Amanda Lockitch and Louis Pearlman
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Vancouver BC V6S 1B8 |
ext. linda’s house - day
LARRY, an attractive fairly stereotypical single gay male with a bouquet of FLOWERS and a BOX walks up the steps to LINDA’s house and rings the bell.
int. linda’s kitchen – short time later
LARRY and LINDA, an attractive fairly stereotypical single white female are sitting and having tea.
larry
So, Linda, when I first tried this new tea, I realized that I just had to come over and share it with you.
linda
It’s delicious. Thanks so much Larry. And we’re in luck, because I just made this Banana cream pie for us to eat with our lovely tea!
larry
Faaaabulous!
We see the full banana cream pie sitting on the table.
int. linda’s kitchen - later
We see the pie has been demolished by Linda and Larry. There is a scrap of pie left in the plate. Larry reaches for it. Linda reaches for it. There is a moment of hesitation. They both stare at each other graciously as Larry reaches for the pie piece. At the last moment, Linda suddenly, with a look of fire in her eyes reaches for the piece of pie, snatches it up and devourers it.
larry
You know, Linda, it’s things like that that prevent you from getting a man.
linda
Larry! The right guy hasn’t come around yet, that’s all. I don’t see you with a man either.
larry
All the good men out there are straight.
linda
All the good men out there are gay! Men suck.
Larry
If you’re lucky… There’s just not enough good men around these days.
linda
They just don’t appreciate all the work that goes into pleasing them.
larry
Oh come on, like any man would date you after seeing this house!
linda
It’s better than the stinky pit you live in.
larry
My bachelor pad is a paragon of good taste! Everything about it meticulously planned!
linda
Tikki Lamps and Marilyn Monroe posters do not a home make, Larry.
larry
The same can be said about doilies and stuffed animals, Linda!
linda
That’s it! I’m a way better companion for any man, whether he be gay or straight or… whatever!
larry
What does a woman even know about pleasing a man? They don’t even have the right equipment. I could make a straight man gay faster than you can say "I’m still single"!
linda
That’s it!
Linda picks up a TEA CUP and throws it on the ground. Magically a HOST appears out of the glass.
host
Who would make a better mate? Is it Linda: A breeder female who spends her Friday nights eating Chinese food and watching old French film noirs, despite the fact she doesn’t speak French! Enjoys buying stuffed animals and dressing them up in inappropriate clothes that she knits for them! Loves spending time with her niece but longs for a child of her own. Wants to travel to Paris and is saving up her pennies! Still dreams about re-uniting with her boyfriend from high school Scott who mysteriously became disinterested in her and aloof after a fun three weeks of dating! Or is it Larry: the flaming homosexual? His clubbing days are behind him but he still yearns for his time lost at his favorite bar, the Pumpjack! He wants to dress up as Diana Ross next Halloween, but is worried about the racial subtext of such an act! Lies about drug use to impress his ultra-hip friends! Didn’t talk to his mother for two weeks after coming out of the closet to her. Had a tearful reunion with her later! Still dreams about the titillating and very gay experiences he had with his high school friend Scott after he mysteriously dumped Linda! Now is the hour of reckoning! Now, finally it shall be decided! And the prize will be:
SCOTT appears in a puff of smoke.
linda and larry
Scott!
linda
I thought you were straight!
Larry
I thought you were gay!
scott
(monotone with a straight face)
I’m bi.
Linda and Larry reach out to touch him. He disappears.
host
Wait! Before you can touch Scott you need to undergo three trials of fire, the winner shall receive Scott’s hand in marriage (or legal equivalent thereof)!
A BOXING MATCH BELL is heard.
host
(cont.)
Round One: From Chaos to Cleanliness! Your task will be to clean this house from top to bottom. You will be awarded points on cleanliness and speed, if you break anything, we’ll add a full minute to your time. Linda, go!
CUT TO:
motage of linda cleaning
Linda speedily and efficiently does the dishes. She mops the floor. She is dusting and accidentally breaks a vase. She looks around to see if anyone is watching, pulls a tube of CRAZY GLUE out of her pocket and glues the vase back together. She gives up dusting.
CUT TO:
montage of larry cleaning
Larry scrubs the bathtub and pulls a large clump of Linda’s hair out of the drain. Larry is cartoonishly nauseous. He throws the clump in the garbage. Larry is separating his whites from his colors and throws the laundry into the machine. Larry opens Linda’s microwave, removes a SPONGE and gingerly places it under the sink and breathes in the lemon fresh scent of cleanliness. Linda and the host walk up to Larry. Linda is completely grimy and disheveled. Larry, on the other hand is still pristine.
larry
Clean? Yes. Germ? No. And my hands feel Palmolive smooth!
host
Linda, your skill with a mop is out of this world, but we saw you break that vase and with that extra minute added to your time, you lose! Larry, you’re the winner!
larry
(looks around for Scott)
Scott’s mine!
host
Not yet! You’ve still got round two to win.
