Disclaimer:  These characters do not belong to me.  They belong to Chris Carter.  

Comments:  This is a Post Emily/Christmas Carol story. It's full of angst and romance.  
Not as much mush, just realistic stuff.  I think that this story is pretty realistic.  
	
E-mailing Address:  Para8Dice@AOL.Com

Thanks To:  

I'd like to thank a few people.  Quite a few actually. First obviously, Chris 
Carter for creating the X-Files, he's a wonderful writer.
	
Of course, my idol, Gillian Anderson.  She's done wonderfully with Dana Scully, and 
I don't think any Baywatch girl could've been a better Scully.  Gillian has more acting 
talent than I've ever seen.  Male or female.  She's beautiful and talented.  Gillian,
 you can do anything.  You've proven that to me and won my heart.David Duchovny, you make 
Fox Mulder so much fun, and no one could make me laugh as much 
as you do.  I'd like to complement your acting especially in the Pilot episode.    
A few other actors in the X-Files I'd like to thank.  Sheila Larken, you play the kindest
 mother I've ever seen on television.  Margaret, (Maggie) Scully.  Melinda McGraw, 
(Melissa Scully) you make a little more spark in Dana's family relationship and her 
personality, and I really wish Chris Carter hadn't shot your character.  

Vanessa Morley and Megan Leitch for playing the eight year old and grown up Samantha.  
You both do really well and without you, we wouldn't have the X-Files.  
Lauren Diewold, (Emily Sim Scully) who I couldn't have had such a wonderful time writing 
this without.  I hope to see you again.  All of you are wonderful actors.

For Rating:  I can't see why this would be anymore than R.  It has profanity, and some 
suggestive sexual situations, but I think that's about it.

Keywords:  Mulder and Scully Relationship, Angst, Romance, Melissa Scully and Dana 
Scully relationship, Emily Sim and Dana Scully relationship

Spoilers:  Christmas Carol, Emily, Paper Clip, One Breath

			Find It Again

Mulder, feeling so helpless, so useless, drove Scully back to Bill Scully Jr's house.  
Slowly... thinking.  Thinking about her, about how he could've prevented this.  Why hadn't
 he fully told her?  To put less pressure on her, well maybe now she would've regretted it. 
How was she coping, losing her daughter.  He looked at her again, and again.  

She noticed, but didn't respond at first.  What kind of mother was she?  Unable to save 
her own child?  That beautiful, innocent, little girl.  She was just a little girl.  Why 
did they create her only to destroy her?  Why did they keep tearing apart her family?  
They'd taken two lives, but that's twice as many as they should've.  

She kept losing everyone, her father, her sister, her dog, and now, her daughter.  Even 
though it had been less than a week since she'd known about Emily, Emily was her daughter, 
she was supposed to be able to protect her child.  Why couldn't she?  She felt Mulder's 
tension.  She saw him in the corner of her eye looking over at her every three seconds.  

"I'm okay Mulder."

"Are you sure?"

NO!  She wanted to scream.

"Yeah," she exhaled.

Mulder continued driving her back to her brother's.   

"What are you thinking about Scully?"

Her face crumbled from the pain.  Everywhere she looked she saw her life, and everything 
she'd lost.  Emily, Melissa, and her father.  This Christmas had brought back so many 
memories.  She hated expressing emotional feelings to the point of tears.  It made her 
feel like she was failing in what she'd succeeded in for so many year.

Scully exhaled slightly irritated.  She didn't exactly want to tell her mother, or Bill, 
or anyone else really because they wouldn't understand.  It's not that her mother wouldn't 
love her and understand, but to talk about it and not fall apart herself would be too much 
to ask of her mother.   

After all, only two and a half years ago, she'd lost her own daughter.    

Such a different type of pain between losing a sister and a daughter.  Dana had lost Missy,
 and had lost a link to her life.  An enormous link.  She'd also lost a companion and a friend.  
Someone else to trust.  A female friend.  Someone who could always talk to her about anything.  
A piece of the puzzle.

