And you thought something in Denmark stank!
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The Giant warned you:
"It is happening again."
Shamlet
Act I Scene I
Strangers in the Night
Bernardo : HALT! Who goes there?
Francisco: It's Francisco in the night air.
Now, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
Bernardo : Nay come watch these videos I made of me on the shelf
Francisco: Bernardo? You'll get yourself in trouble that way
As well as for starting the play with a cliche
Bernardo : It gives me such a feeling of power
You come most carefully upon your hour.
Francisco: What the..? Oh yes I see your point
It's my turn to guard this regal joint
Bernardo : Are Hortiot and Moostiot on guard as well?
Francisco: The winds bloweth not, so I cannot tell
Did you see the King come again tonight?
Bernardo : No, he's got his curtains drawn down tight.
Hortiot : Hail my Friends, how goes the watch?
Bernardo : Pretty slow, I just stand here scratching my cr...
Francisco: LOOK! Over there do you see that thing?
Moostiot : A ghostly image of our recent dead king.
Bernardo : I hope he walks among us as a friend
Ghosts cause my codpiece to stand up on end.
Hortiot : That's much more than I wanted to know
Look, he hails to us, let us follow
Fransisco: What's he doing I say, I don't understand
Why he jumps up and down waving his hand
Hortiot : It's a sign that there is some message to come
The reason is that King Harplet is dumb
Fransisco: Granted making his castle of LEGO was not bright
But that's no reason to make of his reasoning light
Hortiot : That's not what I meant, A ghost can not rhyme
so he's presenting his thoughts in pantomime
Bernardo : Did you see that he just flipped me the bird
Moostiot : No that is the signal for the first word
Hortiot : Pick up and put down,
Fransisco: something in between
Hortiot : Carry,
Moostiot : tote around,
Fransisco: what does it mean?
Hortiot : From what I can gather from his ghostly pose
is that none of our guesses have even come close
Fransisco: There's another signal that I just don't get
Why does he do an imitation of Carol Burnett?
Moostiot : I'm sure that's the signal for a word that does rhyme
And HA! he sure flipped the bird at you that time
Bernardo : I'll get him for that, the lousy prick
He thinks he can get away on his pogo stick
Hortiot : Wait! He's pointing to the coil of metal
Fransisco: the spring
Hortiot : Carry around, doth rhyme with
Fransisco: bring!
Moostiot : Well Done,
Hortiot : the second word
Fransisco: short, rhymes with eye
Hortiot : He points to himself
Moostiot : that must mean MY
Hortiot : Pay attention now here comes the third word
Bernardo : Apparently it's a big dragon turd
Moostiot : What a stupid guess-word you did just sound
I never saw a dragon turd that was round.
Fransisco: Look at him pointing up to the sky
Bernardo : Excuse me a minute while I zip up my fly
Fransisco: SON! That's what he's trying to tell us
Didn't you wish you were as quick as me fellas?
Look at the peace sign he's giving me too
Moostiot : Idiot, it just means the fourth word is TWO
Hortiot : And finally he points to himself you see
King Harplet says BRING-MY-SUN-TWO-ME
Fransisco: BRING-MY-SUN-TWO-ME, I've thought it through twice
What could he possibly do with these mice?
Hortiot : You fool that's not what he wants us to get
We must call long distance and talk to Shamlet!
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act I Scene II
While you were Sleuthing
ClodsRus : The Guards are maintaining their watch for Lord Julius
Who seeks to reclaim lands my brother withdrew for us
But after the Unexpected loss of my brother's life
I've had to assume the Throne and marry his wife
Usually title passes to his first born, yeah
But he's dicking around in South California
Bolognius: That's an excellent summary of the plot my friend
Not like that first scene I thought would not end
Harlet : Thank you my husband for making it brief
And not adding to my suffering and grief
ClodsRus : Young Lariat your father tells me you wish to leave
The Reason for this I can not perceive
Lariat : Yes your grace, I came back to our fine nation
Just to see your quick wedding and coronation
But now it's time I returned to my course
Away from my father's inane metaphors
Bolognius: A boy is sort of like a horse you see
He can run much further if you set him free
ClodsRus : These idiotic similies I just can not take
What numbskull went and cast Doctor Jake?
Harlet : Alas I hear a knock at the door
I believe that we have a visitor
ClodsRus : Who could that be and what's he here for?
Seinfeld comes on in five minutes more.
Harlet : I can not deign to believe my own eyes
It's either my son or a great disguise.
Speak to me how are things in San Fran
You're too late to make up with your old man
Shamlet : I didn't have a case going on at this point
So I figured it was ok to Bogart that joint
How exactly came my father to be dead?
ClodsRus : He slipped in the shower and smashed in his head.
Shamlet : I'm sorry dad and I couldn't clear up our past
But you mum, seem to have gotten over it fast
And now you are married to my uncle for sure
He has moved up to become the Store Manger.
Bolognius: A wedding is like the circus quite a bit
After the elephants march you clean up the shit
ClodsRus : Correct my son it's good to have you back
Why don't you work for me at the Radio Shack?
Shamlet : You have some nerve, you definitely do
To think, like my mother I'd work under you
ClodsRus : I will forgive you for suggesting that thing
If you would show respect by kissing my ring
Shamlet : Don't touch me, I know not where you've been
Why don't you go sit on a dipole and spin
Harlet : Hamlet you drive me right around the bend
Why do you wish my new husband to offend?
Shamlet : It is your OLD husband you offend I thinks
Something in Denmark Most definitely STINKS!
[Enter Hortiot]
Hortiot : Hello Shamlet, you are back I had heard.
Do you have time for a quick little word?
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act I Scene III
Ghost Dad
Shamlet : For taking me away from that weasel my thanks
Now tell me what I can do for you wanks
Hortiot : It is more like what we can do for thee
There is a Ghost Dad we think you should see
Shamlet : Ghost dad, what a horrible movie among flops
Bill Cosby should stick to selling Pudding Pops
Why it's almost as bad as Runaway Train
Hortiot : You misunderstand me, let me explain
Your father has come these nights to visit us
Shamlet : Do I look like I'm new here, fresh off the Bus?
Moostiot : Every word Hortiot says, I swear it is true
And you did just get here off the bus too!
Hortiot : Come stand with us as we stand our guard
The Pay is quite low but the work isn't hard
And usually about a quarter to two
The Ghost of your father comes looking for you
Moostiot : But be on your guard, his mind may be weak
Aside from not being able to speak
He keeps asking for us to bring him some mice
Shamlet : Maybe he can sell them off for a good price
Moostiot : Look he comes Earlier than expected today
Almost as if he wishes to speed up the play
Hortiot : He is pointing to you, he wants you to go
There must be something he wants you to know
Shamlet : My mind feels like it is in some maddening throes
This better not be Denmark's Funniest Home Videos
[Exeunt]
Hortiot : Let us wait here while our Prince has his chat
Just in case his dad turns into a bat
Moostiot : You know I found a dead bat just the other day
In the terra cotta pots at the end of my driveway
Hortiot : Here comes Shamlet heading right this way [Re-Eunt]
Tell us my prince, what did your dad say?
Shamlet : Sometimes what my father says is quite dumb
I think it was "If you build it, he will come"
Mosstiot : Most definitely, these jokes are obscene
What the hell could he possibly mean
Shamlet : Hey, How the hell should I know whatever?
Maybe I should rebuild the Globe Theatre
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act I Scene IV
Nightmare Dad
Bolognius: So you still wish to become an actor my son
Though I can't imagine why you'd want to be one
And why off to France
Lariat : Dad, we've been through this
It's my big chance, they even like Jerry Lewis
Bolognius: But why do you stray so far from home
there are floorboards here that you may roam
Lariat : It's something dear father you can't understand
There aren't any theatres left in this land
Mallet : BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Hammerlet: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Bolognius: Sorry to interrupt your kind yammering
I can't hear a word over that hammering
Where they all came from I surely don't know
It'll be quieter once I shut the window
Lariat : Anyway, what I was trying to say
if we had a theatre, then I would stay
But of course we don't you know
and that is why I have to go
Bolognius: Very well, though you must pay the price
of listening to my friendly advice
While you dance to your beat at school in France
Don't get caught in a back seat without any pants
The city looks alot like a garden you know
You don't see the shit, just the good things that grow
But once you get there, it's there all the same
If you step in it you've only yourself to blame
And though you meet people easy to like
Make sure you remember to lock up your bike
There are people out there who will cause you grief
And you'll be acting out The Bicycle Thief
Now what else would you like to know?
Lariat : Is that it? Now can I go?
Bolognius: Go then, with my blessings in store
and maybe with one metaphor more
A play is a lot like a woman my friend
You always want her to have a nice end
Syphillia: How can he get away with saying such words
The Harrassment officer should cut him in thirds
Bolognius: Now my daughter, what have you to say?
What seems to be rubbing you the wrong way?
Syphillia: I'm tired of all these one night romances
Though I enjoy the attention on Friday night dances
Despite being the only single woman in town
Shamlet still ignores me, I feel let down
He treats me as if I'm some sort of drip
perhaps it's the cold sore on my upper lip
That keeps him from making any sort of mention
that I am able to grab his attention
So help me dear father, to get this man
and marry him to me if you think you can
Bolognius: Romance is sort of like a mystery
And has been all throughout history
You intrigue him if you ignore him my dear
But if that doesn't work, then spit in his beer
He'll be taken in by the surprise
And by your eyes be hypnotized
He won't know just what to think
so you then buy him another drink
And if he won't then, what you want him to do
Then hock up some phlegm and spit in that too
Syphillia: Your insight into men goes far
Now I shall get dressed for the bar.
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act I Scene V
Is she really going out with them?
Mallet : BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Hammerlet: BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
Shamlet : What a racket, What's all this then?
Hortiot : The Globe Theatre rises again
Shamlet : What the hell have you been smoking
When I said that I was only joking
I never thought this thing you would build
Just who the heck is going to be billed?
Hortiot : I was sure you wanted to do this thing
So I've sent all the bills to the King
Shamlet : Oh well that is all right then
It will be ready exactly When?
Hortiot : Another day, we're building it fast
Then we should assemble our hit cast
But I'm tired of hammering nails into sticks
Let's head to the bar and pick up some chicks
Shamlet : That sounds pure delightfully
mayhap there is a girl for me
Hortiot : Syphillia is the girl for you
in fact she's the girl for Moostiot too
Moostiot : She's the girl for everyone I'd say
she's the only girl in town anyway
Bernardo : Except for Shamlet's mother of course
We don't like to mention that thing with the horse
Hortiot : Then off to the bar and without delay,
Moostiot : Say isn't that your father headed this way?
