Quotes: RAW September 6, 1999
"Kane, you think you impress the Rock when your music hits, and all the lights go out? You've got fire coming out of the posts, fire shooting out of your ass..."
-- The Rock
"Kane can talk! The big red retard can finally speak!"
-- The Rock
"My name is Kane... and I am a roody-poo candy ass!"
"I don't Kane would say that at all, King."
-- The Rock imitating Kane (using a "retard" voice) and JR
"Shane screwed both guys, Mankind and the Rock, and then Shane wanted to do it again..."
-- JR (whatever you say, man, whatever you say)
"This is the most unlikely tag team ever, JR."
-- Jerry "the King" Lawler on the Rock and Mankind
"I want to send out a message to the dozens (pause for cheers) of my ivy league fans, because finally, Mankind has come back to Harvard!"
"Harvard? You idiot, this is Hartford!"
"Bless his heart; he's trying!"
-- Mankind, Lawler, and JR
"Remember, X-Pac warned Kane that if Kane came out and got involved in X-Pac's match in any way, that Kane and X-Pac would be through."
"Yeah, but I didn't think he'd really mean it!"
-- JR and Lawler on X-Pac's no-show
"Let's face it-- if it wasn't for Kane last week, poor X-Pac would have been a bug on the windshield of life!"
-- Lawler referring to X-Pac's Smackdown match when the Big Show ran in
"Wait a minute-- you mean Kane is going to try to take on Mankind and the Rock single-handed?"
-- Lawler
"What is he doing here?"
"Anything he wants; he's the WWF champion!"
-- JR and Lawler on Triple H's appearance
"Maybe Helmsley's coming out here to do commentary... God, I hope not."
-- JR on Triple H's appearance during the Tag Team title match
"What is she carrying?"
"She's got some--"
"Oh my God, that's a sledgehammer!"
"A sledgehammer! What are we fixing to see, JR?"
-- JR and Lawler on Chyna's entrance into the Tag Team title match
"Tag him, you big red retard!"
-- Lawler encouraging Kane to make the tag to Triple H
"Oh, there's a tag!"
"Well, Triple H tagged himself in."
"Is that officia-- ack!"
"And he just got tagged right back out!"
-- JR and Lawler on Triple H climbing into, and being clotheslined out of, the ring
"I don't think Rock, Mankind, or the referee saw the sledgehammer shot by Triple H on Kane!"
-- JR
"Now, JR, you've got to admit that serves Kane right."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, he turned his back on Triple H! Nobody turns their back on Triple H!"
-- Lawler and JR on Triple H's sledgehammer attack on Kane
"What kind of human being would hit a man from behind with a sledgehammer?"
"Uh... Triple H?"
"Yeah."
-- JR and Lawler
"Right in the heart! Triple H threw the sledgehammer right in Kane's heart, for God's sakes!"
-- JR
"Are we to believe that the Undertaker and the Big Show came out here to help Kane?"
"I don't know WHAT to believe here!"
-- JR and Lawler
"I don't see how Kane is even standing up. Any other human being would be on a stretcher right now."
"He got blasted in the middle of his back by a sledgehammer, then right in the middle of his chest AND his shoulder? That's amazing!"
-- JR and Lawler as Kane staggers backstage
"I invited Jeff to bring Miss Kitty and Miss Debra to ringside because it won't be the first time I've smacked three dumb blondes in one night!"
-- Jacqueline on her upcoming match against Jeff Jarrett
"I guess because it's Labor Day, the puppies have the night off!"
-- Lawler lamely trying to cover up Debra's absence
"No puppies tonight! Debra wouldn't be caught dead in a place like Hartford, Connecticut!"
"Asshole! Asshole!"
-- Jeff Jarrett and the crowd
"Jarrett is coming out of the box very aggressively here..."
"Jeff is sending a message to Chyna right here, with this match!"
-- JR and Lawler
"We want Debra! We want Debra!"
-- the crowd during Jeff Jarrett's match
"They're destructive, JR, and not only that, they're just plain mean! These Acolytes, Faarooq and Bradshaw-- they're the kind of guys who make a big pledge to the Jerry Lewis telethon and then don't send the money in!"
-- Lawler
"They have to use their quickness, their speed, their agility to stay on top, because that's what'll happen if they don't!"
-- Lawler on Edge and Christian as Bradshaw does a fallaway slam on Edge
"That ref couldn't see an elephant in a telephone booth; turn around!"
-- Lawler trying to get the ref to count Bradshaw's pin on Christian
"Edge and Christian wasted no time in getting out of Dodge with their victory!"
-- Lawler on the hasty exit of the new #1 contenders for the tag team championship
"And they call you the Big Show?"
-- Val Venis commenting on the Big Show's manhood while at the urinals (caught on a GTV segment)
"I guess he IS the Big Show... and he washes his hands, too!"
-- Lawler after TBS has attacked Val Venis in the bathroom
"You know, there's only one thing wrong with that-- your old man sucked!"