But a daughter...a daughter was so different.  A daughter is someone you feel responsible 
for and your heart builds an entirely new place.  A daughter is someone to take care of, 
to kiss a way bruises and love entirely.  To put first and always first.  Someone to worship 
and protect.  



Dana and her mother had grown closer the older Dana had gotten.  As Dana and Margaret 
continued to lose members of the family, and almost each other, they'd grown so close.  
Although Dana was the perfect daughter at a young age, Melissa had more in common with their 
mother.  Scully was brought back to Mulder when he spoke.

"What are you thinking about Scully?"

"Nothing Mulder, just please, get me home."

He put a hand on hers.  She didn't look at him, but looked at his hand.

He was silent.  So was she.  She felt comfort in this, him, just being there for her.  
Not accusing or asking or demanding.  He was just there, holding her hand, driving her home, 
he was there for her.  He would never know how much that meant to her.  But damn the pain.

Dana looked down, and a tear fell down her cheek.  Totally unexpected.  She quickly wiped it 
away and tried to control the agony on her facial expressions.  She breathed in deeply, trying 
to keep all of herself together.

She hadn't had such trouble controlling the tears ever before.    She knew she didn't have to put on an act in front of Mulder, this was more about 
her.  She'd always tried to contain it and take care of her pain herself.  Dana Scully looked 
at him, and he looked back at her.  She smiled just barely, hardly even noticeable.  His eyes. 
He looked as if he were more in pain than her...  

Fox Mulder drove into the driveway of Bill Scully's house.  Honestly, he wanted to take 
Scully back to Virginia.  To help her.  He knew she wanted time alone. He was alone his whole 
life though.  He had been alone since his sister's abduction.  His sister missing, his father 
dead, his mother practically hiding in a hole under ground from the pain of losing her own 
daughter, where did he stand?  He was Spooky Mulder with one person in the world to stand by 
him.  

Scully exhaled and opened the car door.  She stepped out and they walked to the front door.  
Mulder saw Scully's look of, 'I need to be alone,' and nodded his head in understanding.  
He went to the guest bedroom wondering if there was anything he could do to stop the pain.  

He'd seen the tiny little casket with Emily inside.  Her body turned to sand.  Scully taking 
the cross back.  He'd tried to save that little girl.  Scully's little girl.  But he'd loved 
her too.  He hadn't ever expected the little girl to grow up without knowing him.  Even if she 
was Scully's.  What might life have been if Emily had survived?  Scully would've quit the FBI, 
left him, and probably practice medicine again.  But he'd still see her.  Hopefully.  

What would the little girl have grown up to look like? Melissa?  Scully?  Both?  What would 
she have sounded like, acted like, been like?  Why didn't he just tell Scully he had the cure?  
God-dammit.  She knew.  She'd known.  She'd looked into his eyes with a look of 'Yes, you're 
thinking what I am'..  She'd known that there might've been a way.  And she thought of Emily.  
Like a good mother should.  But could he have saved her???

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dana Scully looked in the mirror.   she thought.  Her face was drained, not from 
tears but from trying to control the tears.  Controlling the pain.  Her eyes.  They had lost 
that excitement and happiness that was there when she'd first started working at the bureau.  
Damn the bureau.  Damn her life.  Damn those bastards who'd destroyed her family.  Not just 
once, but almost five times.  Her sister, her abduction, her cancer, twice, and now her 
daughter.  Emily.

   

Scully changed into a sun dress.  She was so angry that she could walk into the waves and 
never stop walking until her heart stopped beating.  And that she wouldn't even feel.  The 
dress what white with gold flowers.  The dress was loose around her breasts, tight around 
her waist, and lose from then on.  It came just below her knees and expanded.  She'd always 
loved the beach, and was never bored while watching and listening to the sound of waves.

She snuck passed her mother, brother, sister in law, and new nephew.  She got into the car, 
cranked up the music, and sped slightly towards the beach.  She flipped through stations.  
First, there was Mariah Carey's "All I've Ever Wanted".

Cause all, I've ever wanted,
Is you,
And you alone.
And I love you so,
More than you could ever know.
All I've ever wanted,
Is you.

