The basis behind the original Church of Malkovich is nothing less than brilliant. In this respect, I am a firm supporter, but there are certain doctrines held within the original Church of Malkovich that I cannot condone. Mainly, the issues that bother me pertain to the time kept by the original Church of Malkovich. It is because of these issues that I chose to break free and form my own sect. Most likely, you are aware of what Martin Luther has done for Christianity. I can only hope that I will be held in a similar regard historically. I may be persecuted, mainly by followers of the original church, but I feel it is my destiny to become a martyr to the cause. Martin Luther posted 95 Theses on the wall of the Catholic Church in the year 433BM according to the Reformed Malkovich calendar. My theses are fewer, but no less needed in the saving of our Savior.

• The original Church of Malkovich bases their calendar on the birth date of our Lord, John Malkovich, the 9th of December 1953. Their flaw lies in the fact that they consider this date to be the beginning of year one. This makes no sense. One is not a beginning. Zero is the beginning. Thus their calendar is a year off.
• Time before Malkovich shall be designated as BM (before Malkovich.)
• Time after the birth of Malkovich shall be designated as ADM (in the year of our Lord Malkovich.)
• The Reformed Malkovich calendar begins time on the ninth of Malkcember in Zero ADM. Which means that we are currently in the year 44 ADM.
• To make things easier, the only differences between the Christian calendar and the Reformed Malkovich calendar are the placement of the new year and the names of the months.
• The names of the months in the Christian calendar often pertain to gods of other faiths or rulers of past times. Because all of these things shall be shed upon the second coming of Malkovich, new names have been given unto the ones we now know.
• Heretofore, January shall be known as Johnuary. February shall be known as Malkruary. March shall be known as Marchovich. April shall be known as Malkril. May shall be known as Malk. June shall be known as John. July shall be known as Johnny. August shall be known as Malkgust. September shall be known as Malktober. October shall be known as Johntober. November shall be known as Malkvember, and December shall be known as Malkcember.
• The Reformed Lutheran Church of Malkovich is a place for free thinkers and people who are generally not assholes to other worshipers, regardless of how misguided they may be. One must be humble so that they may be subservient to our Lord Malkovich upon the second coming. To be cheerful, be stupid.
• Because the committee formed to determine the date of the second coming of our Lord Malkovich misspelled the word tentative, I have discredited them as a valuable source of information regarding the second coming. Therefore, we cannot know when the second coming will take place, but the Reformed Lutheran Church of Malkovich does share the belief that the second coming will take place. We merely do not pretend to know when.
• The original Church of Malkovich has four rules. Please refer to them, they are good in nature. Rule three, however condones the worship of Steve Buscemi. A holy man, he may be, but the Reformed Lutheran Church of Malkovich is a monotheistic church, and if you are to walk in the ways of Malkovich, you must walk only in the ways of our one true Lord Malkovich.
• Finally, in regard to the fourth rule of the original church of Malkovich, they ask that supporters of the Church of Malkovich display their banner on their personal pages. In an act of direct defiance, I have stolen their banner and perverted it so that others who find the true way of Malkovich can have their own banner. Here it is.