Manifesto of the Church of Burt Reynolds
Written by: A.L.
Creative Input by: M.E.C.
1997, 1998
I. INTRODUCTION
You may be asking, "what is the point of this manifesto." If your not
you should, because it would be stupid to write a manifesto with no idea of what
the point is. Well, stupid may be too harsh a word, maybe misinformed, or
factually challenged? We will get to the point when we are ready, not that we
don't have one, just that we are not ready to tell you exactly what the point is
in case you choose to steal it. Hey, that's right! Where do you get off trying
to steal our idea. You got some nerve, mister. Have you ever heard of a little
thing called plagiarism. That's right, it's against the law, and another
thing....
**** We have been informed by the "suits" that we should not be accusing you of
illegal activities and we should get to the point, so we will, you filthy son of
a....
****
**** We apologize once again for our actions. It is not your fault you have a
problem obeying the laws. We suggest that you seek help, before we come over
there and beat the living crap out you until you are.... ****
**** The previous writers of this manifesto have been replaced and severely
beaten. This should solve the problem. Thank you for your patients.
****
II. INTRODUCTION...LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN
A need for change has been apparent in the world since the mid 1970's. A
specter of obscurity had placed its clammy hands upon the shoulders of The One.
At that moment an earthquake erupted in the minds and souls of all that loved and
cherished Him. He, however, had yet to feel this great disturbance. He was
unaware. He would soon, however, have to defend all that He held sacred in a
vicious battle that history would later call Carmistos, which translated means
"the loss of inner peace and strength which brings with it pain and grief."
Yeah, it means all of that. Okay, we agree, history doesn't really call it that,
we do, but the reason we call it that is because history has forgotten about Him,
the one we call Burt.
We have found it necessary to get our message to the public through
whatever forms of media will accept our message. Currently no form of
"mainstream media" has found enough spiritual enlightenment to allow our message
to enter their hearts. We have been forced to distribute our message through
unregulated forms of media (i.e.. the internet, word of mouth, carrier pigeon,
etc.) However, since you have found this and are reading it you feel a need for
purpose that society can not provide or maybe you just thought this was the ad
bulletin. Well, either way, you've come to the right place. 1976 Ford Pinto gd.
con. engine r/built $400 call 555-2341 ask for Jim. Baseball Glove, forged Pete
Rose sig. $23 call 123-9875. Toilet seat, slightly used $5 OBO call 555-2455.
Our goal is simple. We intend to convince society through messages, both
subliminal and supraliminal, that it is not only important but very very very
important to accept Him as the true Vondas that will lead us on the path of
morality. Morality, being a subjective term in which morality can also mean the
lack of morals. The subliminal messages we intend to deliver are in place in the
case that those who listen choose to ignore the conscious messages. In other
words we intend to undermined the decisions of our followers, and implant the
ideas that we find will ensure loyalty and submissivness among the lower ranks.
Some nonbelievers and skeptics would call this type of procedure "brain-washing."
Well, that's what we call it too. This proves another point; the nonbelievers
and skeptics agree with us on many points. The logical conclusion is that
nonbelievers and skeptics are saying that we are right. Other points we agree
on: Hitler was bad, Gonzo was way too underrated as a muppet, and people should
not golf in a thunder storm unless that want to get hit by lightning and get
"super powers"....
**** We have reconsidered our stance on the golfing issue and have decided that
super powers are good, but we still are in agreement with the skeptics about
Hitler and Gonzo. ****
III. VONDAS THE BURT
Burt Reynolds is in all actuality Vondas the Burt. The title Vondas is
the name of "the One" that has been passed down from a group of monks. The monks
live in a monastery on one of the peaks of the Ranfordian Hills in the Scoturliea
region of Antarctica that was thought to have been lost centuries ago. The monks
believed that the Vondas will lead the world to glory. Vondas will be born to
this world in the form of a human child again and again until he gets it right.
This human is revealed to the monks through divine means. Vondas the Burt is
613th incarnation of Vondas. We at the Church of Burt follow only Vondas the Burt
because we feel he is the final Vondas. The monks believe that the Vondas will be
reincarnated 2 more times before the last coming of Vondas in which the world
will be changed forever. However, we at the Church of Burt, feel that since
Vitcheros has entered the world, that Burt is the true Vondas. The monks feel
Vitcheros has yet to arrive.