CUT TO:
int. linda’s living room - day
Linda and Larry are now both dressed in formal wear.
host
Welcome to round two: From Gouache to Glamorous! You both know how important your entertaining skills are to a rich and successful husband. Let’s see how you fare running a corporate party!
About a dozen GUESTS appear out of nowhere.
host
(continuing)
This round will be voted on by your party guests themselves. You will be judged on hors d’oeuvres, conversational skill, and of course, dancing! Go go go!
Larry appears with a plate of phallic looking pigs in a blanket surrounded by melon balls. The party guests look alarmed.
larry
Pigs in a blanket? Melon balls?
One of the guests reaches for a blanket. Larry slaps his hand away.
larry
No! You need to take the balls with the blanket!
Linda appears with a tray of cubed spam and cheese with toothpicks.
linda
Nude descending staircase?
One of the guests takes one and eats it.
guest
Mmmm… Cubism, delicious!
host
Let the dancing competition begin!
Linda and Larry put down their trays and run over to the middle of Linda's living room. As they both dance it is clear the Larry is the winner. Linda is left gasping for breath. The audience holds up signs to award points to Linda and Larry. They give Larry a perfect score while Linda gets a dismal one.
host
We will now hear your witty party repartee in the topic of…
The Host pulls a piece of paper out of a hat.
host
German Expressionist film!
cut to:
Larry boring his guests with stilted talk about German Expressionism.
cut to:
A shot of a clock ticking away and then of Linda chugging a bottle of booze.
cut to:
Larry still boring his guests until they are sleeping standing up.
host
Linda, your topic will be: Rosie O'Donell and her amazing work with children!
linda
(pissed drunk)
Rosie who?
cut to:
Linda dancing naked on a table, with a lampshade hat, twirling her bra above her head. All the men at the party are cheering for her, enraptured.
linda
Check out these Rosies!
A boxing bell is heard. All the guests magically disappear. The host has an envelope in his hand.
host
That's the end of round two. In my hand I have an envelope. In the envelope is a piece of paper. "What?", you may ask, "is written on this piece of paper?" The writing on this paper, is the name of one of you: the one who the guests at the party enjoyed more. And the winner is:
The host opens the envelope.
host
Linda! Larry, I'm sorry, your dancing was superb but your banter on German expressionism bored the party guests to tears, an only one tenth of the men at the party enjoyed the melon balls and pigs in a blanket you were offering. Linda! Although you didn't really talk about Rosie O'Donell, the guests loved your "party animal" demeanor!
linda
Scott's mine!
host
No! Not yet! You both have won one round. There needs to be a tie breaker! It's time for the speed round, hands on your buzzers! The category: Kate Weiss' history of women in theater!
Buzzers are already somehow in Linda and Larry's hands.
host
Question 1: What famous character slammed the door that was heard around the world?
Linda Buzzes in.
host
Linda!
linda
Nora, from A Doll's House.
Host
Correct! Next question: what body part did ____ pull one of her reviews out of for a piece of performance art?
Larry buzzes in.
host
Larry!
larry
Her dipsey doodle?
Linda and the host shoot him puzzled looks.
larry
Her Coochy coo?
Again with the puzzled looks.
larry
All right! Her twat, her box, her pussy, her cunt, is it clear enough for you? Her fucking vagina!
host
Correct! Next question: In the acclaimed play Swollen Tongues the statue of what famous figure graces the set?
Larry buzzes in.
host
Larry!
larry
Grace? Grace Jones? Grace Kelly? Err… Princess Grace?
host
Wrong! The use of the word "grace" in the question was not intended to be a clue!
Linda buzzes in.
host
Linda!
linda
The great poet, Sapho?
host
Correct! Our final question: What commercial can the character Ben never watch in the play Lion in the Streets?
Larry buzzes in.
host
Larry!
larry
The Brick!
host
Correct! That is the final question. And it looks like we're tied again.
Linda and Larry gasp.
host
(turns to camera)
Who do you, the audience watching this class presentation think should win our battle royal? Vote now, you! Yes you! You! And you! Kate Weiss! Stop the tape! Stop the tape now! Stop it so the audience can vote and Louie or Amanda can cue up the ending of the film based on your choice of winner!
The film stops.
alternate ending #1
host
And the audience has decided on, Linda!
Scott appears in a puff of smoke.
linda
Let's go Scott, you're mine all mine!
Larry looks disappointed.
host
And they lived happily ever after!
cut to
the kitchen – flashforward day
Linda stands in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant tending to a pot of boiling water.
scott
(OS)
Woman! Where' is my dinner?
The End
alternate ending #2
host
And the audience has decided on, Larry!
larry
Time for celebration, at the Pump Jack!
scott
Whoopee!
host
And they lived happily ever after!
cut to:
int. – flashforward larry and scott's apartment –day
Larry is barefoot and topless ironing Scott's boxer shorts.
scott
(OS)
Larry! Are my boxer shorts ready yet? I can have no wrinkles!
Larry sighs.
The End.