Let's not be more depressing than necessary Dana.  She flipped through until she came 
across Toni Braxton's "You Mean The World To Me".

You mean the world to me,
You are my everything.
I swear the only thing,
That matters, matters to me.

She flipped again, thinking how perfect timing the damn radio stations were.  Dammit, 
is there such a thing as optimistic music?  She flipped while cursing herself and all 
the people in her life.

Where do broken hearts go,
Can they find their way home,
Back to the open arms,
Of a love that's waiting there,
And if somebody loves you,
Don't they always love you?
I look in your eyes, and I know that you still care,
For me...

Oh great, Whitney Houston's Where Do Broken Hearts Go. Please god, not right now.  
This couldn't sound more pessimistic.  

Click...

Nothing's right I'm torn,
I'm all out faith,
This is how I feel.
I'm cold and I am chained, 
Lying naked on the floor,
Illusions never change,
Into something real,
I'm wide awake,
And I can see the perfect sky is torn...

Natalie, you don't know what the hell torn means.  Dammit Dana, it's a song!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dana Katherine Scully stepped out of the car slowly, seeing the gloominess and 
cloudiness of the day.  That's why the beach was so empty.  There were a few people, 
but they were hardly noticeable.  She closed the door slowly, inhaling the warm air that 
she prayed for take her problems.  Take the emptiness.  

The wind blew in her face, ever so lightly, but she felt that pieces of her were being 
taken with the wind. And eventually all of her would be lost in the earth's motion.  
She'd just blow away with the sand.  She had a dream earlier in the week as she picked 
up her cross in the sand, she disappeared into the wind...

Dana put down a blanket, and sat down and just let the few people that were there pass 
by her, not evening seeing them.  Not hearing the gentle breeze or the people walking 
along the beach hand in hand, arm in arm.  She just sat there, not really thinking, not 
really there.  Wishing she could walk into that ocean and never come back out.  

Now when the time for her to cry was right in front of her, she couldn't.  She didn't even 
know if she wanted to.  She didn't know anything.  Every once in a while, the wind would 
blow and the sand would smack her in the face.  Her facial expression didn't change at all. 
 She didn't care.  She had nothing left to give.  

The salty air was barely noticeable to her.  Someone could be having a heart attack and 
she wouldn't even notice.  (No, Doctor Scully might not even notice.)  There comes a time 
when you've given to everyone else, and you're just through.  And she felt like she'd 
reached that place in her life.  



She titled her head back in the breeze, too tired almost to hold her head up.  How much 
time had passed? Doesn't matter.  Nothing does.  Her heart belonged to her daughter.  
A lot of good that did.  Why couldn't she just be normal?  Ordinary.  Happy.  Why couldn't 
she have been married, gotten pregnant, had Emily, and lived happily ever after?  
Why couldn't that have been the way it was?

She watched the waves and the people pass by.  The waves touched her toes.  It was cool.  
It felt as good as it could for feeling as numb as she did.  Daddy.  Missy.  Emily...she 
just wanted them back.  All of them, any of them, all of them.  

"Come here," yelled a woman's voice affectionately with concern.  Dana was startled and 
turned around to see a woman.  A woman with dark brown hair, no...red hair.  Tall, thin.  


"Come here sweetheart," the woman called again.  A little girl, five or six ran up to the 
woman and hugged her.  The woman picked up the little girl and carried her away.  

  

Dana had always watched people pass by while working on the X-Files with their dogs and 
their children and their gardens and houses and vacuum cleaners and dishes with left over 
homemade meals.  Where was any of that in her life?

She remembered her last moments with Emily, Emily alive...

"I think I'd like to be alone," she'd said in almost a whisper as Mulder's hand rubbed 
her back.

He'd understood and left.  Dana opened the sliding door and slowly walked in and laid 
down next to her daughter.  Her heart entered this little girl and she loved her.  Dana 
had loved her little girl more than anything.  A new place in her heart for her little girl 
had been created.  Only to be destroyed as her little girl lay dying.