-- Joey Abs to Shawn "Meat" Stasiak, referring to Shawn's former WWF World Champion dad
"Big Show, you seem to be brave enough to slap me around in the washroom. Well, why don't you bring your big ass down to this ring so the big Valbowski can slap you around in front of all these people!"
-- Val Venis
"You going to pick that up?"
"What?"
"That punk card Val Venis just gave you!"
-- The Undertaker backstage, encouraging the Big Show to take Val Venis up on his challenge
"I think the Undertaker just blessed the challenge..."
-- JR on Val Venis challenging the Big Show
"Well, let's face it-- Val is big, even without Viagara!"
-- Lawler on Val Venis
"You call me out? NOBODY calls me out!"
"Nobody calls him small in the washroom either!"
-- the Big Show to Val Venis and a comment from Lawler
"Boy, it takes a lot of guts to attack a man after he's been chokeslammed by the Big Show..."
-- JR
"LOOOKK OUUUTT!"
-- Terry Taylor when the Acolytes attack the Dudley Boyz
"Faarooq... Bradshaw... you ain't sh-- sh-- (his partner smacks him) shit!"
-- the white Dudley Boy
"There's only two things the Dudleys need to understand, and that's the Acolytes!... Welcome to the WWF, Dudleys; this ain't that Extremely Crappy Wrestling you guys are used to!"
-- Lawler as the Acolytes attack the Dudley Boyz
"I've done every Wrestlemania, I've done pay-per-views, and you're far from my league. I'll take these cars; have a seat and enjoy the rest of the show."
-- Howard Finkel dissing Lillian Garcia
"I think there's going to be a tuxedo vs. gown match!... Get her, Howard! Jump her!"
-- Lawler as Finkel and Garcia have it out in the ring
"Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall!... Uh-oh."
-- Finkel as he realizes he's announcing a Ken Shamrock match
"This is not a fabricated, pretend sport like the ultimate fighting championships; no, this is sports entertainment. This is REAL."
-- Chris Jericho
"But let me warn you, while I have your lunkhead and I'm rubbing it into my sweaty, smelly armpit, and you're screaming like an unwashed baby, you'll wish you never, ever, incited the fury of Y2J, junior!"
-- Jericho to Ken Shamrock
"Let's face it-- Howard Finkel is a big mark for Chris Jericho, and you're a big mark for Stone Cold Steve Austin!"
-- Lawler to JR
"After crippling the big red retard tonight, over a short period of time I have run the gammit of the who's who in the World Wrestling Federation! Crippling Stone Cold Steve Austin, destroying the unstoppable Mankind; putting him out for three months and beating him for the WWF championship. And then, defending it only a week later and dominating... and, oh yeah, taking to school that little punk, your champion, the Rock!"
-- Triple H tooting his own horn
"Linda McMahon, I am going to tell you this, and I'm going to say it nicely one time. Because I am the game, and this is NOT a game, you had better keep your ass out of my business."
"Did somebody call my name?"
-- Triple H and Bad Ass "Mr. Ass" Billy Gunn
"When we were in DX, you recruited me because you needed me. You wanted me because you wanted to avoid Mr. Ass kicking YOUR ass."
-- BABG Mr. Ass to Triple H
"Now, Triple H, if anybody knows about ass, it's Mr. ASS. And not only ARE you an ass, you're an asshole!"
-- BABG Mr. Ass (how many times can we get ass in one sentence, anyway?)
"I'm going to give you a shot at this. Let's see what you've got, punk! I'll bring the belt... you bring the balls, if you got any."
"Oh yeah, one more thing-- we got two words for ya! Suck it!"
-- Triple H and BABG Mr. Ass setting up a WWF title match for the RAW main event
"You know what? If Terri's puppies aren't enough, later on we're going to see Pat Patterson's!"
-- Lawler
"This match sponsored by Geritol!"
-- JR cracking on the old-timers Brisco and Patterson
"This is entertainment from the eighties!"
"That music's entertainment from the eighties."
"No, I meant the eighties-- that's Pat Patteron's age!"
-- Lawler and JR
TERRI: I think I'm getting sick to my stomach...
JR: Don't do it!
LAWLER: Oh no... here comes Patterson's puppies!
(Pat Patterson rips his shirt open)
LAWLER: (screams)
TERRI: (groans in agony)
LAWLER: Those puppies should be euthanized! They should be put to sleep, they're so old!
"Terri, I guess you've pretty much kicked Meat to the curb, hmm?"
"You know what, let me put it in an Okie's terms-- he kinda fell out of the saddle there, JR."
-- JR and Terri
"What do you think THIS looks like-- three young studs against two old farts!"
-- Lawler referring to MSP taking on Brisco and Patterson
"It looks like I'm going to have to be putting some salve on some wounds."
"I got a boo-boo here myself..."
-- Terri and Lawler
"It's the artist formerly known as Meat!"
-- Lawler on Shawn Stasiak
"Wait a minute--"
"He's halfway across the ring!"
"Too far! Too far... oh!"
"There's some hang time!"