IV. FOLLOWING BURT IN A LONI WORLD
In a time of obvious Lonicentricism, we have been forced into the darkest
parts of the world. We have had to practice our religious activities in secret.
Until lately we have been unknown to the rest of the world. New members were
either recruited or came upon our temple by accident. By recruited we mean we
went out and clubbed someone unconscious and stuffed them in a sack. And when we
say they came upon our temple by accident we mean they were snared in our bear
trap(which explains why many members walk with a limp.) Members were admitted to
the monasticism after a thorough cleansing of the body and soul. The cleansing
involved a garden hose for the body and Lava soap (it gets rid of those nasty
ketchup stains) for the soul. You may be asking yourself, "why did you guys
decide to go public with these sacred practices?" Go ahead, ask yourself, we'll
wait..... Well, after St. Ephesiocrates forgot turn off the apple juicer, the
temple was flooded. Now mind you, everyone likes to have an apple juice pool in
their temple, but when we say apple juice we mean urine. Unfortunately we lost
Brother Zackaphesius in the accident, but found him an hour later asleep at the
foot of Mt. Friezayurbalzoff. Luckily for Brother Zackaphesius the mountain
didn't live up to its name.... this time. The monks were forced out of the
monastery and into a harsh new world. While traveling they chose to spread their
message of love, intolerance, and fanatacism.
After leaving the monastery, the band of temporarily homeless monks
traveled from the Ranfordian Hills to Burt's Mecca, the campus of Florida State.
After being mocked and spit on by the students and faculty, the monks decided
that they should see what other friendly greetings Americans showed to strangely
dress visitors. After setting off across America, they found that the greetings
were pretty much the same everywhere. Except in San Francisco, they had a
different way of greeting them. The monks traveled to Burt's new home in America
in 38 A.B.(Anno Burtomani.) The monks were very proud to see that Burt had found
an occupation (acting) that would allow him into the hearts of the masses. He
was on his way to claiming his rightful place in history as did the previous
Vondases before him. The monks stayed with Burt for quite some time, sleeping on
his couch while the monastery dried and aired out.
Today, however, the monks are in despair. The media, which we all know
is run by Loni Anderson, has spread lies and slandered the name of Vondas the
Burt. Loni has even infiltrated the minds of the public in order to blind them
to fact that Burt is the greatest actor to grace this planet since he was
incarnated as Vondas the John. Vondas the John, was also known as John Wilkes
Boothe. Loni surpassed time and space to besmirch Vondas the John so that by the
time he reincarnated as Vondas the Burt, he would already have to fight public
opinion.
V. TOTALITARIAN UTOPIA
We have come up with a new and incredibly original idea, a totalitarian
utopia or Orwellian society if you will. With such a new and innovative idea,
one would think that this notion would have been thought of or written about a
long time ago, but to our knowledge, no such writings are available, or at least
won't be after our policies are in place. In this society, the citizens would be
ruled and governed by an entity called, Burt Brother. This will be a place of
free expression where all new ideas are embraced. We will also have daily book
burnings in which any writings that conflict with our beliefs will be destroyed.
We had wished that this society could come to fruition by the year 1984, but we
underestimated the influence of the totalitarian system already in power in the
United States.
In this new "paradise," we will live a life of nonviolence, and in order
to accomplish this, a heavily armed militarized government will rule. Anyone who
does not follow this policy, will be handled with a nonviolent form of severe
beating. We will also rid the newly formed "Burtopia" of an obstacle that has
impeded growth and retarded true freedom among citizens of the world since the
dawning of humanity. Yes, finally we have set out to destroy the one thing that
every president, pope, and prime minister has tried to eradicate -- PRIVACY. A
word that brings tears to small children and frightens the elderly. A word that
destroys families and kicks the family dog. In our Burtopia, we will spare every
citizen from having to endure this loneliness and isolation. We will see to it
that no person shall have privacy to corrupt and ruin their lives. We will
always be watching and listening, so everyone has peace of mind that Burt Brother
is there for them.
