Adam: You failed me. Spike: Let's not quibble about who failed who. Angel: I can walk like a man but I'm not one. Angel: You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell. Buffy: No... Angel: I'm wondering, where do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration? Anya: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species, and I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them. Xander: Then why are you talking to me? Anya: [sigh] I don't have a date for the prom. Xander: Well, gosh, I wonder why not? It couldn't possibly have anything to do with your sales pitch. Anya: Men are evil. Will you go with me? Anya: You know this isn't your world, right? I mean, you know you don't belong here. Willow: No. This is a dumb world. On my world, there are people in chains, and we can ride them like ponies. Anya: Xander, you haven't been paying any attention to me tonight. Just peddling those processed food bricks. I don't know why. Xander: Well, let me put it in a way you'll understand. Sell bars, make money. Take Anya nice places, buy pretty things. Anya: That does make sense. Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer. Bartender: ID. Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer! Bartender: ID. Anya: [sigh] Gimme a Coke. Anya: Crap. Look at this... Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children and more cash than I can reasonably manage. Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace. Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell? Anya: I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you...any your lips. Willow: No it was not! Well, yes it was so, but that was a long time ago. Do you really think I'd do that again? Anya: Well, why not? Willow: Hello? Gay now! Anya: You're going to die if you stay here. Xander: I guess I might. Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit. Buffy: What do you want? Angel: The same thing you do. Buffy: Okay. What do I want? Angel: To kill 'em. To kill 'em all. Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect. But, you do get this watch and a year's supply of turtle wax. What I want is to be left alone. Buffy: Hey, I know! Why don't you kill them? Giles: I'm a Watcher, I haven't the skill. Buffy: Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log. Buffy: I didn't say that I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it. Buffy: Oh, I know this one! "Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah bliddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone." Buffy: Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way. Darla: That's fine with me. Buffy: Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content. Buffy: You read my diary? That is not OK. A diary is like a person's most private possession. You don't even know what I was writing about. Hunk can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when I said his eyes were penetrating, I meant bulging. ... 'A' doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It stand for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student. And that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all... Angel: Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear. Buffy: Oh. Buffy: Are you crazy? You just don't sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp, or... yodel. Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say undead American? Buffy: Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class. Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing. Buffy: Oh, no... I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right? Buffy: Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit because that's how stupid I feel like saying this. Buffy: See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn things. Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth. Buffy: Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood. Xander: That actually kinda turns me on. Buffy: I fear you. Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Buffy: I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day. Xander: Yeah, Buffy died and everything. Willow: Wow, harsh. Buffy: Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died? Willow: Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked. Buffy: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic. Buffy: I lost a friend tonight and I may lose more! The whole world may be sucked into hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho?! Let me take this opportunity to NOT care! Buffy: Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is if the old slayer dies. Joyce: Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died. Buffy: It was just for a few minutes. Buffy: Do---do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again. Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good. Buffy: [To Cordelia] Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron. Buffy: When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it. Buffy: How long do you think that he can stay angry at me anyway? Willow: The emotional marathon man? Buffy: You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin." I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy, and the loud music us kids listen to nowadays. Oh, I just suck at undercover. Buffy: Do you really love Xander? Cordelia: Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet. Buffy: Maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles. Faith: I've seen him. If I would have known they came that young and cute, I would have requested a transfer. Buffy: Raise your hand if eww. Buffy: I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh." Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse. Buffy: When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie. Buffy: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math! Buffy: I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it. Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody want to make a girl? Xander: You mean when there's so many premade ones just laying around? Buffy: People to see, demons to kill. Buffy: [Buffy reads her mom's thoughts] You had sex with Giles? You had SEX with Giles? Joyce: It was the candy, we were teenagers. Buffy: On the top of a police car? Joyce: I'll be downstairs. Buffy: TWICE? Buffy: It's just... different, you know? A picnic! First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part -- he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at. Buffy: I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer. Slay-er. Chosen One. She-who-hangs-out-a-lot-in-cemeteries? You're kidding. Ask around. Look it up: "Slayer, comma, the." Cordelia: Excuse me. Who gave you permission to exist? Cordelia: Great, now I'm gonna be stuck with serious thoughts all day. Cordelia: You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you? Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous? Cordelia: So does looking at guns make you wanna have sex? Xander: I'm 17. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex. Cordelia: I'm awash in a sea of confusion. Cordelia: I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time. Giles: Yes, do bring that up as often as possible. Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless, they really deserve it or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible... Cordelia: Nobody told me I was supposed to bring a gift. I was out of the loop on gifts. Giles: It's... it's traditional among... erm... people. Cordelia: When did you become Martha Stewart? Buffy: First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto. Xander: I don't believe she slays, either. Oz: Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to. Cordelia: Everything has been taken away because Daddy made a little mistake on his taxes... for the last twelve years. Cordelia: Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on Lycra pants. And Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire. Dawn: What are you doing? Buffy: My boyfriend! Faith: When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I like that feeling. Buffy: Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and you lose. Faith: I've had my share of losers, but you -- you boinked the undead. Forrest: This is the burden we bear, brother. We have a gig that would inevitably cause any girl living to think we are cool upon cool. Yet, we must Clark Kent our way through the dating scene, never to use our unfair advantage. Thank God we're pretty. Giles: I suspect your mother would want to... put it on the refrigerator. Buffy: Yeah. She saw these scores and her head spun around and exploded. Giles: I've been on the Hellmouth too long, that was metaphorical, yes? Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them. Buffy: Meaning? Giles: I hid. Giles: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone. Anya: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend? Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said. Harmony: Is Antonio Banderas a vampire? Spike: No. Harmony: Can I make him one? Spike: No. On second thought, yes. Go make him a vampire. Take your time. Get Melanie and the kids, too. Jenny Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library don't you? Buffy: We're literary. Xander: To read makes our speaking English good. Joyce: You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires. Buffy: Not really seeing the distinction. The Master: You were destined to die, it was written. Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written. Mayor Wilkins: I have two words that are going to make all your troubles go away. "Miniature." "Golf." Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... you know, I'm not thinking about class 'cause that would never happen... I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops, it's like, freeze frame: Willow kissage. Principal Snyder: It's fuzzy-minded liberal thinking like that that gets you eaten. Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking. Principal Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense. Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five. Riley: Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her, it's like I'm split in two -- half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. Other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. ...But she doesn't love me. Spike: Where have you been pet? Drusilla: I went for a walk. I met an old man. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth. Spike: Whatcha doin', love? Drusilla: I'm naming the stars. Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also it's day. Drusilla: No, I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion. Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Real love isn't brains, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it. Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the Crucifixion was actually there it would've been like Woodstock. I was at Woodstock. I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my hand move. Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big. Spike: The Ring of Amara. Official sponsor of my killing you. Spike: Ahhhh, my head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Ah... God... I wish I was dead. Spike: Should I really trust you? Adam: Scout's honor. Spike: You were a Boy Scout? Adam: Parts of me. Spike: What's this? Sittin' around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot? It's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Let's find her! She is the chosen one, after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them, for justice, and for... the safety of puppies... and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on! Spike: We're out of Wheat-a-Bix. Giles: We are out of Wheat-a-Bix because you ate it all. Again. Spike: Get some more. Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood. Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Wheat-a-Bix in the blood. Gives it a little texture. Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself. Spike: Sissy. Spike: [to Riley, about Buffy] Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. And sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her, to be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you... the scent. No, you got the better deal. Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are. Willow: When I'm with a boy I like I can't say anything cool, or witty--or at all. I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and then I have to go away. Willow: We don't get cable, so we have to make our own fun. Willow: Xander, wanna stay and help me? Xander: Are you kidding? Willow: Yes, it was a joke I made up. Willow: It's like this dream I had about Xander... except that it wasn't about Xander, it was about someone else; and it wasn't even me, it was a friend of mine and... she doesn't remember it. Willow: I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h? Giles: Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out. Xander: What's a "bitca"? Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. Willow: [Nailing crosses around her doors] I'm going to have a hard time explaining this to my dad. Buffy: You really think this'll bother him? Willow: Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go to Xander's house just to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas every year. Buffy: Yeah, I see your point. Willow: Although it is worthwhile just to see Xander do the Snoopy dance. Willow: Maybe we shouldn't be too coupley around Buffy. Cordelia: Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog? Xander: Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what? Willow: [Looking at the vampire version of herself from an alternate reality.] That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay. Willow: Toenails? Buffy: [Buffy thinks her new college roommate is a demon] Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep. Willow: Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body. Willow: I just talked to Buffy, and yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, 'kay? Xander: I don't like vampires. I'm going to take a stand and say they're not good. Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away. Xander: Well, not much goes on in a one-Starbuck's town like Sunnydale. Xander: The band, yeah. They're great. They march. Willow: Like an army. Except with music, instead of bullets, and usually no one dies. Xander: This is just too much. I mean, yesterday's my life like, uh oh, pop quiz. Today, it's rain of toads. Xander: Are you ready to get down, you funky party weasel? Xander: Well, 'cause you never know if a girl's gonna say yes or if she's gonna laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel. Xander: Ho Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process. Xander: So, do we have to speak Spanish when we see him? 'Cause I don't know anything much besides "Doritos" and "chihuahua." Xander: It's time for me to act like a man... and hide. Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with deadboy on this one. Angel: Could you not call me that? Xander: Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut. Xander: [Buffy punches him on the arm] Ow. Buffy: All right... yes, date, and shop and hang out and go to school, and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff. Xander: Dorkhead? You lash me with your words! Xander: Guess who our commencement speaker is? Willow: Sigfreid? Xander: No. Willow: Roy? Xander: No. Willow: One of the tigers? Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday? Willow: Uh huh. Buffy: See? I told you... old reliable. Willow: Oh, thanks. Buffy: What? Willow: "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname. Buffy: I-I didn't mean it as-- Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable." Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals. Willow: That's Old Faithful. Xander: Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot-- Willow: That's Old Yeller. Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me. Anya: Listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if-- Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person. Xander: I still don't know why we had to come here to look up information on a killer snot monster. Giles: Because it's a killer snot monster from outer space. ...I did not say that. Xander: All right, where is he? Where's the creep who turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch? Buffy: He's gone. Xander: Dammit. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm tired of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm through being everybody's butt-monkey! Buffy: Okay, no more butt-monkey. |