Shamlet : He's tracing the alphabet out for me
A, then B, C, D and E
Moostiot : What's he doing that thing for
He makes it look like there are more
Hortiot : Maybe some fever has got his brain seized
Shamlet : No, it's plural, he means there are E's.
Moostiot : And now he goes to take a whiz
Hortiot : LOOK, a Short word, Let's guess is.
Moostiot : He didn't like that short joke you ass
he's pressing his hams against the glass
Hortiot : They're pressed against the window pane
He means to say E's His pane
Shamlet : Ease His Pain, What the.. Ease who's Pain?
Dimlet : AAARGH I hit my thumb with the hammer again
Shamlet : Wow, his thumb is pulsing still
Caplet : Here feed him this tiny morphine pill
Gimlet : No, try this it (hic) works much quicker
Of course (hic) it's only cheap liquor
Hortiot : The pill seems to have done the trick
He doesn't look quite half as sick
Dimlet : Thank you doctor for helping me.
Caplet : I only play one on TV
Shamlet : An actor? Let us go and have a chat
Caplet : Where?
Shamlet : At the Bar.
Gimlet : I'll drink to that.
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act II Scene I
You there, in the tights.
ClodsRus : That Hamlet boy's in trouble deep
I haven't had a moment's sleep
All that crashing of the hammers
I ought to throw them in the slammers
Oh, what did we do that installation for?
Putting garage openers on the dungeon door
That one was your idea too!
Bolognius: Hey I got a good deal for you
We bought them in bulk for Radio Shack
ClodsRus : And the other 998 we had to send back
What the hell does he think he's building
With all that gold and silver gilding
Bolognius: Perhaps if I go over and have a word
Then I'll tell you of the things I've heard
ClodsRus : Not a bad idea that
Let us go and have a chat
Bolognius: Look the young Prince approaches near
Hide behind this globe and wait here
[Enter Shamlet reading a magazine]
Bolognius: What is the matter you're reading my lord?
Shamlet : My god! You frightened me out of my gourd.
Bolognius: I'm sorry my liege, may your heart be still
Shamlet : You interrupted me checking the babes in Playbill
Pleased to meet you, my name is Sham
Bolognius: Can it be that you don't know who I am?
Shamlet : You must be the fishmonger dressed in those drabs
Yes, your daughter just gave me a case of the crabs
Bolognius: Not my daughter sir, you must be mistaken
She said she'd stay home making some bacon
Shamlet : Then you will forgive me if I start to preach
But please keep your dog on a shorter leash
Bolognius {Aside}:
The young prince's mind has slipped a cog
We don't even own a family dog
What hammering goes on in this stead?
Shamlet : Yes, Old men do quickly tire my head
Bolognius: What are they building these structures for?
Shamlet : I hope another SUBWAY store.
But I must go I have a date
The hour now is growing late
I'm off to buy a bottle complete with cork
and see your daughter about some pork [Exeunt]
[Enter ClodsRus]
Bolognius: The young prince grows most unstable
I fear his mind is no longer able
What madness he dare now proposes
My mind most certainly can't supposes
ClodsRus : I know not what he proposes yet
But I do know how that knowledge to get
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act II Scene II
Spies Like Us
Harlet : So tell me darling if you are aware,
What my son is doing out there
ClodsRus : So the boy is a nutcase and needs a shrink
or is that what he wants me to think
I expected to deal with such arrogance
And have called for help from these Americans
Who will discover what he's trying to do
And offer up some comedy relief too
Roseannebard: He won't even know when we are near
Howurdstern : Except for that smell you give off when you're near
Roseannebard: I meant that our motives we won't give away
Howurdstern : He'll probably think you're looking for the buffet
Roseannebard: Look you annoying pesky little gnat
I oughta sit on you squishing you flat
Is that the only way you can get an audience
by cracking wise and acting dense?
Howurdstern : Oh Rosie! What a good speech you gave
Come whip me now, make me your slave
Roseannebard: Once more carried away we get
Let us save our niceties for Shamlet
ClodsRus : Then go foul friends and act the spy
Find out his motives, bleed him dry
Look in earnest that you may see
Then come report it all to me [Exeunt]
Hortiot : Slap on some paint and we finish our mission
Then we can start with the auditions
How blanched and pale has become your face
Does your father draw nigh again my grace?
Shamlet : Dear God in heaven, can it be that ass
that sat next to me in Grade eleven chemistry class?
Roseannebard: Hey what the hell's with all this banging?
Howurdstern : Good to see you, how're they hanging?
Shamlet : HowurdStern, what a big surprise
Why I can hardly believe my eyes.
Your girlfriend let me greet her
as soon as I finish with the theatre
Howurdstern : Is that what you're doing, I think it's swell
and very convenient to show and tell
You must come and tell me more
Like what you are building it for.
Shamlet : Just a moment we're almost through
Hortiot : [aside]
Good God, that woman stinks P U
Roseannebard: I surely don't know what to think
That Hortiot Boy gives off some stink.
Howurdstern : That Shamlet, can't put on a good show
He has no talent I call him Sham Ono
What he needs now are actors and singers
Roseannebard: Perhaps some unknown acting ringers
Howurdstern : And what play do you think will be your big hit?
And how can we get a private part in it?
Shamlet : I hate to be such a name dropper
But I fancy one by Tom Stoppard
Roseannebard: How about making a double feature
Howurdstern : I know a most hideous creature
We could act out a mad scientist show
Hortiot : I think that was done last year, you know.
Shamlet : STOP! I grow weary of this interrogation
Which you seem to broadcast to the nation
What purpose have you among my friends
Sticking in your nose and your big fat ends
Why did you seek me after such a long absence
I thought perhaps, you were selling life insurance
But then the questions started to flow
And I'm fed lines like a player piano
I see the reason behind your call
And warmest wishes, Of all the GALL!
Why I oughta chop you into firewood
Kidlet : Excuse me sir, a moment if you could
Shamlet : What could this untimely interruption mean
Right in the middle of my big scene
What causes you to interject in my performance of rage?
Kidlet : My pardons but there is a man on your theatre stage
[Cue Spooky Music]
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act II Scene III
I Remember You
MacKeanu : What most excellent place is this?
And where can I go to take a
Pallette : RESIST!
Don't step upon the mainstage I ain't
finished putting on the last coat of paint
MacKeanu : This oily mess cause me to scowl
Can someone there pass me a towel
Shamlet : Hello stranger, a quick how-do-you-do
excuse me while I attend to.....
Now where is Howurdstern, that lousy prick
he sure made his getaway quick
Curse his foul anal retention
well, stranger, you've my full attention
What brings you out this early morn?
MacKeanu : I seem to have made a wrong turn in your corn
Shamlet : Haven't we met afore someplace
Yes there is something familiar about your face
Hortiot : My liege his inflection, dare I say
he's the ghost of Laurence Olivier
Shamlet : How glad my heart is to hear it
Finally we meet a talking spirit
Shamlet : My apologies, let us acquaint anew
My name is Shamlet
MacKeanu : and I am MacKeanu
Shamlet : Well met then, the stage is nearly reasy
We knew you'd want the floorboards steady
MacKeanu : Is your head quite well connected
Mean you to say I've been expected
Shamlet : Of course, your coming has been foretold
MacKeanu : These jokes are REALLY getting old
Hortiot : No joke my friend, you may act anew
We rebuilt this theatre just for you
Shamlet : Whatever you do need we'll make it appear
MacKeanu : Can we get some heat it's freezing in here
Shamlet : The stage manager, I have been told
Is Davelet who likes to keep it cold
MacKeanu : But I can have whatever else I want
Shamlet : Certainly, this is your haunt
I ask but one small favour from you
MacKeanu : What exactly do you want me to do?
Shamlet : Let's keep a very simple little pact
I do merely wish to see you act
MacKeanu : Y'know, I've some friends passing near
Would you mind if I spirit them here?
Shamlet : Bring them over then, later today
Why not put on a whole damn play?
While Pallette makes painting amends
Why don't you go and get your friends.
MacKeanu : Then that is what MacKeanu shall do
And boy do we have something to show you! [Exeunt, already]
MacCheese: Look MacKeanu has now returned
What of the Danish have you learned?
MacKeanu : This Danish Boy's a ding-a-ling
He does not even suspect a thing
Since he does not recognize our face
We can practically trash this place
But first my men of dark ambitions
I've arranged for you to have auditions
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act II Scene IV
All the Globe's A Stage
Shamlet : All right let's start the auditions up
MacKeanu : Just a sec, while I adjust my cup
Shamlet : You've all had a chance to be well rehearsed
step right up, who's going first?
MacKeanu sit beside me and hear them well
And then who is good, please do tell
MacKeanu : This Davelet boy looks pretty funky
Davelet : Hey anybody wanna buy a monkey?
Shamlet : With all these bad jokes I am vexed
Step right up, who is next?
Homerlet : To be or to no.....mmmmmmmm, tuna
Hortiot : Next, bring in the big kahuna
Hamlet : To be or not to be that is
Shamlet : such a cliche
Hit the road! Hortiot, show him the way
Kirklet : TO BE, SPOCK!!! or not TO BE?
Shamlet : Isn't there anyone good to see?
MacKeanu : These next few should be a shoo-in
Friends of mine, your heart they'll win
They're just the thing we need to save us
Listen to them rehash MacDavis
MacDonald: Come gentlemen, it is time we greet
the man we travelled so far to meet
MacBain : Avter veeks of valking now ve do know
It vas only akross town zat ve had to go
MacMayer : The thing that drove me nearly to shoot
is the fact that this castle is on a bus route
MacFudd : My secwetawy tells me dat you aw at waw
MacDonald: Against MacDavis, your help I implore
MacFudd : Aw! Dat's too bad, it would have been gweat
If you could have got wid of dose wabbits I hate
MacBain : Ha,Ha! I tink diz iz almozt too vunny
Zat MacFudd iz sca'd of a cute liddle bunny
MacCheese: Please make no fun of my poor thane's habits
He's had pwobwems of late with these wascawwy wabbits
MacDonald: I seem to wemembew this haiwy tail
Something abowt a most howy gwail
My liege I assure you I don't mean to sermon
But my fwiends and I hunt much larger vermin
Shamlet : I see they've done some acting before
These very lines, I've heard once more
MacKeanu : They're very good, let's sign their skill
What are those two doing here still?
MacBeavis : Heh, Alas poor Yogurt, what a stiff
MacButt : He like, really smells, take a whiff
Beavlet : What do you think of their pluck?
Buttlet : Are you kidding those guys suck
heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh
Beavlet : They talk like really funny they do
Buttlet : and they're funny-looking too
heheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheh
Shamlet : Mr. Ziegfeld this is a take
Jarri : Har elske splake.
(Gotta love the splake!)
