Brian: Saturday, March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon... We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong. But we think you're crazy to make us write this essay telling you who we think we are, what do you care? You see us as you want to see us... in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions. You see us as a brain, an athelete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Correct? That's the way we saw each other at seven o'clock this morning. We were brainwashed...

Vernon: And when I say essay... I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr.Bender?

Vernon: Questions?
Bender: Yeah, I've got a question. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?
Vernon: I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr.Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. (exit)
Bender: That man is a brownie-hound.

Andrew: Hey! If I lose my temper, you're totalled, man.
Bender: Totally?
Andrew: Totally.

Bender: What do you say we close that door? We can't have any kind of party with Vernon checking us out every few seconds.
Brian: Well, you know the door's supposed to stay open...
Bender: So what?
Andrew: So why don't you just shut up! There's four other people in here, you know.
Bender: God, you can count. See! I knew you had to be smart to be a wrestler.
Andrew: Who the hell are you to judge anybody anyway?
Claire: Really.
Andrew: You know, Bender, you don't even count. I mean if you disappeared forever it wouldn't make any difference. You may as well not even exist at this school.
Bender: Well... I'll just run right out and join the wrestling team. Maybe the prep club too! Student council.
Andrew: No, they wouldn't take you.
Bender: I'm hurt.

Claire: You know why guys like you knock everything?
Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire: Cause you're afraid.
Bender: Oh God, you richies are so smart, thats exactly why I'm not heavy in activities.
Claire: You're a big coward.
Brian: I'm in the math club.
Claire: You're afraid that they won't take you. You don't belong so you just have to dump all over it.
Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes now would it?
Claire: You wouldn't know. You don't know any of us.
Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers either but I'm not gonna run out and join one of their fuckin' clubs.
Andrew: Let's watch the mouth, huh?
Brian: I'm in the physics club.
Bender: Excuse me a sec. What are you babbling about?
Brian: Well, what I said was that I'm in the math club, the latin club, and the physics club.
Bender: Hey, Cherry, do you belong to the physics club?
Claire: That's an academic club.
Bender: So.
Claire: So, academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Bender: But to dorks like him, they are. What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: In physics, well, we talk about physics, properties of physics.
Bender: So it's sort of social. Demented and sad, but social, right?

Bender: I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.
Andrew: You'd never miss it. You don't have any goals.
Bender: Oh, but I do. I want to be just like you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights.
Brian: You wear tights?
Andrew: No, I do not wear tights. I wear the required uniform.
Brian: Tights.
Andrew: Shut up!

Claire: Only burners like you get high.

Brian: Bender, that's, that's school property there... you know, it doesn't belong to us. It's something not to be toyed with.
Andrew: That's very funny, come on, fix it!
Brian: You should really fix that!
Bender: Am I a genius?
Andrew: No, you're an asshole!
Bender: What a funny guy!
Andrew: Fix the door Bender!
Bender: Everyone just shhh!

Vernon: Gimme that.
Bender: I don't have it.
Vernon: You want me to yank you out of that seat and shake it out of you?
Bender: I don't have it. Screws fall out all the time, the world's an imperfect place.

Bender: How come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, IT'LL BE ANARCHY!

Vernon: You're not fooling anyone, Bender. The next screw that falls out is going to be you.
Bender: (low) Eat my shorts.
Vernon: What was that?
Bender: Eat. My. Shorts.
Vernon: You just bought yourself another Saturday.
Bender: Ugh, I'm crushed.
Vernon: You just bought one more right there.
Bender: Well, I'm free next Saturday, too! Beyond that, I'm gonna have to check my calendar.
Vernon: Good. Because it's going to be filled. We'll keep going. Want another one? Say the word. Just say the word. Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?
Bender: No.
Vernon: I'm doing society a favor.
Bender: So.
Vernon: Thats another one right now. I've got you the rest of your natural born life if you don't watch your step! You want another one?
Bender: Yes.
Vernon: You got it! Right there, that's another one, pal.
Claire: Cut it out!
Vernon: You through?
Bender: Not even close, BUD.
Vernon: Good. You got one more, right there.
Bender: You really think I give a shit?
Vernon: Another. You through?
Bender: How many is that?
Brian: That's seven including when you asked Mr.Vernon here if Barry Manilow knew that he raided his closet.
Vernon: Now it's eight. You stay out of this.
Brian: Excuse me, sir, it's seven.
Vernon: Shut up, Peewee. You're mine, Bender. For two months, I've gotcha.
Bender: What can I say? I'm THRILLED.