"You and me against the world, 
Sometimes it's just, you and me against the world.
When all the others turn their backs and walk away,
You can count on me to stay.
And when one of us is left behind,
And all we have is memories to see us through.
Just look back on me and you." 

Dana had sung to her daughter through a broken heart.  Probably what killed her, 
Dana thought through a smile of pain.  I almost killed Mulder when I sang in that forest.  

Emily.  Her one chance for a child.  That one chance for her dream, and she couldn't 
fulfill it.  She didn't keep it.  She couldn't have wanted it more.  Sure she'd held it 
in, but she couldn't have wanted it more.

She drifted away from where she was, into a pool of painful piece of the memories that 
went in and out of head like the wind.  Into her, and leaving her.  Like the people whom 
she was remembering.  Daddy, Missy, Emily...

"Scully," Mulder whispered into her ear in a husky voice.  She jerked herself back to 
reality.  



"Mulder, what's wrong?"  

"Are you okay?"

Dana yawned lightly.  "Yeah," she said wearily.  "Is my mother worried?"

"No...I was."

"Mulder, I'm fine," she said calmly and yet firmly.

"Scully, stop it."

She looked at him, her eyes even more green because of the ocean in front of them.  
She looked drugged.  Tired.

"Stop what?"

"Stop hiding your feelings."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to let it go, let it out."

"Oh yeah Mulder, I'll just be one of those characters in a soap opera in public screaming 
at the top of my lungs," she said angrily.

She stood up and starting walking towards her car, quickly.  He headed quickly after her.  
He ran after her but she sped up.  The tears were now pouring down her face.  Hot tears.  
Sliding down her skin that was moist already from the humidity.  

  

She couldn't stop it.  She couldn't stop the flow of tears from pouring out her sea green 
eyes now becoming brighter with every tear she was shedding.

She ran to her car, leaving the stupid blanket behind, and got into the car.  She tried to 
start the car, but she was so tired.  Of everything.  The tears making her vision blurry,
 not a smart way to drive.  She couldn't do this anymore.  She was so damn tired of doing 
everything she'd always been told to do.  Everything she was supposed to do.  

When was the last time she'd done something she shouldn't have?  Rebelled.  Ed Jerse?  
Shooting Mulder? She punched the steering wheel with her fists and cried.  She sobbed loudly. 
 Not screaming, but moaning loudly.  



Mulder reached her and watched her cry inside the car...watched...watched her fall apart.  
She'd left the window open.  She didn't look up once to see him as she cried.  He didn't 
want her to be alone.  And he didn't want her to pretend anymore.  To feel the need to pretend.

He opened the door, grabbed her wrists, and yanked her out of the car.  He pulled her body 
against his.  He buried her in his chest as her sobs became more violent and uncontrollable.  
He caressed her red hair.  

"I don't wanna do this anymore," she sobbed.  "I don't wanna play this game.  I don't want 
to lose anymore.  And dammit I don't wanna do everything I'm supposed to Mulder."



"I'm so fucking tired of it all.  I do everything by the book, not just in work, but 
life.  And I can't do it anymore.  I can't play a Doctor Scully who is the reasonable, 
handling one.  Because you know what, I'm not handling it and I'm sick and tired of being 
perfectly calm, and reasonable!"

She sobbed and groaned in pain of her life and where she stood in it.

She weakened and he supported her standing.  He turned her so she was facing the same 
direction as he was, and walked with her back towards the beach as her sobs calmed down.  
She was still crying in pain, but not as violently.

"It's not supposed to be this way Mulder," she said just clearly enough through her tears 
that he could understand her.  "No one should ever have to out live their child.  And no 
one should have their sister dying in their apartment murdered by someone who thought it 
was you."  He sat back down with her on the blanket and rocked her as she cried.  He rocked 
her.  

"Missy took me here.  We would come out here in the middle of the night to meet friends. 
 Or, sometimes we'd...we'd just talk," she was crying that her speaking was barely 
understandable.  "I miss her Mulder.  I miss my father.  I miss Melissa.  And now that 
Emily's gone..." she broke down again in tears.  