MacKeanu : Did you understand his way of talking?
It sounded like a lot of squawking
Jarri : Jeg forstar ikke Dansk!
(I don't understand Danish!)
Moostiot : Look a stranger walks amongst
Hortiot : The king approaches from out of thin air
MacKeanu : What? I don't see him anywhere.
Shamlet : Look, my friend that you may learn
What feverish thoughts make his heart burn
MacKeanu : Heartburn? So toss him a roll of tums
But I see no one, do you my chums?
MacBain : Dese Danes ar stotting to akt reel skerry
By watchink for ghostz und spritze und fairiez
Moostiot : Why does he wave a gameboard so?
Shamlet : It's MONOPOLY, he wants us to GO
He's tossing on the floor all sorts of crud
and slipping on the banana peel with a THUD
Hortiot: Then coils himself like a snake who is pissed
And listen when the rat walked by he HISSED
ClodsRus : What's Hamlet doing with those fellas?
Bolognius: Maybe my daughter Syphillia can tell us
Shamlet : And look he does a crazy dance
As if he has something in his pants
Moostiot : This is a tough one for me I say
I don't know what he's doing today
Bernardo : Look he resorts to the cheap thrill
of checking the babes in this month's playbill
Shamlet : I say, I just got it now, by chance
He wants me to GO-THUD-HISSED-ANTS
Hortiot : Go the Distance, what does it mean
Moostiot : I bet we'll find out in the next scene
Hortiot : Read the playbill to which he hinted
Maybe a message is inside printed
Moostiot : Look at the playbill, words appear instead
of the featured Patti MacDavis spread
Hortiot : Paul M. Dirac Understudy?
Moostiot : He sounds like a coroners buddy
Shamlet : I know the place I'm meant to go
It's not such a good idea though
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act II Scene V
Yeah, but what the Hell is the Answer?
Shamlet : To go or not to go that is the question
with which my mind is currently wrestling
Were I to go boldly my courage definitive
Since to boldy go would split the infinitive
Be it nobler to face the villain and scoff
or cut out and take the rest of the play off
For why should I risk losing my head
Cause it would really suck, being dead
I tell you I'm getting sick of this crap
I could really go for a long winters nap
But in that sleep what schemes may arise
And HowurdStern would shave the brows o'er my eyes
Thus do weasels make guinea pigs of us all
And I hear the mountains beyond Telgte call
So now go I to start my things to pack
For a meeting with the dread Count Dirac
But soft, I hear young Syphillia alight
And I just remembered where I was last night
Syphillia: Good Day my lord, I missed you this morn
Shamlet : I was out chasing ghosts from the corn
Syphillia: Know you not you were somewhere else instead?
I brought the socks you left under my bed
Shamlet : No, Not I; I never gave you aught
Perchance another, lay under your cot?
Trust me to know my own clothes
For I never gave you any of those
Syphillia: My honoured lord, you know right well it was so
Their parfume lost, they now reek of B.O.
Take these again, for to the noble mind
Rich gifts wax poor, when givers kick one's behind
Shamlet : Ha! Are you True? Are you fair?
Syphillia: There's also a shoe and your underwear.
Shamlet : Get thee to a laundry
Don't even stop to ponder me
What a glorious man you've found
who casually leaves his clothes around
I myself may show great common sense
Then Dare an affair in Providence
Look at those over whom you have fawned
You might just as well love scum on a pond
All of us are bounders, we
Off I beg, get thee to a laundry
Syphillia: What a noble mind is o'erthrown
Doomed to live his days alone
More's the pity of this ado
He was such a damned fine kisser too [Exeunt]
Shamlet : Despite my neglect these many months
I confess that I did love her once
But how to ease my aching heart?
OOOH! Chocolet rides here on his cart
Dickie-Dee man ring your bell
What flavour favours do you foretell?
Chocolet : It's not a question of what I've got
Only whether you want it or not
The heat has on my freezer pelted
And all but one flavour has melted
Shamlet : And so I make a silent wish
That it be not the Black Licorice
Chocolet : I'll open her so, your dilemma you'll see
Shamlet : Tutti-Frutti or not Tutti-Frutti?
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Sham Spayed leaves his homeland, and how he hopes to find the man who
killed his Pa is completely beyond me, but it sure beats the snot out
of another repeat, doesn't it?:
Shamlet
Act III Scene I
The Sound of Mucus
The Transvaal Alps stretch across the Northern tip of Romania.
Foreboding crags, wide chasms, yawning crevices and mocking slopes
look down from dizzying heights. Amidst all of this darkness,
below the Central Romanian University, lies a treed quadrangle.
From out of the shadows a young figure springs into the middle
of the open grounds and bursts into song.
Shamlet : The hills are alive with the sound..coff coff hack hack
My god the air is filled with ash, soot and black
The looting rebels have quashed and burned these lands
But through it all that cursed SUBWAY stands
Still, after that flight I am beat
Methinks, I'll get something to eat
[Enters Subway, ding-ding]
Dirac : Stand fast, foul villain I shall not yield
Shamlet : Why are you hiding back of the sneeze shield
Dirac : So here you come to laugh and gloat
Perhaps you deign to slit my throat
What further insult now heads my way
Shamlet : You sound like you're having a rotten day.
Dirac : Look around me, ruin does may strong man weep
And here you found me, stewing of my shattered keep
Shamlet : But why do you stay here in frightful sleep
Dirac : Well property values have gotten quite cheap
Shamlet : Far be it from me to judge your head
But I'd go to Transylconia instead
Dirac : Enough! What brings you to my sorry lands?
Shamlet : This playbill I hold in my hands
It shows what work you once did do
My father wanted me to find you
Dirac : When I was small I dreamed of the stage
But my father told me to act my age
And during one night, I crept away
and lived to act another day
At first I had but nought to do
acting jobs were far and few
But fate smiled on me long ago
How I got the job I do not know
But my career began to grow
And how my heart did love it so
When I was young my career looked rosy
I was as an understudy for Bela Lugosi
But then tragedy sturck our quaint hamlet town
and the iron curtain came crashing down
This acting heart once taugh to feel
was treated to a life of fire and steel
Then my friend left me for the States
But I had not the luggage rates
So I missed that man of a thousand faces
I sat here while he was going places
And so my acting career was finally dead
physics gave me this teaching job instead
And I invited all of you to come and rest
hoping you'd stay within to be my guest
Shamlet : You kept us in a pay toilet dungeon
Dirac : But I invited you to Sunday luncheon
Oh wait, no, I guess I never did
I kept you locked up, I'm so stupid
You see I'm not a heartless guy
But a man who saw his youth fly by
When I learned of your little acting troupe
I longed for the day I flew the coop
I wanted only a chance to with actors be
And that is why I brought you here with me
I see my story has brought a tear to your eye
Shamlet : Actually, cuutting these onions makes me cry
Dirac : Well, since you left, I sit in melancholy
No reason for me to be sad nor jolly
I feel like my narrator has gone away
To return again at some unknown day
Have you ever felt that way before?
Shamlet : I'm getting used to it more and more.
But what if I were to sat to you
There's a place where youthful dreams come true
And we could make a pact and then
People would come to see you act again
Dirac : You speak with such feeling, you really do,
Almost as if your heart speaks true
But I am too far gone, too set in my ways
My dream waits on, for more heavenly days
Shamlet : I'm only giving you this one chance you know
Dirac : Let me change my pants, then we can go [exit Subway]
Shamlet : You know there's bound to be a bit of a delay
Till we return to ground, it's at least a day
Dirac : Not to worry, my newfound friend
We timed it right over the weekend
About what things would you like to chat?
Shamlet : Just a second, did you hear that?
It sounded like a voice just said some "hellos"
Dirac : These mountains never damp out all the echoes
Shamlet : But it sounded like it was coming from downstairs
Dirac : Someone you know?
Shamlet : No.
Dirac : Then who cares?
Shamlet : You're right these echoes fool me
Who the heck could it possibly be
Everyone who came here returned to the coasts
I've been spending too much time with ghosts. [Exeunt]
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act III Scene II
Guess who's coming to Denmark
Fillet : How goes our play Hortiot? Please to mention
For the past fortnight I have not paid attention
Hortiot : Prince Shamlet has been away in the east
to seek out he, whom we speak of the least
What noble heart must beat inside that chest
to perfrom such a dreadful vision quest
The King sits on his throne and churns
Waiting for when the young prince returns
But soft that honking which doth my eardrums stab
couldst be not but the prince returning in a cab
Hurry then that we might greet him
ere the king comes down here to beat him
Shamlet : Hail Good Friends, I am pleased to see
You'll never guess who came home with me
Dirac : My name is Paul, Paul Dirac
I bet you didn't expect me to come back
Cutlet : But I thought that Paul was dead
this must be someone else instead
Dirac : Cranberry Sauce damn it, Cranberry Sauce
How do these rumours get started, I'm at a loss
MacKeanu: Geez, Louise, you must be nuts
Dirac here, doth hate our guts
Shamlet : Not true my friend, that idea do retract
in the end he only comes here to act
A hard childhood befell him you see
A past which almost mirrors me
For all his dreams of hope and glory
were shot down but that's another story
I'd go into it had I more times
But it's another hundred poor rhymes
MacDonald: So by your word we all should go?
He kept us all prisoner you know
Just the sight of this awful villain
Sets my icy heart to chilling
I'd just as soon cut off his head
as sit with him and share my bread
Hortiot : Profane, be the name for all you Scots
We didn't even know if you'd had all your shots
And yet we welcomed you all within
Despite not knowing where you had been
Then when our Prince does a favour the same
You scorn him and paint him with your shame
How dare you speak your thoughts aloud
Profanity does not the Danish proud
I stand with my Prince to the death
and heed him till my dying breath
So when he brings home a lunatic
I cater to his every tic
And Bravely I stand by his decision
Though soon it be the dirt I'm kissing
So to you Paul Dirac I extend my hello
Sham, I wish to be paid up front though
MacDonald: Accept my deepest apologies my friend
My emotions do carry me around the bend
Old wounds run deep and blind me to things
Like the way heavy sleep brings death to kings
Please do now my apologies take
And accept the hand I offer to shake
Dirac : Well met then, My heart goes light
That you wouldst accept me here tonight
MacBain : I don't undahstand wot he'z tryink to say
MacFudd : It awmost sownds wike MacDonawd is gay
MacKeanu : I heard that! And I want to say
That I most emphatically am not gay
MacCheese: A noble thing you have done this day
By resolving your conflict in a cerebral way
And giving a condemned man second life
MacDonald: Hey I forgave MacDavis for killing my wife.
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act III Scene III
Syphillia
Dirac : So are we planning to put on a show soon
Shamlet : I was planning on adding in a show tune
MacBain : Show Toonz! Goody! I Love dem so.
