[ Props: (in some sort of order)
Rice (wedding scene)
Newspaper (put over head when raining!)
Water Gun (make rain!)
Confetti (Frank and Rocky's ceremony)
Toilet Paper (Dr. Scott's entrance)
Balloons (Janet's breasts)
Cards (Im going home)
Bubbles (castle lift-off)
[Note: props are not permitted in most theaters.)
General Information:
Audience instructions are in square brackets. Text in quotes
is to be shouted. The instruction 'Echo' indicates that the
following line is to be shouted in unison with the film.
Whenever Brad appears, or is introduced in some way
the line "Asshole!" is appropriate.
When Janet is introduced or appears, the line "Slut!" is
appropriate. (If this is before she is actually a slut, the
response "She's not a slut yet, give her a chance" is
appropriate, to be answered by, "We gave her a chance last
week and she blew it.")
SCIENCE FICTION/DOUBLE FEATURE
["Start the fucking flick! Oh!" until movie starts.
"Response: "fuck the flick and start the fucking!"]
["A long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away, God said,
"Let there be lips!" And there were. And they were good.
"And then they spoke.. and they said..."]
Trixie (lips): Michael Rennie was ill
The Day the Earth Stood Still
But he told us where we stand. ["On our feet"]
And Flash Gordon was there
In silver [echo "crotchless"] underwear, ["It was gold!"]
Claude Rains was the Invisible Man. ["I saw him!"]
Then something went wrong
For Fay Wray and [echo "fucked"] King Kong; [echo "her dong"]
They got caught in a celluloid [echo "sexual"] jam.
Then at a deadly pace
It Came From [echo "Brad came on.."] ["where?"] Outer Space [echo"Janet's
face" "thank you"]
And this is how the message ran:
["Freeze those lips!"]
Chorus: Science fiction double feature
Doctor X ["Sex Sex Sex Sex"] will build a creature.
See androids fighting ["and fucking and sucking on"] Brad and Janet
[echo "Brad's a faggot"]
Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat, the sequel to"]
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night ["Early morning!"], double feature,
["Rocky Horror!"] picture show.
Trixie (lips): I knew Leo G. Carrol
["What's your favorite sexual position?"]
Was over a barrel [echo "Was fucking a barrel!"]
When Tarantula took to the hills.
["Lick it" or "Get that sperm off your lips!"]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott [echo "When I saw Janet's twat"]
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.
[echo "Fight a penis that spits semen and kills!"] ["and the twat won!"]
Dana Andrews said Prunes
Gave him the runes [echo "Gave him the shits"]
And passing them used lots of skills. ["Yay skills" or "Gay skills"]
But When Worlds Collide, [echo "tits" over "worlds"]
[clap hands "boom"]
Said George Powell to his bride,
"I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills," [echo "some joints and
some pills" or "some orgasmic thrills"]
Like a...
["X-ray!"]
Chorus: Science fiction double feature
Doctor X ["Sex sex sex sex"] will build a creature.
See androids fighting ["and fucking and sucking on"] Brad and Janet
[echo "Brad's a faggot"]
Anne Francis stars in ["Deep Throat, the sequel to"]
Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night ["Early morning!"], double feature,
["Rocky Horror!"] picture show.
I wanna go
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night ["Early morning!"], double feature,
["Rocky Horror!"] picture show.
By RKO, ["RK Who?"]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night ["Early morning!"] double feature,
["Rocky Horror!"] picture show,
["Where's the best place to fuck?"]
In the back row,
[front row: "Fuck the back row!" while standing]
[back row: "Fuck the front row!" (general cheers)]
[middle row: "Orgy in the middle!"]
Oh Oh Oh
To the late night ["Early morning"], double feature,
["Rocky Horror!"] picture show.
Dentonian: Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE]
Photographer: ["Squiggy!"] I'd like the parents and then the grandparents.
Just the close family. Smile. Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful.
And... (camera snap) ["Now we have your souls!!!"]
Old Lady: (croaks) Congratulations! [echo "Con-grab-ulations!!"]
Ralph: Well, I guess we really did it, huh. ["Hit him, Hit him back"
"Asshole punching contest"]
Brad: I don't think there's any doubt about that. You and Betty have
been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's refresher
class.
Ralph: Well to tell you the truth, Brad, that's the only reason I
showed up in the first place. (chuckles) I mean...
Betty: O.K. you guys, this is it. (everyone screams)
Ralph: Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. ["who's got the clap?" (clap)
"Who's got the clap?" (clap)]
Janet: I got it! I got it!
Ralph: Hey big fella ["How would you know?"], looks like it could be your
turn next, eh?
Brad: Who knows. ["The Shadow knows!", or "Who Cares!"]
Ralph: So long, see you Brad. ["See ya, sucker"]
Guess we better get get going now Betty. Come on, hop in.
(they drive away)
["Fix your glasses, fix your chin, then move out of the way so
we can read the car - `Wait till tonight. She got hers, now he'll
get his.'" ]
Ralph: See you, Brad.
["Be just and fear not, smoke pot and fear nothing, smoke crack and
fear ALL!" when sign appears]
[As old folks run "Oh, shit, missed the bus again!"]
Janet: Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? ["No!"]
Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful? ["No!"]
I can't believe it. An hour ago she was just plain old
Betty Monroe ["a virgin!"] and now...
["Now she's just plain old"] now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt.
["Half-shit!" "Half a shit is better than no shit at all!"]
Brad: Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy.
["No he's not, she's got the clap!"]
Janet: Yes.
[when Angel sculpture is in view... "What's that angel holding??"]
Dentonian: I always cry at weddings.
["Do you laugh at funerals, bitch?"]
Brad: Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
["Yes, and she's a great little fuck, too!"]
[when Denton sign is in view... "Denton Denton Rah Rah Rah,
Beat me beat me, eat me raw, Yeah Denton!" or "What the hell is a
billboard doing in a cemetary? It was a grave mistake."]
["Arrow points to slut."]
Janet: Yes.
Brad: Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.
["If he doesn't get busted first!"]
["Janet, are you a slut?"]
Janet: Yes.
DAMMIT JANET
["Brad, what do you say when you want to fuck"]
Brad: Hey Janet.
["Sit on my face and wiggle, no, sit on my crotch and jiggle"]
Janet: Yes Brad?
Brad: I've got something to say.
["Then say it asshole"]
Janet: Uh huh.
Brad: I really love the... ["Starts with an S..." or "Slimy, scuzzy,
scummy"] skillful way ["What a fucking genius"]... you beat
the other girls... ["With whips and chains?"] to the bride's
bouquet. ["that too"]
[audience echoes 'Janet's, 'Oh Brad's, 'Dammit, Janet's]
[echo "Let's go screw" over "I love you" repeat whenever necessary]
Brad: The river was deep but I swam it. (Janet)
The future is ours so let's plan it. (Janet)
So please, don't tell me to can it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
The road was long but I ran it. (Janet) ["Backwards"]
There's a fire in my heart [echo "crotch"] and you fan it. (Janet)
If there's one fool for you then I am it. (Janet)
I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet I love you.
[echo "Assholes write on church doors too"]
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. [echo "I'm a fucker!"]
There's three ways that love [echo "sex"]can grow. ["Oral! Anal! Vaginal!"]
That's good, bad, or mediocre. [echo "gay, straight or bisexual"]
["How do you spell slut?"]
Oh, J-A-N-E-T I love you so. [echo "I want a blow"]
["Don't drop it!"]
["describe your orgasm Janet!"]
Janet: Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. (Oh Brad)
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad (Oh Brad)
That you met Mom and you know Dad. (Oh Brad)
[echo "That you fuck Mom and you blow Dad."]
I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, for you too.
[echo "you fag, fuck you too" over "I'm mad, for you too."]
Oh Brad...
["It's the asshole shuffle!"]
Brad: Oh... dammit.
[echo "Aw shit" over "Oh... dammit"]
Janet: I'm mad... [echo "I'm pregnant!"]
Brad: Oh, Janet.
[echo "Aw, double shit!" over "Oh, Janet"]
Janet: For you. [echo "It's not yours!"]
Brad: I love you too.
[echo "I love to screw Scooby-doo!"]
Brad & Janet: There's one thing left to do - ah - oo [echo "a-choo!" (sneeze)]
Brad: And that's go see the man who began it. (Janet)
[echo "Go fuck the man in the casket!"]
When we met in his science exam - it (Janet)
["What the fuck is an exam-it?"]
Made me give you the eye and then panic. (Janet)
[echo "Pull up your skirt and then ram it"]
Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.
["It's the asshole waltz!"]
Dammit, Janet.
Janet: Oh Brad, I'm mad. [echo "You fag" over "I'm mad"]
Brad: Dammit, Janet.
Brad & Janet: I love you.
[echo "I fuck Shaggy, I fuck Srappy, and Scooby-dooby-doo!" (howls)]
["The man you are about to see has NO FUCKING NECK"]
["His mother should have fucked a giraffe!"]
Narrator: I would like, ["You would, would you?"]
ah, if I may, ["You may NOT"] ...to take you on a
strange journey. ["How strange was it?"]
(goes for black book) ["So strange they made a movie out of it.
No, not the book, the movie! Hey, this pervert took pictures!"]
(opens book)[as pages turn: "Here's a picture of my Mommy! And a picture of my Daddy!]
["And here's a great big close-up of my..."]
It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Brad Majors ["Asshole!!!"] and
his fiancee Janet Weiss ["slut - she looks like a turtle!"],
two young, ordinary healthy kids
left Denton that late November evening, to visit a Dr. Everett
Scott ["Suck my cock!"], ex-tutor, now friend to both of them.
["Is it true that you fuck gay boy scouts?"]
It's true there were dark storm clouds,
["Describe your balls!" or "Describe Tina Turner's tits"]
heavy, ["woo!"] black, ["woo!"] and pendulous,
towards which they were driving.
