The Evil Dead Hanson
vs. The Evil Dead Spice Girls!
A screenplay by Louis Pearlman
Scene 1. Int: Buck’s Rock Clown Shop. Cindy, a Clown CIT and Josh, a
Clown JC are sorting through the various toys and abnormalities of the
Clown Shop preparing it for the upcoming Buck’s Rock summer, which starts
tomorrow. As Cindy rummages around the immense piles of plastic fun, Josh
holds a clipboard with a list. "They Might be Giants" plays in the shop’s
stereo.
Cindy:
Another red nose.
Josh (notes the item on the clipboard):
Throw it into the nose box.
Cindy (throws nose into a cardboard box):
Check! Big rubber boxing glove thingy.
Josh:
Props box.
Cindy:
Check! Mickey mouse glove.
Josh:
Glove box.
Cindy:
Check! Necromicon book.
Josh:
Book shelf… wait a sec. What did you say that book was?
Cindy:
It’s labeled "Necromicon". Ewww. The sleeve of the book is all
slimy.
Josh:
Let me see that!
The book is very large, dusty and appears to be very old. It’s cover
is made of some kind of leather. A screaming face is etched in the cover.
The book has a lock on the side, but it is broken open from years of decay.
Josh opens the book and blows some of the dust away. Images of screaming
souls and dancing skeletons grace the pages of the book.
Josh:
Woah. This doesn’t look like it belongs in the clown shop at all.
Cindy (sarcastic):
Yeah Josh, and that "Maus" graphic novel boxed set sitting next
to "The Muppet Show Book" really does!
Josh:
I guess you’re right. I wonder if Arnold left this here from last
year? Well, we’ll just throw it up onto the shelf. (takes a better look
at the writing in the book) Hey, what language do you think this is Cindy?
Cindy:
Looks like Hebrew to me! I wonder what it says? Guess 3 years of
training for my Bat-Mitzvah wasn’t totally for nothing. (Reads outloud
from the book) Vach, smech, shplendokel…
Scene 2 Ext: The clown rehearsal stage. An electrically charred hand
bursts from the ground.
Scene 3 Int: The clown shop.
Cindy:
Ech, shmeck, beck, heck…
Scene 4 Ext: The forest. Two sets of arms protrude from the earth.
Scene 5 Int: The Clown shop.
Cindy:
Latka, koogle, kenedelach!
Scene 6 Ext: Right outside the clown shop, a disgusting corpse wearing
a white dress bursts from the ground, as does the dead, decomposing of
a very feminine looking boy. They are Zombie versions of Baby Spice and
Taylor Hanson, deceased members of the popular rock groups Hanson and the
Spice Girls. They dust themselves off.
Baby:
What the hell was that?
Taylor:
I don’t know. The last thing I remember was getting shot by some
like, old fogies or something. Like the Monkeys or Jerry and the Pacemakers
or some old Dinosaur band.
Baby:
Suddenly, I think because we’re supposed to be like, dead and all
that, but we’re not, I have the insane need to eat LIVING HUMAN FLESH!!
Taylor:
Me too. I know that we hated each other during our incredibly successful
lives as pop musicians, but now that we’re walking corpses, lets join together
to find us some brains to eat!
Baby:
I’m with you all the way, mate!
The two start running to the Clown shop and…
Scene 7 INT: The Clown Shop: … two arms burst through the barn doors
of the shop. Josh and Cindy scream in terror as the doors are knocked down
and the two Zombie pop stars come running in.
Josh:
Oh my God! It’s Baby Spice and Taylor Hanson!
Baby (to the audience):
Well at least we’re still recognized.
Cindy:
I thought that they died here at Buck’s Rock two summers ago!
Taylor:
We’re back baby, and we’re hungry!
Taylor lunges towards Josh and almost takes a bite out of him when a
rubber boxing glove hits Taylor in the back of the head and knocks it clean
off! The Zombie falls to the ground. Cut to: Cindy with the clown shop’s
trick boxing glove in her hand. Zombie Baby Spice claws at Cindy’s leg
before she lodges the boxing glove firmly in Baby’s head. Baby collapses.
Cindy rips off a strip of her T-shirt and ties the boxing glove to her
hand so that she can get to it easily.
Cindy:
Sweet.
Josh:
What’s happening? How can this happen? They’re dead. They killed
each other. I was a CIT when they came to Buck’s Rock to do a concert and
ended up massacring each other! How can they be back from the dead?
Cindy:
Oh come on Josh! Pop stars make untimely comebacks all the time.
The only difference is that these ones are dead. Now where there’s one
Spice Girl there’s bound to be more. We better warn the rest of the camp!
The two of them run out of the devastated Clown shop.
Scene 8 EXT: Our heroes run to the middle of camp, where they ring the
gong viciously. All the councilors and CIT’s gather around them, including
Mickey and Laura, the head camp honchos.