Who vill sing dem?
Shamlet : I don't know
Hortiot : Simon Giblet is the man to see
He sang one just today for me
Shamlet : Which one is he?
Hortiot : There in the Turkey Suit
Shamlet : I don't see...
Hortiot : The Chicks think he's cute
Shamlet : All right young man I'll give you a chance
Make it lively something to which we can dance
Maybe put a little love song in at the end
Giblet : I'll put in something special for your girlfriend
Shamlet : Syphillia's her name, sing it I implore
Giblet : Yes, I seem to have heard of her once before
There's just one more thing, I'll need helf from a peer
Hey Eraser-Head, you coming? get your afro over here
Artlet : Don't call me eraser-head you little trunket
Giblet : Oh stop acting like such a Garfunklet
For five minutes more this arguing stop
And let's take that new song, now from the top
Artlet : Syphillia, you're making me strain
the aches and the pains have me churning
Oh, Syphilla, I can't take a whiz
Everytime I piss, feel it burning
Giblet :Syphillia, you're making me strain
the aches and the pains have me churning
Oh, Syphilla, I can't take a whiz
Everytime I piss, feel it burning
Feel it burn
Artlet : Making Love, and was she a whore
Her bedroom had a revolving door
I got up to wash one time
When I came back to her
I had to stand in line
Giblet :Syphillia, you're making me strain
the aches and the pains have me churning
Oh, Syphilla, I can't take a whiz
Everytime I piss, feel it burning
Feel it burn
Artlet : Vaccination, I'm healthy again
But she's infected the rest of the castle
Vaccination, I'm healthy again
But she's infected the rest of the castle
Shamlet : That song gives me a horrible fright
but it sure sounds like her all right
MacDavis: Oh sure I go away and think everything's fine
And then Shamlet starts stealing my line
MacDonald: MacDavis again, what are you doing near?
MacDavis : I heard you were putting a play on over here
I brought my friend MacSennett
MacSennett: How do you do?
MacDavis : I thought he could lend a helping hand too
Shamlet : Sure, the more the merrier, that's what I say
Though, we seem to be re-acting out the Telgte Play
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Just out of curiosity does anyone remember where we were?
Shamlet
Act III Scene IV
King Julius of Orange
Julius : What's the good word Zepplet, who has come here?
Zepplet : My King, the Pizza boy approacheth near
Julius : Well if he expects a gratuity
He's not going to get one from me
I sent him off to spy, the dunce
And he hasn't written a thing in months
Zepplet : Well met Chiclet, What news if you please?
Chiclet : I gots a nice big salami and cheese.
Zepplet : Not news of the pizza, the Danes what have they planned?
Chiclet : Dey not gonna have a danse dey don't even have a band
Julius : MacDavis and MacSennett, the spies that we sent
Chiclet : Sho I got em in, and they'll stiff em for the rent
Julius : Then my plan to invade comes near to fruition
Zepplet : Do you think they'll outwit the Danes on their mission?
Chiclet : Sho, heck I'ma da smartest guy in da nation
Julius : There's my argument, restrict immigration
Chiclet : There's something I no understand
just what izzit atta you gotta planned?
Hey why a you wanna a do this thing?
Ain't you a happy just being king?
Julius : It's not enough where I go, then my banner is unfurled
I would love to hear my name spoken around the world
And this theatre of the Danes I hear it is all the rage
It doesn't take an ounce of brains to trod upon the stage
And if I've nothing to say I can do backflips and whirls
It breaks the ice at parties and it's great for meeting girls
Can't you see exactly what I've chanced upon?
Chiclet : Sho I can practically feel the song coming on
Julius : [singing]
It happens when I'm in my car and turn on the radio
I know what all the words are but I prefer to change them so
It happens when I go into every store down in the mall
I walk among the stuffed animals and I animate them all
Elephants, koalas, as luck would have it, a hedgehog who berates
A lobster goose and a duck, and a rabbit who sometimes flatulates
A beaver sings, a cow who whines, a dog who nightly barks till 3
they eloquently recite their lines that might be played by me
Maybe as a tot I thought an actor was the thing to be
Or maybe it's something subtle in my personality
But in every show I go to and every film and play I pay to see
I know that deep down in my heart the leading part was made for me
I watched Charlton Heston parting the Red Sea
It would have been better if it was done by me
All the chosen people would still be allowed through
but when the waves consumed the rest they'd get my inlaws too
And as for Clark Gable, well he really was a ham
When he told Miss Scarlett that he didn't give a damn
If he'd taken a rope to her he'd no longer be vexed
Miss Peacock with the candlestick, you can bet that she'd be next
I remember seeing William Holden floating in a pool
And thinking to myself that he was such a fool
He should have driven around a block up to Garbo's place
instead of all those nights looking at Gloria Swanson's face
And I could have played the female lead in Psycho
A similar thing happened to my cousin once you know
Exactly what was she thinking, that girl Janet Leigh
The BATES motel? It didn't even have cable TV
And don't forget that lightweight Rocky the Balbo'
A pretender of that other contender, Marlon Brando
Both of them made one good film the rest of them are drek
But that's still one more good film than the cast of Star Trek
And look at all the films out now who's this Pauly Shore?
He's just as bad as Ernest, I hope there aren't any more
There's hardly any good films left for me to make a mark
And don't even get me started talking about Jurassic Park
So it may never happen that I'm the greatest of my day
so I tip my hat to Chaplain and bow to Laurence Olivier
But someday someone will speak my name and another will say
He did a splendid imitation of Maurice Chevalier
If the nightingale could sing like you
They'd sing much sweeter than they do
Cause you brought a new kind of love to me
Chiclet : Atsa something I no wanna pay to see
Zepplet : You'll be such a hit,
Chiclet : Ima gonna be sick
You waana hit, get me a brick
Zepplet : I thought it was slick, it was such a sensation
Julius : Here's a brick, I always carry one for that imitation
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act III Scene V
Yeah, well my soliloquoy's cooler than your soliloquoy
Shamlet:
Now I am alone with aught another sole around
save for this poor player softly lighted in the background
Oh what a pogue and resentful slave am I
While my uncle reigns and I sit idly by
Oh what a monstrous irony that this actor who I watch
Pours out his soul into his work while I just scratch my crotch
Fire lights in his eyes and boils the tears upon his cheeks.
The tempest rages in his heart giving force to what he speaks
A braver man is he I fear, it shows without a doubt.
Wait a minute, tomatoes? What the hell's he talking about?
Tomatoes? What are they to him Or him to tomatoes?
What the heck is he trying to say I bet nobody knows.
Imagine the inferno that would blaze if he lost someone dear
Oceans of tears would the Earth raze, mountains would shake with fear
That such emotive words could come from such a simple creature
It's almost worth the admission price, perhaps a double feature
Yet I stand here with no words to say that could in my destiny factor
And so in this eponymous play I'm not e'en a best supporting actor
Enough, be done with such thoughts that belittle my power
to right the worng that befell my father in the shower
To think that I have doubted uncle's evil I've been such a dope
What mortal blow could have been avoided had my dad but dropped the soap
Aha! I seem to remember a play I took in my twelfth year
About a king who once was slain with poison in his ear
And when the scene was re-enacted the guilty rose up when he heard
his very crime comitted before him almost word for word
What fortune smiles upon me that the theatre has been built
and I'm surrounded by kilted actors right up to the hilt
They'll perform such a bloody scene to disturb the royals I sit among
In all the due commotion I could get away with rhyming throng
But most important to me, I'll dare to catch a king
and all may go and quote me that "The play's the thing"
Make noise to raise the lights by those in the stage crew
That I may thank this player and give him his...oh MacDavis it's you
MacDavis:
Excuse me Sham, I fear I've been dealing with my emotions, mixed
but since you're here, see someone about getting your lights fixed
Shamlet : There will be time for that, but now there's none to waste
We have a play to put on so bid the others haste
Listen up all of you, gather round me here
after months of waiting the time to act is near
I want you all in costume ready for tomorrow
Becasue that is when we shall put on our royal show
MacFudd : But hey Sham deah awen't any wines for us you know
Shamlet : That's ok , we'll just have to make them up as we go
MacKeanu: Most excellent that after waiting all this time
I finally will get a chance to polish up my rhyme
Shamlet : Well actually, it won't be for you the audience raveth
You see I'm giving the leading roll to our friend MacDavis
MacKeanu: What treason is this dear friend I thought we'd made a pact
Shamlet : Yes, but you see the plain truth is you can't act
And so I've had to change the roles I hope that you don't mind
MacKeanu: Perhaps some minor speaking role, would be much more kind
Shamlet : Well there is one other role the work requires lying on your back
MacKeanu: Syphillia?
Shamlet : Just for that you jerk, the job goes to Dirac!
Dirac : What happy day is this that all my dreams come true
First I get a waitress job and now an actor too!
Shamlet : Hurry my friends, to the palace to pronounce
The opening of our play "A Murder Is Announced"
{Exeunt, hopefully not for two months this time}
MacKeanu: What treachery that my part has been most unseemly cut
Would that my army could slay them all but with what?
Our weapons in the prop room which is boarded up
And I dare not fight unarmed with me without my cup
MacBeav : Heh like heh-heh is it really true
Could you really be our leader MacKeanu?
MacKeanu: What reason does bring my army members hence
MacButt : Like we have some way of providing some means of defence
MacBeav : Yeah like heh-heh we just skipped out of school
MacButt : And we chanced upon something that we thought was really cool
MacKeanu: What can it be? A weapon? To help turn back the odds.
MacButt : Heh, we've got like an entire rack of granite rods
MacKeanu: Rods? Some Clubs? They will do to beat these Danes like Dogs
MacBeav : heh heh and they're really great heh heh for squishing little frogs
MacKeanu: Joyous this, will teach that Sham for playing me the fool
MacButt : So can we hang with you, this is pretty cool
MacKeanu: Proud members of my army, come and show the world your temper
MacButt : Yeah, cool heh heh
MacBeav: Yeah, heh-heh heh-heh he said member
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act IV Scene I
The Show Must Go On
Shamlet: Step this way, tickets please
Our humble play hopes to appease
Come and take the best line of sight
We hope you enjoy opening night
How now dear mother will you hear this piece of work?
There's a chair reserved for you near this other jerk
Bolognius:I certainly hope he was talking to you
ClodsRus: About this play there seems to be much ado
Shamlet: Yes and there's a seat here for you too
R'Bard : S'cuse me please we're coming through
H'Stern: The whole globe, it seems blocked from view
Moostiot: Not to mention the stink in here, p u!