["It it also true that you fuck gerbils?"]
It's true, also, that the spare tire they were carrying
was badly in need of some air ["Like your fucking neck"], but,
they being normal kids, ["normal?"] on a night out...["It was a night IN!"]
well, they were not going to let a storm spoil the rest of their
evening, were they? ["Certainly not."]
On a night out...["A night IN!" "Come a little bit closer, Chucky."]
it was a night out ["a night IN!"]
they were going to remember ["shake those jowls!" wiggle, wiggle!"]
for a very long time.
["What a fucking drip"]
["Oh shit, he came on the screen!"]
[move hands as if they were windshield wipers]
["Hey Dick, have you ever been a quitter?"]
Nixon: I have never been a quitter. ["Bullshit"] To leave office before
my term is over is against every instinct in my body.
["You call that a body?"] But as President, ["You call that a
President?"]...I must put the interests of America first.
["What does America need, Dick?"] America needs a full time
President, ["What else, Dick?"] and a full time Congress...
[as Janet offers Brad candy "Ex-lax?"]
[When she swallows, "Janet swallows!"]
["Only sluts count motorcycles!"]
Janet: Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us.
They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the
weather and all.
["Say something stupid, Asshole!"]
Brad: Yes, life's pretty cheap to that type.
["Yay that type!" or "So's Janet"]
Janet: Oh. ...What's the matter, Brad darling?
["I came on the windshield"]
Brad: We must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back.
["Next time use the right SPOON!"]
Janet: Oh, but where did those motorcycles come from?
[hum Twilight Zone theme]
["Make a sond like a cow, Brad."]
Brad: Hmmm... well I guess we'll just have to turn back.
["Don't back up! Yoo'll hit the cameraman!"] (BOOM)
["Grab that tit!"]
Janet: Oh! What was that bang? ["A gang bang!"]
Brad: We must have a blowout. DAMMIT! (hits seat)
["Kill that smurf!" (sing the Smurfs theme) "Ouch!"]
["Movie=1, Smurfs=zero!"]
I knew I should have gotten that spare tire fixed. ["Asshole!"]
Well, you just stay here keep warm and I'll go for help.
Janet: Where will you go in the middle of nowhere?
["It starts with a C and rhymes with ashole!"]
Brad: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road
a few miles? [Cheer] Maybe they have a telephone I could use.
["Castles don't have telephones, asshole!"]
["Assholes don't have castles, telephone!"]
Janet: I'm going with you.
Brad: Oh, no, darling, there's no sense in both of us getting wet.
["She's already wet!"]
Janet: I'm coming with you! ["That'll be a first!"] Besides darling,
the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, ["He is!"]
and you might never come back again. ["You should be so lucky."]
Brad: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
[they get out of the car "Kick it!"]
(NEWSPAPERS over heads, squirt
the virgins sitting in front of you)
[When you see the sign on the gate - "Bring it a little
closer. Light, please. Thank you. Risk it! If you
don't, it's only a twenty-minute movie."]
["How long does it take two ordinary, healthy kids to read
five fucking words???"]
["Hey Janet, watch out for the slut-eating tree. Sing, bitch!"]
OVER AT THE FRANKENSTEIN PLACE
Janet: In the velvet darkness, ["Between your legs!" or "Douche douche twat!"]
Of the blackest night, ["Twat twat twat douche!"]
Burning bright, ["What's up your ass?"] there's a guiding star. [echo "brand new car!"]
["Janet will fuck you..."]
No matter what ["species!"] or who you are.
Brad & Janet: There's a light...
Chorus: ["Where do you keep your children?"]
Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet: There's a light...
Chorus: ["Where's Santa Claus?"]
Burning in the fireplace...
Brad & Janet: There's a light, light in the darkness of everybody's life.
["Vrroom, vrroom!"]
["Sing to us, o hairless one"]
Riff Raff: Darkness must go down the river of night's dreaming.
Flow morphia slow,
let the sun and light come streaming
Into my life. Into my life...
["It's the incredible shrinking butler!"]
["Watch out for the quicksand!"]
[Right before lightning flash "Fuck you, God"]
["What's on the end of E.T's dick?!?!"]
Brad & Janet: There's a light...
Chorus: Over at the Frankenstein place.
Brad & Janet: There's a light...
Chorus: Burning in the fireplace.
There's a light, a light
Brad & Janet:...in the darkness of everybody's life.
["And Betsy Ross used to sit on my face and sew and sew and..."]
Narrator: And so, it seemed that fortune had smiled on Brad and Janet
["unlike your neck"] and that they had found the assistance that
their plight required. ["Are you sure?"] ...Or had they?
["Nyah ha ha!"]
Janet: Brad, let's go back, I'm cold and frightened...
Brad: Just a moment Janet, they might have a phone.
["Assholes don't have castles, telephone!"]
["Hey, ister, your dog is stoned!"]
["Look, it's Scooby Doo on acid! And he's into bondage!"]
["Ding dong, asshole calling, wanna buy some asshole cookies?"]
["Ding dong, asshole calling, slut for sale, cheap, so cheap she wears
a condom in her hair!"]
(doorbell rings, door creaks open)
["Say hello, Riff" or "Say Jello in Spanish"]
Riff Raff: [echo] Hello.
Brad: Hi! My name is Brad Majors, ["asshole"] and this is my fiancee,
Janet Weiss. [echo "This is my dog, spot!"]["slut"]
I wonder if you could help us. You see,
our car broke down a few miles up the road... do you have a
phone we might use? ["Assholes don't have castles, telephone!"]
Riff Raff: ["Look between Janet's legs"]
You're wet. ["No shit, Sherlock!"]
["Janet, are you gay?"]
Janet: Yes - it's raining.
["Brad, are you gay?"]
Brad: Yes.
["Riff, are you gay?"]
Riff Raff: Yes...
["What about you, God?"]
(Lightning flash illuminates motorcycles)
["Oh shit, you weren't supposed to see those! They have nothing to
do with the plot, but you weren't supposed to see them."]
I think perhaps you better both ["Fuck off"] come inside.
["I don't care where you cum as long as you clean it up!"
["I don't care if you clean it up as long as you come!"]
Janet: ["How kind is he?"] You're too kind. ["No, he's three kind!]
["He's trisexual - he'll try anything!"]
["Hey Brad, show us a butterfly masturbating!"] (Brad shakes off)
Janet: Oh Brad, I'm frightened. What kind of a place is this?
["Describe the white house!"]
Brad: Oh, it's probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos.
["Yay, rich weirdos"]
Janet: Oh (forlornly)
Riff Raff: ["How do you finger-fuck your sister?"] This way.
["Follow the bouncing thumb"]
["Can you spot the domestic in this picture? No, the slut's in the
way."]
Janet: Are you having a party?
["No, it's my sister's bat mitzvah."]
Riff Raff: You've arrived on a very special night. ["What a coincidence, plot=wise!"]
It's one of the master's affairs. ["Which one?"]
["Don't say the magic word, Janet"]
Janet: Oh... lucky him.
Magenta: You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky! ha ha ha ha
[echo "the banister's sticky!" over "we're all lucky"]
(- seven dongs -)
THE TIME WARP
[if you aren't in the aisle by now, get in the aisle and
crouch down]
["Hey Riff, show us Princess Diana!"]
Riff Raff: ["Hey Riff, how's your sex life?"]
It's astounding; ["No, it's a skeleton"]
Time is fleeting; ["What's your favorite rock group?"]
Madness ["They suck"] takes its toll. ["Fifty cents, please."]
But listen closely...
["For how long?"]
Magenta: Not for very much longer.
Riff Raff: ["How many balls have you got?"] I've got to ["I've got three"]
keep control. [echo "smoke a bowl" over "keep control"]
I remember doing the time-warp ["Kick! Kick!"]
Drinking those moments when [echo "vodka and gin!"]
The blackness would hit me
Riff & Magenta: And a void would be calling...
[get up and time warp!]
Transylvanians: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
["How's it done?"]
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
["Boom chug-a-lug-a-lug-a boom]
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [echo "tits" over "hips"]
["Or somebody else's!"]
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust ..
["Group sex! Group sex! at each thrust"]
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Magenta: It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.
So you can't see me, ["Do you douche?"] no, not at all.
["Where do you fuck?"] In another dimension,
["How do you fuck?"] with voyeuristic intention,
["Where do you keep your tits?"] Well secluded,
[Flip her the finger "Do you see this?"] I see all.
["So do we, bitch"]
Riff Raff: With a bit of a mind flip
Magenta: You're into the time slip.
["Fuck that bird! Grease that pole! Eat this bagel! I'm not Jewish!"]
Riff Raff: And nothing can ever be the same.
Magenta: You're spaced out on sensation.
Riff Raff: Like you're under sedation.
[Janet faints]
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
[crouch down and clap again, feel free to add back up vocals!]
Columbia: Well I was walking down the street just having a think
When this snake of a guy gave me an evil wink.
He shook me up, he took me by surprise
He had a pickup truck, and the devil's eyes.
He stared at me and I felt a change.
Time meant nothing, never would again.
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left.
["Boom chug-a-lug-a-lug-a boom]
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [echo "tits" over "hips"]
["Or somebody else's"]
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
["Double time!! Group sex group sex!" chant faster]
That really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
[clap]
(Columbia tap-dances
["Two! Four! Six! Eight! Show us how you masturbate!
Three! Five! Seven! Nine! We know you do it all the time!
Four! Six! Eight! Ten! Wipe it up and cum again!
Five! Seven! Nine! Eleven! Suck my dick and go to heaven!
Six! Eight! Ten! Twelve! She's so hot she'll blow a valve!
Seven! Nine! Eleven! Thirteen! Suck me hard and keep me squirting!"]
All: Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Narrator: It's just a jump to the left. [echo "get the fuck off your desk"]
["Boom chug-a-lug-a-lug-a boom]
All: And then a step to the right.
