The Kids in Dallas
What a show!! It was definately worth the price that I paid to get there. First off, let me tell you what I had to do to get to see them. I live in south Florida, but the Kids are not coming to the south east US. The closest they were coming was a toss-up between D.C. and Dallas; neither of which are all that close. So I decided on going to Dallas because I have family there. I paid for three tickets, one for myself and one each for my Aunt Jill and her friend, Deanna. Then I had to pay for the round trip plane ticket. Keep in mind, I'm just 14, so my only source of income is housework. But I managed, and it was worth it.
OK, now I'm going to give you a run-down of the show. MAJOR SPOILER, k? I plan on getting a more detailed description up here later, but I just got back. Please, give me time, people.
I got to the Bronco Bowl with Jill and Deanna. I bought two shirts, one for myself and one for my sister. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that they were confiscating cameras. That meant that I couldn't take any pictures. Also, I never met up with my buddy Mandy, so I didn't get any autographs, either.
So, anyways, we find our seats, which weren't bad at all. We watched a montage of stills and video clips for a bit until Mark's voice came over the PA system. He issued a warning to those seeing the show for the first time, that they might be "freakafide." He urged gentlemen to loosen their ties and ladies to loosen their blouses. Then we sat for a while until Mark's voice came on again. He gave a history of the Kids in the Hall -they were born in a small city known as Canada, their parents did things they would never forget, they ate clubhouse sandwiches and grew up, which brings us to tonight- and then told us that we were ready to meet them.
The theme song (Having an Average Weekend) came on and the audience went insane. The Kids came out on stage... in dresses. After the music stopped, Bruce came out dressed as Kathy, and an A.T. & Love sketch ensued. I can't remember the order of the rest of the sketches, but here's pretty much what happened.
A Buddy Cole monologue started out with Buddy on the ground being beaten by two guys. Two cops came out and broke them up, and Buddy reprimanded them. A stagehand pushed his bar stool out and Buddy sat and began to talk. It was hilarious. I wish I could remember everything that he said.
A cop sketch ran on the screens at the back of the stage, and shortly after the cops ran onto stage. Of course you know, by cops I mean those two police officers from the show played by Bruce and Mark. They did several short sketches in a row, with them dancing around the stage in between them.
They did the "Daddy's Dying" sketch with the famous Dave quote, "Is that pie I smell?". They changed it at one point. Dave puts his hand on Bruce's shoulder and says, "Son, your father's a fine man," and then they lean forward and almost kiss, but they're interrupted by Kevin playing the mother.
Directly after this, Death from the sketch came out on stage and started to talk to the audience. After being angered by the audience because they were daring to "giggle at death" he warned them that if they didn't stop he would (here he throws off his black robe) crush our heads!!! He took his little flashlight and shined it across the audience as we did a funky little version of the wave. When his beam of light hit us we'd jump up, throw our hands in the air, and scream. I pretty much only remember one line from it exactly, other than, "I'm crushing your head." He started acting upset and he said, "Who's doing that? Who keeps doing that? You! Stop doing that! Stop falling in love with me!" Oh yeah, I remember something else now, too. Shortly after we all did the wave, he said, "Wow, from up here it's like mass murder," and he crushed every head in the audience. Then a rival head crusher appeared (Kevin) and they did a battle to the death. Kevin fell to his knees and blocked his head with his hands and pulled the Head Crushers fingers apart. Kevin quickly crushed his head and Mark fell to the floor. Kevin gasped and said something along the lines of, "What have I done? What power do these fingers have?" He knelt down over Mark only to have a hand pop up and crush his head.
Mr. Heavyfoot apeared in the audience trying to find his seat. That's pretty much all he did because Mr. Heavyfoot, as you know, never has any lines. Later he appeared up on the screen climbing the stairs to his seat. He runs into the hooker Maudre and debates getting a blowjob. When he finally decides that he wants one, he turns and finds Maudre already giving one to an employee.
They did the sketch with Fran and Gordon, with Gordon complaining about the salty "voodoo pork." Later in the show, they had their son Brian coming out and falling in love. It was very long, but also very good.
Do you remember the Kids highly controversial skecth "Comfortable" (Old Friends)? Do you think they could actually go on tour without doing this? Well, shame on you. They did this sketch, alright. Not only did they do the sketch: they sexed it up. This includes Scott bending Kevin over at the waist and giving it to him on the table, then sliding down to...you get the idea. Now that's comfortable. They changed the dialogue quite a bit, too.
Chicken Lady Gets a Date. This was almost exactly like the sketch in the show. I don't think they changed a word of it, which is fine with me. ;-)
Gavin managed to make an appearance. He also wished to paint a chair. Remeber that sketch? The only difference was that the guy painting the chair was Scott, not Mark, and Gavin called him "a lying sack of shit." Very nice.
The highlight of the show, for me, was the Pit of Ultimate Darkness. The Kids were smart in putting that in the show. It was so cute!! Simon used the Sleep of Ages on Hecubus. Oh lord, this was so good. Simon and Hecubus assumed their poses, and Simon held his hand above Hecubus' head. He said, "Saba" and reach down to grab Hecubus' right... chest. Then he said "laba" and he grabbed Hecubus' left chest. He poised his hand to grab Hecubus' crotch and stopped. He started and stopped again. Then Simon started to laugh and he laid his head on Hecubus' sholder while he tried to compose himself. After a bit he picked his head up and quickly said "kuti" firmly grabbed Hecubus' crotch. Hecubus jumped, threw his hands up, and held the position. Simon walked a few steps away and said, "Hecubus, can you hear me?" Hecubus, giggling like all get out, said "Y... *giggle*... yes... *giggle*...master." This caused Simon to burst out laughing and he started to walk off the stage. He turned around and came back with his hands over his face, and Hecubus shaking with laughter. They composed themselves, and the rest of the sketch continued as planned.
Bruce did his "Sandwich People" monologue. He only goofed once, and not really enough to notice it. It was hilarious!
If you recall the guy trying to sell the Gimmel 100, you'll know who I'm talking about here. That guy appeared on stage and attempted to sell a better version of Jesus... the Jesus 2000.
The Kids came out to wave to the audience while Having an Average Weekend played. After that they announced that they were going to do one more sketch (For Reg), which ended up going terribly, wonderfully wrong. The five of them sat on stage with another guy. After the audience quieted down, Dave started to talk. Please, keep in mind that I don't remember the direct quotes, sorry. Dave said, "If you knew that it was the last time you'd see someone..." A guy sitting behind me yells, "You'd fuck 'em!" The Kids go quiet as the audience bursts out laughing. Dave keeps his composure and says, "I was thinking... that you'd have said something." Bruce is still laughing and says, "What? I wanna fuck you?" Various references continue throughout the sketch, and I'm pretty sure that each Kid got one in. Then the show was over and all the girls left laughing with tears in their eyes.
All in all, I'd say that this was the coolest experiece ever, and the show was more than worth it. I loved it! Go see it! Go now before you miss your chance!!
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