No one knew how she was feeling better than him.  He's lost his sister, his father, his 
life as well.  His heart broke with every moan of hers.  He wanted to make all the pain go 
away.  Break the chains of pain in her heart that had been building for the last four and a 
half years he'd known her.  

Eventually, the sobs became quieter, and her tears rolled down her face silently.  She'd 
never felt so tired in all her life.  Emotionally, physically, in every way.  He cupped her 
face so she looked up at him. 
 he thought.    

"Scully, if you'd only done that the first time this happened."

She knew he meant when her father had died.  She'd kept it in, she didn't even cry when 
she was alone.  It had damaged her.  Made her feel like it wasn't okay to feel pain.  She 
didn't even cry at her father's funeral.  

"When I was little Mulder, I tried as best I could to not to get attached to someone.  
I was always afraid of death."

"It's okay to be afraid Dana...I am too."

"I feel so empty Mulder."

"Me too," he said quietly.

Dana, not being able to contain it all anymore, she cried again.  He pulled her back into 
his arms and she tried to prevent that.  Losing herself in his arms.  She pulled back weakly.  
But he pulled her into his arms, and she let him reluctantly.  She felt so protected in his 
arms.  

  

When every moan and sob Mulder squeezed Scully as if trying to force the pain out of her body. 
She'd only cried in his arms a few times.  It was so hard on her. This was releasing all the 
things for years she'd tried to hold in.  She cried.  He let her.  He encouraged it.  
She cried until she thought she would pass out.  The tears flowed down on her face and made a 
damp spot in his shirt.  He tipped her chin to his view.  She looked at him.  She felt hot.  
Hot from the burning tears that had devoured her.  Swallowed her whole until she had nothing 
left to cry.  Too tired.  She opened her eyes with an intoxicated look.  

His eyes were filled with tears as well.  She hadn't forgotten he'd lost so much too.  His 
sister, his father...she'd lost the same.  She looked into his big green eyes.  That fourteen 
year old boy in Mulder.  So hurt and feeling everything for the first time.  His heart was 
breaking too.  She wasn't angry with him at all.  He'd done all he could, and she knew that. 
And she cared.  

He bent down and touched his lips to hers.  He kissed her as if it was the first time he'd 
ever kissed.  Chastely.  Gently.  Lips to lips.  He softly licked her lower lip, playing 
with her and then he deepened the kiss and finally their tongues met.  She found his hand 
with hers and she locked her fingers with his.  They released each other's lips.  Another 
tear poured down her face.  Heat burned from her huge eyes.

"Scully, yell at me, hit me, just don't leave me."



"I need you Scully," he said through his own broken heart.



Her face was straight.  He was worried by that.  It was as if he wasn't making any impact 
on her and that scared him the most.  If it had been anyone else, she would've been angry.  
She was the one grieving, why was he begging me for support.  

  

Her mouth dropped open slightly.  She didn't quite know how to respond.  

"Please don't leave me Scully."

He bent down and kissed her again.  His warm hands heavy on her shoulders.  His lips were 
so soft.  This was so different from anything she'd ever experienced with Mulder.  And she'd 
experienced a lot.  This feeling between them though, had always been there.  She hugged him 
tightly.  She exhaled against him and she felt completely liberated.

"Scully," he whispered.  "Where did you get this dress?"

She smiled.  He didn't much see her out of a suit.

"Melissa.  She bought it for me as a going a way present when I went to Quanico.  
I'm amazed it still fits me.  But obviously I haven't grown too much in the last four 
and a half years.  She told me to come back to California once in a while and go for a 
walk on the beach with her in this.  I can take walks on the beach, just not with her."

"I know.  I know what it feels like to lose someone like that.  It feels like it's your 
fault.  I know."

"She was so beautiful, and she loved people.  She loved everyone and everything.  
She wants told me that nothing ever ends.  I wish that I could believe it the way she 
believed in the goodness of people."

Scully was still in Mulder's arms.  A warm embrace full of love that still was not 
expressed verbally.  This was what was always good for her.  His arms.  His embrace 
because she knew he understood her pain.  He'd held her when Melissa had died, and now, 
she felt as though she'd lost Melissa all over again, through her daughter.  She'd seen 
her sister in her daughter's face.