Narrator: With your hands on your hips. [echo "tits" over "hips"]
["Or somebody else's"]
All: You bring your knees in tight.
But it's the pelvic thrust
["Triple time! AAAAAHH!!" scream and thrust fast!]
that really drives you insane.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's do the time-warp again.
[collapse out of exhaustion!]
["only virgins go all the way down!"]
Janet: Brad, say something. (whispered)
[echo "Say something stupid, asshole"]
Brad: Say, do any of you guys know how to Madison?
["I do the Rock myself, I find it stimulating!"]
["I do the Swim, it gets me wet!"]
["I do the Jerk, it gets me off."]
Janet: Brad, please, let's get out of here.
["Tell Janet to masturbate"]
Brad: For God's sake keep a grip on yourself Janet.
(music cue softly at first, crescendo up)
[clap to beat]
[the chant: "Shit! God dman! Shit on my face and SLAM mutha-fucka!"]
Janet: But it... it seems so unhealthy here.
Brad: It's just a party, Janet.
Janet: Well - I want to go.
Brad: Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone.
Janet: Well then ask the butler or someone.
Brad: Just a moment, Janet - we don't want to interfere
with their celebration.
Janet: This isn't the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad.
Brad: They're probably foreigners with ways different than our own.
They may do some more... folk dancing.
["Hey Janet, how are you in bed?"]
Janet: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared.
Brad: I'm here - there's nothing to worry about.
[Scream!]
SWEET TRANSVESTITE
Frank: How do you do, I
See you've met my
Faithful handyman. ["Hand job man!"]
He's just a little brought down ["I'll bring him up!" or "Viagra!"]
Because when you knocked ["He rang"]
He thought you were the candyman. ["Candyman! Candyman! Candyman!" (scream)]
Don't get strung out ["On drugs"] by the way I look ["same thing"]
Don't judge a book by its cover.
I'm not much of a man by the light of day
But by night I'm one hell of a lover. [echo "Sick mother-fucker!"]
["Throw it!"]
[cheer, scream, bow down in praise, etc...]
I'm just a sweet transvestite
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Let me show you around [echo "stumble around"]
Maybe play you a sound. [echo "Maybe fall to the ground"]
You look like you're both pretty groovy. [echo "seen this movie"]
Or if you want something visual ["A porno!"]
That's not too abysmal, ["Kiddie porno!"]
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie. ["Who the fuck is Steve
Reeves?"]
Brad: I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your phone? [echo "suck your bone?"]
We're both in a bit of a hurry. [echo "My dick is big and furry"]
Janet: ["Left"] Right. ["Left"]
Brad: We'll just say where we are, [echo "you just bend over far"]
Then go back into the car. [echo "and I'll shove it in hard"]
We don't want to be any worry. [echo "Cause I wanna fuck Tim Curry!"]]
["Frank gets the whole audience wet!"]
Frank: Well you got with a flat, well, how 'bout that? [echo "fuck my cat!" "meow!"]
Well, babies, don't you panic. [echo "PULL MY FINGER!"]
By the light of the night it'll all seem alright.
I'll get you a satanic mechanic. ["S and M!" or "Ozzy Osbourne!"]
I'm just a sweet transvestite
["boom chick a boom chick a boom chick a boom chicka"]
From Transexual, Transylvania.
Why don't you stay for the night?
Riff Raff: [echo] Night.
Frank: Or maybe a bite?
Columbia: Bite. {"I said a bite, not a lick, bitch!"]
Frank: I could show you my favourite obsession. [echo "position"] ["Sex!"]
I've been making a man ["You call that a man?"]
With blond hair and a tan [echo "With green eggs and ham"]
And he's good for relieving my... ["Sexual!"] ...tension
I'm just a sweet transvestite
["Check it out!"]
From Transexual, Transylvania.
[echo] HIT IT, HIT IT!
I'm just a sweet transvestite [echo "Chuga-chuga choo choo!"]
Frank, Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Sweet transvestite [echo "Woo woo!!"]
Frank: From Transexual,
Columbia, Riff Raff, Magenta: Transylvania.
["What do you do when your condom breaks?"]
Frank: So ["what?"]- come up to the lab, ["I can't cum that far"]
And see what's on the slab. ["echo "Fuck my oozing scab"]
I see you shiver with antici -
[(fast) "This movie would suck without the audience partici--"]
- pation.
But maybe the rain ["Who the fuck is Lorraine?"]
Isn't really to blame. [echo "Isn't really in Brad's hair!"]
So I'll remove the cause. [echo "your clothes"] (chuckles)
["But what about Bart, Lisa, Maggie, and Homer? What about O.J?"]
(applause) (Brad and Janet are given towels)
Janet: ["What do you say when Brad fucks you?"] Thank you.
Brad: [What do you say when Janet fucks you?"] Thank you
very much.
["Janet's on the rag!" "No, the rag's on Janet!"]
(Columbia and Riff Raff start to undress Brad and Janet)
["What do you say when Riff Raff fucks you?"]
Janet: Oh! Brad!
Brad: It's all right Janet. We'll play along for now and pull
out the aces when the time is right. ["ace? Looks like a duece to me!"]
["Is that an Idaho potato in your pants, Brad?"]
Columbia: Slowly, slowly! It's too nice a job to rush. ["Yay Rush!"]
Brad: Hi, my name is Brad Majors, and this is my fiancee,
Janet Weiss; ["Brad, spell 'urinate'!"]you are...
Columbia: You're very lucky to be invited up to Frank's laboratory.
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege.
["Or their left tit!"]
Brad: People like you maybe.
Columbia: Ha! I've seen it. ["And I don't do laundry!"]
(She throws the clothes. Brad grabs a shoe to cover himself.)
["Hey Brad, grab something useful, like a shoe!"]
(Riff Raff pours wine into a glass, takes a swig from the bottle.)
Magenta: Come along - the master doesn't like to be kept waiting.
["What do you do when your vibrator goes into overdrive?"] Shift it.
["Drop it!"]
(Riff drops the bottle) ["Riff can't hold his liquor" sung out]
(the elevator closes) {"There is NO smiling on this elevator!"]
(Janet screeches - the elevator goes up)
Janet: Is he - Frank I mean - is he your husband?
Riff Raff: The master is not yet married, nor do I expect he ever will be.
We are simply his ["sexual"] servants. ["His very good friends!"]
Janet: Oh.
(doors open, shot of lab) [sing "We Are the World.. we are the extras"]
["Sluts first ... Assholes second... butt-fucking servants to the rear."]
(Riff hands Frank a drink)
["Here's my urine sample, master, it'll be on me later!"]
Frank: ["What's your favorite color?"] Magenta,
["Where do you get your pot?"] Columbia, ["Bad choice"]
go assist Riff Raff [echo "Woof Woof"]
["He can't get it up by himself!"].
I will entertain ...uh huh huh... (chuckles)
["the cameraman, with the world's biggest hand job!"]
Brad: Brad Majors. And this is my fiancee, Janet "Vice".
Janet: Weiss. ["Twice the vice is very nice, but not as nice as Janet Weiss!"]
Brad: Weiss? um
Frank: ["Say something in French"] Enchante.
["What's it mean?"]
(Janet giggles)
Frank: Well! how nice. ["That's not what it means..."]
And what charming underclothes you both have.
["THAT'S what it means!"]
But here. Put these on. ["and take those off"]
They'll make you feel less ["naked"] vulnerable. ["same thing"]
It's not often we receive visitors here, let alone offer
them... hospitality [echo "horse brutality"].
Brad: Hospitality!? [echo "Horse brutality!?"]]
["Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive,
able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, it's a bird, it's a plane.."]
All we asked was to use your telephone,
goddammit, a reasonable request which you've chosen to ignore.
Janet: Brad, don't be ungrateful.
Brad: Ungrateful! [when Brad removes his glasses, "It's Superasshole!"]
Frank: How forceful you are, Brad. ["Describe Hillary Clinton."]
Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So... ["big"] dominant
(crowd has flurry of laughs).
["Check it out, cover it up" as one conventioneer looks closer]
["If he's so dominant then why do you need glasses?"]
You must be awfully proud of him, Janet.
Janet: ["Janet, are you a slut?"] Well, yes I am. (giggles)
Frank: Do you have any tattoos, Brad? [echo "testicles" over "tatoos"]
["Show him the butterfly"]
Brad: Certainly not!
Frank: ["Ask Janet"] Oh well, how about you. (to Janet)
["Show him the battleship"]
Janet: No. (giggling)
Riff Raff: Everything is in readiness, master ["bater"].
We merely await your word. [echo "erection."]
(Frank spills wine on Riff)
["Oh no, my new suit, my best suit, my only suit!"]
["Except for the spcae suit - sorry, virgins!"]
["Now its his wet suit!"]
[applaud when appropriate]
[Hey Frank, when's the orgy and who's invited?"]
Frank: Tonight, my unconventional conventionists... you are about to
witness a new breakthrough in biochemical [echo "bisexual"] research...
and paradise is to be mine...[echo "a garage!"]
It was strange the way it happened...
suddenly you get a break... whole pieces start to fit into place,
[echo "Sit on my face!" "And tell me that you love me!"]
Not a sign of being...["A side of beef?" "are you a fool?"]
what a fool! The answer was there all the time, it took
a small accident to make it happen... ["What was your birth?"]
AN ACCIDENT!
Magenta & Columbia: An accident!
Frank: And that's how I discovered the secret, that elusive ingredient,
that ["Who gives the best head on Star Trek?"] SPARK that is the
breath of life...["I think it's Data, he's fully functional!"]
Yes, ["Do you know about gay sex?"] I have that knowledge...
["What do you hold between your legs?"] I hold the secret...["Oil of Olay!'}
["To youthful radiant skin?"] to life...