Vernon: Now that's it! I'm gonna be right outside those doors. Next time I have to come in here, I'm crackin' skulls.

Andrew: That's real intelligent.
Bender: You're right. It's wrong to destroy literature. It's so fun to read. And Mo-Lay really pumps my nads.

Bender: There's nothing to do when you're locked in a vacancy.
Andrew: Well, speak for yourself.
Bender: Do you think I'd speak for you? I don't even know your language.

Bender: Sporto, do you get along with your parents?
Andrew: Well, if I say yes I'm an idiot, right?
Bender: You're an idiot anyway. But if you say you get along with your parents, well then you're a liar, too.

Bender: Dork?
Brian: Yeah?
Bender: You are a parent's wet dream, OK?
Brian: Well, that's the problem.
Bender: Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kind of clothes. But face it, you're a neo-maxi-zoom-dweebie. What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?
Andrew: Why do always have to insult everybody?
Bender: I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect you to know the difference.
Andrew: Yeah well he has a name.
Bender: Yeah?
Andrew: Yeah. What's your name?
Brian: Brian.
Andrew: See?
Bender: My condolences.

Bender: Uh, Carl?
Carl: What?
Bender: Can I ask you a question?
Carl: Sure.
Bender: How does one become a janitor?
Carl: You want to be a janitor?
Bender: No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here is very interested in persuing a career in the custodial arts.

Bender: Uh, Dick? Excuse me, Rich? Will milk be made available to us?

Bender: You won't accept a boy's tongue in your mouth, and yet you're willing to eat that?
Claire: Can I eat?
Bender: I don't know. Give it a try.

Bender: What are we having?
Brian: Just your normal everyday lunch.
Bender: Milk?
Brian: Soup.... Apple juice.
Bender: I can read. PB & J with the crusts cut off. Well, Brian, this is a very nutricious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian: No, Mr. Johnson.

Andrew: All right, what about your family?
Bender: Oh mine? It's real easy. [As Dad] Stupid worthless no good goddamn free loadin' son of a bitch, retarded big mouth know it all asshole jerk! [As Mom] You forgot ugly lazy and disrespectful- [As Dad] Shut up bitch! Go fix me a turkey pot pie! [As him] What about you dad? [As Dad] Fuck you. [As him] No, dad, what about you? [As Dad] Fuck you. [As him] No dad, what about you?! [As Dad] Fuck you!
Brian: Is that for real?
Bender: Want to come over sometime?

Bender: Being bad feels pretty good, huh?

Vernon: What if your home, what if your family, what if your dope was on fire?
Bender: Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear.

Bender: A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says "OOHHHH Shiit!!" ((Loud crashing, otherwise known as a ruckus))
Vernon: Jesus Christ Almighty!
Bender: Forgot my pencil.

Brian: Chicks can not hold their smoke, that's what it is...

Allison: I'll do anything sexual and I don't need a million dollars to do it, either.
Claire: You're lying.
Allison: I already have. I've done just about everything there is except a few things that are illegal. I'm a nymphomaniac.
Claire: Lie.
Brian: Are your parents aware of this?
Allison: The only person I told was my shrink.
Andrew: And what did he do when you told him?
Allison: He nailed me.
Claire: Very nice.
Allison: I don't think that from a legal standpoint what he did could be construed as rape since I paid him.
Claire: He's an adult.
Allison: Yeah, and he's married.
Claire: Ugh! Do you have any idea how completely gross that is?
Allison: Well the first few times -
Claire: First few times? You mean you did it more than once?
Allison: Sure.
Claire: Are you crazy?
Brian: Obviously she's crazy if she's screwing a shrink.
Allison: Have you ever done it?
Claire: I don't even have a psychiatrist.
Allison: Have you ever done it with a normal person?
Claire: Didn't we already cover this?
Bender: You didn't answer the question.
Allison: It's kind of a double-edged sword, isn't it?
Claire: A what?
Allison: Well, if you say you haven't you're a prude. If you say you have, you're a slut. Its a trap. You want to but you can't and when you do you wish you didn't, right?
Claire: Wrong.
Allison: Or are you a tease?
Andrew: She's a tease.
Claire: Why don't you just forget it.
Andrew: You're a tease and you know it. All girls are teases.
Bender: She's only a tease if what she does gets you hot.
Claire: I don't do anything.
Allison: That's why you're a tease.

The Breakfast Club: Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it is we did wrong, but we think you're crazy for making us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basketcase, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.