Everything I need to know I learned from the Kids in the Hall
Taken from the KithLovers mailing list; courtesy of all of the members.
Never grow a beard while on vacation.
That movie you saw last night was Citizen Cane! It was Citizen Cane!
If you ever give a chicken lady a quarter to ride the horse, you'd better stand back.
If you need a fast, cheap meal; try macaroni and cheese with ketchup.
It's a universal truth, that's f'in good ham!
TV rots your brain like crack cocaine.
God is dead, and he was very small.
Dead squirrels apparently make pretty good last-minute toupee replacements.
Beware of the two very depressed guys on the bus...they actually WILL eat worms.
All good paintings must have an element of tragedy, like a brain tumor on a lovers head.
The whores come after the board meeting, not before.
If your next door neighbors steal your gazebo, just let 'em keep it!
There are only a few better names than Darrill.
Yeah, you can borrow my pen, just don't run off with it...
Crushing peoples heads is an ideal way to relive aggression.
Never assume a doctor is talented simply based on charm.
"Slipped my mind" is usually a pretty convincing excuse for forgetting something.
Killing a mouse is a criminal offense.
You don't boil BA's...you bake 'em!
If you lose your car keys, try looking in your navel.
The imagination is a dying animal...office, submarine!
Terriers are the best breed.
Bruce knows a bunch of Daves.
Can't have Cornflakes without a whole lotta milk-a.
Sometimes sexual favors can be exchanged for good laundry service.
Not everything that comes out of Einstein's mouth is the theory of relativity.
Even you could become a "girl drink drunk."
A man with a cabbage for a head is doomed to have bad relationships.
Workers inevitably get replaced by robots, even guys who spend eight hours with their arms in tanks of dead fish.
Daddy drank for the government.
Beware dads with quiet shoes...
You can get anything you want if you threaten to let the monkeys loose.
Apparently someone's opened a pit slightly darker than this one.
Never try to escape an angry car with a high-tech security system.
French secretaries like to burn things.
If you write a sketch, for God's sake don't forget to write an ending!
I don't have enough money to pay for this cab.
If your first four marriages fall through, you might as well marry a lesbian.
Not going nowhere is a double negative, which means you are going somewhere!
Beethoven's 5th Symphony was inspired by Beethoven's 5th Orgasm.
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Here are some more written by another girl on the list.
The queen doesn't know her ABC's anymore.
Decaf coffee causes secretaries to flip out.
World peace is bad for business.
A job is a job, even axe-murdering.
There aren't a lot of women dentists.
Canadians are like Americans, but without the gun.
Not everyone here's the little oompah band in their mind.
Nobody likes you.
You're "better dead than spread."
There are such things as angels, gay angels.
Canadians rule.
Humans are only worth 87 cents.
Uncles aren't the new guy your mother is banging.
People don't want to see atriums on Mondays.
Dave makes an attractive woman.
At first, there was only mayo.
There is no love in the body of a dead elk, only questions.
Dave has a good attitude towards menstruation.
Mark wants to be buried in the sisterhood of women.
Lesbians get a lot done in a day.
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And here are even more from another girl!
Test tube babies have no one to look up to.
Leave only footprints (yes, yes, yes...no, no, no)
Business men don't make good pets.
You don't have to have been in the army to have an army buddy.
Stay down!
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...And a few more...
Even a head crusher can get his fingers broken.
No one understands you.
It's ok to lend a helping hand, even if it's giving a hack saw to an axe-murderer.
Apparently, there is this thing in the sewer, and no one can stop it and the only thing that can slow it down is really expensive perfume. Why? Because it has a metal head!
Everybody has a right to ascertain things.
Cops aren't perfect, even they can lock their keys in their car.
Beware of anything called Por-eef, it could be cat food.
We need to get an exorcist in here, and this time I'm serious.
Never answer a personal ad featuring the words "Chicken Lady."
That old "Hey Roger, what's that on your tie" trick is NOT that funny.
Beware of gods named Spot.
Hey, screw you taxpayer!
No matter how dark your pit is, there can always be someone with a darker one.
They call it "Crazy Glue" because the guy that invinted it didn't patent it and the grief drove him insane.
A demon in the closet is the ideal decorating item for any home.
It is possible to be the master of funk AND evil.
Blame all your problems on your bad childhood and your cabbagehead.
Mosquitoes only live for one day, so if they skip breakfast, I guess they had a bad childhood.
For future reference, anything you find under the fridge is NOT food.
Terriers average 20 pounds.
The man in the towel is a prophet.
Peer pressure doesn't always work when questioning a murder suspect.
Satan has nothing better to do than play guitar with Bobby Terrance, help Evan sell stereos and shoes, and to watch "Golden Girls."
Nie les Feelyat!!
Changing a swastika shaped scar to a happy man dancing will NOT make it better.
Whatever you do, DON'T go to a Leafs game with a guy in a cape.
Line ups are never a problem, when you've got the flying pig!!
Always remember to have some Gleemonex in your house!
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These are the last of them, sent in by yet another girl on the list.
Refusing to pick a card, telling the ending of movies, and lying about sleep are proof of evil.
You can't commit suicide by swalloing a shoelace.
Tarantulas have a strong sense of revenge.
That's it! Thanks, ladies!
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