["And the reduction of fine lines and wrinkles??"] itself!
["F"] You see, ["K! Y! O!], you ["M-o-u-s-e, Fuck you mouse! Donald fuck!"]
are fortunate... for tonight is the night
that my beautiful creature is destined to be BORN!
[echo "blown" "and fucked in the ass and mauled by dogs and forced to lick
twat and dressed like a woman and beated with a candlestick and then he dies!
the end!"]
[Janet claps, Brad grabs her hands. "Janet's got the
clap, now Brad's caught it!"]
(Magenta and Columbia take hold of the cloth)
["Magenta is up at bat... No balls, no hits, no tits, either."]
["Frank, how do you say 'fuck you' in Chinese?"]
Up now!
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator...["Oscillator?
I just met her!"] and step the reactor power input
THREE MORE POINTS!
[echo "THREE MORE DORITOS!" "Crunch all you want, we'll make more!"]
Janet: Oh, Brad!
Brad: It's all right, Janet.
["A six-foot self-inserting tampon, no strings attached!"]
(colorful fluids, etc. in order Pink, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue,
Indigo Violet)
[Pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds,
purple hoseshoes... I want my red balloons!!!"]
["It's rainbow Brite on her period!']
[ask "Is it soup yet?" several times, answer "Not yet..." and
then, "Fuck it, let's nuke it."]
[When Rocky turns skeletal, "Rocky's got a boner!" "Rocky IS a boner!"]
(Rcoky pulls himself up)
["Seven seconds old, and already reaching for his first screw."]
["Too bad all he finds are his nuts, the bolt!"]
["And tonights special guest star...it's it's..." (as Rocky is unmasked)
"Ellen DeGeneres!!"]
Frank: Oh, Rocky! ["No, ELLEN!!"]
THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES
Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,
And I've got the feeling someone's gonna be cutting the thread.
[echo "Giving me head!"]
Oh, woe is me, my life is a misery.
Oh, can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
[echo "a pretty big boner"]
I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.
[echo "and I got myself a beer" over "with a start when I
fell out of bed."]
All: That ain't no crime.
Rocky: And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.
All: That ain't no crime.
Rocky: My high is low, I'm dressed up with no place to go.
[echo "no one to blow!"]
And all I know is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer.
[echo "a pretty big boner!"]
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh ho no no
Rocky: The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head.
All: That ain't no crime.
Frank: Well really.
Rocky: And I've got the feeling someone's going to be cutting the thread.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime.
Rocky: Oh no no no.
(repeat until end --- Sha-la-la)
All: Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime, Sha-la-la-la that ain't no crime,
sha-la-la.
Frank: Well really. ["No, Frankly."]
That's no way to behave on your first day out. ["Of the closet!"]
["Oh, look at his big dick and forgive him!"]
Rocky: Ugh Ugh (forlornly like a puppy dog)
Frank: But since you're such an exceptional beauty, I am prepared to
forgive you.
Rocky: Ugh Ugh (applause) (Rocky [and audience] claps like a child)
{"Hey, show us how you jack off Siamese twins! Don't forget to twist!']
[sing "If you're horny and you know it, beat your bars..."]
Frank: Oh, I just love success.
["You love anything with a 'suck' in it."]
Riff Raff: He's a credit to your genius, master.
Frank: Yes.
Magenta: A triumph of your will.
Frank: Yes.
Columbia: He's O.K. ["For me to poop on!"]
[(sing the Smurf song)]
Frank: O.k. ["Kill that Smurf!"] (smack) ["Ouch! Movie=2 Smurfs=nothing!"]
["Get your tits off my tank!"]
O.K.! I think we can do better than that. Humph!
["We asked Brad and Janet to take our taste test..."]
["See slut, see slut lie, lie slut lie!']
Well, Brad and Janet, ["tap tap tap"] what do you think of him?
["Lie through your teeth, Janet!"]
Janet: Well, I don't like men with too many muscles.
["Just one BIG one!" "Why are you looking at Brad, he doesn't have it!"]
Frank: I didn't make him... FOR YOU! ["yeah, but she gets him anyway!"]
He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.
[clap and bark like a seal]
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part I)
(Frank gives Rocky gift-wrapped barbells with a tag saying
"Happy Birthday Rocky")
["Happy birthday Rocky - my name must be Happy!"]
Frank: ["Describe Dan Quayle"]
A weakling weighing ninety-eight pounds ["That's two Dan Quayles"]
Will get sand in his face
When kicked to the ground [echo "in the groin"];
(Rocky laughs.) ["I like kicked in the groin!"]
And soon in the gym ["ooh! Who's Jim???"]
with a determined chin, [echo "cum on his chin"]
The sweat from his pores as he works for his cause [echo "fucks Santa Claus"]
Will make him glisten
["What's your favorite toothpaste?"] and gleam. ["With fluoride?"]
And with massage, ["Fluoride's better."]
and just a little bit of steam,
["Go for it!" or "Go for the gold!" followed by...
sing "Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!" "Why do you
think he missed it?"]
He'll be pink and quite clean
He'll be a strong man. ["what does come taste like?"] Oh honey...
All: But the wrong man.
["Show us your smallest dildo" as he wheels out horse]
Frank: He'll eat nutritious ["cum"] high protein ["cum"].
And swallow raw eggs... [echo "cum" over "eggs"]
Try to build up his shoulders, his chest, arms, and... legs.
["Fuck that horse!"] Such an effort if he only knew of my plan.
In just seven days...
["And six long nights..." repeat after each time]
Frank & Transylvanians: I can make you a man. [echo "fag, just like
your dad" over "man"]
Frank: He'll do press-ups, and chin-ups, do the snatch,
clean and jerk ["off"].
He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work. [echo "is a really big word!"]
Such strenuous living I just don't understand,
When in just seven days, oh baby, ...I can make you a man.
["The next three words have been censored:"(three beeps)"Andew Dice Clay!"]
["Incoming!"]
["Microwave's done, what's for dinner?"]
Columbia: EDDIE!
HOT PATOOTIE (BLESS MY SOUL)
["Kickstand, check, helmet, check, say something brilliant-"]
(Eddie says "Woo!") ["Oh, two out of three ain't bad..."]
Eddie: Whatever happened to Saturday night, ["It became Sunday morning!"]
When you dressed up sharp and you felt alright?
It don't seem the same since cosmic light ["Cosmic cow!"]
Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
And listen to the music on the radio; [echo "The Rocky Horror Picture Show!"]
A saxophone was playing in a rock 'n roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [clap clap clap clap]
I really love that rock 'n roll.
[echo "sex drugs and twelve year olds" (go down in years by twos til:)
"sex drugs and embryos"]
(Sax solo) [when Eddie stomps the floor, "Eat shit, and die"]
My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
It felt pretty good. Woo! you really had a good time.
(he dances with columbia)
["Houston, we have lift-off!"]
Hot patootie, bless my soul, [clap clap clap clap]
I really love that rock 'n roll.
["Ladies and gentlemen, Brad on Sax!"]
(The Transylvanian stomp) ["Do the hustle!"]
[Say "LOVE" and "HATE" when you see them on his knuckles]
[When you see Eddie's face: "UGLY!" his back: "BABY!" his body: "Stunt double!"]
[When onscreen: "Frankie! Rocky! Trannie!"]
(Frank attacks Eddie with an ice pick) [Scream]
["You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you
can't pick your friend's nose."]
["What's the score and make it cute! Hurry up, you fucking fruit!"]
Frank: One from the vaults. (chuckles)
["Bloody rubbers, icky-poo! Give em to magenta, she knows what to do!
- turn them inside out and use them again!"]
["Here Magenta, put these behind the guest castle!"]
Rocky: Ugh...
["I'm upset!"]
Frank: Oh baby... Don't be upset... ["What sort of a killing was it?"]
It was a mercy [echo "messy"] killing... ["mercy mercy mercy"
or "messy messy messy"] He had a certain naive charm,
["But he was FAT!"] but no muscle ["Show us some muscle!"]
(Rocky flexes a bicep) ...Oh!
I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN (part II)
Frank: But a deltoid and a bicep.
["What did you have for lunch?"]
A hot groin and a tricep.
Makes me, ["wanna fuck with a midget"] oooh, shake,
Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the ["Balls!"]...ha-ha-hand.
Frank & Transylvanians: In just seven days I can make you a man.
[sing, to the beat: "He's got the look that I want to know better!
He's got the look that's all together!"]
Frank: I don't want no dissention, just dynamic tension.
["Take it, Janet!"]
Janet: I'm a muscle fan. [echo "Eat my bearded clam!"]
["How'd she learn the words?" "She slept with the director."]
Frank: In just seven days, I can make you a man
["What do you do with a wedgie?"]
Dig it if you can
In just seven days, I can make you a man.
(Frank and Rocky's WEDDING MARCH)
Transylvanians: Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah! Frank and Rocky, rah-rah-rah!
[throw Confetti]
["Jump start!"]
["I say that life is an illusion."]
Narrator: There are those that say that life is an illusion
["like your neck"] and that reality is but a figment of the
imagination. ["Like your neck"] If this is so, then Brad and Janet
are quite safe ["with their necks"], ... however, the sudden
departure of their host [echo "necks"]...and his ["neck"] creation
...into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite
[echo "Sweet" up high] had left them feeling both ["neckless"]
apprehensive and uneasy ["without necks"]
A feeling which grew ["unlike your fucking neck"]
as the other guests departed, {'with their necks"]
and they were shown to their separate
rooms. {"with their separate necks! okay, I'm a necrophiliac! Get over it!"]
(Janet and Brad are shown to their rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta.)
["Pink is for Sluts... watch out for the basin..."]
[sing "He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been fucking, and when you masturbate"]
["Sit Boo boo, SIT!"] (Janet sits.) ["Good dog! Woof!"]
(Brad enters room)
["Same room, different color, cheap movie."]
