: Oh my God, they killed Kathy Lee!
Grandpa: Who cares?
[Suddenly, the doors burst open (again) and in comes Santa Claus!]
Santa: Mr. Hankey, we need you at the North Pole! One of those
fucking stupid elves put a hat on a snowman... it came to life
and now it's slaughtering the elves and reindeer!
Cartman: AAAAARHH!! No elves and reindeer ... means ... no toys!
All children: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRHHHHHH!!!!!
[The doors burst open (yet again) and in comes Jesus Christ!]
Jesus: Behold my glory...
Stan: Good God!
Jesus: Yes?
[Mr. Hankey tries to grab the gun from Riff... Santa tries to
grab Mr. Hankey... Jesus attacks Santa... Satan walks in, sees
all the chaos, and just silently takes a seat and watches.
Laser beams and magic spells are flying all over]
Stan: Now what do we do?
Kyle: What would Brian Boitano do?
Cartman: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
[Brian Boitano skates into the room]
Brian: Did someone mention my name?
Stan: What would you do if Santa, and Jesus, and... and... Mr.
Hankey, and Riff Raff were all fighting, and...
Brian (interrupts): I'd leave before I got killed! Bye-ee-eee...
[Brian skates away]
Kyle: Come on, let's go.
[The children all leave. Grandpa is rolling around, trying to
get shot, but can't seem to get into the path of any beams fast
enough. Out in the front hall, the encounter Death walking
in the front door]
Stan (to Death): They're in the ballroom.
Death: Mrrrrr
[Death walks away in the direction of the ballroom. The kids
exit the house just before it takes off into space]
STUPID MOVIES
(to the tune of "Superheroes")
[Note: "Superheroes" is a song from "The Rocky Horror Show"
which was included in the movie's original cinematic release,
but was cut out for the midnight re-lease. It has since been
returned to the movie... So, some theaters have it, others
don't; depending upon the age of their print. Likewise, some
videotapes/laserdiscs have the song and others don't. See the
RHPS FAQ for details. The actual lyrics can be easily found
on-line, and any album of the stage show will have this song
on it... Any version that has "Superheroes" will also have
the "Science Fiction/Double Feature Reprise" over the closing
credits; versions without "Superheroes" have a "Time Warp"
instrumental over the closing credits]
STAN
I've watched a lot
Of TV shows
Some good, some bad
That's how it goes
But all I know is
Everything changes
Movies...
WENDY
When they move the shows
To the big screen
Something is lost
Look at "Mr. Bean"
And when we do it
I hoped we'll still be
Groovy...
[Cut to South Park mall, where Jesus, Santa, and Mr. Hankey are
all sitting around holding Orange Smoothies]
JESUS
And meanwhile, on the TV screen
On cable, "South Park" can still be seen
By Matt Stone, and Trey Parker
With Clooney...
ALL
Clooney...
[The children stumble around the woods, lost, for a while longer
before falling asleep... Cut to the next morning; the kids all
wake up.]
Stan: Well, we still have to find our way home.
Kyle: Let's try going that way this time.
[Cartman yawns]
Stan: Whoa, Cartman, leave some air for the rest of us!
Cartman: I'm sorry. I just had these bogus nightmares...
Kyle: What of?
Cartman: Well, I dreamed we got lost in the woods, and found
this spooky castle, and this big gay guy dressed me up like
a girl and made me dance!
Kyle: That wasn't a dream, Cartman, that really happened!
Cartman: Oh yeah? Then how come I'm not still dressed like
a girl?
Kyle: You ARE still dressed like a girl, Cartman!
[Camera pulls back to show that Cartman is still dressed like
Raggedy-Ann; and through tears in the costume fishnets and
a bustier are visible]
Cartman: Son of a bitch!
Wendy: Hey, you guys, there's a road up ahead! Maybe we can
hitch a ride with someone back into South Park!
Stan: Good idea! Come on guys, let's run!
[Cartman starts waddling]
Kyle: Why are you walking so funny, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm not used to heels over two inches...
[The children reach the road and start jumping up and down waving
their thumbs in the air. Soon, a bus pulls up and stops. It is
a big, gray tour bus with "PRIMUS" written on the side. The doors
open and the kids hop in.]
Les Claypool: You kids going to South Park?
Stan: Sure!
Les Claypool: Well, then, grab some seats. We usually don't
pick up hitchhikers, but we had to stop when we saw how your
fat friend was dressed.
Cartman: Hey!
Les Claypool: Mind if we practice?
Cartman: Yes!
Les Claypool: Do you want to get back out and walk?
Cartman: Not in these heels, no...
Les Claypool: Then shut the fuck up, kid...
Kyle: Why are you going to South Park, Les?
Les Claypool [shrugs]: Well, our gig in Denver got cancelled,
and we really wanted to perform somewhere this weekend. Our
agent got us a gig in South Park at a local club, with the
school Chef as the opening act.
[Les pulls out his guitar, tunes it for a second or two, then
starts to sing. Soon the kids join in.]
GOING BACK TO SOUTH PARK
(to the tune of the "South Park" theme song)
LES CLAYPOOL
We're going back to South Park
Gonna go put on a show
STAN & KYLE
Redneck losers everywhere
Drunken folks, no education
LES CLAYPOOL
Going down to South Park
And I ain't gonna "say no"
CARTMAN
My mom's cooking day and night
Gonna tell her "Gimme Cheese Poofs!"
LES CLAYPOOL
Heading on up to Cartman's
Gonna try to get a blow
GHOST OF KENNY
[The ghost of Kenny (from "Death") floats by the bus]
Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff
Mmf mmmff mmfmf mff mmfmmff
LES CLAYPOOL
So come and stay in South Park
Until it's time to go
[Fade to black, run credits and play closing song]
COMEDY CENTRAL CARTOON FEATURE - REPRISE
Comedy Central Cartoon Feature
Kids love Frank, he
Killed their teacher
This show has gotten
Much too trendy
Look at all the t-shirts
Of Stan and Wendy
Doot'n doot'n doo doo
Do you like my Rocky Horror South Park Show
Then let me know, oh oh
It's the end of my Rocky Horror South Park Show...