Josh:
Listen to me everyone! The camp may soon be besieged by flesh eating
Zombie pop music stars!
Cindy:
Listen to him! We were just attacked by Baby Spice and Taylor Hanson,
but they were obviously decomposing! It was horrible!
The entire group bursts into laughter and disperses except for Mickey and
Laura, who look very cross.
Cindy:
No, wait! Come back!
Mickey:
You have some explaining to do.
Cindy:
No! It really happened!
Laura:
Like we’re going to believe a couple of clown councilors.
Mickey:
We’re going to take Jessie Girl for a walk now. Don’t bother the
camp with your stupid jokes anymore. Jessie! Here girl!
The dog does not come.
Mickey:
Where is that dog?
Laura (points to an advancing figure):
Let’s ask that woman coming up the road. Hey you! Have you seen
our dog?
The figure is revealed to be Zombie Isaac Hanson walking up the road
with Jessie’s collar hanging out of his mouth. His lips are smeared with
blood.
Isaac:
Jessie girl was delicious!
Mickey screams and runs away! All of the Zombies pop up in different
places in camp and terrorize the councilors. Nobody is safe from the carnage.
There is panic at Buck’s Rock. Video JC Louie films the action.
Louie:
This will be great for the Memories Video!
Louie gets mauled by all 5 of the Zombies who rip him to shreds. With
his dying breath he says:
Louie:
Destroyed by my own creations. How ironic!
Laura:
Ok. Definitely time to get everyone into the basement of the kitchen!
Scene 9 INT: The kitchen basement. The staff and their families are
crammed into the small corridors. They are stacked on top of each other
creating a claustrophobic atmosphere. The door is boarded up at the top
of the only fight of stairs leading outside.
Laura (yelling):
Everyone! We should be safe in here until we get this problem under
control.
Laura’s walky talkie starts crackling and a message is broadcast.
Walky Talkie:
Help me! I’m in the boy’s cabins’ love shack and surrounded by
Zombies…
Scene 10 INT: The Love Shack. Marc Richter has boarded up the doors
and windows of the Love Shack and is cowering in the corner of the room.
He feebly holds a walky talky in his hands which he is speaking into.
Marc:
And I don’t know how much longer I can hold them off. Send help
please!
A hand bursts through the window. Marc screams like a little child.
Scene 11 EXT: The outside of the love shack. The 3 remaining Spice Girls
and 2 Hanson Brothers have surrounded the shack.
Scary:
Come on Marc. Tonight’s the night where two become one!
Zac:
Everyone feels a little weird sometime, Marc!
Scene 12 INT: Love Shack.
Marc:
If their appetites don’t get me, their constant self-referencing
will. HELP ME!!!!
Scene 13 INT: The basement of the kitchen.
Laura:
What ever shall we do?
Josh:
Give me that radio, I know just who to call!
Josh grabs the radio.
Scene 14 EXT: Outside the love shack. A large, pink helicopter descends
from the sky and out steps pop sensation Britney Spears!
Britney:
Wow, there’s a motherload of pop star Zombies. Wait ‘till I tell
‘N Sync about this!
Britney pulls a baseball bat from out between her ample bosoms.
Britney:
Time to kick some Evil Dead ass!
Briney shows off her martial arts talents in a spectacularly choreographed
fight scene in which she knocks the heads off the evil Zombies!
Briney:
Sionara, Scary! See you ‘round like a record Sporty! Take a hike
Ike! Poo Poo for you Posh! Hit me baby one more time!
Brintney breathes a sigh of relief.
Britney:
Well, that wasn’t too hard.
From behind a bush scrambles the last remaining Zombie, Zac Hanson,
who bites a chunk of Brintey’s shoulder! Britney screams in pain and falls
to the ground. The end seems near for her when suddenly Zac’s head is cut
off with a large blade by: a non-Zombie Ginger Spice! Ginger helps Britney
up.
Britney:
Oh, thank you for saving me.
Ginger:
No problem. I needed to put my fellow band members to rest.
Britney:
But you died two years ago here at Buck’s Rock!
Ginger:
Although Isaac Hanson shot me in the head, it was only a flesh
wound. I crawled away and recovered in a clinic in Sweeden. I’ve been an
ambassador for the UN ever since, deary!
Britney:
Oooo!
Marc exits from the Love Shack.
Marc (to Ginger and Britney):
My heroines!
All the councilors stream out of the dining hall.
Josh:
I’m so glad you came Britney. I was worried you would have something
else to do.
Britney:
I’m never too busy for a member of my Official Fan Club, Josh,
member number 4711!
Britney gives Josh a kiss on the cheek.
Josh:
Gee thanks Britney.
Britney:
Don’t just thank me, thank Ginger Spice, who saved my sorry ass!
Cindy:
Lets hear it for Ginger Spice, the greatest Spice Girl of them
all!
Everyone:
Yaaay Ginger Spice: The greatest Spice Girl ever!
The End
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