["Same line, different week, cheap audience"]
(howl) ["Creatures of the night, shut up."]
(knock)
{"Never worry, never fear, Frank the wonder fuck is here!
Long or short, thick or thin, vaseline will get it in!
Two, four, six, eight, Frankie's fucks are always great!
Yay, Frankie!!!"]
Janet: Uhh! Who is it? Who's there?
["It's the plumber. I've come to fix the basin."]
Frank (Brad): It's only me, Janet.
Janet: Oh, Brad darling, come in.
["And out, and in, and out..."]
Oh! Brad Oh oh oh... Yes, my darling...but what if...
Frank (Brad): It's all right, Janet, everything's going
to be alright.
["Don't fuck with the hair"]
["You what this movie really needs? A dead cat."]
Janet: Oh, I hope so, my darling. Oh...Ah...ahh OHHH! Oh it's you!
["Yes, it's I! Al Franken, Male Protitute!"]
Frank: I'm afraid so, Janet, but isn't it nice...
["With me, Al Franken, male prostitute?"}
Janet: Oh, you beast, you monster...Oh what have you done with Brad?
Frank: Oh, well, nothing. Why, do you think I should?
["I will because I'm Al Franken, male prostitute!"]
Janet: You tricked me...I wouldn't have...I've never..never...
["What about the football team", answer "That was just practice"]
Frank: Yes, yes I know, but it isn't all bad, is it? ["It isn't all
Brad either!"] I think you really found it quite pleasurable.
Janet: Oh, stop...I mean help...Brad Brad!..Oh Brad!!
["I'm not Brad, I'm Al Franken, male prostitute!"]
Frank: Shhh. Brad's probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you
like...This! {"With me, Al Franken, male prostitute?"]
Janet: Like this..like how??! Oh, it's your fault...you're to blame
Oh...I was saving myself...
["For what, a rainy day? Look outside, bitch, it's pouring!"]
Frank: Yes, but I'm sure you're not SPENT yet...
["But I'll spend you, I'm Al Franken, male prostitute!"]
Janet: Promise you won't tell Brad?
["You can trust me, I'm Al Franken, male prostitute!"]
Frank: Cross my heart and hope to die...
["Stick a dildo in my eye!"]
["Kick if you like it!"]
(scene with Riff & Magenta, Magenta with a mop)
[sing "I'm so glad we've had this time together" or "for leather"]
(Riff walks over to Magenta)
["Hey sis, I've got a great idea, I'll fuck the mob, and you fuck the monster!"
"No, I want to fuck the mob, you fuck the monster!"
"Okay take this, you'll need it more than I will"] (hands her hankie)
["He may be my brother but he's got a CUTE ASS!"]
(Riff walks over to Rocky)
["Muscle twitch, please! Thank you."]
[sing "Rocky takes it up the ass, doo-dah, doo-dah"]
["Servants entrance in the rear", answer "That's why they call
him the butler"]
(Riff grabs the candelabra) ["Not the thirteen pronged
dildo!!!" or "the Liberace treatment!"]
["Look its a dildo for the Brady Bunch! But who gets to be on top?
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!!!"]
(Riff Raff scares Rocky with a candelabra)
["Have some fire, Scarecrow!" or "Happy Channukah, Rocky!!!"]
(Rocky runs away as Riff cracks his whip)
(Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft)
["Shit, where's the bathroom?"]
["Hey how bout a light?"]
(Riff throws a candle down afetr him) ["No, a Bud light!"]
(Riff approaches Magenta)
[chant "Elbow Sex!" until they have it]
["Magenta's so tight she squeaks!"]
["That's what you get for douching with windex!"]
(scene change to Brad's room)
["Never worry, never fear, Frank the wonder fuck is here!
Long or short, thick or thin, vaseline will get it in
Two, four, six, eight, Frankie's fucks are always great!
Yay Frankie!"]
Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad darling, it's no good here. He'll destroy us.
Brad: Don't worry Janet, we'll be away from here in the morning.
Frank (Janet): Oh, Brad you're so strong and protective.
["You know what this movie really needs? Another dead cat..."]
Brad: Ah, ah, ah, oh YOU! ["Yes, it's me! Al Franken, male prostitute!!"]
Frank: I'm afraid so, Brad, but isn't it nice...?
["With me, Al Franken, Male Prostitute?"]
Brad: Why YOU! what have you done with Janet? ["Fucked the shit out of
her! Because I'm Al Franken, male prostitute!"]"]
Frank: Nothing. Why? Do you think I should?
Brad: You tricked me, I wouldn't have...never never...never...
["you will with me, Al Fanken, male prostitute!']
["Never never? What about the boy scout troups? I heard you were
up to six packs a day!"]
Frank: Oh Yes yes, I know...but it isn't all bad, is it? ["It's all Brad
this time!"] Not even half bad, I think you really quite
enjoyed it. ["With me, Al Franken, male prostitute"]
(Brad starts moaning)
Frank: Oh... so soft...
Brad: Stop it...stop it...oh Janet...["Poke him in the eye!"] JANET!
["Nope, it's me, Al Franken, male prostitute!"]
Frank: Shhh! Janet's probably asleep by now, do you want her to see you...
like...this. ["With me, Al Franken, male prostitue?"]
Brad: Like this, like how? It's your fault, you're to blame,[no, Sue's to
blame."] I thought it was the real thing! ["It is, only bigger!"]
Frank: Oh come on, Brad, admit it, you liked it, didn't you? There's no
crime in giving yourself over to pleasure.
["It is in New Jersey!"] We've wasted so
much time already. Janet needn't know, I won't tell.
Brad: Well, promise you won't tell...
Frank: ["Where did you last have sex?"]
On my mother's gra.oouuuuuu...
["you can trust me, I'm Al Franken, male pros...u...uuu...."]
(BEEPBEEPBEEP...)
Riff Raff: Master, Rocky has broken his chains and vanished. ["POOF"] The
new playmate is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds...
[echo "coffee grounds"] Magenta has just released ["her sisters"]
the dogs...["and she's leading the pack"]
Frank: Mmmmm? coming! ["So's Brad!"]
Janet: What's happening here? ["SEX!"] Where's Brad? ["Having SEX!"]
Where's anybody? ["We're ALL HAVING SEX!"]
["Kibbles 'n Bits, Kibbles 'n Bits, I'm gonna get me some
Kibbles 'n Bits!" or "Nipples and clits..."]
Janet: Oh, Brad. ["oh shit"] Brad, my darling, ["Janet my slut"]
how could I have done this to you? Oh!
["It was easy, but it would have been easier without those
pantyhose on! Drip Drip Drip!"]
Oh if only we hadn't made this journey... [echo "My hand wasnt stuck to my head!"]
If only the car hadn't broken down... ["My hand wasnt stuck to my face!"]
If only we were amongst friends ["But you're not!"]
Or sane persons, ["Two out of three ain't bad"]
Oh Brad ["oh if only my back wasn't stuck to this tank!"]
Oh Brad ["oh if only my hand wasnt stuck to my tits!']
["Get butch, bitch!"] what have they done with him...
["nice handle"]
(she sees him on TV with Frank)
["Once in a while... oh, shit, I'm just gonna smoke."]
Oh, Brad,["She's only crying because she can't jump that high. She
hasn't seen the ladder yet."]
(she fondles the handle) ["Fifty Ways to Love Your Lever"
or "The Shape of things to Come"]
(Rocky emits moans and general cries of pain)
["Leave him alone, he's monster bating"]
(Rocky gets up) ["Who said masturbation wasn't a dirty
business" or "See what masturbation can do to you?" answer "I don't
look like that, I must be doing something wrong!"]
Janet: Oh, but you are hurt...Did they do this to you? ["No, I did it to
myself"] I'll dress your wounds... ["He's got more hurt than
you've got skirt!" or "Make me a three piece suit] baby there...
let me make it all better.
["That's not in the Girl Scout manual!" answer "Yes it is,
on page 69!"]
["Hey Janet - do you want to fuck Rocky, or the audience? Rocky, or the audience?
The audience???!!" (cheer)]
Narrator: Emotion, [echo "erection" over "emotion"] agitation or disturbance
of the mind...Vehement or excited mental state. ["And you can only
read about it, shit-lips!"] It is also a powerful and irrational master
[echo "mouthwash" over master]...
and from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their
television monitor ["eager beavers"] there seemed little doubt that
Janet was, indeed, ... its slave. ["Rocky's horror!']
Magenta and Columbia: [echo] Tell us about it, Janet.
TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH-A TOUCH ME
Janet: I was feeling done in, ["echo "come in!" "and out, and in..."] couldn't win.
["Try the lottery, 666"]
I'd only ever kissed before.
Columbia: You mean she...["A liar?"]
Magenta: Uh huh
Janet: I thought there's no use getting ["Laid!"]
Into heavy petting
It only leads to trouble
And seat wetting.
[stand up, look at your seat, "oh shit, my seat's wet."
answer "sit down and enjoy it!"]
Now all I want to know is how to go. [echo "blow"]
I've tasted blood [echo "cum"] and I want more.
Magenta and Columbia: [echo] More, more, more
Janet: I'll put up no resistance
I want to go the distance [echo "suck your distance"]
I've got an itch to scratch [echo "itchy snatch"] ["Try Vagisil"]
I need assistance. ["Cause I have syphillis!"]
Toucha toucha toucha touch me [echo "Fucka fucka fucka fuck me!"]
I want to be dirty [echo "I wanna fuck Rocky!"]
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me [echo "Eat me, beat me, mistreat me!"]
Creature of the night. [echo "Make me write bad checks!"]
[when Rocky goes between Janet's legs: "Yum! Fish tacos!"
"This looks like a good place for a stick up... or a stick in"]
Then if anything grows, ["like your dick?"] while you pose, [echo "or you nose"]
I'll oil you up and rub you down.