-- Lawler and JR on Test's mighty elbow-off-the-top
"Look guys, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and that's the reason for the scale. Let's cut through the crap; c'mon guys, listen to me. Who wants to be the first to go? How about you, Anorexic Andy? How about you, Karen Carpenter?"
-- Hardcore Holly to Jeff and Matt Hardy during their weigh-in
"Hey Dracula, how about you, you fat bastard? Why don't you get on there and see what you weigh?"
-- Hardcore Holly to Gangrel; BIG pop from the crowd on this one
"Uh-oh... one at a time, please!"
-- Lawler as Gangrel stomps onto the scale
"When these Hollys work as a unit they're a hell of a team!"
"Yeah, but when do they ever work as a unit?"
-- JR and Lawler
"What are you laughing at? Where were you?!"
"Do you know how FUNNY you look?"
-- a post-bloodbath Crash yelling at Hardcore Holly
"Rock and Mankind, if you two can quit trying to find out which one of you HAS a set of testicles, this Thursday at Smackdown you'll answer our challenge-- not only to a tag title match, but a buried alive tag title match."
-- the Undertaker
"It's Al Snow in his Avatar outfit..."
"That's not Al Snow; that's Avatar! Can't you see that?"
-- JR and Lawler
"Shazam!"
"Uh... I don't get this, JR."
"I don't either."
-- Al Snow, Lawler, and JR as Al's loss of Pepper sinks him deeper into madness, apparently
"...the hell am I doing? Where the hell am I at? Oh my God, no! Oh, no! What am I wearing the genie pants for?!"
-- Al Snow snapping briefly into lucidity
"The Rock says this-- Big Show, you come on down (starts moaning in mockery of the Big Show)-- you do all that; Undertaker, you come on down (rolls eyes up in his head)-- die, die, die; all that stupid crap over and over again!"
-- The Rock tearing the heeeeeell out of the Big Show and the Undertaker, while accepting their challenge
"I got the distinct impression that the Undertaker was making fun of me. I don't think what he understands is that there's a time for work and a time for play, and I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!!"
-- Mankind on the upcoming Buried Alive match
"What does your mama think about the way you've been acting, Mark Henry?"
"Hey, don't bring my mom into this."
"Don't talk about his mama!"
-- JR, Mark Henry, and Lawler
"Where'd you get those fine babes? Those look like two of the finest women that ever walked the streets!"
-- Lawler commenting on the two hos that accompanied Mark Henry to the ring
"You were with those women all night?"
"ALL night!"
"Oh Lord..."
"JR, I got--"
"Cover, we got a cover! Near fall!"
-- JR and Mark Henry, forgetting to call the match
"I flew in from Milan."
"From where?"
"From Milan... I didn't say My Lawn!"
-- Henry and Lawler
"Get out of there, ref! Jacqueline's naked!"
-- Lawler as the hardcore match goes into the showers
"JR, JR! I want the referee's job!"
-- Lawler getting into the hardcore match
"What do we have here? Ah, we have some boys. Hey, I want you to meet my pal Ivory!"
-- Tori, throwing Ivory into the men's locker room where Droz, Prince Al, and Viscera look on
"Chyna, we've had enough problems with women back here tonight. So therefore, you're barred from ringside so don't even bother to come down there."
"Earl, I'm going to forget you even said that."
-- head ref Earl Hebner and Chyna
"Oh my God... that's Kane!"
"He's still here?!"
"He's still here! The big red machine is still here!"
-- JR and Lawler after the cameras find Kane sitting backstage in a corner
"I wonder what Stone Cold thinks about this WWF title matchup, King..."
"I think Stone Cold is probably thinking more about his sore leg!"
-- JR and Lawler
"There goes Earl Hebner; he's really throwing his weight around tonight!"
-- JR as the ref throws out first Chyna, then Shane
"Fame-ass-er! It's over! One, two, three... four!"
"I knew this was going to happen; I knew it!"
"Mr. Ass has had this match won, twice!"
-- JR and Lawler as BABG again gets a pin with no ref to count it
"Dammit DAMMIT!"
-- JR as Triple H kicks out of a slow count by a dazed Earl Hebner
"I knew it! I knew this was going to happen!"
-- Lawler throughout the main event, no matter who was winning
"What the hell is-- oh my God, it's Kane! Through hellfire and brimstone; Kane is wounded, and a wounded animal is the most dangerous!"
-- Kane heading to the ring as Chyna, Triple H, and Shane panic en masse
"How can he be back out here? How can he even stand up, after getting hit with a sledgehammer? He's back in the ring!"
-- Lawler on Kane's run-in immediately after the main event
"Those right hands having no effect!"
"Oh no... get that sledgehammer! Hit him with the hammer again, Triple H!"
"He just drove the WWF champion straight to hell with a chokeslam!"
-- JR and Lawler as Kane chokeslams Triple H
"Get out of there, Shane-o; don't look up!"
-- Lawler as Shane crawls right into Kane
"Oh no! Shane's the owner! I knew this was going to hapPEN! (screams the last word)"
-- Lawler as Kane chokeslams Shane McMahon
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