Quotes: SmackDown! September 16, 1999
"If you want to do things the hard way, which is just fine and dandy with Stone Cold Steve Austin, you will be carted out of this damn building in a body bag, and that's all I got to say about that!"
-- Steve Austin to Triple H
"Lay down and strike the pose before I have to lay you down myself, bitch!"
-- Ivory to Cindy Margolis
"I also scoured the streets of this city to find a referee who was qualified enough to work in this match... ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you one of the greatest international officials of all time! A man who is so respected and revered, that he is forced to wear a mask so as to not be mobbed on the streets by his adoring fans... I present to you the great Mexican offical-- you're going to love this-- senor Manuel Garcia Lopez, or as we know him better, El Dopo!"
"Who the HELL is El Dopo?"
-- Jericho and Michael Cole
"Look how much more dominant Kane is now that the toothpick isn't with him. What's beginning to happen here is Kane is turning into a killer."
-- The Undertaker
"I knew it wasn't him."
"You just said you knew it was!"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole as Triple H tries to decide who to defend his belt against
"I'm going to show you what brotherly love is all about!"
-- Shane McMahon defending his sister, and issuing a challenge to Joey Abs
"Come on, Michael, like you don't love a lap dance!"
-- Lawler to Michael Cole
"Michael Cole, you are the most inefficient, unequivocally worst announcer I've ever seen!"
-- Jericho to Michael Cole while Jericho is doing color commentary on the Hughes/Shamrock match
"One brahma bull, two brahma bulls, three brahma bulls... you jabronis hit the jackpot! And then all of a sudden, you're jumping around like a bunch of idiots-- Undertaker, with his Mickey Mouse tattoos and his thirty-three pound head, jumping around screaming like a girl! (mimicks a high-pitched whiny scream)... Kane running around doing cartwheels, scaring everybody in the casino... (pretends to put an electronic voicebox to his throat and speaks in his retarded voice) "I won, I won, let's party!" And the biggest goof of them all, the Big Slow, sits there scaring all of the Rock's fans! (imitates the Big Show's in-ring yell) And then, the doors open and the Rock arrives..."
-- The Rock
"These rottweilers have treed the Big Bossman!"
-- Michael Cole
"Don't preach your morality to me! Steve Austin doesn't have any compassion. You want mercy? Take your ass to church."
-- Stone Cold Steve Austin in a Smackdown promo aired just before the event began
"They scrambled all afternoon and Gerry Brisco is the best they could come up with?"
-- Lawler on Brisco as a substitute ref
"King, put the tongue back in your mouth!"
-- Michael Cole to Lawler as Cindy Margolis climbs into the ring
"He then proceeded to get down on his hands and knees, and begged me to make sure that we never, ever, met face-to-face again..."
"I hope we got pictures of that!"
"And he also licked the dust off my boots in gratitude for me hiring this man, Curtis, to protect me from tearing him apart, limb from limb!"
-- Chris Jericho and Lawler, referring to Ken Shamrock
"Mankind, what do you feel about this five-man Royal Rumble rules match tonight?"
"Well, Lillian, what do you think?"
"Well--"
"IT DOESN'T-- heh, I could have gotten you just like that but I didn't!"
-- Lillian Garcia and Mankind
"Where's your tag team partner? Oh, tough guy-- excuse me, tough girl. You're going to find out what it's like to be in the ring with Hardcore."
-- Hardcore Holly to Chyna
"Look at Miss Kitty! Do you think she'd spend one of her nine lives with me?"
-- Lawler
"Somebody STOP this damn thing!"
-- Michael Cole as Triple H tears Vince and Shane McMahon apart
"Y'know, Triple H, at Summerslam, when you took that steel chair and you beat my legs... hell son, you should have kept on beating because you didn't get the job done. You should have bashed my damn brains in because as long as I'm walking, your little ass is in these crosshairs and I will hunt you down like the jackass that you are!"
-- Steve Austin
"That's a geriatric count."
-- Lawler on Brisco's counts as a ref
"Forget about Margolis, that Barbie doll wanna-be! Out here in Vegas, dumb blondes come a dime a dozen. Another dumb blonde is Test; I'm going to issue a challenge to him for my belt. And when I get done with him, his bride-to-be won't even recognize his ass."
-- Jeff Jarrett to Terry Taylor
"Look what great shape he's in!"
"Oh, he's been hitting the gym; you can tell that, King."
-- Jericho and Lawler on the portly El Dopo
"We don't have referees, but we have a rattlesnake!"
-- Lawler as Austin comes to the ring
"Chyna could become the first woman to win the Intercontinental championship..."