Magenta and Columbia: ["up"] Down, ["up"] down, ["up"] down. ["up"]
Janet: And that's just one small fraction [echo "section"]
of the main attraction [echo "your huge erection"]
You need a friendly hand - I need action. ["you call that action?"]
[(your baloons should be blown up - rub them like Janet's breasts!)]
Toucha toucha toucha touch me [echo "Fucka fucka fuck me"]
I want to be dirty [echo "I wanna fuck Rocky"]
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me [echo "Eat me, beat me, mistreat me!"]
Creature of the night. [echo "Make me write bad checks!"]
Columbia: Toucha toucha toucha touch me
Magenta: I want to be dirty.
Columbia: Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,
Magenta: Creature of the night.
["LSD cam!"]
Janet: Toucha toucha toucha touch me, oh, I want to be dirty
Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night.
["Toilet cam!!!']
Rocky: Creature of the night [echo "Monster of the night!']
Brad: Creature of the night? [echo "Asshole of the night!"]
Frank: Creature of the night. [echo "Faggot of the night."]
Magenta: Creature of the night. ["too much hair"]
Riff Raff: Creature of the night. ["not enough hair"]
Columbia: Creature of the night. [(scream!!) "EEEEK!!!!"]
Rocky: Creature of the night. ["Rocky Two!"]
Janet: Creature of the night.
["Orgasm!" (pop the balloon!)]
(scene change, Riff being whipped)
["Thank you master, may I have another", after each crack]
Riff Raff: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! ["Say thank you in French!"]
Merrrrrcy! (being whipped by Frank)
Frank: How did it happen? ["Beats me, but I got a hunch!"]
I understood you were to be watching...
Riff Raff: I was only away for a minute...["doing what?"] master ["bating"]
Frank: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.
["Frank, Show us your backhand" (shows it) "Needs work!"]
[(Brad looks upset. "He never beats me like that!"]
Riff Raff: Master, master...we have a visitor.
["It's Mary Poppins taking a shit! It's R2-Fuck you!"]
Brad: Hey, Scotty!
["Beam me up, this planet sucks!"] Dr. Everett Scott. ["Suck my cock!"]
Riff Raff: You know this earthling ["Watch it, O'Brian!" "Fuck you Curry, I
wrote the script"] ...this person?
Brad: Why yes. He happens to be an old friend [echo "fuck"] of mine.
["Assholes don't have friends, just hemorroids."]
Frank: ["What's your favorite fruit drink?"] I see. ["I prefer Kool-Aid."]
So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. ["No, it was a date"]
You came here with a purpose. [echo "on a porpoise"]
Brad: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.
["Assholes don't lie, they just give you a lot of shit"]
Frank: I know what you told me...but this Dr. Everett Scott, his name
is not unknown to me. [say "Ow, quit it!" each time Frank nudges Brad]
Brad: He was a science teacher at Denton High School.
Frank: And now he works for your government, doesn't he, Brad? He's
attached to the bureau of investigation of that which you call
UFO's ["Un-Forgettable Orgasms"] Isn't that right, Brad?
["I paid six dollars for this fucking movie, and I want to see
Brad's nipple! Thank you..."]
["Hey Brad, is Dr. Scott gay?"]
Brad: He might be... ["Are YOU gay?"] I don't know.
Riff Raff: The intruder is entering the building, master. ["And the building
doesn't like it one bit!"]
Frank: ["Where will he be?"] He'll probably be in... ["In the George
Harrison room?"] in the Zen room. ["Zen go get him!"]
["why is it called a roachclip?" answer;"because potholder was already taken!']
Shall we inquire of him in person? ["No, let's use the
cripple-contact electro-faggot-magnet."]
["Go speed cripple, go speed cripple, go speed cripple, go!"]
[sing "Ring around the lesbians" as he circles Magenta and Columbia
"Fucking tourists.. they never buy anything!"]
(pause)
["Shave and a haircut..." or "Hey, Kool-aid!"]
Brad: Great Scott! [throw TOILET PAPER]
Dr. Scott: Frankenfurter, ["Oascar Meyer!"] we meet at last. ["No, we meet at first"]
Brad: Dr. Scott! ["Suck my cock!"]
Dr. Scott: Brad! What are you doing here? ["Oh, just fucking around."]
Frank: Don't play games, Dr. Scott. You know perfectly well what
Brad Majors is doing here. ["Getting great head!"]
It was part of your plan, was it not?
That he and his female [echo "she-male"] should check the layout for you.
["They checked in, and got laid out!!"]
Well, unfortunately for you, all your plans are to be changed.
You must be adaptable, Dr. Scott; I know Brad is.
["You promised you wouldn't tell"]
Dr. Scott: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete
surprise to me. ["Didn't you read the script?"]
I came here to find Eddie. ["Denny's?"]
Brad: Eddie! I've seen him! [echo "Denny's? I've eaten there!"]
Frank: Eddie! What do you know of Eddie, Dr. Scott?
["Get snotty, Scotty!"]
Dr. Scott: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things.
[echo "I happen to know a great deal of shit about a lot of shit."]
You see.. Eddie happens to be my ["sex life"] nephew. ["same thing"]
(Frank gasps)
Brad: Dr. Scott.
Janet: Ah! ["Foiled by a fake orgasm!"]
[echo all following lines]
["Mouseketeer roll call sound off now!"]
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! ["Annette!" or "Adrian!!!!!"]
(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! ["Annette!" or "Adrian!!!!!"]
(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)
Dr. Scott: Janet!
Janet: Dr. Scott!
Brad: Janet!
Janet: Brad!
Frank: Rocky! ["Annette!" or "Adrian!!!!!"]
(Rocky says nothing, not even a grunt)
Frank: Listen...["Mr. Potato Head]...I made you...and I can break you just
as easily.
(to Rocky)
Magenta: (GONG) ["It's the gong show!"] Master, dinner is prepared!
["And so's your accent!" or "Papayas? I hate papayas!"]
Frank: Excellent. ["Egg salad?"] Under the circumstances, formal dress
is to be optional.
["Toga! Toga! Toga!" "Naked! Naked! Naked!"]
Narrator: Food has always played a vital role in Life's rituals.
The breaking of the bread, the last meal of the condemned man,
["The last meal IS the condemned man!"]
and then this meal. However informal it might appear, you can
be sure that there was to be little, bonhommie. [echo "Bon Jovi"]
["Bone-a-who??"]
(Dinner is served, the clatter of dishes is heard)
[As Magenta enters "If that's the hostess, I'd hate to see the
Twinkies, but I'd love to see the cream filling."]
[as Riff brings dinner: "What's for dinner? Nutricious... delicious...."]
(Riff opens the lid)
["...It's steam!" or "It's Madonna's clitoris!"]
(The dinner is shown)
["Hey Meatloaf, do the Time Warp - a jump to the left!" as it hits the table]
["You killed it, you carve it."]
["It slices, it dices, it even circumcizes! It's the
handy dandy Black & Decker Pecker Wrecker!"]
(Frank slices it with the slicer)
[scream as he slices]
["There goes my one-skin... there goes my two-skin..." etc]
(Riff and Magenta pour the wine)
["Why is Rocky drinking out of a specimin jar? Because he's
pissed."]
[as they get to Dr Scott: "What kind of wine is it?"]
[as it spills: "Must be table wine"]
[as Riff "deals" the meat: "Hey Riff! deal me a slice" "He sure
knows how to sling his meat!"]
["Hey Rocky eats like a Marine eating pussy! Eat like a Marine OFFICER eating pussy-
use a fucking weapon!!!"]
Frank: A toast [throw TOAST] ["to cannibalism"]...to absent friends...
["And all the dalmations who died for Brad's cup!"]
All: [echo] To absent friends.
["My nipples are hard...."]
Frank: and Rocky. ["Hey, it's a gay unicorn!! We come from France!" (coneheads accent)]
["Hey, this time finish the song, last week you stopped in
the middle."]
(singing w/ Janet, et al)
Happy Birthday to you ["Woo!"]
Happy Birthday to you ["Woo!"]
Happy Birthday dear Rocky... (stops)
Janet: Happy Birthday to you...
Frank: Shall we?
Dr. Scott: We came here to discuss [echo "digest"] Eddie. ["Dinner?"]
Columbia: Eddie! (Frank threatens her with the slicer)
["Shut up bitch or I slice off your other tit!"]
Frank: That's a rather tender subject. ["That's a rather tasteless joke"]
Another slice anyone?
["Brad gets it, Janet gets it, Dr Scott gets it, Rocky doesn't
give a shit"]
Columbia: Excuse me
["We just replaced Columbia's regular vibrator with a straight-edged razor...
Let's see if she can tell the difference!"](Scream on exit)
Dr. Scott: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I
imagined...Aliens!
["Who the fuck are YOU talking to?", answer
"Who the fuck are WE talking to?"]
Rocky: Ugh?
Brad: Doctor Scott! ["Janet Brad Rocky Ugh!"]
Frank: Go on, Dr. Scott. Or ["as we say in East Berlin"] should I say
Dr. Von Scott.
[stand up and put out your arm to say "Seig heil!"]
[answer; "Seek help."]
Brad: Just what exactly are you implying?
["That he's a fucking Nazi, stupid."]
Dr. Scott: It's all right!
Brad: Doctor Scott!
Scott: It's all right, Brad. ["I can bullshit my way out of this with a song!"]
EDDIE'S TEDDY
From the day he was born ["Not the night, but the day"]
He was trouble. ["With a pop-o-matic bubble!"]
He was the thorn ["Not the rose but the thorn"]
In his mother's side. ["Not the back, but the side"]
She tried in vain ["Not the artery but the vein"]
Narrator: ...but he never caused her nothing but shame. ["Shame shame shame"
with finger motion]
Scott: He [clap] left [clap] home [clap] the day she died.
