Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good. Cordelia: What ever's causing the Joan Collins 'tude. Deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner mopet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause soon you're not gonna even have the looser friends you've got now. Willow: Giles burried the bones, and we poured holy water, and we got to wear robes! Xander: If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you. The Annointed One: I hate that girl! Joyce: Is there the slightest chance that if I asked you what was wrong you'd tell me?...'Course not, that'd take the fun out of guessing. Ms.Calendar: Extream. I did Burning Man in Black Rock. Such a great festival. You should have been. They had drum rituals, mogul sculpture, raves, naked mud dances, You would have just....hated it with a firey passion. Angel: Crazy, like a 241 year old getting jealous over a high-school junior? Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky...crazy things. Cordelia: Hello? Can we deal with my pain please? Giles: Did you just say 'date'? Willow: Love makes you do the wacky. Jenny Calendar: Oh, please, call me Jenny. Ms. Calendar's my father. Buffy: And getting kicked out of school is laughs-of-plenty? Cordelia: So can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean if this guy Spike is as mean as you said, it should be over pretty quickly.....We're still all rooting for you on Saturday, I'd be there myself if I didn't have a leg wax. Willow: Wow, two centuries of dating. Even if you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different....Why do they call it a mace? Xander: Okay that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy. Drucilla: I think, sometimes, all my hair will fall out and I'll be bald. Spike: I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in. Principal Snyder: I say, think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.' Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life. Buffy: Good for you. Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet. Xander:: And the exciting part is that they [Twinkies] have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy food feeling in your stomach. Sven:: I thought this exchange student thing would be a great deal. But look what I got stuck with. 'Momento?' 'Punchy fruity drinky?' Is Cordelia even from this country? Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not. Buffy: Oh, I know this one! 'Slaying entails certain sacrifices--blah blah bity blah--I'm so stuffy. Give me a scone. Giles: It's as if you know me. Buffy: I thought you were taking Willow. Xander: Well, yeah, I'm gonna' take Willow, but I'm not gonna' take Willow in the sense of 'take me'. See, with you, we're three, and everybody's safe. Without you, we're two. Buffy: Ahh, and we enter Dateville: romance, flowers. Xander Lips. Buffy: Oh, come on. In all the years you've known Willow, you've never thought about her lips? Xander: Buffy, I love Willow, and she's my best friend, which makes her not the kind of girl who I think about her lips that much. She's the kind of girl that I'm best friends with. Buffy: I wasn't going to use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I? Xander: The important thing is: you believe that. Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after. Buffy: I think you don't know what it's like to be sixteen, and a girl, and The Slayer. Or what it's like to stake vampires when you're having fuzzy feelings towards one. Giles: Just because the paranormal is more normal and less...para of late, that is no excuse for tardiness or letting your guard down. Willow: Why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off. And you, never letting her to anything except work and patrol. And I know she's the chosen one, but you're killing her with the pressure. I mean, she's 16 going on 40. And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever, you don't have time for a cup of coffee? Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta' help Buffy. Xander: So Cor, you printing up business cards with your pager number and hours of operation or just going with a haltertop tonight? Xander: Those frat guys creep me. Willow: You want to protect her? Xander: Mmhm. Willow: And prove you're just as good as those rich snotty guys? Xander: Mmhm. Willow: And maybe catch an orgy? Xander: If it's on early. Angel: I hated the girls back then, especially the noblewomen....They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons. The lot of them. Buffy: Gosh, I'd love to sign up, but I recently developed carpal tunnel syndrome and can tragically no longer hold a flashlight. Giles: Division of self, primarily. Male and female. Light and dark. Ethan: Chunky and creamy. Oh, no, sorry. That's peanut butter. Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire. Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs? Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer. Willow: She couldn't have dressed up like Xena? Xander: Buffy, Lady of Buffdom, Dutchess of Buffonia. I am in awe. I completely renounce spandex. Xander: Okay, on sleazing extra candy, tears are key. Tears will normally get you the double bagger. You can also try the old 'You missed me' routine, but it's risky. Only go there for chocolate. Understood? Okay, troops, let's move out. Principal Snyder: Miss Summers. Just the juvenile delinquent I've been looking for. Halloween must be a big night for you. Tossing eggs, keying, bobbing for apples -- one pathetic cry for help after another. Oz: Who is that girl? Angel: A hundred years, just hanging out, feeling guilty. It really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. Buffy: I moped over you for months, sitting in my room listening to that Divinyls' song, I Touch Myself. Of course I had no idea what it was about. Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone is always picking on Marie Antoinette? I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good. And people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats. We always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and everyone lives happily ever after. Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't want to hear, do you promise not to bite me? Xander: This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends. Geez, doesn't she know any fat guys? Spike: I've known you for 2 minutes and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you living forever. Can I eat him now love? Giles: Alright, I'll put myself in your hands. Jenny Calendar: That sounds like fun. Angel: I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years just waiting for a good fight. Buffy: I'm gonna kill you. Would that blow the whole karma thing? Cordelia: I'm gonna be in therapy til I'm 30. Giles: Do you want me to answer that or should I just glare? Willow: Heyyy! We don't have time for this. Our friends are in trouble. Now, we have to put our heads together and get them out of it. And if you two aren't with me 110%, then get the hell out of my library! Xander: Ohh gang, did you hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia. Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever. Jenny Calendar: Did anyone ever tell you that you're kind of a sexy fuddy duddy. Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this. Buffy Oh. I didn't even notice. Buffy: Okay then, a regular kid and her craddle robbing, creature of the night boyfriend. Cordelia: Oh great. So now I'm your taxi and your punching bag. Giles: I've been, uh, indexing the Watcher diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You'd be amazed at how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Watchers were. Willow: Don't warn the tadpoles. Willow: Goodie, research party. Xande:r Will, you need a life in the worst way. Cordelia: You drag me out of bed for a ride? What am I? Mass transportation? Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind. Kendra: I am Kendra, the vampire slayer. Giles: There are 43 churches in Sunnydale? It seems a little excessive. Willow: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. It makes people pray harder. Xander: I am the bug man, co-co-ca-choo. Kendra: That's me favorite shirt. That's me only shirt! Oz: I mock you with my monkey pants. Druscilla: You've been a very bad daddy. Willie: What are you going to do with him anyways? Spike: I'm thinking...maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know. Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is. Cordelia: Feels like home... if it's the fifties and you're a psycho. Giles: No really, I don't think it went in too deep. Advantages of layers of tweed. Better than kevlar. Jenny Calendar: I'm doing pretty good actually. Stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it. Jenny Calendar: Well, I'm not 'running-around-the-hills-are-alive-with-the-sound-of-music' okay, but I'm coping. Ted: I don't stand for this kind of melarchy in my house. Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future... all I see is you. All I want is you. Cordelia: Hey! I'll have you know that my father brought this bear back from Gstaad years ago. Then all of a sudden, these trendoids everywhere started sporting it, so I'm totally not wearing it. Then I thought, 'Hey! I'm the one who started this nationwide craze. What am I ashamed of?' Giles: They made their reputation by massacreing an entire Mexican village in 1886. Buffy: Friendly little demons. Giles: It was before they became vampires. Willow: Are they getting weirder? You notice the weirdness of them? Xander: You know, the only thing that stresses me is when do we tell them they're adopted? Joyce: Do now, make fun of your mother later. Angel: Yeah, she hasn't been sleeping well, tossing and turning....She told me! 'Cause of her dreams? Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move, do the talking thing. Cordelia: Groping in a broom closet isn't dating. You don't call it a date until the guy spends money. Giles: One thing I've learned in my tenure here on the Hellmouth is that there is no good time to relax. Xander: Clearly the Hellmouth's answer for 'What do you get the Slayer who has everything?'. Oz: See, our band is kind of moving toward this new sound where... we suck, so we practice. Willow: It's when everybody calls everybody else's mom and tells them that they're sleeping at everyone's house. Buffy: Thus, freeing us up for world saveage. Willow: And all night kegers. What?... only Xander gets to make dumb jokes? Angel: As long as there is injustice in the world. As long as scum, like you, is walking... well, rolling the streets. I'll be around. Look over your shoulder, I'll be there. Cordelia: This is great. There's an unkillable demon in town, and Angel's joined his team, the Slayer is a basketcase. I'd say we hit bottom. Willow: Let's get this straight. I don't understand it. I don't want to understand it. You have gross emotional problems. And things are not okay between us....No, that just means that you'd rather be with someone you hate than be with me. Xander: Woah, woah. I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. Jenny Calendar: The curse. If Angel achieved true happiness, even just a moment of... he would lose his soul. Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... you know, I'm not thinking about class cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage. ...To the casual observer it would appear that you're trying to make your friend Xander jealous or even the score or something. And that's on the empty side. See, in my fantasy when I'm kissing you... you're kissing me. It's okay, I can wait. Spike: It's interesting to me that preparing looks a great bit like sitting on your ass. When do we destroy the world already? Druscilla: Everything in my head is singing. Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like- they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want. Giles: Yes, I must admit, I am intrigued. Werewolves, it's one of the classics. I'm sure my books and I are in for a fascinating afternoon. Willow: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh yeah, 1-800-IM-DATING-A-SKANKY-HO. Xander: Oh no, my life's not too complicated. Oz: This cheerleading trophy, it's like it's eyes are following you wherever you go. I like it. Kane: First, they tell me that I can't hunt an elephant for it's ivory. Now, I gotta deal with people for the ethical treatment of werewolves. Willow: But I want Oz to get an A. And oh, one of those gold stars. Willow: I like you. You're nice. And you're funny. And you don't smoke. Well yeah, okay, werewolf. That's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either. Angel: I knew you'd like it. I found it in a quaint little shopgirl. Buffy: I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me, and then a sudden need for cheese. I also remember that you didn't. Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does, just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are, 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I want to do, and I wear what I want to wear, and you know what? I date whoever the hell I want to date. No matter how lame he is." Xander: I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft, and I was hurt, I guess, so I made her put the love whammy on Cordy, but it backfired. And now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey. Which may sound swell on paper, but... Jenny Calendar: Rupert, we need to talk. Hey, Xander. Nice shirt. (rubs his shirt) Look, Rupert, I know that you're angry at me, and I don't blame you, but I am not just gonna go away. (keeps rubbing Xander's arm) I mean, I care far too much about you to... (looks at Xander's arm) Have you been working out? Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to hit you. Angel: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards. Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? That might make an impression. Angel: Lacks...poetry. Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with 'lungs'? Buffy: Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolates. Amy: Bad break-up, huh? Buffy: Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh.' Buffy: You never held out on me until the big bad thing in the dark became my ex-honey. Xander: I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch-and-go there. Angel: Passion, it lies in all of us sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open it's jaws, and howl. Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes, more than we can bare. If we could live without Passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace, but we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuddered and dank. Without Passion we'd truly be dead. Buffy: Willow, I thought I might take in a class. Figured I could use someone who knows where they are. Cordelia: Why doesn't he just slit her throat, or strangle her while she's sleeping, or cut her heart out? What? I'm trying to help. Willow: Oh wait. What if they don't recognize my authority? What if they try to convince me that you always let them leave class early? What if there's a fire drill? What if there's a fire?! Willow: Will I have the power to assign detention, or make 'em run laps?! Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, pussycat, kill, kill.' Jenny Calendar: (looks down at her desk) Rupert... I was raised by the people that Angel hurt the most. (looks up at Giles) My duty to them was the first thing I was ever taught. I didn't come here to hurt anyone, (looks away) a-and I lied to you because I thought it was the right thing to do. I... I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know I was gonna fall in love with you. Spike: If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new improved one is not playing with a full sack. Willow: Well, it went fine until Angel showed up and told Buffy's mom that he and Buffy had--well, you know, that...they had...you know...you do know, right? Giles: Oh, yes, sorry. Willow: Oh good, 'cause I just realized that being a librarian and all, you maybe didn't know. Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks. Xander: You know, I think there may be a valuable lesson for you gals here about inviting strange men into your bedrooms. Xander: Yeah, the more people who know the secret, the more it cheapens it for the rest of us! Xander: Hey, Buffy. We're all here. Buffy: Hey...here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home? Dr. Wilkinson: "No, Buffy, you need to lie down, honey. Buffy: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's not my bed. Dr. Wilkinson: "She's still a little out of it. Buffy: Shh! Hospital zone, no singing. |