"We're in Vegas, but I wouldn't bet on that."
-- Michael Cole and Lawler on the IC Unforgiven match
"What happened to the man with balls the size of grapefruits, Vince? I am calling you out!"
"NO!"
-- Triple H and Vince McMahon
"As far as Triple H is concerned, Stone Cold Steve Austin has slid down the ladder of success so fast he's got splinters in his butt!"
-- Lawler
"What Triple H needs to worry about are the sledgehammers that he hit Kane and Big Show with."
-- The Undertaker while doing color commentary during the five-man Royal Rumble match
"Rock, you seem to have some sort of fascination with inserting things into people's rectums, so I'm going to let you get real close to mine. Kiss my ass, Rock; it's not you!"
-- Triple H refusing to defend the WWF title against the Rock
"There is a bond between the two of us that is inexplicable. It's almost like we, together, are one luxury automobile with Rock being the fine-tuned motor, and Mankind as the rugged part that holds the luggage. In other words, I guess you could say Rock is the front end, Mankind is the rear end; but not just any rear end, Lillian! Mankind is the People's rear end!"
-- Mankind
"Now we've got a Stone Cold stalker on our hands!"
-- Lawler
"Well, he's here to save the WWF."
"From what?"
"What do you mean, from what?"
-- Lawler and Michael Cole on Chris Jericho
"Chyna, you've got the frying pan in one hand, the soup ladle in the other hand, and your cooking apron on. There's only one thing left to do, and that's get your ass in the kitchen and start fixing my supper!"
-- Jeff Jarrett after knocking Chyna out and dressing her up as a domestic
"I think Pat Patterson refereed the match between David and Goliath!"
-- Lawler
"Disqualificada! Disqualificada!"
-- El Dopo when Shamrock refuses to break a submission hold on Hughes
"Did you see Shane FLY?!"
-- Lawler as Shane McMahon dives over the top rope and onto the MSP at ringside
"I'll be following your little ass all night long, so you better grow some of those little beady eyes in the back of your head, because before the night's over Austin 3:16 will be so far up your ass, you won't be able to walk again!"
-- Austin to Triple H
"You find the absolute best slot machine you can find. You can't miss it; it's got a big Brahma Bull on the front, and it says "The People's Slot Machine."
"Oh, I saw that today!"
-- The Rock to his competitors in the five-man Royal Rumble rules match, plus a comment from Lawler
"Yeah, that's it. You go in the back and you hide behind your skirt. But you tell your sexually frustrated wife that if you can't get the job done, Triple H can keep it up all night for her!"
-- Triple H egging Vince McMahon on
"I think he's the president of the He-Man's Women Haters' club!"
-- Lawler on Jeff Jarrett, after Jarrett puts both Cindy Margolis and Ivory into figure-four leg locks
"Vince McMahon's the WWF champion!"
-- Michael Cole screaming at ringside
"You, know, one of the nicest things about being the WWF womens champion is that I get to meet so many very important people."
"Yeah, like me!"
"Athletes, politicians..."
"Kings..."
-- Ivory and Lawler
"As far as I'm concerned, Monday night you blew your opportunity, so now, you can kiss my ass!"
-- Triple H to Stone Cold Steve Austin
"Speaking of Triple H, we've talked about all these problems Triple H has run into in recent weeks, that he's a marked man; that he's the most wanted man in the World Wrestling Federation, King. The bottom line is, the champion has brought it upon himself. A sledgehammer attack to Kane, a sledgehammer attack to Big Show, attacks on the Rock, attacks on Mankind. He cost Rock and Mankind the Tag Team titles!"
"Man, would you shut up for a second so I can get a word in edgewise?"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"He's gonna shine all the gold coins up, turn them sumbitches sideways, and stick them straight up your candy ass!"
"Ha, what a night at the Tropicana that'll be!"
-- The Rock and Lawler
"He's taking off El Dopo's mask... it's the Fink!"
"The mask is sacred to those people!"
"Sacred? What people; he's Howard Finkel!"
"...Huh?"
"Howard Finkel was El Dopo!"
"Oh, it just looked like Howard Finkel!"
-- Michael Cole and Lawler
"Kane, with the divorce of you and X-Pac and all, I'd hate to put you through the misery of beating your red retard ass again."
-- Triple H refusing to defend the WWF title against Kane
"Are you tell me this is an actual match?"
-- Lawler on the Triple H/Vince McMahon WWF title match
"This is an individual with balls the size of grapefruits!"
"Me?!"
"He's NOT talking about you."
-- Triple H, Lawler, and Michael Cole as Triple H hints at who he has chosen to defend the WWF title against
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