Shamlet: Hortiot may I have a word with you
There is something I need you to do
Hortiot: Yes my liege how can I help
All you have to do is yelp
Shamlet: Hortiot of all men you are fair
Hortiot: Thanks for noticing my legs are bare
They look great since I started using NAIR
Shamlet: I have no wish to look under there
Hortiot: That's ok, no need for you to feel guilt
Though the Scots seem to have something under their kilt
Shamlet: That must wait until after the play
Pay close attention to what I say
The scene the actors will now portray
Comes near the death of my dad that black day
Hortiot: I understand now, what the actions of the play mean
I thought you'd ripped off the psycho shower scene.
Shamlet: Pay strict attention to my uncles face
Mark him if he squirms in his place
MacDavis will play the part to the hilt
To distill from his heart my uncle's guilt
Give him heed and after the play
We will meet and then have a say
And pronounce our judgements on his head
Hortiot: So can I have your good seats instead?
Shamlet: No I must be near to explain
My daft uncle has ne'er a brain
Did I tell you of the time that I had
to explaim him his illustrated Iliad?
Harlet: Here my son, come sit with me
H'Stern: HEY! Down in front! I cannot see!
Bolognius:Look the play, now does it start
The actors must know it by heart
ClodsRus: There are no worsds at all in this scene!
What's going on? What does THAT mean?
Who's the guy in the shower, I can't tell
It's almost like watching Shields and Yarnell
Harlet: Hush, dear my son has worked hard,
Why it's reminiscent of the bard
I'm sure that he will explain to you
Just what the actors are trying to do
Bolognius:HAHA! Where you get ideas for this thing, I'm in disbelief
of that dumb fat friend of the king offering comedy relief
Shamlet: Uncle, note the weasely looking guy in the hat
ClodsRus: Yes, y'know I own one that looks just like that
Shamlet: See how he sneaks up on the king
who innocently does in the shower sing
ClodsRus: Boy this is pretty good I do hope there's more
Though I could swear the plot's been done before
Shamlet: And now he picks up an object blunt
and slays the king who drops with a grunt
He steals the crown the fiend, most foul
He even steals the king's monogrammed towel!
But look the great detective has come to the castle
To sort out the motive and deed of this hassle
Though his investigation may drag on for weeks
He sizes up the crime scene, and so he speaks
Dirac: He did it! He's the killer
Shamlet: Ok, So it needs a bit of filler
ClodsRus: ENOUGH! This play must stop neath my contempt and scorn
I didn't even get my complimentary bucket of popcorn
Ooooooooh this makes me popping mad
You'll regret crossing your dad
Sisklet: So what did you think, the king had pluck!
Eberlet: Are you nuts the whole thing sure did suck
Sisklet: You're just upset that there wasn't any skin
Eberlet: I didn't even want to know where he'd been
Sisklet: Weren't you frozen with fear when the king yelped?
Eberlet: Let me say a car chase would have helped
Sisklet: Well that's a thumbs up from me for Shamlet the Clown
Eberlet: But on his life, The king and I say THUMBS DOWN
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Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act IV Scene II
Lock Mess
MacDonald: Follow me men and let us gather swords and fight
MacCheese: Actually sir the power plant's on the right
MacDonald: Oh yes, come then the danes will be so shocked
when we surprise them.....wait a minute the door is locked
MacKeanu: Well don't just stand there looking foolishly
somebody here must have a skeleton key
MacFudd : Don't wuwwy I'm pwetty good at fiddwing with da wocks
MacBain : Speaking uv vich somevun near us valks
MacKeanu : The King approaches try not to make a scene
we do not wish him our true purpose to glean
[Scots all lean against wall and whistle
Bolognius and ClodsRus enter stage right and proceed to stage left
passing the Scottish army, several of whom pull out sticks and start whittling.
As they pass upstage, the army returns to fiddling with the lock]
ClodsRus: Using that Radio Shack spy mike was a really dumb plan
You must find another way to prove Sham a traitor if you can
Bolognius: I shall to Shamlet now go and send him to his mom
hidden there I shall know what his plans are to come
and when I've figured out just what he is to do
then I shall hie and shout the news straight to you
ClodsRus: My thanks my friend, be wary of everything he say
now go and leave me peace, that I may pray
MacKeanu : Hurry up I hear someone coming down the hall
MacDonald: ok everyone act natural stiff up against the wall
[Scots resume positions and whistle as Bolognius returns past center stage.
They go to resume picking the lock just as Shamlet enters from stage right.
More fidgeting and whistling. Much shushing. MacBeavis and MacButt sit on
the ground and start playing with matches. MacKeanu and Macdonald
are looking up in the sky, trying not to be noticed.]
Bolognius: My prince, I knew that you would come some day
Shamlet : I'm sorry you've mistaken me for a photographer I say
Bolognius: Your mother wishes to have a word with you
Shamlet : A puzzle is it? perhaps bayou will do
Bolognius: How long does it take to get to your mother's room from here
Shamlet : Depends on the amount of wine and the flowers you give the dear
Bolognius: I mean only to visit not to get a date
Shamlet : then it depends on whether your path is straight
Bolognius: I plan on going straight there just as soon as we part
Shamlet : Give up the booze then I suppose that it's a start
[Shamlet notices the scots all looking into the sky.
He looks up wondering what everybody's staring at.
Bolognius also looks up]
Shamlet : Sometimes I think these Scotsmen all have a loose grommet
Trying in the daylight to spot a passing comet
That cloud up there it looks much like a camel
Bolognius: Indeed it does.
Shamlet : Or perhaps it's more like Mark Hamill
Bolognius: How do you make out that with your eyes?
Shamlet : Sure enough you can picture it walk the skies
Bolognius: Yes I suppose that I can see it as you say
[Sham notices ClodsRus knelt in prayer stage left]
Shamlet : No too late, I'm afraid it's run away
Go now on the errand that I've kept you from
Quickly tell my mother I shall come
Ten minutes should suffice if you haven't paused
that'll give you time to check out every closet
[Scots continue whistling, averting their eyes from Shamlet as he passes.
Shamlet continues to stage left and listens as ClodsRus prays.
The Scots start frantically working on the locked door.]
ClodsRus : O my offence is rank it smells to heaven
just like those hot-dogs at the seven-eleven
It has the stain of the eldest primal curse
and then all this rhyming makes my headache worse
I did not think that this deed would bother me at all
nor had I realized the crown was much too small
I thought usurping the throne would surely be a cinch
only to find how badly his headpiece does mine pinch
Good thing that I did not inherit his jock strap
I swear I'd rather have a bad case of the clap
Oh please forgive my soul, I wish I could repent
give up the crown and take the dole, my prayers are heaven sent
Shamlet : Now could I slay him while he talks of his gourd
But D'oh wouldn't you know it I don't have a sword
It would be so easy he'd be dead ere that he could shout
but swords are in the prop room and those Scotsmen hang about
Later then, I'll to my mother and talk about the king
We'll play yet, the King and I, he'll pay for everything
As soon as my mother tells me what the King has planned
I'll ask the Scots to join me, perhaps they'll give me a hand
[MacBain misunderstands, as Shamlet walks by he starts clapping, others join in
Shamlet exits stage right and as the clapping fades, there is a loud
Ka-CHUNK! as the door unlocks]
MacKeanu : I don't believe it, the clapper, I'm in such a shock
that they would use it as the main power plant lock
MacDonald: Inside with us, quickly these weapons all are ours
MacCheese: You call these weapons? They're just rows of steel bars
MacBain : Dese vill vork grate, for heads that I'll be rappin'
MacKeanu : Yeah let's take them out what's the worst that could happen
MacFudd : I don't wike dem they're such a funny gwowing gween
MacDonald: Out of curiosity what does RBMK-1000 mean?
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act IV Scene III
Field of Screams
Bolognius: He will be coming straight to you my dear
I bet he won't even suspect that I am here
Be sure and remember to ask him what his plans might be
and I'm a little heard of hearing so please do speak loudly
I'll just slip behind the curtains in front of the window
and hey what the heck are the scots up to down below?
Harlet : It appears that they have started up a graphite rod collection
much like those we use in the power plant as a safety protection
You don't suppose that those are OUR rods, they've stolen from
your boss
Bolognius: Not at all, I'm sure that they've just bought a Travel Caber-toss
Because you see there's a special lock to keep the plant secure
And no one could just break in, at least I'm pretty sure
Whoops I can hear the prince coming down the hall
Harlet : All right I'm sure that he will soon reveal all
Bolognius: oh, one more thing do you suppose that there is some chance
that you could get your son Shamlet to water Lariat's plants?
You see Lariat envies Sham his thumb of green
quick close the curtains lest I should be seen.
Harlet : Shamlet son, won't you please lie down and take a rest
Bolognius: (aside)
EEW! I forgot about the part with the incest
Shamlet : Mother dear you called for me, what can I do you for?
Bolognius: (aside)
YUCK! I just know this whole thing I'll abhor
Harlet : It seems your father had taken some offense at your prank
My father being dead I'm sure he offends with his rank
Shamlet do not use your tongue in that manner obscene
Oh really, and think about just where YOUR tongue has been
Bolognius: OH ICK ICK! GEEZ! I WISH HE HADN'T SAID THAT!
Shamlet : Aha, I declare that I have smelled out a rat!
[Stabs Curtain, knocking Bolognius out of the window]
Bolognius: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[BELOW]
MacKeanu : Ha armed with these graphite rods nothing will stop us at all
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
MacDonald: Hey look up in the sky where a big fat guy does hence fall
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
MacKeanu : What the heck could you possibly mean by saying that
If someone fell on us then we would all go
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[SPLAT!]
[Bolognius dies....duh!]
[ABOVE]
Shamlet : Nuts! I thought I'd bagged a king
Harlet : Shamlet! How can you say such a thing?
Shamlet : SAY? SAY? SAY?
Harlet : Hush, or we'll be sued by M.J.
Shamlet : Better what I say then what another do
And I hope you realize that I'm speaking of you
You've had him bagged for lo these many months
And me, I just came along and tried to stick it to him once
To marry such a man like him when my father is not yet cold
This is the reason that I stand before you and now scold
Your husband's brother, does it not sicken you a bit?
Harlet : It does sounds kind of gross now that you mention it
But Shamlet we were poor and I had to do what I can
The Danes needed a King and we needed the dental plan
But I shall make amends if the heavens give me the chance
I ask but your forgiveness and could you water Lariats plants?
Shamlet : I shall assume responsibility for his greenery
if you'll assume a virtue and change your bedroom scenery
[Harplet's Ghost comes running in and loops his leg into Shamlet's hand.]
Avoid him like the plague and deign not go near
[Sham throws it down and reacts suddenly when he realizes who it is]
do not bother me with -- ahhhh! what are you doing here?
Harplet : I shall not bother you with such....., why what's the matter?
