From: Davina Tung 
***transcribed from the "Contractual Obligation" album***

Crocodile


Announcer: Right noow it's time for athletics, and over to Brian Gurbles in
Paris.

Brian Gurbles: Hello!  Well, you join us here in Paris, just a few minutes
before the start of today's big event, the final of the men's being eaten by
a crocodile event.  I'm standing now by the crocodile pit, and--Whoa!
Aaaigh--(Crunching noises)

Announcer: Ah.  Well, I'm afraid we've lost Brian Gurbles, so while they're 
sorting that out we have got a report from Barry Loathsome in Loofborough on
the British preparations for this most important event.

Barry Loathsome: Here at Loofborough, the five young men chosen last week to be
eaten by a crocodile for Britain this summer.  Obviously, the most important
part of the event is the opening 60-yard sprint toward the crocs, and
twenty-two year old Nottingham schoolteacher Gavin Waterlough is rated by
some pundits not only the fastest, but also the tastiest British morsel 
since Barry Gordon got a bronze at Helsinki.  In charge of the team is 
Sergeant Major Harold Dupe.

Sergeant Dupe: Naw, you've not only got to get in that pit first, you've got to
get *eaten* first!  When you land in front of your croc and he opens his
mouth, I want to see you right in there!  Rub your head up against his 
tastebuds--and when those teeth bite into your flesh, use the purchase to
thrust yourself down his throat!

Barry: Dupe's trained every British team since 1928, and it's his blend of 
gymnastic knowhow, reptilian expertise, and culinary skill that's turned 
many an unappetising novice into a crocodilic banquet.

Sergeant: Well, our chefs have been experimenting many years to find a sauce
most likely to tempt a crocodile.  In the past, we've concentrated on a 
fish-based veloute' sauce, but this year we've reverted to a simple
bearnaise.

Barry: The British team are worried because Olympic regulations allow only the 
competitors' heads to be sauced.  Waterlough?

Gavin Waterlough: Yes, well, I mean--h'rm--you know, four years ago everyone
knew the Italians were coating the insides of their legs with bearnaise; the
Russians 'ave been marinating themselves; one of the Germans, Biolet, was
actually caught, er, putting remoulade down 'is shorts!  I think it should
be either unrestricted garnishing, or else a single, Olympic standard 
mayonnaise.

Barry: Gavin, does it ever worry you that you're actually going to be chewed up
by a bloody great crocodile?

Gavin: The only thing that worries me, Jim, is being the first one down that 
gullet.

Barry: Well, the way things are going here at Loofborough, it looks like 
Britain could easily pick up a place in the first seven hundred.  But 
nothing's predictable in this tough, highly competitive world, where today's
champion is tomorrow's crocodile shit.  Back to you in the studio, Norman!










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