BACK
1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE. The device is encased in foam to protect it
from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears
into outgoing boxes. PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES
OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE
THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. Ida Mae really
wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of engagement, and
her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the
whole thing inasmuch as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam
in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not
without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our
drift.
WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. If
you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one
single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner
exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
* A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
your spouse and say, "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
why."
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE: The plug on this device represents the
latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group,
which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing
hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances,
developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong is
Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary
new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
Chocolate. DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near
an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp
handkerchief.
WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR
EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.
3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE. WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE
ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE
DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY
MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY
BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery.
Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
Drawing B.
4. WARRANTY: Be it hereby known that this device, together with but
not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied
against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between
now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover
the attractive designer case.
WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.