[Hamlet grabs at Harplet's cloak, Harplet runs off, cutlery spills
onto the floor]
Shamlet : Here he is, the royal silverware now on the floor does clatter
Harlet : Here who is? What fever of the brain have you got
Shamlet : Can it be so that you do see him not?
It is my father the true and rightful King
He must have come here to tell us some important thing
[Harplet starts pointing excitedly outside then runs around honking
an oversized bicycle horn, Queen Harlet is oblivious to all of this.
Harplet extracts a balloon and inflates it, the balloon deflates and
Harplet pulls a "gookie". Shamlet slaps him and he re-inflates the balloon.
Harplet pulls out a pin and as he strikes the balloon, the Power Plant
Emegency Horn starts blaring]
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
[Shamlet races out of the castle and BELOW]
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
MacDavis : That siren is ringing all over the towm
Shamlet : It's the alarm to warn of a core meltdown
Hortiot : Who's the safety inspector on duty today?
Homerlet : Uh-oh! I think he went that way!
[points stage left then runs off in that direction]
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Hortiot : What has happened to cause all the ruckus?
Shamlet : I think these Scotsmen were planning to
[Sham pauses and whispers the end of the line to Hortiot who goes squirrely
and mouths an "EWWWWWW!"]
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Shamlet : Look around at what they've done all these clods
They opened the reactor and stolen graphite rods
MacKeanu is trying to get the reactor to blow
MacDavis : And last year he tried to kill me you know
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Shamlet : But when Bolognius in the window had lost his hold
He fell ten stories and knocked them out cold
MacSennett: I can't believe they didn't get out of the way
Oh indeed this surely marks a black day
for every enemy will point to Scotland and say
we can beat them with a fat guy and a trebuchet
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Hortiot : Nuclear meltdown it has doomed us all
If only there was a specialist we could call
[Shamlet looks back towards the Globe Theatre stage
there is some movement among the players who are all
staring firghtened at the glowing reactor. Finally one
person steps forward from the crowd. It is Count Dirac.
Dirac stands at the foot of the stage, he looks down at
the wooden boards and then jumps off to the ground]
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
Dirac : What have we got here? Perhaps I can lend a hand
This looks the original RBMK One Thousand
Hmm this is dangerous the cores overheating
if it keeps up much longer, we'll all take a beating
Luckily this problem is easy to debug
I'll just yank on this wire and pull out the plug
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE................ [Power Plant dims]
Shamlet : Plug? What the? Of all the foolish eccentricity
What bonehead decided to run the plant with electricity
Howurdstern: Well you gotta waste power to make power I guess
Hey Roseannbard why don't you hike up your dress
Shamlet : Enough with the cracks, we all owe Dirac
our thanks and a special pat on the back
CLAP! CLAP! CLAP CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP CLAP! CLAP! CLAP! CLAP CLAP!
[Sham starts clapping, the rest join in, suddenly the power
station flares back to life and the sirens start off again]
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
[Dirac claps again and it shuts down]
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...............
Dirac : Sorry I forgot about the back-up power supply
We'll have to set up something to have it passed by
[Dirac looks up at the floorboards of the stage. Then turns back to Shamlet
and shakes his head]
Shamlet : I'm sorry i just realized you can't go back
Damned those Scots for their unprovoked attack
I should have expected something like this
Dirac : Don't worry you're not to blame
if I were only a nuclear scientist for five minutes, that would
be a shame
But it's best for us all if I say goodbyes now and go
you boys are professionals and have to put on a show
Thanks for the memories, I'm off to Winnipeg
[Dirac turns to exit]
Shamlet : Hey Count Dirac, [Dirac turns back to face Shamlet]
thanks and hey, Break a leg
[Dirac turns and slowly walks into the sunset.
Everyone turns to watch as he enters the cornfield and disappears]
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act IV Scene IV
Any Sing Goes
ClodsRus : What a day, I'm glad to find that it is almost done
The power plant is back online the Scots are all in prison
I've put in a call to Bolognius' son Lariat
He'll be back for the pall when we bury it
Harlet : What fate will befall my son whom you have bound and chained
Without a fair trial or a chance to hear his deeds explained
ClodsRus : Did you not see the reactor turn several shades of greens
If it had kept up any more we'd be blown to smithereens
Shamlet is being sent to England for his prosecution
along with the usual pre-written sentence of execution
Maidlet : Howurdstern and Roseannbard await your instruction
As you can guess from the sounds of lip to ass suction
Ros'Bard : So what exactly are the plans that you have gone and made
H'Stern : And if we head off to England do you think we can get laid?
ClodsRus : This Royal decree Take with thee with Shamlet by your side
The monarchy in England see and there will Sham be tried
Wish my son all the luck and give a gentle smack
which should serve to adhere this decree to his back
away and godspeed on your journey of such great import
and give the usual phony greetings to the English court
[Exeunt Rose and Howie]
Harlet : What exactly was in that decree of thine
ClodsRus : Oh nothing just a joke, a simple kill me sign
Rose and Howie are being sent along as protection for
the simple fact that I couldn't stand them anymore
I wash my hands of this problem, no longer am I vexed
After all what's the worst thing that could happen next?
[Enter Syphillia singing]
Syphillia : If the nightingale could sing like you
They'd sing much sweeter than they do
ClodsRus : Oh that's right I forgot what poor players are employed
Go and bid my men to have the Globe theatre destroyed
Harlet : I have heard the song she sung once quite long ago
There is another man who sings it sweetly so
I can't remember the name of him at the moment though
Come hear Syphillia dear and tell me what you know
Syphillia : a man a plan a canal he sat upon my couch
i called him sweet but he called he a grouch
first he waxed poetic then he waxed his moustache
He tried to steal my jewels but he settled for my cash
ClodsRus : Good for him, who knows where your jewels have been
Harlet : And wasn't this stranger to our castle seen?
Syphillia : He alit on my windowsill just like a firefly
and stopped for just a moment as he was passing by
He sang a sweet refrain and ended with a sigh
then smacked me in the face with a cocunut cream pie
Harlet : There is something familiar about what she speaks
I fear for the safety of us in the coming weeks
ClodsRus : Oh for pete's sake she's making all this up in her head
Her state of mind is obviously as unmade as her bed
Remember all the gentlemen who you've had in the sack
You may wish to say bye-bye to one whose never coming back
Quickly to the harbour now and say a toddle-doo
and visit with the latest sailors who are passing through
[Follow Syphillia to the docks where Sham's boat is set to leave]
Hortiot : Beware my friend for enemies abound all around
I hope to see you again sound on soild ground
Shamlet : Keep your ear open and record all that you learn
Record my words for history because I shall return
Hortiot : We wait upon that day you take over from this putz
and....oh no here comes Syphillia and she's just plain nuts
What horrid news is this that she is bringing
and oh why did it have to be accompanied with singing?
Syphillia : A prince a prince came riding up upon the lawn
leaving several footy-prints to show where he had gone
And when I went to follow them I did chance upon
A harmony of Lohengrin and a trumpet of swan
H'Stern : It's that nutty girl who's having one of her fits
Hey over here baby and let us see your tits
Shamlet : Hold your tongue you swine, better that I can cut it out
Ros'Bard : Yeah, Shamlet's got a girlfriend you can see without a doubt.
Shamlet : More the fool are you, she means but naught to me
Ros' Bard : Oh is that a fact well then let us just see
Hey Sophie, whose your choice for the lay of the year?
I'll bet a box of doughnuts that he's standing here
But oh too bad we're casting off, any final words?
Cause chances are you won't want to see him afterwards
Syphillia : No matter where you go my prince, your heart please leave it here
so anything that happens since, won't part memory from being near
Ros'Bard : Oh look at that I think we've made her cry
na na na na, na na na na, hey hey goodbye
It's so touching, your disinterest I do not buy
Prove that you don't love her, I'd like to see you try
Syphillia : No matter where you travel upon this golden sphere
As long as I have your love then I need not fear
And know that I'd do anything for you my dear
Shamlet : Is that a fact, then take a long walk off of a short pier
[Boat disappears into the fog, in the background there is a SPLASH!]
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act IV Scene V
Smoke on the Water
Julius : How go our battle plans are we ready to attack
I've noticed some soldiers left and never came back
Zepplet : All the men are gone now we only paid them through November
Cause we figured that the play would be done by then, remember?
The army coffers are empty, we're positively bereft
And of all the soldiers these are all that we have left
Pullet : I'm not chicken, you're the chicken
Poulet : I'm gonna give you such a licking
Julius : My men are all chicken what am I to do
I'm even stuck with this turkey too
Giblet : I am a bock-bock, I am a capon
Julius : Don't look at me, he put the tape on
He'd be out of the army but he works for chicken feed
With that kind of scratch what else does he need?
Oh sure I complain but everyone begs
To keep him on, cause we need the eggs
Julius : Hey just a minute, take a look across
Chiclet : Okay but den my eyes go a all funny boss
Julius : No look over there across the river
Visitors here, why I am all a quiver
Get out the wine the tables and plants
Bring me the girls and leave me to dance
Chiclet : I no-a tink you wanna be dancing with her
Dis one stink pretty bad for sure
Ros'Bard: Hey laughing boy come and give us a hand
H'Stern : We're kind of lost does this look like England?
Julius : Beats the hell out of me and the rest of these chaps
It doesn't look at all like it does on the maps
For one thing it won't fold up nice and flat
and the map is quite small, England's bigger than that
And England won't fit in your glove compartment
Though you wouldn't know it if you'd seen my apartment
So what monkey business do the two of you bring
H'Stern : We carry a gift from the Danish King
Julius : The Danish King? why you don't say
I played checkers with one the other day
Of course the problem was I messed up
By putting Dunkin Donuts in my coffee cup
So what's the gift, no wait let me guess
Is it Jane Russell in a tight fitting dress?
R'Bard : Actually we've brought Prince Shamlet for trial
Julius : Well his legs aren't great, but he has a nice smile
That's too bad even though I didn't get my wish
At least I have something to put on my Christmas list
Well pleased to meet you Shamlet you must be bagged
Under all that burlap and being bound up and gagged
So don't worry you won't have to budge
I'll just stand right here and judge
Now, what shall I judge you? How 'bout Queen of the prom?
Of course I'm casting aspersions on the country you're from
Well I'll come up with something don't you fear.
R'bard : Here your grace he happens to have one right here
[Roseannbard slaps the creed on Sham's back]
Julius : Well that's rather handy, but darn it ...shoot!
I left my glasses in my other suit
Luckily my wife took the suit into the cleaners again
Unfortunately her boyfriend was wearing it just then
So you're going to have to read it out loud for me
Cause without my glasses I'm too blind to see
Actually I guess it's better this way
Justice is blind or so they say
Just as long as we get the crook in the end
Or the neck or the back, what did your king send?