["It's Rockin' Scott!"]
From the day she was gone ["Bop shebop bop"]
All he wanted ["Was Doctor Scott's cock!"]
Was Rock 'n' Roll porn ["Bop shebop bop"] ["Hi Mom!"]
And a motorbike. ["oooo weee eeee oooo"]
Shooting up junk... ["Gimme drugs, lots of drugs, HARD drugs!"]
Narrator: He was a low down cheap little punk! ["Yay Punks!"]
Scott: Taking everyone for a ride. ["He never took me for a ride!"]
["Hey Dr. Scott, turn your vibrator on high!"]
All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
[echo "circumsized his teddy"]
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
[echo "knew he was a Jewish kid"]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
{(alternate : when Betty said she wouldnt give you head, you knew she was
a lesbian, what when she threatened your life with a sex-foot dyke..)]
Frank: What a guy! [echo "What a fag"]
Janet: Makes you cry. [echo "Makes you gag"]
Scott: Und I did. [echo "And I did"]
Columbia: Everybody shoved him. [echo "Everybody fucked him"]
I very nearly loved him. [echo "I very nearly sucked him"]
I said, hey, listen to me; [echo "I said, hey, listen, screw me"]
Stay sane inside insanity! [echo "stay hard inside my cavity"]
But he locked the door and threw away the key.
[echo "so he pulled it out and came all over me"]
Scott: But he must have been drawn ["To Dr. Scott's cock"]
Into something, ["Like Dr. Scott's cock"]
Making him warn ["Not you but...?"]
Me in a note that reads...
All: [echo] What's it say? What's it say?
Eddie's voice: I'm out of my hed. ["Spelled H - E - D"]
Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. ["Spelled right!"]
They mustn't carry out their evil deeds.
[echo "make me smoke their evil weed!"] ["Scream!"] (scream)
All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
Frank: What a guy! [echo "What a fag"]
Janet: Makes you cry. [echo "Makes you gag"]
Scott: Und I did. [echo "and I did"]
All: When Eddie said he didn't like his Teddy
You knew he was a no-good kid. [clap clap]
But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife
[echo "Ball point pen" over "switch-blade knife"]
Frank: What a guy! ["What the fuck is a ga-ha-ha?"]
Janet: Makes you cry. ["What does Fat Albert say?"]
Others: Hey, hey, hey.
Scott: Und I did. ["What the fuck is an und?"]
["I fucking hate celery!" or better yet....
"Hey Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat.
nothin' up my sleeve... Presto!"]
(All scream)
["I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!"]
Frank: Rocky! How could you? (slaps Janet) ["The pantyhose were ripped!"]
(general mayhem as Frank chases Janet. Riff and Magenta laugh,
until Riff suddenly says "Shut up!" [which the audience echoes])
WISE UP
I'll tell you once; I won't tell you twice. [hiss on every "ice"]
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
Your apple pie don't taste too nice.
You'd better wise up, Janet Weiss.
I've laid the seed; it should be all you need.
You're as sensual as a pencil, wound up like an E or first string.
When we made it, didja hear a bell ring?
Ya gotta block? Well, take my advice.
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
The transducer will seduce ya.
Janet: My feet! I can't move my feet!
Scott: My wheels! My God, I can't move my wheels! [echo "cheeks"]
Brad: ["My socks! I can't move my socks!"] It's as if we're glued to
the spot!
Frank: You are! So quake with fear, you tiny fools!
["Go for the Oscar, Janet!"]
Janet: We're trapped!
Frank: (sung) It's something you'll get used to. A mental mind fuck
can be nice..
Scott: You won't find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagine.
This sonic transducer. It is, I suppose, some kind of audio-
vibrato-physio-molecular transport device?
Brad: You mean... ["A vibrator!"]
Scott: Yes, Brad, it's something we ourselves have been working on
for quite some time. ["A working vibrator"]
But it seems our friend here has found
a means of perfecting it. ["A perfect vibrator"]
A device capable of breaking down solid matter
["A broken vibrator"] and then projecting it through space and,
who knows, perhaps even time itself. ["Vibrators in space!!!"]
Janet: You mean he's going to send us to another planet?
Frank: [echo] Planet, shmanet, Janet!
You better wise up, Janet Weiss.
You better wise up, build your thighs up,
You better wise up
Narrator: [echo] And then she cried out...
Janet: Stop! [echo "More!"]
Frank: Don't get hot and flustered! ["What do you do when you run out of K-Y?"]
Use a bit of mustard.
Brad: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter.
[echo "squirt" over hurt]
(Freeze - Brad)
Scott: You're a hot dog, but you better not try to hurt her, Frank Furter.
[echo "squirt" over hurt]
(Freeze - Scott)
Janet: You're a hot dog --
(Freeze - Janet)
["It wouldn't have rhymed anyway."]
Columbia: My God! I can't stand any more of this! ["So siddown!"]
First you spurn me for Eddie, and then you throw him off like an
old overcoat for Rocky! ["Sperm sperm sperm"]
You chew people up and then you spit them out again.
["Tastes better that way!."] I loved you..["WHAT?"]
did you hear me? I loved you! ["Oh, I thought it was something important"]
And what did it get me? ["A hole in my pajamas."]
Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. ["At least it was a BIG nothing!"]
You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, and drain others of their
love and emotion. ["come and erections!"]
Yeah, well, I've had enough. {"peek-a-boo!"]
You're gonna choose between me and Rocky, so named because of the
rocks in his head.
["Oh shit, what a bitch, quick, Magenta, flup the switch!"]
(freeze)
["Hefty lefty, lighty righty, better get a chisel!"]
[OR: "Some like 'em big, some like 'em small,
Columbia aims to please them all!"]
[OR: "No wwe know which side Eddie slept on!"]
Frank: It's not easy having a good time... ["Try Disneyland on acid!"]
["I'm a little tea-pot!"](freeze Rocky)
["Great party, everyone's either stoned or plastered!"]
...even smiling makes my face ache
["I see a red door and I want to paint it black!"]["Eargasm!"]
["What's your favorite soap opera?"]
...all my children turn on me... Rocky's behaving just the way
Eddie did...Do you think I made a mistake splitting his brain
between the two of them? ["That could be it"]
Magenta: Ahhhh! I grow veary of this vorld! ["And this accent!"]
Vhen shall ve return to Transylvania, huh?
["huh huh huh, stayin alive, stayin alive!"]
[as Riff turns Magenta towords him: "Going, going,..."]
Frank: Magenta, I am indeed grateful to both you and your brother
Riff Raff. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours
shall not go unrewarded. You will discover that when the mood
takes me, I can be quite generous.
["She's gone!"]
Magenta: I ask for nothing...nothing. ["under twelve inches"]
Frank: And you shall receive it...in abundance! [echo "In the buttocks!"]
["What does Brad want to do?" or "Frank, what's your favorite
high protein drink?"] Come, we are ready for the floor show!
[chant "elbow sex" until they have it.]
[That's statutory rape! Isn't it marble-ous?]
{"there's a little black spot on my arm today... same black spot as
last Sturday!"]
["Poor Dr. Scott - he's always getting fucked over."]
Narrator: And so, by some extraordinary co-incidence, fate, it seemed,
had decided that Brad and Janet should keep that appointment
with their friend, Dr. Everett Scott. But it was to be in a
situation which none of them would have possibly forseen.
And, just a few hours after announcing their engagement,
Brad and Janet had both tasted ["Frank's cock]
...forbidden fruit. ["Kumquats!"] This in itself was proof
that their host was a man of of little morals ["Yay little morals"]
...and some persuasion. ["Gay persuasion"] What
further indignities were they to be subjected to? ["Anal sex without
lubrication."] And what of the floor show that is spoken of?
["Where do you masturbate?"] In an empty house?
["When do you masturbate?"] In the middle of the night? ["The rates
are cheaper!"] What diabolical plan had seized Frank's crazed
imagination?
[echo "What diabolical chicken stepped on this man's forehead, shit on
his tie, and stole his Fucking Neck!"]
What indeed? From what had gone before, it was clear that this
was to be ["I want an orgy!" answer: "I want a picnoic!" "orgy!" "Picnic!"]
no picnic. [(orgy supporters cheer)]
A. FLOOR SHOW part I
ROSE TINT MY WORLD
(Frank is running around making preparations while the others are
frozen on the stage.)
["It's Mrs. Doubtfire!"]
["Ladies, this is what happens when you don't swallow!"]
["Gentlemen, this is what happens when you don't aim!']
["The first MIT graduate" as he plays with the lights]
(unfreeze Columbia)
Columbia: It was great when it all began. ["A-wakka-wakka!"]
I was a regular Frankie fan. [echo "lesbian!']
But it was over when he had the plan
To start a-working on a muscle man.
Now the only thing that gives me hope ["Is smoking dope"]
Is my love of a certain dope.
Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my
[echo "Jiggle jiggle, jiggle, I see nipples!"] trouble and pain
["There goes our G rating!"]
(Unfreeze - Rocky)
Rocky: I'm just seven hours old, ["And can't dance"]
And truly beautiful to behold. ["and modest too"]
And somebody should be told ["I can't sing"]
My libido hasn't been controlled.
Now the only thing I've come to trust ["Is Janet's bust"]
Is an orgasmic rush of lust. ["same thing"]
["There goes our PG rating!"]
Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.
(Unfreeze - Brad)
{"Hey Brad, can you come on the ceiling?"]
Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy!
I'll be good; you'll see.
Take this dream away. [echo "boa" over "dream"]
What's this? ["the floor"] Let's see, ["That's your leg."]
I feel sexy! ["there goes our PG-13 rating!"]
What's come over me? ["Frank"]
Woo! Here it comes again.
(unfreeze - Janet)
Janet: I feel released; [echo "real cheap"] bad times deceased.
My confidence has increased; reality is here.