"Melissa always thought she knew what she was talking about.  Maybe she did.  But I don't 
think she was ever as right as she thought she was.  She constantly believed that her ideas 
were the accurate ones, but she didn't try to change mine just so I'd be like her.  But dammit 
she thought she knew everything," Scully said with a smile.

"I remember," Mulder said softly.

"You remember what?"

"She was with your mother and me when you were dying from your abduction.  Melissa had 
lunch with me everyday.  She was the one who defended you when you had gone past the criteria 
of your will.  She came to me when you were about to die.  She came to my apartment and told 
me to come and see you."

"She did?"

"Yeah.  It always surprised me how different the two of you were."

"Yeah, the fights we got into.  Mulder you would've laughed.  Looking back I feel sorry for 
my mother."

"You two didn't get along?"

"No, we got along, we loved each other.  But when we'd get into a fight, it would last all 
night.  She was full of faith as I was-"

"Full of science and logic."

"Yeah Mulder, I guess.  I think that she was always looking for something that wasn't there. 
 She was lost in her heart.  So then she found her own faith through different beliefs and 
she said that filled her heart."

"Sometimes the strangest things make us feel whole Scully."

"What else did you talk about with her," she had a hint of jealousy in her voice which he 
missed.

"She told me that whoever had done that to you had an equal horror coming to them.  She 
told me to drop my defeat and stop running around trying to get even when I should be 
expressing to you how I felt."

"That's Missy for you."

"Evidently."

"Hey Mulder, what was Samantha like?"  Scully sniffed.

"She was an eight year old.  She was never able to quite develop into a person.  She was an 
annoying little sister.  I remember though she loved grilled cheese sandwiches, and she 
adored purple.  She loved board games too.  I wonder what she would've been like if they 
hadn't come to take her away.  If I had known, I would've been a better big brother."

"I'm sure you were great Mulder."

"I probably drove her crazy."

"But she drove you crazy too."

He smiled.  God, if he'd only known Samantha would be taken away.  I can prevent Scully 
from this pain though.

"You're so strong Scully, you're gonna get through this."  Mulder cupped her face and 
made her look at him.

"But I'm not Mulder," she said with a wet face.  "I'm not anymore.  I mean, there's just no 
more me, and I have nothing left to give."

"Oh that's not true, you have so much left to give.  You have so much love in you, and 
you'll find it again. You will, you'll find it again."

"And what if I don't?"

"You will."

She paused.  Exhaled.

"I love you Mulder," she said softly, almost a whisper.  
He thought he didn't hear her right, for he felt completely unlovable and had for the past 
twenty-four years.  He grabbed her shoulders to she was looking up at him, and he couldn't 
read the expression on her face.

"I...I love you back."  

She leaned forward and touched her lips to his.  This was still so new.  Much more quickly 
the kiss became rougher, more intense, and she felt liquidy.  She had all day, but this was 
more pleasant.  She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him more passionately. 

He pressed his body against hers as his arms went around her back.  Mulder gently brushed 
his fingertips over her skin the sun dress didn't cover.  She shivered at his caresses.  
She felt as though this time, when she'd lost, she'd gained something back.  Something 
precious, something there.  Something permanent.  Forever.

She released his lips and looked up at him.  She smiled chastely.  And then they once 
again kissed each other. Lips against lips.  Touching ever so lightly until his hand went to 
her face and he inhaled lightly.  

Mulder ran his hands down Scully's back.  She kissed him more passionately with a sigh.  He 
pressed his body close to hers.  He ran his hands over the lose sun dress she was wearing, 
feeling the warm of her skin that he gently uncovered.  For once, everything was going to be 
okay.   

			The End

Thank you for reading my story.  I hope it was worth your while.  It was full of angst but 
this is my fantasy of what should've happened after the loss of Scully's daughter.  If you 
liked it, please, tell me.  I'm big on not just the relationship between Mulder and Scully, 
but the family members.  I hope others like those episodes too.  Thanks.

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