R'Bard : For Shamlet's Crimes, the king doth decree
that you should immediately kill me
Julius : Well who am I to argue with a king
you heard her boys, my sabre bring
So I can cut off a cigar end or two
while you take your swords and run this girl through
[Pullet hands Julius a sabre while Poulet slays R'Bard
Julius cuts off a cigar tip and lights up]
H'Stern : Hey that's not the way it was supposed to go
Julius : Oh you were supposed to read, I didn't know
well before we kill you, how about a final cigarette
H'STERN : NO!
Julius : that's good I'm not finished with my cigar yet.
[Poulet slays H'Stern]
You know I'm sorry we just killed that guy before
I really think I would have enjoyed doing it more
So that just leaves us with one more judgement to make
But he's tied up and gagged so for goodness sake
Don't stab him yet ungag him so that we can see his face
and so we don't get holes in the bag we can use for a sack race
All right Shamlet, let's hear you say
Why we shouldn't knock you off this day
Shamlet : I wouldn't do that if I were you
Julius : No exactly what is it that I would do
Shamlet : If I were you, then you'd be me
and all tied up in knots you'd be
You wouldn't enjoy being in my place
it's kind of small and there's not much space
So you'd say to yourself you should get away
Julius : Well that certainly sounds like something I'd say
I've been trying to get away for weeks
maybe a holiday in some alpine peaks
So why don't you take this boat and get away for a bit
and send me a postcard and tell me if I'm enjoying it
Ok Zepplet, come and untie him and do it at once
Don't thank me you'll get my bill in a few months
I for one have had enough of this debaucle
It's interfering with my daily pinochle
[Sham takes the boat and heads back to Denmark]
Well now enough of that back to the Danes
We should outwit those clowns without brains
Let me tell you they must think that we're pretty dumb
By the way where did that Shamlet guy say he was from?
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act V Scene I
Play of the Day, Get it?
Mootiot : Why do you wait here with the ships?
Hortiot : Hear this news from out my lips
That our prince will soon return
and yet disaster will he learn
For the news has come that they will raize
the globe theatre from before our gaze
MacDavis : Yes we were attracting those alternative lifestyles
MacSennett: But that is bad, what news arouses your smiles
Hortiot : Rose and Howie were executed
Moostiot : I wish I was the one that shooted
MacDavis : But last I heard to England they went
and not a messenger hence was sent
How came you to see it then?
Hortiot : I was just flipping past CNN
Harlet : O Happy this mother's heart may say
My son Shamlet was play of the day
Hortiot : Queen Harlet you suprise us with this visit
Down here at the docks, whatever is it?
Harlet : Lariat comes for his father's adieu
And now there'll be one for Syphillia too
The poor girl she couldn't swim
and heck she wasn't exactly slim
So off the dock she walked heavily gowned
Then she squawed and squawed and finally drowned
And since Sham was sent off he had no chance
to go over to Lariat's to water his plants
This tragic loss will make him quite sad
it was quite an impressive fern he had
Hortiot : Hear you now the sounding of drums
Mootiot : It's either Lariat or Tarzan comes
Lariat : My Queen for this royal welcome thanks
And a quick hello to the rest of you wanks
I came as soon as I heard of my dad
He was a bit of a bore, but he wasn't bad
I've bought the coffin and rented the hearse
I don't think anything could make me feel worse
Harlet : Well as a matter of fact I wouldn't quite be
That you should stop taking your PRO-ZAC yet
Your sister Syphillia has drowned, she killed herself
And there's nothing but brown leaves awilt on your shelf
Lariat : Father and sister and my plants, woe is me
MacDavis : yeah well they say trouble comes in three
[puff of smoke, Three witches run on stage from Stage Right]
Cassandra : Around and round the stage we go
for our obligatory cameo
Tabitha : Brought here by a quick gale that blow
quicker than the bus which is so damned slow
Sabrina : Where go the sisters now? MacDavis know
: to bother Alexandra in the next show
[Witches Exit Stage Left]
Hortiot : Your name those wierd sisters did sound
MacDavis : Yeah I met them once and they follow me around
Lariat : This news doth set my heart aflame
Who for this outrage is to blame?
[ Boat whistle sounds, Shamlet enters Stage Right]
Shamlet : Lariat, you're back! I hope you're pleased
How well things have gone while you're overseas
Let me say how good it is to have you back
And I noticed that you have a full gunny sack
If you have something for me, let me have it then
Hortiot : You really do have the worst timing my friend
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act V Scene II
Business once took me to Elsinore
[Scene: The Graveyard at night, Hortiot and Shamlet lean against a wall.
In the background a shadowed figure can be seen moving up a hill holding
a lantern, the light proceeds uphill throughout the scene until the very
end when the light goes out. I suppose it may look symbolic of death
but it was just intended to be a guy with a lantern. ]
Shamlet : Ow! That's still smarting, man, what a nasty guy
Hortiot : The swelling is starting to go down under your eye
Still you can't really blame him you must confess
Shamlet : His sister was dead? How was I to guess?
Hortiot : She stepped off the docks at your implore
Shamlet : Hey she never did anything I said before
And from her funeral I was kept well out of sight
I have to pay my respects in the middle of the night
Events have brought us to this terrible pall
and I wonder Did I really know her at all?
Hortiot : I'd say just about EVERYBODY knew her my lord
The price wasn't exactly hard to afford
You dwell too much upon her loss
Else lately you've been hitting the sauce
Shamlet : It's been two weeks since we've hit the gin
I was only remarking on what could have been
Who was she really, what did she want from life
What hardships had she faced? what strife?
What about her plans for tomorrow
We lay them to rest under blankets of sorrow
We shall never know what good she might do
Alas poor Syphillia, we never really knew you
Hortiot : The hour is late, we should blow this joint
Don't you think it's time you got to the point?
Shamlet : Yes, you're right Hortiot, this surely stinks
And I've lost sight of my purpose methinks
So it's time I revenged my dear old dad
I didn't realize what powerful hold I had
over everyone, they're so sure of me
and I wonder if I am so worthy
[There is a brief pause here while Shamlet collects his thoughts.
Frank Einstein can be seen at the back of the stage dragging a burlap bag
through the graveyard. He stops halfway and straightens the bag which
we can now see is clearly marked "LAUNDRY" ]
Shamlet : Look over there, see you along the wall
The sunflower does droop and fall
What causes her to hang so low
Such seeds of promise I do not know
Who has filled her up with such hollow dreams
A most cruel trick has been played it seems
How empty those shells hang in her head
I wish I gave something useful in stead
This tiny flower requires but simple care
And I unjustly have with held her share
All she asked from life was but simple respect
And this life I could neither nurture or protect
And how her heart must feel trampelled upon
Now that the sparkle from her eyes has gone
Who built these walls to keep you in the shade
and left you here in the cold ground laid?
Were you treated no better than the girl of the week
Did the gardener not see how you were unique
Did he just stay awhile, then think he was done
and moved right on to the very next one
Could these tears I shed help you to grow then
Is there some way I could bring the sun back again
Will it dawn to me how I should proceed
And allow me to my forgiveness plead
In time I may yet manage to make things just
Or perhaps these things will all turn to dust
If we meet again, lady we shall smile and cry
And if not then let this be our sweet goodbye
So let me swear to the heavens above
That all I do, I do out of love
So now let's go and see whatever shall pass
I'm off to find ClodsRus and to kick his ass
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act V Scene III
The Raving
ClodsRus : Fear not young Lariat, we shall take care of you
And once the destruction of the Globe is through
All the debris taken, we'll start building right away
And you can be the manager of Denmark's newest Subway
Lariat : My liege for your protection, my thanks please take
My art now lies in the sandwiches that I shall make
Shamlet [off-stage] : Open up! Open up! I do implore
ClodsRus : Who's that knocking at my chamber door?
Let us see what thereat is and this mystery explore
Hmmph! Just darkness there and nothing more
Shamlet : Villain! I have come to cast my shadow on your floor
and ensure that you shall reign here for nevermore
Lariat : Not so fast Shamlet, how your name I've cursed
I demand that you deal with my problem first
Because of you I'm short a sister and dad
and I had to skip the audition that I had
To make up for this punishment most cruel
I hereby challenge you to an epee duel
ClodsRus : A most excellent way for us to settle our qualms
(aside) I must admit I was getting sweaty in the palms
The winner shall be the first to score a solid hit
(aside) This ought to get him off of my ass for a bit
Go to the courtyard and spread the news
Choose your weapon's and your number twos
Shamlet : Hortiot my friend, no one else could be number two
Hortiot : I'm honoured my liege to be chosen by you
But I've never handled a sword as of yet
There must be someone better you could get
Shamlet : You're right of course oooh, hey I bet
we could learn a thing or two from Toilet!
He is surely the prince of the sewer-skewer
He looks like yoda and he smells like manure
Let us go now and try to hunt him down
He lives in the swamp on the side of town
We've got almost two hours til I have to duel
Which ought to be long enough to learn this tool [exeunt]
ClodsRus : Fear not Lariat you'll outsmart those whelps
Lariat : Being the best swordsman in the castle helps
ClodsRus : You shall not long over your family grieve
I happen to have a trick or two up my sleeve
Call my valet to have him K-let bring
this master salesman can sell anything
K-Let : My liege when you called I came right away
Who would you like to poison today
ClodsRus : Prince Shamlet has vilely insulted this man
Perhaps there is something to suggest you can?
K-let : Prince Shamlet, we shall need subtlety methinks
Perhpas it would be best to poison his drinks
I'll mix them together at the concession stand
And tell you which one is doped beforehand
ClodsRus : Tell me noe before the poison's employed
which of the beverages I should avoid
K-Let : Listen then, hear it once and remember it still
The vessel with the pestle has the pill that will kill
Don't forget it now whatever you do
The chalice with the palace has the brew that is true
Lariat : Just in case this plan of yours falls through
He won't foil the poison on my epee too
[Meanwhile in the swamps]
Toilet : So you have come to seek the knowledge
That I provide through my mail order college
What wisdom is it that you seek today
Shamlet : I was hoping for a crash course in swordplay
I've accepted a challenge to face Lariat
Who patiently waits to kick my butt
Toilet : You are in luck it so happens I'm a master with swords
I can epee, sabre, foil, rapier and ginsu gourds
Shamlet : Well obviously you're the man for the part
I hope in an hour that I can be that smart
Toilet : An hour? you joke with me I hope you will say
You'll need several lessons only fifty bucks a day
Shamlet : What? Are you kidding cough up fifty bucks
What a rip-off, man that price surely sucks
I don't have time to play around in this muck
I'm better off using my wits and my luck
Toilet : Brave knights used to follow me that I would shape their wills
This might sound shallow, but it didn't exactly pay the bills
So try on your own, but in time you'll come to know
That you won't get far unless you cough up the dough
Shamlet : OK well what can you teach me for a buck twenty three?