The game has been disbanded; my mind {echo "thighs"] has been expanded.
It's a gas that Frankie's landed!
["What's that smell? Cover it up!"]
His lust is so sincere.
(blows kiss)
["Oh shit now the whole audience has mono!"]
FLOOR SHOW part II
(Fanfare and RKO logo appears)
["What the fuck is an RKO?"
[answer: "a really Kinky Orgasm!"]
DON'T DREAM IT
Frank: Whatever happened to Fay Wray? ["She went ape-shit!" or
"She got fucked by a forty foot ape"]
That delicate, satin-draped frame?
As it clung to her thigh ["What? the ape-shit?"]
How I started to cry ["You'd cry too if you were fucked by a forty
foot ape"]
'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. [echo "Like a chicken!"]
["Kick that cock! Franks so hot the stage is getting a hard-on"]
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
Erotic nightmares, ["how big is my cock?"] beyond any measure
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever.
["Can I touch your cock?"] Can't you just see it?
["NO! I want to touch it!!"] Oh, oh, oh.....
[if you're up to it, have an orgy in the aisles]
["Waiter, there's a transvesite in my soup!"]
["New, fruit-filled Lifesavers (or Queerios) - don't look
for them in the market, they eat each other."]
["No wonder the Titanic sank, Frank sucked all the Seamen out of it!"]
["What's the difference between Frank and the Titanic?
We know how many men went down on the Titanic!"]
["Where is God's hand, and why is Frank smiling?"]
Don't dream it, be it. (four times)
[echo "Don't drink it, we peed in it" each time]
All: Don't dream it, be it. (twelve times)
["Use the force!"]
(Unfreeze - Scott. In on sixth time)
Scott: Ach! ["Choo"] We've got to get ["the fuck"] out of this trap
["and into that pool!"] before this decadence ["Yay decadence!"]
saps our wills.
I've got to be strong, ["Like a good rubber"] and try to
hang on ["like a good rubber"], or else my mind may well snap
["like a bad rubber"] and my life will be lived
["Why do we come here every week??"] ...for the thrills!
["echo, "We have no social lives!!!!"]
Brad: It's beyond me; help me Mommy! ["Shut the fuck up!"]
Janet: God bless Lilly St. Cyr. ["She don't taste too good!"]
FLOOR SHOW part III
WILD AND UNTAMED THING
["Frank, whose pool is this and tell us thirteen times"]
Frank: My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my...y!
I'm a wild and an untamed thing.
I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
["Sporty, Baby, Scary, Posh!"]
{OR: "John, Paul George, Ringo!"]
All: We're a wild and an untamed thing.
We're a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
(they run and dance)
[on each jump : "cheese toast!"]
We're a wild and an untamed thing.
We're a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.
Riff Raff: Frank N Furter, it's all over.
Your mission is a failure; [echo "this movie is a failure"]
Your lifestyle's too extreme. [echo "you're acting's too extreme"]
I'm your new commander; [echo "I'm your new director"]
You now are my prisoner. [echo "you are now an extra"]
We return to Transylvania. [echo "We return with sudden plot twist!']
Prepare the transit beam. [echo "Cue transition scene!"]
Frank: ["What do you say when you get caught fucking the
neighbor's dog?"]
Wait! ["Can you explain?"] I can explain! ["It was a nice dog."]
["It better be good - you got shot last week"]
["You go fuck with a purple onion, you go and flip some switches.
I'll stand here and look pathetic. The second MIT graduate!"]
I'M GOING HOME
["And now, for one night, and one night only, Lisa Minelli with
Alfalfa's shadow singing 'I'm going Homo!'"]
Frank: On the day I went away...
All: Goodbye... ["big fucking deal"]
Frank: Was all I had to say...
All: Now I... ["Who fucking cares"]
Frank: I want to come again, ["and again, and again..."] and stay. ["hard"]
All: Oh, my, my...
{"What does Janet's twat do sideways?"]
Frank: Smile, and that will mean I may. [echo "I'm gay"]
'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, ["I look like shit"] I'm going home.
All: I'm going home.
["Greg Brady in drag!"]
["Miss Piggy on acid!"]
["Instant audience, just add acid! Instand acid, just add ten bucks!
Instant ten bucks, just add a fucking JOB! Instant job, sell acid!"]
["Where do you masturbate (fuck)?"]
Frank: Everywhere ["How's it been each time?"] it's been the same...
All: ...feeling...
["What's it like when you cum in a ceiling fan?"]
Frank: ...like I'm outside in the rain...
All: ...wheeling...
["How much do you charge for a blow job?"]
Frank: ...free ["I'll take a six-pack"] to try and find a game...
All: ...dealing...
["What does hallmark make for Gothics?"]
Frank: ...cards for sorrow, ["...and for masochists?"]cards for pain.
["deal me in" throw CARDS]
'cause I've seen, oh, blue skies
Through the tears in my eyes
And I realize, ["I still look like a chicken."] I'm going home.
["All rise for the queen!" (stand up)]
Frank & All: I'm going home. (3 times)
(applause, then audience disappears)
["Look it's a Tiffani concert - she thinks she's alone now!"]
[No, it's a Michael Jackson concert - all the kids have backstage passes!"]
["No it's a Backstreet Boys concert - who the fuck would go see them?"]
Magenta: How sentimental. ["bitch!"]
Riff Raff: And also presumptuous of you. ["F"] You see ["K"], when I said WE
were to return to Transylvania, ["I was speaking bad French"]
I referred only to Magenta ["Who's Magenter?"] and myself.
I'm sorry, however, if you found my words misleading, but
you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, [echo "fishnets"] anyway.
Scott: Great heavens! That's a laser! ["duh"]
Riff Raff: Yes, Dr. Scott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure
anti-matter. ["You mean it doesn't matter?"]
Brad: You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime?
Scott: You saw what became of Eddie. Society must be protected.
["Fuck society!"]
Riff Raff: Exactly, Dr. Scott. And now, Frank N Furter, your time has
come. ["Like everyone else in this movie"]
Say goodbye to all of this, ["Goodbye, all of this"]
and hello ["Hello"] to oblivion.
["Hi, oblivion. How's the wife and kids? Still fucking the neighbor's dog?"
or: "your wife, my kids!"]
["Stand up and take it like a transvestite."]
["A blink of the eye, a twitch of the lips, the first one to scream
gets it right between the tits!"]
(Columbia screams - gets zapped)
["Oh shit, it works! It didn't work in rehearsal!"]
(Frank tries to escape by climbing the curtain)
["Go under the curtain! Under! Didn't you ever watch
Sesame Street?"]
(Frank screams - gets zapped, falls)
["This movie's made in New York City! New York City? Get a rope!"]
(Rocky stumbles to Frank's body) ["Wait, he's not dead yet! NOW he's dead!"]
(He cradles the body)["YOU BROKE MY FAGGOT!!!"]
Rocky moans over Frank's body -
gets zap, zap, zap, zapped as he climbs the RKO set ["Chest of
steel! Shoulder of steel! Back of steel! Dead transvestite of
steel!"] (shot of Rocky climbing up tower) ["Two best seats in the house!"]
(they fall) ["Tower of aluminum!"]
Janet: Oh! You killed them!
Magenta: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.
["Get paranoid, Riff!"]
Riff Raff: They didn't like me! ["Get REAL paranoid, Riff!"]
He never liked ME! ["That's because you have a banana on your head!"]
Scott: You did right. ["Kill a cripple, get a parking spot!"]
Riff Raff: A decision had to be made. ["And I made it."]
Scott: You're O.K. by me. ["Nanu-nanu" "Kiss ass!"]
Riff Raff: Dr. Scott, I'm sorry about your ["sex life"] nephew. ["same thing."]
Scott: Eddie? ["No, Penelope!"]
Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh, heh, heh.
Riff: You should leave now, Dr. Scott, while it is still possible.
["I'd rather leave when it's impossible!"] We are about to beam
the entire house to the planet Transexual, in the galaxy of
Transylvania ["In beautiful downtown Burbank!"]
Go... Now.
[sing "Roll out the cripple, and we'll have a wheelchair of fun"]
Our mission is completed, my most ["ugly Q-tip"] beautiful sister,
["If that's the beautiful sister, I'd hate to see the ugly one!"]
and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our
["Gitchy Goomy"] beloved planet.
Magenta: ["Show us how you held Riff-Raff last night!"]
Ah - Sweet Transexual, land of night, to sing and dance once
more to your dark refrains...to take that step to the right...
["Mortal Combat! HA"]
Riff: But it's the pelvic thrust...
(Time Warp flashback)
Trannies: That really drives you insane...!
Magenta: In our world, we'll do the Time Warp again!
(castle blasts off)
SUPER HEROES - note: many theatres dont have it!
Brad: I've done a lot
God knows I've tried
To find the truth
I've even lied
But all I know
Is down inside
All: I'm bleeding
Janet: And super heroes
Come to feast
To taste the flesh
Not yet deceased
And all I know
Is still the beast
All: Is feeding
[go up to screen and start "spinning" it. When globe
appears, switch directions. When Narrator stops globe, fall down.]
["Stop the world, I want to get off!" "Splat! You just killed
over a billion people!"]
["Get your finger out of Columbia!"]
Narrator: And crawling ["where?"] on the planet's face
Some insects ["why's your phone bill so high?"]called the human race...
{"Where's your fucking neck?"] Lost in time
["What's your favorite TV show?"] And lost in space
["like your neck!"]
["What does this movie lack?"] And meaning.
["one more time for the virgins!"]
All: Meaning. ["You forgot to turn off the globe"]
SCIENCE FICTION (REPRISE) - note: many theatres don't have it
Trixie: Science fiction - double feature
Frank has built and lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet
The servants gone to a distant planet.
Oh oh oh oh oh
At the late night double feature, picture show
I want to go - oh oh
To the late night double feature picture show.
FIN
