Ask the Brute Man!

Dear Brute Man:

Help! Whenever I venture forth from my home in the sewers underneath a small midwestern town it ends in disaster. People scream, throw rocks, try to run me over with their cars and are mean to me in general. I realize I'm not easy on the eyes, but what's the big hub-bub? I mean, Rosie O'Donnel scares the puss out of my lessions, but I wouldn't hurl any cinderblocks at her fat ass. What's the deal with some folks? Why can't they just scream and run away from me like good little Norms?
- Subteranean Molegirl Singing the Blues

Dear Sub-
Because from the Bavarian Alps to downtown Colorado there remains one constant in the world: most people just can't seem to MIND THEIR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!! They just naturally assume that if you're a lumbering/shambling/creeping/crawling/slithering (or whatever your mode of transport may be) Aberration that you're naturally up to no good. So what do they do? They FUCK with you, that's what they do. They shoot you with silver bullets, stab you with wooden stakes, burn you with torches, zap you with electrodes, freeze you with liquid nitrogen. Then, when you pop their heads like the puss-filled whiteheads they are, society gets pissed at you for fulfilling the preconceived notions it had about you - based purely on appearances - in the first place!

When I catch some Looky Lou gawking at me, you know what I do? I usually smile back at them and say, "Put your eyes back in your head before I pluck them out and bounce them off the sidewalk like superballs." If any of their synapses are firing, they do the wise thing and step OFF. If, however, they're the cerebrally challenged sort (and don't fool yourself- most Norms are) and step TO me... well, let's just say I let my hands do the talking.

Now, your average head-shrink or clergyman would say to turn to turn the other cheek when assailed in such a manner. I'm with that. Only I say, turn the other BUTT cheek and let blast a fart right in their pretty Normal faces. Fuck that Pacifist noise, man. Play pussy, get FUCKED. My advice to you? From your handle I take it you're a burrower, which means you've probably got some pretty boss claws. Well, next time one of those fuckwits hurls and insult or a projectile at you, put them bad boys to good use and dig out their vital organs. You'll be glad you did!