Toilet : Float like a butterfly sting like a bee!
Hortiot : Don't worry Shamlet do not dispair
I have fifty bucks I can spare
Toilet : Wise are you, one to help the crown
although they'll say your nose is brown
Let us see what we can teach him in an hour
And what inner force he can wield with power
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act V Scene IV
Duel Indemnity
Bufferlet : Welcome to our theatre so humble
now let's get ready to rumble
Two men duel, your favours to win
let's get seated and then begin
ClodsRus : Here comes Shamlet now, you'll prove him wrong
Lariat : But wait beside Hortiot someone came along
ClodsRus : Who is that pathetic creature?
Lariat : That's my old fencing teacher
We had a falling out years ago
because his hourly rates did blow
How long has he been teaching Sham to fight?
ClodsRus : Could he possibly beat you?
Lariat : I suppose he might
ClodsRus : I didn't even know that guy was in town
I wish I'd known ere I placed my bet down
Lariat : So Toilet you show your head in here once more
Toilet : To watch you turn your tail as before
Lariat : I've had enough of these suffering fools
Let's get on with it, someone read the rules
Judgelet : The challenge is that in twenty passes
you will try to kick each other's asses
But barring that someone gets run through
scoring ten lucky hits will do
unless something awkward is felt
cause there's no hitting below the belt
And no telling the other his laces are loose
unless they are, or you intend to goose
If you drop your weapon, you can relent
but you lose your deposit if the tip is bent
Your second may act as your stand in
Unless you happened to choose Errol Flynn
No foreign objects, including vaseline
no bleeding either, who knows where you've been
You're marked as out if leg before wicket
Shamlet : Geez there are more rules than cricket.
Lariat : Sham is right, this is boring without a doubt
I almost forgot what we're fighting about
Judgelet : Then off to your corners may the best man win
Turn on the stage lights and then we'll begin
ClodsRus : OK everyone stay here, I'll buy the first rounds
and I'll be back before the first bell sounds
[ClodsRus wanders over to the concession stand where K-Let
is mixing drinks. There is a long line up in front of him
so he moves to a shorter line]
ClodsRus (to himself)
: The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true
There was something else I was supposed to get too
Chillet : Over here sir, my line is free
Now then what'll it be?
ClodsRus : There was something, but I can't decide
Do you have something with a Pallas on the side?
Chillet : I think I know the one flagon of which you speak
It's our collector cup series with the Greek of the week
ClodsRus : And what is it that with my memory does wrestle
Do you have anything that comes with a pestle?
Chillet : There's a 3L size that's inscribed with a peso
ClodsRus : That's it?
Chillet : Yep.
ClodsRus : Well ok, if you say so.
Chillet : Is that all sir, it comes to $6.99
Perhaps you'd like some cheese with your wine?
ClodsRus : Four Bucks for some gouda that's way out of range
Here's 10 bucks and give me back my change!
[ClodsRus takes the drinks and returns to his seat]
ClodsRus : All right darling I say, this is going to be fun
I got a big drink for you and a small one for your son
Harlet : Thank you dear, and now sit down here please do
Speclet : Excuse me, could you take off your crown? it obstructs my view
ClodsRus : Come on everybody don't all act the knave
Lets all get up and we can do the wave
[ The Duel begins. Shamlet and Lariat make a couple quick lunges
As they thrust and parry the crowd oohs and ahhs. There is
much clapping during the duel and the lights dim on and off
accordingly. ]
Lariat : You surprise me Shamlet, you have learned well
But you're no match for me you can surely tell
Shamlet : A point there, HA! I got you on the gam!
Lariat : Did not!
Shamlet : Did too!
Hortiot : Judge?
Judgelet : A point for Sham.
Lariat : He never touched me, but never mind my gripe
I can easily settle the score with one swipe [Cuts Shamlet]
Shamlet : Ow! Hey you cut me, I've got blood on my cheek
on the bright side I don't have to shave for a week
ClodRus : Come on everybody, this is always good for a few yucks
Let's all stand up and we'll chant "East Side Sucks!"
[ The bell sounds a time out and there is a loud burst of applause.
Cut to a scene of the dungeon where all the Scots are being held
there is a loud KA-CHUNK as the dungeon door opens and the Scots
after pausing to look at each other, all run out. ]
Hortiot : He's not even coming close, you're doing quite well
Shamlet : Keep an eye on the ref cause someone's beating me all to hell
ClodsRus : Boy it's sure getting warm in here I do think
I imagine the duellers sure could use a drink
[Shamlet pauses at the cup ClodsRus has bought, he drains it in one swig]
Hortiot : Was that wise? Something's up, look how the King does smile
Shamlet : Yeah, he bought me a diet pepsi and it tastes just like bile
K-Let : Your grace I could see you smile from the concession stand
I assume that everything goes in procession as we planned
ClodsRus : The Price has just draught deep of my malice
from the cup I gave him with the bust of Pallas
K-Let : I said Palace not Pallas! He was a greek apothecary
Didn't you see the mortar and pestle he did carry
The Poison is in the three litre bottle with the palace
It shows King Peso with his wife and their maid alice
ClodsRus : But the Queen has the bottle I thought I'd treat her
she doesn't usually quaff down more than a liter
K-Let : I don't belive it! What a bunch of buffoons
Look to the lady can't you see how she swoons!
Harlet : This big ol' bottle in my hands I clutch
I didn't think that I could drink this much
Hey Shammy Boy come over here a sec
let your mother give you a little peck
I found one of your fathers old fencing trophies in the trash
I don't know who threw it out, it's worth quite a bit of cash
Let this white bird be the prize that you seek
My goodness but this wine makes me weak [Collapses, Dies]
K-Let : I was wondering what that was doing in the kitchen
a flood of some blood left a smidgen on the pigeon
ClodsRus : How could such treachery be seen
I tell you that I wiped it clean
Shamlet : What fiend this who'd poison his own wife
Answer for a king, with a king's life
ClodsRus : Quickly K-let ere he can strike me down
Some poison in which my sorrows to drown
K-Let : The grail that is holy
tastes of stuff that is moley
ClodsRus : A toast then let me drink it up
[ClodsRus and K-Let clink glasses and drink]
K-Let : Or did I put the poison in my cu..... [Dies]
ClodsRus : Curse this man's idiocy beneath my rage
I've got to stop hiring at minimum wage
Shamlet : Punishment then, for a life mis-spent [Stabs ClodsRus]
ClodsRus : I can explain, it was an accident [Dies]
[Shamlet staggers after withdrawing his sword, he is beginning to feel dizzy]
Lariat : Such nobility, it does you proud
but you'll notice that my head is not bowed
Honour has not been settled here
and your life is not long I fear
For posion did I on my foil tip lace
and it entered through that cut on your face
So while the poison slows your body down
I lay my claim to the Danish crown
You'd require a miracle to defeat me of course
[Shamlet is looking past Lariat where a light has appeared.
The ghost of King Harplet appears, this time conveniently holding cue-cards
He holds up a card covered with several capital letter U's]
Shamlet : use......
[Harplet switches to the second card. While Lariat advances towards
the trancelike Shamlet]
Shamlet : ....the.......
[Harplet pulls out the last card which has several number fours
written everywhere. Lariat draws back his sword ]
Shamlet : ....four!
[Hortiot hands Sham the four iron out of his golf bag.
Sham knocks Lariat over the head with the golf club killing him instantly.
Harlet slaps his head in disbelief and disappears]
Hortiot : My liege, to your aid I am coming
[Drums are heard in the distance]
Shamlet : Oh man, my head is practically drumming
MacDavis : The distant sounds announce King Julius' arrival
Shamlet : As if I'm not busy enough with my own survival
Hortiot : It can't end this way, say it ain't so
There's still another scene to go
This can't be the way it's supposed to end
Shamlet : Yes, I'm afraid it is my friend
My death approaches, to my rest I must go
The last scene wasn't even in my script you know
My falling voice I give to Julius of Orange
He most certainly....ULLLLKLGHHHHHHHHH [Dies]
Hortiot : We're just never going to find out are we?
MacDavis : Hey, not my fault, don't look at me.
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
Sham Spayed returns to his homeland to find the man who killed his Pa:
Shamlet
Act V Scene V
The King and I
Hortiot : What Chaos has torn our Denmark apart
Today we have lost a pice of our heart
Noble even at the time of his fall
Surely he was a role model for all
Such courage and strength of these he had ample
I hope that others will follow his example
No better man could there be or been since
What will future history will speak of our Prince
Actionlet : He's trying to win the best dead actor award
Lend me a hand to help me fall on my sword [Dies]
Figurelet : Did you see that he ran himself through
Well I think I should get nominated too [Dies]
Halelet : I regret that I have but one life to give [Dies]
Farewellet: Lo, how my head is like a sieve [Dies]
[ All of the Danish forces commit suicide, several go into long
bits of overacting as they die. Julius of Oranges troops
(all five of them) arrive ]
Hortiot : Stop this at once, use your common sense
[ Julius looks down uponm all the fallen soldiers]
Julius : Boy this really is a tough audience
Hortiot : King Julius I plead, all of Denmark is at your mercy
Julius : Well some cross-border shopping trip this turned out to be
Well as long as here you won't mind if I pack
This grail and the pigeon and a few knick knacks
Hortiot : Prince Shamlet has died, and named you to Denmark lead
Address the populace that we may know your great deeds
Julius : Well most of the populace that I see sure look like a mess
But I don't think we can fix that by putting them in a dress
MacDavis : I believe that he wants you to tell us your plans
Julius : And as soon as I think of I'll tell all my fans
Hortiot : But why then did you come here to attack
Julius : Harlet borrowed my lawnmower and I wanted it back
Hortiot : Surely you didn't have to come all of this way
Julius : Well actually there's something I wanted to say
MacDavis : Indeed the trip from England has taken many months
Hortiot : Please tell us what you have to say at once
Julius : Very well, then everybody gather near
There's something I want you all to hear
This theatre that you've built called to me
I knew it was the place I wanted to be
And so I've travelled from a distant shore
to walk the footboards just once more
Such a royal treat it is for me to sing
And how sweet the news is that I bring
[singing:]
Hello, I must be going
I cannot stay
I came to say
I must be going
I'm glad I came
but just the same
I must be going
For my sake you must stay
For if you go away
You'll spoil this party I am throwing
I'll stay a week or two
I'll stay the summer through
But I am telling you
I must be going
[Fanfare, exeunt]
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