VI. VIENNA SAUSAGES
That jelly-like stuff on the top of the Vienna sausages is really
disgusting. It's like some kind of ectoplasm or pond slime, except pond slime is
edible. This is a warning to all strict followers of Burt, do not apply a direct
current of electricity to this goo. Anything greater than 10 volts will cause
this substance to change from its inert state back into a living organism. Not
only will this substance, from this point on we will refer it as Roy, come to
life, but it will converse with you in a Cockney accent. It's like having a
slimy shoeshine boy or Michael Caine chatting you ear off, except they are
edible. This would not be so bad if Roy had something intelligent about which to
talk, but most Roys have been in the sausage cans for at least 20 years and have
no knowledge of current events. Roy will go on about his college roommate or
will constantly repeat the phrase, "well, in my day..." We have come upon many
horror stories about such incidents, here is one that he find the most horrific:
I was sitting down with a glass of milk and a can of Vienna
sausages, not suspecting that my life was going to change forever. I
thought that this was going to be a day like any other. I popped the
lid on the can and saw the Roy on top that everyone has come to except as
routine when eating Vienna sausages. I scooped Roy off with my fork and
disposed of it in the waste basket next to my chair. I didn't think
anything of it at that point. What I had forgotten was that I had placed
a car battery with the jumper cables connected in the same waste basket
just two hours earlier. I was half way through my can of sausages when a
loud pop and bright spark came from the waste basket. It was not but two
seconds later that I heard a British accent echoing from the darkness of
the waste basket. Then Roy climbed to the top of the waste basket and
said, "Nice day isn't it, Gov." With those five words, my peaceful
existence was never the same. He would not shut his "mouth" for more
than three seconds. By law, as you all know, Roys are protected
and are considered as part of the family once you reanimate them. There
was nothing I could do but move out. Roy destroyed my family, my wife
and I soon got a divorce, and I lost touch with my children. Roy
saw an opportunity and made his move. He now lives happily in my home,
he married my ex-wife, and adopted my kids. I had no choice but to turn
to the Church of Burt. They helped me put my life back together, and I
now live a life with total devotion to Burt.
You may think that this story is just an isolated incident, but we have
found hundreds of similar situations. We at the Church are always there to help
those who are having troubles with Roys. Even the Vondas himself, has had some
problems with Roys. We are not trying to perpetuate the stereotype that most
Roys are evil, to the contrary, we're saying they're all evil.
VII. DEAD AIR
Broadcasters have seen fit to show Burt's films on selected occasions and
tend to shy away from rerunning his telivision appearances. Instead they embrace
idea to clog the airwaves with such trash as news and music. Burt Reynolds is
not famous for his music career. Also, as we mentioned before, the media has
chosen to ignore the plight of our Vondas. With this in mind, why would anyone
want to listen to Burt-free news? We would like to assure people that this type
of behavior among broadcasters will not continue. We will institute new
regulations which will repair these problems. Our goal is to have Burt given at
least seven hours a week per channel, and three channels that play only Burt
related topics. Radio stations will be required to play the audio from Burt's
movies, but the movie will be thier choice, of course. These may sound like
impossible moves on our part, but our studies have shown that the public has been
asking for this type of legislation for years.
FOOTNOTES
1. [Paragraph 2] By suits, we mean those in charge. We do not mean to imply
that those in charge of the Church tend to wear suits. To the contrary, most of
those in charge of the Church choose to wear pirate costumes most of the day.
2. [Paragraph 3] We DO know that crap does not actually have the ability to
live.
3. [Paragraph 4] The previous writers of the manifesto included two drunks and
a monkey on speed, however, the monkey was not beaten.
4. [Paragraph 6] By "etc.," we mean a hillbilly with a big mouth and, of
course, no teeth.
5. [Paragraph 7] Nonbelievers and skeptics make up 99.9% of the population, but
don't let that get you down.
6. [Paragraph 9] Vitcheros is, of course, Loni.
7. [Paragraph 10] Mt. Friezayurbalzoff was named after its discoveror, Hanz A.
Friezayurbalzoff.
8. [Paragraph 12] Abraham Lincoln was actually assassinated by Lee Harvey
Anderson, the great grandfather of Vitcheros.
9. [Paragraph 13] George Orwell!?!?
10. [Paragraph 15] In the times of Pit the Vondas, Canadian plantation owners
used Roys on their beaver farms. The name Roy came from one of the first to
suggest the utilization of Roys, Professor Roy G. Biv. Prof. Biv is also famous
for his fight for the civil rights of dirt. His famous quote, which is still
true today, "Don't shoot my wife and kids."
The Burt Reynolds Manifesto is property of the Church of Burt.
All rights reserved. Copyright 1998.
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